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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bring a baby to a funeral?

210 replies

CescaNicole · 22/11/2020 20:24

I have been told its inappropriate to bring my 12 week old baby to a grandparents funeral.
Baby is breastfed and funeral is 1 hour travel away.

I haven't tried her with a bottle yet and wasnt intending to do so as I found this stressful with my other children.

Honest thoughts please?

OP posts:
NeverTwerkNaked · 22/11/2020 21:31

I think it depends whether you would plan to leave the room if the baby started to cry/get noisy. You would need to be sat near the door and leave immediately I think.
And if it was someone much closer to the deceased than you who said you aren't welcome then you shout probably respect their wishes?

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 22/11/2020 21:31

I took ds to 2 funerals in his first 6 months.
I sat somewhere where I could leave quickly if he started crying, but he was fine.

olivesnutsandcheese · 22/11/2020 21:33

I took my 4 month old to a colleagues funeral. Another friend brought her 3 month old, we sat together near an exit and cleared it with his widow first. But they were both ebf. In the end they were fine, and all the other former colleagues were delighted to meet the babies. It was super sad but I loved having my dc to cuddle.
I really wanted to pay my respects but I couldn't have left dc at home or with anyone else, it was far too soon for me

NonDomina · 22/11/2020 21:33

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I took my ebf 6 month to a funeral of a beloved great aunt. I was nervous about it but afterwards I was approached by the vicar to say how lovely (and unusual, and affirming) it was to have new life at a funeral. I kept her in the sling, swayed during the hymns to keep her comforted, and was at the end of the pew in case I had to take her out if she became too noisy. I think often as new mothers we are often too hyper-aware of every snuffle, but most others are far more tolerant than we suspect. Have courage.

Moo678 · 22/11/2020 21:35

My grandad died when I was 41 weeks pregnant. If baby had been on time I would 100% have brought her to the funeral. I know it would have been a huge comfort to my mum to have us there as it was having my 8 and 6 yr old daughters. My whole family were very keen for the kids to be there.

I also remember one of my best friends bringing her 4 month old to the funeral of a close family friend. He was fine during the ceremony and the widow and her family were so pleased to have him at the wake. I think a baby at a funeral is a wonderful reminder of the continuation of life.

winesolveseverything · 22/11/2020 21:35

So sorry for your loss..
I'd say it was fine at the age. I took my 6 month old to my uncle's funeral, we sat at the back and my husband slipped out with him when he got a little vocal.
Everyone was happy for him to be there, and once it was all over and we were outside again he actually proved to be a lovely distraction for everyone.
There's no way my uncle would have wanted me to leave him behind and I'm sure your grandparent would say the same about your baby too.

elliejjtiny · 22/11/2020 21:36

So sorry for your loss. I've always taken my preschool aged dc to funerals and took my school aged dc (aged 5 and 7) to my Dad's funeral as well. There were about 10 dc there altogether including mine.

KatieGGGG · 22/11/2020 21:38

Echoing pp it depends who asked.

The organiser of the funeral e.g. say their child (so one of your parents) then yes respect their wishes.

Anyone else and their opinion is irrelevant. Check in with your family if you need some reassurance.

Sorry for your loss OP

Daphnise · 22/11/2020 21:41

The last thing I would want to see at a relative's funeral is a baby, so it is unreasonable.

Feministicon · 22/11/2020 21:44

@Daphnise

The last thing I would want to see at a relative's funeral is a baby, so it is unreasonable.
Why?
Dilemmmmma · 22/11/2020 21:48

Not unreasonable.

I took DD to my grandmother's funeral. She was 3 weeks and ebf. I didn't have a choice, beyond not go myself (which I did offer to my mum and uncle). I also took her to gpil funeral, aged 10months, again limited choice and DH and PIL preferred I was there with DD than not.

However she was a content and quiet baby.

MyMistakeToMake · 22/11/2020 21:52

I went toy cousins funeral with my six week old ebf baby. No one batted an eyelid

MostDisputesDieAndNoOneShoots · 22/11/2020 21:53

I took my daughter to my great aunts funeral when she was about 18 weeks old. Same issue, breastfed and and funeral was an hour away. It was fine. We sat by the door and when she got a bit fussy my Dad took her outside.

MostDisputesDieAndNoOneShoots · 22/11/2020 21:54

Sorry posted too soon: meant to add that it was actually nice having her there, she cheered everyone up and it felt like her presence was somehow uplifting.

Blackcountryexile · 22/11/2020 21:58

OP I'm sorry for your loss.
Perhaps if numbers of mourners allowed is an issue that might be a factor in your decision but I would definitely take your baby.
I took my 6 month old to FIL's funeral. We moved to the back when she became a bit unsettled. One of the undertakers kindly came and stood next to me so I could share his hymn sheet.
Everyone was pleased to see her and we felt it was the right thing to do.

Cautionsharpblade · 22/11/2020 22:02

He made a few cute baby noises and I had to get up and jiggle for a little bit but the rest of the time he sat and played with a quiet toy

This would fuck me off no end. It’s a funeral, not a playgroup

Onthelowdown · 22/11/2020 22:05

Babies counted at the funeral of a grandparent I attended recently. Had a cousin who lives very locally insist that her 8 month old take a spot. When the choices for attendees are brutal I think it should be a last resort, though I suspect a lot of people have very small funerals so capacity may not be a concern (around 30 for us). This funeral in particular there were about 50 people at the send off from the family home, a few at a local landmark and at various spots along the route, about 30 waiting at the church and another 20+ waiting at the crematorium. I think all of them would have attended given the opportunity, they had made an effort to dress up to stand outside and pay their respects without being allowed to attend any services. It was so touching but also heartbreaking. If it will make a difference, perhaps consider whether someone in your bubble can drive with you and stay in the car.

Ohanami · 22/11/2020 22:08

Sorry for your loss OP.

Sadly, two of dh's grandparents passed away when our dd1 was about 3m and 6m. Dd went to both funerals with us and nobody batted an eyelid. I fed her before hand then she slept in the sling all the way through the services. She behaved far more appropriately than some of the more eccentric members of the family, and it was a great comfort to my MIL and other family members to have her there.

Womencanlift · 22/11/2020 22:17

In normal times I would say fine for family, not appropriate for friends or acquaintances like colleagues

However right now if the baby coming means that someone who knew the deceased couldn’t come due to numbers then that is unreasonable

WidowTwonky · 22/11/2020 22:19

There’s no right or wrong here. My mum died 2 days after DS2 was born but I didn’t take him to the funeral. We drove the 2 hrs to my parents and DH stayed at their house with the DC during the funeral and came along to the wake

Doboopedoo · 22/11/2020 22:20

It’s a personal decision to be made by you, after speaking to the closest relatives.
I didn’t take my very new baby to my dads funeral, I had trusted friends who watched her during this time, which was lucky.
Have your family met the baby yet? If you don’t want them passed round everybody (which is 100% understandable if you’re upset, and also, COVID), I highly recommend babywearing during the service and at any wake afterwards. I had someone wrap my baby onto me for the wake - best thing ever as I have some ‘enthusiastic’ family members! I wouldn’t have coped with her being passed round everyone, so just a tip if you are able to do it.

myhobbyisouting · 22/11/2020 22:21

Can't someone wait outside with the baby? All those saying "just nip out, sit by the back"....really? Someone getting up and gathering their things/baby/jacket etc and walking out is distracting and unnecessary.

Services are short. Babies don't need feeding every 20 minutes.

MrsP1991 · 22/11/2020 22:45

I just took my 1 year old to the wake as she wouldn't have kept quiet and it wasn't fair on others there to have baby noises in silence.
People loved her being at the wake.

Although slightly different, if I were you and closest family are ok- unless you are also closest family I'd go. Your baby is young and if crying you're not going to be going in so you may end up just outside anyway!

Sewrainbow · 22/11/2020 22:47

Who said it?

I took my 5 week old bf DS to my nan's, wouldn't have been able to go otherwise. The baby is the great grandchild of the deceased. What age would the person saying its inappropriate accept the dggc attending? 2? 4? 10? A baby is easier to keep quiet than a toddler or young child.

DS also went to dh's step uncle's a couple of months later. People said it was nice to see him there. I sat at back and would have taken him out if any noise.

I didn't take either of my DC to a teenage cousin's funeral, for fear of upsetting the family and it wouldn't have been appropriate, they were too young to understand.

Viviennemary · 22/11/2020 22:49

I agree that it's not appropriate.