To bring a baby to a funeral?

[CescaNicole]

I have been told its inappropriate to bring my 12 week old baby to a grandparents funeral.
Baby is breastfed and funeral is 1 hour travel away.

I haven't tried her with a bottle yet and wasnt intending to do so as I found this stressful with my other children.

Honest thoughts please?

We took our 7 month old to DH granddad’s funeral. His dad wouldn’t have had it any other way and insisted that she was there as his Granddad would have wanted her to be there. Definitely helped everyone as lightened the mood a little at the wake afterwards

I was in a similar position and chose to skip the funeral. I wasn’t worried about adults having to see/hear my baby, but I wasn’t comfortable with my baby having to hear crying adults and generally being in such a miserable atmosphere. I’m glad I made that choice as apparently practically the whole place was in tears at one point.

I would take my baby to a funeral. Of course!

I took my son to three funerals during his first 18 months. I had to leave every single one of them to entertain him outside without causing disruption and I missed all of the eulogies of my uncle, grandmother and aunt. That was better than not attending at all, which was the alternative, but it wasn't plain sailing.

My sister’s MIL sat outside in the car with the baby for my grandad’s funeral. He was 8 months. Might be an option.

I really dislike babies at funerals.

Not a nice distraction at all.

People mentioning the circle of life? I think that makes it worse tbh.

Exactly @1FootInTheRave. And a previous poster mentioned how her baby's cooing lightened the mood, which is incredibly insensitive.

Have you got a partner who can go with you and stay in the car or take the baby for a walk? It takes a bit of juggling but it's not impossible to squeeze in a feed right before the service. Appropriate clothing with buttons is usually the issue.

Sorry for your loss and that a parent is making life difficult.

I would not want any babies, even my own, at the funeral of any of my loved ones. No way. It lacks respect. Funerals are a solemn affair marking devastating losses and a baby is not needed.

gypsywater I've not been to many funerals, but the ones I've been to haven't been solemn affairs.

I've taken a baby to 2 funerals, I've asked the organisers both times, and both times they've been happy to have them there. I would have not attended if they hadn't been- not because I don't think my baby should be excluded or anything but because at those particular times, there was no alternative, they were both hours from home, involving overnight stays and the babies were ebf.

@Dilemmmmma For many mourners, they will indeed be incredibly sad and serious occasions. If the chief mourners request no young children or babies present, that should surely be respected. I dont understand why anyone would go against the wishes of the close family.

Took a 7 month old to my Aunt’s funeral - I tried to conceal myself at the back and then one of my cousins (one of her children) came up and said, ‘Why on earth are you back here?’, I explained that I wanted to be able to exit if the dc made a noise... ‘don’t be ridiculous, you’re family, so’s your dc and Mum would be thrilled you’re here and want you to celebrate her life among us, I’ll push the pram to the front’...a lovely way of putting it!!

@gypsywater

I would not want any babies, even my own, at the funeral of any of my loved ones. No way. It lacks respect. Funerals are a solemn affair marking devastating losses and a baby is not needed.

In what way does it lack respect if the family want everyone there? I'm the opposite, to me it lacks respect to exclude someone just because they have a small baby.

I wouldn’t welcome having a baby crying loudly and not letting people hear while paying final respects to someone close. It is not a wedding, sorry.

Personally I think it’s fine to bring a baby to a funeral, but obviously in this case you must respect the wishes of your parent.

I would not want any babies, even my own, at the funeral of any of my loved ones. No way. It lacks respect. Funerals are a solemn affair marking devastating losses and a baby is not needed
Some of these responses are verging
on Victorian!

And a previous poster mentioned how her baby's cooing lightened the mood, which is incredibly insensitive.
In this instance the funeral was a Humanist celebration of an unconventional artist, who loved the baby and his two year old brother who we knew very well (close relative). We arranged the funeral - very different to a religious service and especially one where no babies were requested - absolutely would not have taken him then! Lots of people came up afterwards and said they were glad the children were there. So it very much depends on the circumstance!

My daughter had been to two funerals by the time she was 1. That said I would've had taken her out of the church if she was crying but no one minded her being there (or too polite to say). In many ways it helped.

It's not Victorian for people to feel funerals are not for babies and young children. It's just a different perspective and it's not something that needs looking down on.

It's hardly surprising that people grieve differently and view funerals in different ways.

@AlwaysLatte

It's not victorian it's a different POV.

It's not Victorian for people to feel funerals are not for babies and young children.

It probably is. Most of our customs and attitudes to funerals were set by the Victorians.

Would be victorians have taken children? They were very focussed on death - I suppose the child mortality alone rate and the long periods of mourning, photos of the dead, interest in seances etc would have made it a fairly frequent thing in their lives.

Of course you take your baby to your grandparents funeral! How ridiculous for anyone to suggest otherwise to you OP! What do they suggest you do with them? Agree that if he/she cries, make a swift exit. It's what any reasonable person would do in a group situation, formal or otherwise.

I'm sorry OP, that is a difficult situation.

We took my newborn DS to my Grandma's funeral - my husband whisked him out when he became unsettled. I'm not sure I'd take a fidgetty toddler - but a baby is fine, I think.

So sorry for your loss. Did the person who's service it is like baby's / children? I had to lay my mum to rest recently - she loved babies! And, that would influence me. Best foot forward. 💐