To bring a baby to a funeral?

[CescaNicole]

I have been told its inappropriate to bring my 12 week old baby to a grandparents funeral.
Baby is breastfed and funeral is 1 hour travel away.

I haven't tried her with a bottle yet and wasnt intending to do so as I found this stressful with my other children.

Honest thoughts please?

It is fine. Of course you must take her. She is 12 weeks old and breastfeeding. You can't very well leave her at home!

If you are going, so must she. End of.

And OP, don't wean your baby for this reason x

Well, it's up to your parent, but I think they're being ridiculous and somewhat unkind. However, grief affects people in different ways.

DD2's first social engagement was a funeral - she was 4 days old. She was explicitly welcome though, deceased person's son made that very clear. She slept through the whole thing.

Sorry for your loss OP. My Mum is like this with children and babies at funerals. Luckily we haven't had any opportunities for a battle in recent years.

I feel sad for you that you won't be able to attend because of this. Chances are your baby would sleep though anyway.

Absolutely fine. In fact I would say a good thing to do. My niece brought her baby to my father's funeral. As a new family member I found it useful to think of new life as an old life was passing and his giggling afterwards at the wake really brightened a somber occasion. My dad would have been very disappointed if anyone had told my niece not to bring the baby.

Older relatives tend to have a lot of silly "that's inappropriate!" comments.

Grandmother was in visiting room the day before the funeral. Friends of DF came to pay their respects and comfort him. They came from meeting other people and were dressed sort of "beach party". But they came!! Isn't that what should matter?!!!

I took the first flight to be there (I was living in a different country). So I would definitely have taken my baby as well, if I were in your situation. You should go to your grandparent's funeral

@CescaNicole

Thankyou all for your thoughts. It is my parent who has said this so I do respect their wishes, but will probably have to miss the funeral because of it. The Covid numbers is not an issue - there are less than 30 people attending. I would obviously not allow her to take up a space instead of someone else!

Is your parent the child of the grandparent who has died? If so, YWBU to go. It makes no difference whether you think your baby will be quiet or not. It’s normal for the immediate relatives (spouse or children) to be able to say who is and who is not welcome at a funeral. A newborn will also count towards number and prevent another person attending.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Bring baby. Sit in the back.
If the baby starts fussing, take the baby away straight away not to disturb the grieving people

I took my 6 week old to FIL funeral. Breastfed throughout the service whilst feeding my 2 year old rice cakes. But this kept them relatively quiet, and the family were delighted to see them afterwards. The tone of the service was more expected passing/celebration of life though, so depends on the circumstances.

I'm not really sure why the OP wants our opinion. Her parents have asked her not to bring the baby, and that opinion surely takes precedence over what anyone here thinks.

@TheOrigRights

Of course my parents wishes take precedence over a mumsnet thread.
I am not going to go against their wishes and bring the baby anyway.

I am just wondering people thoughts, as I was made to feel unreasonable for even wanting to bring my baby. I personally cannot see what is inappropriate about it so it helpful to understand different people's perspectives.

In my experience, babies at funerals can bring some much needed relief. As long as you're somewhere where you can easily slip out if necessary, just go for it.
So sorry for your loss!

@TheStripes

Yes the parent is the child of the grandparent. Thankyou.
As mentioned previously it is not about her taking up a limited spot that somebody else would otherwise have.

@CescaNicole

Thankyou all for your thoughts. It is my parent who has said this so I do respect their wishes, but will probably have to miss the funeral because of it. The Covid numbers is not an issue - there are less than 30 people attending. I would obviously not allow her to take up a space instead of someone else!

I happen to agree although I'm sorry you'll not be able to go.

I think it's up to those nearest.

Even if you take your baby out if they cry, the disturbance will have already started.

In normal times taking babies to the wake is a lovely thing to do.

I did it, just breastfed at the back where I could make a quick exit if necessary. The cooing the baby made sometimes lightened the atmosphere a little and a few people chuckled (I would have taken him out if he cried, but he didn't).

That's sad that you won't be able to go. Maybe you could ask if they could speak to the funeral parlour for their advice as I would be surprised if they felt it was inappropriate.

I have always taken my small children to funerals, sat at the back and fed them etc and if they had made a noise would have taken them out. I checked with the families first and they were all fine with it and there were usually lots of other children there also.

OP I feel for you as you navigate this difficult situation.
@AintPageantMaterial and @jojomolo You both express my feelings beautifully.

I did. I had planned to breastfeed in the service if necessary, to keep him quiet, but the man I sat next to was boob height. I ended up feeding outside but still pleased I went.

That's sad that you won't be able to go. Maybe you could ask if they could speak to the funeral parlour for their advice as I would be surprised if they felt it was inappropriate
It is sad that she can't go, but the decision over who attends a funeral lies with those hosting the funeral.
Going above their heads to try and get 'backing' to bring a baby would only cause more issues at what is an already upsetting time.
Not everyone wants babies at a funeral and that's their feelings.

@Chocolatefancy

No I’m sorry but I don’t agree especially with the numbers limiting, I find it a bit rude. It’s not really the place to show off your latest offspring. The cooing, maybe sounds cute to you but I’d find that fecking annoying. Sorry

Are you always such a judgemental prat, @Chocolatefancy? OP is talking about her DGM's funeral, and has said nothing to indicate she thinks it's a time to show off. What a rude, awful thing to say to someone recently bereaved!

I do t know why you wouldn't. Who on earth is going to be offended by a baby? I took ds2 when he was the same age, also ebf. He did get unsettled at one point, very swift resolved by feeding him. I made sure to wear a bf in public appropriate dress.

I did not take ds1 who was just 2..

My 3 month old BF DD suckled all the way though a 90min mass for her great uncle and no one (apart from perhaps my mum next to me) was any the wiser what was going on. I was in a pew, surrounded by close family with a voluminous winter coat to nestle baby in... she snoozed and comfort sucked and it was all very satisfactory.
I couldn't have left her with anyone as it was a 2 hour drive from home and all my close family were at the funeral anyway.

[quote CescaNicole]@TheOrigRights

Of course my parents wishes take precedence over a mumsnet thread.
I am not going to go against their wishes and bring the baby anyway.

I am just wondering people thoughts, as I was made to feel unreasonable for even wanting to bring my baby. I personally cannot see what is inappropriate about it so it helpful to understand different people's perspectives. [/quote]
I understand your parents' feelings and yours. Could someone wait in the car or take baby for a walk, returning for the wake, that's always a different atmosphere and is what I did when I had a similar situation, though my lo was a few months older.

Really sorry for your loss op. I would think it’s fine tbh. If they are fed and changed before the service hopefully they may sleep through? Cant see the problem.

I went to a funeral when I was a baby apparently. The whole family were at the funeral and the only way my mother could go was if I went. Apparently having a young baby there cheered the particularly elderly mourners up.

My grandpa died earlier in the year. My children were at school else I would have struggled to go and even then mil had to pick them up. I wouldn’t take any children above baby age though but I would have struggled without school and mil. Who has objected to it?

@Kacee29

Really sorry for your loss op. I would think it’s fine tbh. If they are fed and changed before the service hopefully they may sleep through? Cant see the problem.

I went to a funeral when I was a baby apparently. The whole family were at the funeral and the only way my mother could go was if I went. Apparently having a young baby there cheered the particularly elderly mourners up.

My grandpa died earlier in the year. My children were at school else I would have struggled to go and even then mil had to pick them up. I wouldn’t take any children above baby age though but I would have struggled without school and mil. Who has objected to it?

The OP's parent.