To feel drained and slightly depressed by other mums

[Anonymous311264]

Please help me understand why I’m feeling like this and please be kind. I am aware I might be slightly depressed at the moment but I just need to get some insight:

I feel drained everytime I drop and pick up eldest child from school. The reason is the other mums. I’ve noticed days I don’t see or talk to other mums I have a lovely day but days like yesterday I feel upset and depressed. It’s not necessarily that they say anything unkind. It’s more to do with how I feel after talking to them. I’ve tried leaving at various different times but I always bump into someone as it’s a very small community school. I work part time so I get to drop my eldest off earlier, I cannot do that on days off as no availability. I don’t want to waste my days off feeling like this. I should be bonding with my baby not being upset about the other mums!

Why do I feel like this? I blame my depression BUT I feel fine on days I don’t see them. Also couple of times on my day off I’ve been late so avoided speaking to anyone and that day was great.I just feel there’s a correlation between speaking to them and having an awful day and opposite of that not seeing anyone and having a lovely day where I’m not overthinking.

I don’t want to look back on my life and think I wasted my life being upset and depressed.

I don’t know if this might help but I’ve noticed even talking to them for mere seconds I feel lightheaded and uneasy, I do not feel like this in other situations. E.g. my weekly Tesco shopping I happily chat to everyone and leave feel happy and upbeat

Can you go and say your in a rush abs not talk to them? Drop off at my sons school is very quick these days with no one hanging around because of social distancing... can you articulate what it is about talking to the mums that is leaving you feeling so down?

@icklekid I’m not very good at articulating or expressing me feelings but I’ll try!

I basically feel on edge and on high alert when I’m talking to most of them. I can’t put it in words but I feel my heart racing and I don’t like the way they look at me. But I go straight to my weekly shopping after drop off and I’m fine!

*my not me! Sorry typos

It sounds like social anxiety OP...very debilitating. I suggest you seek help for that. You can get cognitive therapy for it. It's anxiety...you can't help it. Maybe even acknowledging it will be a step forward.

It sounds like social anxiety to me too. Would some counselling help? If even the briefest of chats makes you feel very low then it's a problem as socialising is a part of life and you can't avoid it forever with kids. I would seek support and see if that helps you.

I suppose if you've already got into the habit it's harder to avoid them, just keep it brief or say you're in a rush.

I'm pretty sure I'm classed as the rude one in the playground but after years of forcing it I decided that I don't actually care as those people are of no significance to me, I say a brief hello in passing to acknowledge them and speak when spoken to of course but I deliberately distance myself (Covid has been a great excuse for me! 🤣) and have my earphones in until my DC comes out of school... The downside to this is that I barely know anyone in DD's class and she's never been invited to parties but I'm not sure that's anything to do with it and she doesn't seem concerned in the slightest!

Strangely i was fine before she started school and most of my friends were made at baby/toddler groups or college.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. Honestly I don’t think it’s social anxiety as I feel fine talking to people outside of this situation. Most of my friends were also made in baby and toddler groups as another poster said. I’m really trying to put my finger on why I feel this way. It might be partly that I find some of them very nosey and gossipy. Even if I move away and just try to minimise conversation I feel their stares!

@PenguinErector I am the same. I nod to a few people on the school run but just keep to myself. I prefer it and I keep out of the pathetic gossip.

But the downside is lack of playdates for my daughter etc. Interesting Penguin says shes found the same issue. Double edge sword I guess.

I hate it too OP. I was purposely late yesterday morning and it was heaven. It's even more tedious as we have to queue outside the school to get the children and it takes bloody ages. Having to do this twice per day everyday for 5 years is filling me with dred.

Sounds like there is a bitchy clique OP? The queen bee may very likely be the mother of the queen bee child at school if so. I find it helps to identify the dynamics, then you can just ignore while feeling morally superior. At least at this time of year you can hide under a big parka and hood. Then look straight ahead and avoid eye contact, if necessary pretend to answer your phone.

Also definitely watch ‘Motherland’, captures these awkward moments at the school gates really well

Honestly OP, forget them and ignore the stares if it helps your mental health.

My eldest a teen now and I tried then - i HATED the bitching, gossipping and competitive parenting that seems to go on so I've given it a swerve this time. Not giving a shit makes life so much easier sometimes!

Distract yourself by phoning someone or listening to music/podcast whilst you wait.

I'm a DGM and hate standing at the school gates, but feel no obligation now to chat and no obligation to feel connected to the other parents. So I just look annoyed and grumpy til DCs come out.
I also wonder if this happens in other countries, I hate the waste of time, in the US they have school buses so no requirement to stand around in the cold. I find it hard to believe that people are expected to break up their day this way and hang about like numpties.

I used to hate the school run, tight cliques of women huddled together who would look when you walked past and not acknowledge you even though your kids shared a class for seven years.

I would purposely be the first to drop off and pick so I could sit by the door and avoid them. I wouldn’t mind but I had no desire to be part of their pretentious, yummy mummy little world. I always have had my own, good friends, I never needed more thank you Carol.

I always pretend to be on my phone so I don’t have to makes small talk 😂

I have no idea what you’re talking about actually. Pre Covid I would see bunches of friends talking not cliques. I only know about 3 mums enough to stand around talking with them and it’s in no way a clique but everyone else if perfectly friendly. If you use that terminology you’re immediately setting it up as something hostile when in all likelihood it’s not. Why would anyone be staring at you? If I’ve ever glanced at anyone for more than a second it’s usually to admire an item of clothing. I think you’ve built this up to be something that it’s not and now it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. You’re also contributing to this idea that “ mums” aka women are all a bunch of bitches where they’re not ( some undoubtably are ). I think you need to find a way to put things into perspective because at the moment you’re setting yourself to be anxious.

The misogynistic bile people are falling over themselves to spout on here as soon as someone mentions the phrase ‘school mums’ beggars belief.

I think it's could be a bit of a faulty 'filling in the blank' - you don't know these women very well and they don't know you but you suspect they're gossipy - so you don't really feel they have good intentions and you are likely deep down suspecting they are thinking/saying negative things about you. Your depression is probably leading you to make this assumption. So for a while you sort of have to consider how they are seeing you when you bump into them and part of you believe its not necessarily good. This sets you off feeling bad about yourself or low or anxious.
I'd guess you don't believe people in the supermarket don't come from such a loaded starting point so it's all much more open and neutral and not so much about how your viewed as a person/Mum and you don't suspect they judge you as much, so it doesn't trigger low feelings.
That's just my guess!

@KormaKormaChameleon

That sounds spot on to me.

Playground pressure. I always loathed it myself. Ds is 15 and I don't have that to cope with now of course.

The misogynistic bile people are falling over themselves to spout on here as soon as someone mentions the phrase ‘school mums’ beggars belief.

I agree completely.
Why do women suddenly turn into competitive bitches and join part of a destructive clique when they have to drop off children at school?
I have been doing drop offs at school for many years.
There have been a small minority of women who consider themselves apha mothers, set up cliques etc, but no more than any other environment like a work place.
The majority of women ( and it tends to be mostly women, but that's another story) and just trying to get by as best thay can- dreading another day at work, feelig isolated at home, trying to hide their yogurt stained shirt with a big coat.
As a SAHM for many years these small school gate exchanges were a lifeline, sometimes the only other adult contact I had in a whole day, and I suspect these small conversations were important to other women too. Some of my closest friendships have been made at the school gate.

OP I am sorry you are finding it so tough, I would suggest you try to find some help for your anxiety.

A bit drastic but maybe get a dog. I always took mine on the school run and had to stand outside the school gates - avoiding the playground gossips. It's not a totally anti-social thing as people/kids would still stop to pat the dog, exchange small talk about pets etc.

Though social anxiety can be domain specific (for example fear of interaction with colleagues but no real problems walking into a party), it tends to be something that’s been grappled with for a while - have you always had this problem or did it develop recently, or even recently and fairly suddenly?

Where there is depression (have you been diagnosed with PND @Anonymous311264?) the thinking is that depression is generally treated first. It might be that (what sounds like) anxiety is a symptom of the depression. Are you being treated for depression or PND? If the depression is managed well it could be that a problem like this goes away, if not you could be helped by CBT to identify unhelpful thinking and behaviour (for example, thinking they are all bitches and avoiding the school gates so they can’t make a similarly negative assessment of you would be one such unhelpful pattern).

My instinct is that your depression is the first thing you should tackle if you’re not already. I don’t know you of course, but just going by what you’ve said. I hope you feel better

I imagine the difference is you care what the mums outside the school think about you a far greater deal then the randoms you would see in the supermarket. It can be a bit cliquey - a bit like the "popular" group in school. Have you low self esteem also OP? I know easier said than done but even if they are saying things about you (they're probably not) it really doesn't matter. They are not an important part of your life. Otherwise I agree with someone who said to pretend to be on the phone. I always do this if I feel a bit awkward!

Besides, primary school isn't forever. Before you know it, this won't be an every day part of your life.