To feel drained and slightly depressed by other mums

[Anonymous311264]

Please help me understand why I’m feeling like this and please be kind. I am aware I might be slightly depressed at the moment but I just need to get some insight:

I feel drained everytime I drop and pick up eldest child from school. The reason is the other mums. I’ve noticed days I don’t see or talk to other mums I have a lovely day but days like yesterday I feel upset and depressed. It’s not necessarily that they say anything unkind. It’s more to do with how I feel after talking to them. I’ve tried leaving at various different times but I always bump into someone as it’s a very small community school. I work part time so I get to drop my eldest off earlier, I cannot do that on days off as no availability. I don’t want to waste my days off feeling like this. I should be bonding with my baby not being upset about the other mums!

Why do I feel like this? I blame my depression BUT I feel fine on days I don’t see them. Also couple of times on my day off I’ve been late so avoided speaking to anyone and that day was great.I just feel there’s a correlation between speaking to them and having an awful day and opposite of that not seeing anyone and having a lovely day where I’m not overthinking.

I don’t want to look back on my life and think I wasted my life being upset and depressed.

it depends whether you are open to chatting to other mums who are there, especially if they're on their own.

Sorry, I know this is pages ago now, but I’ve been busy all evening and just want to come back to this. I still believe that “cliquiness” is so much to do with perception. You see, I think our little group of NCT mums often weren’t really open to chatting with strangers at the time, but not because we wanted to be exclusionary or thought we were better than anyone else. Rather it was a vulnerable time in our lives (in my case DS was a difficult baby (later diagnosed with ASD) and my husband was undergoing chemotherapy. Others in the group had various health issues with themselves or their babies) and often we just wanted to take solace in each other’s company. Maybe we did seem insular and unfriendly? But I dislike the default assumption that women are “bitchy” if they’re insufficiently welcoming at all times.

@gandalf456

You do but there is something about a predominantly female environment

Spot on.

I don't think she worked a day in her life, always wore the thick makeup and clothes belittling others. Was overheard talking about my sister and her hair being a mess ect, my sister being a good 15 years younger than her. Something not right about a woman in her 40s trash talking others on their appearance

The thing is I think most people are nice enough but the tone is usually set by the strongest charatcter in a group...most people are cowards and scared to challenge. So, in a previous group of mums I was friendly with the most confident 'leader' type was very inclusive. I remember sitting at a kid's party and a mum was sitting alone, she called across the room for her to come and join us ...it was a nice atmosphere. The other mums I know, the 'leader' would give snide looks to the mum alone and birch about how she must think she's better than them and blah blah...atmosphere in turn is nasty. Most people are sheep and go along with it because of the fear of being ostracized

@formerbabe I think you may be right. It's certainly my experience at work that the strongest personality (sometimes but not always the line manager) sets the tone and that determines the culture.

I'm not a group person though, so maybe that's why a lot of this passes me by re the school run. I enjoy chatting to a couple of the parents at the school gate, have had a few over at the house/ in the garden over the years, but usually on a one-to-one basis.

@PatriciaPerch sounds like the right attitude to me

Re PPs mentioning 'queen bees' at the school gate. Really? (genuine question) Do parents actually have time for this shit AT THE SCHOOL GATE? I would have thought we're all far to busy with life/work/covid to behave like we're still at school. Not saying it isn't there, it's probably just me being unobservant

PatriciaPerch

That's the only way to deal with it though. People spend far far too much time worrying about this sort of thing.

In my experience the more you worry about what people think of you the less they will like and respect you anyway.