To feel drained and slightly depressed by other mums

[Anonymous311264]

Please help me understand why I’m feeling like this and please be kind. I am aware I might be slightly depressed at the moment but I just need to get some insight:

I feel drained everytime I drop and pick up eldest child from school. The reason is the other mums. I’ve noticed days I don’t see or talk to other mums I have a lovely day but days like yesterday I feel upset and depressed. It’s not necessarily that they say anything unkind. It’s more to do with how I feel after talking to them. I’ve tried leaving at various different times but I always bump into someone as it’s a very small community school. I work part time so I get to drop my eldest off earlier, I cannot do that on days off as no availability. I don’t want to waste my days off feeling like this. I should be bonding with my baby not being upset about the other mums!

Why do I feel like this? I blame my depression BUT I feel fine on days I don’t see them. Also couple of times on my day off I’ve been late so avoided speaking to anyone and that day was great.I just feel there’s a correlation between speaking to them and having an awful day and opposite of that not seeing anyone and having a lovely day where I’m not overthinking.

I don’t want to look back on my life and think I wasted my life being upset and depressed.

@Friendsoftheearth

Basically, recognising that all you are fearing is social awkwardness and possibly social rejection might make it easier. Atm you are feeling the fear and allowing it to fester

I definitely was not worried about rejection or awkwardness, and yet I distinctly remember really not wanting to engage with these people day in and day out, twice a day, every bloody day. Same people, usually same kind of banal conversation. It was exhausting.

Nothing to do with things festering I just could not work up the energy to make the effort needed every single day, I found it draining and started to dread it. So it is easier to be breezy and keep walking sometimes, so much easier to nip in and out.
Lacey you sound friendly, I used to find the over friendly ones the worst, no offence, but I just wanted to grab my dc and go, and not get bogged down with questions or conversation especially. Be mindful of other people's body language. We used to have a parent that used to lie in wait for her next victim, and then you were snared into an extended conversation and then have to field invites. I used to avoid her.

Jesus. Now OP will be wondering if she’s encountering people like you!

Noted! 😉

Don't go changing, LaceyBetty - I think you sound ace!

I'm really baffled as to why "the school mums" have become such a lightning rod for anxiety. Its something we as a society really need to give some thought to.

You see it all the time on here: people feel judged and upset when they have perfectly normal interactions with other mothers at the school gate. I don't get it and I don't understand it personally but that doesn't mean its not a real thing for a lot of people.

Why does the prospect of interacting with other women engender such anxiety? What are women internalising about other women's intentions which is making them feel so shit?

speakout

"School mums are not a species".

This as well.

Why do we treat "school mums" as such a distinct section of society? They are just women. Why do we give the this power?

I know you don’t think it’s anxiety, but it sounds just like it. And you don’t have to feel anxious in EVERY situation to have it. You wonder if you’re depressed, but it could be anxiety? They can sometimes feel similar.

It seems like you’re projecting onto the other mothers, too. They’re probably just normal people going about their day. But anxiety makes everything look a bit wobbly and different.

You could look at why they make you feel bad. Did you have a tough time at school? Do you think they’re competitive with their kids and it makes you feel oddly competitive too?

Of course, it may be that you don’t like the ones that talk to you for a specific reason and I’m all wrong here!

I think the school gate is such a source of angst for women because they feel that their interactions at the school gate will affect their children and not just them.

I'm easy going and don't generally give a fuck if people don't like me but at the school gates you want people to like you because it reflects on your child and you want them to be included socially.

Unfortunately my dcs class is very cliquey (no it's not just mums who happen to be friends) it's a clique. If you're not part of it your dc won't be invited on playdates and to parties. Drop and run, smile and nod doesn't cut it...you need to be besties hun. It's quite hideous.

lacey You do sound great, I second that. After sixteen years of school gate I am more jaded than you and considerably more menopausal!

What are the identifiers of a clique that differentiate it from just friends?

I’ve honestly never been involved with school parents in any way, shape or form. I think I’ve spoken to two or three of them in the whole time my DC have been at school tbh. I’m not a very sociable person so have never seen the need to get involved with the politics. I overhear some of them talking sometimes and it just sounds so drab, I’m not really one for small talk .

I’d just start being in a rush if I were you. Get there bang on time, drop at the door then rush off. Say hello to acknowledge but don’t stop and chat.

Why do we treat "school mums" as such a distinct section of society? They are just women. Why do we give the this power?

^^ This. I regard other school parents like my work colleagues (when I worked). I could make small talk in the kitchen while waiting for the kettle to boil with pretty much anyone. Some of them I’d “click” with and want to spend time with outside of work. Others not so much. If I wasn’t in the mood for chatting I’d just make an excuse about being busy and scuttle back to my desk.

Perhaps it’s the school environment that takes people back to their own school days, but all this stuff about “queen bees”, competitive parents and bitchy cliques is projection.

@upsidedownwavylegs

What are the identifiers of a clique that differentiate it from just friends?

Excluding other children from social events despite the children being friends...because the mum isn't in the clique.

Blanking other mums even when they say good morning.

Dirty looks to non clique members

Sounds like there is a bitchy clique OP? The queen bee may very likely be the mother of the queen bee child at school if so. I find it helps to identify the dynamics, then you can just ignore while feeling morally superior.

Are you 12? Are there actual grown adult women who think and talk like this?
You're not in an american teens soap, grow up ffs.

OP, just pick up your kids and get over yourself. It's not compulsory to talk to or even look at anyone at the school. The vast majority are there solely to collect their children and have zero interest in you.

I get it. It doesn't bother me as much anymore though. I drop my kids off and I'll talk sometimes depending on who I'm stood next to but I won't go out my way. I've seen arguments and drama on the playground where mums have been crying over stuff another mum has said, then the next day they're best mates again and I'm glad I'm not involved in all that. I don't think there's anything wrong with keeping to yourself and I've seen other parents do the same.

upside they don't talk to anyone else but 'their' group.

mrs you have clearly never been part of or witnessed the school gate mother take out her perceived competitor! You are underestimating at your peril in view. After a decade and a half, I have seen it all, and quietly watched the biggest bust ups known to man. Kids involved. School involved. I would say if you have had no experience of this, then you are very lucky (or never at the gate) most parents will not see out the school experience without seeing something incredibly childish happen between perfectly normal functioning adults. It can get VERY personal.

*You see it all the time on here: people feel judged and upset when they have perfectly normal interactions with other mothers at the school gate. I don't get it and I don't understand it personally but that doesn't mean its not a real thing for a lot of people.

Why does the prospect of interacting with other women engender such anxiety? What are women internalising about other women's intentions which is making them feel so shit?*

^This^
I don't get it either. Sometimes I see people at the school gate I can chat to, sometimes I don't, sometimes I'm not in the mood for a chat, but I'll always say hello and smile.

I’m extremely confused about the rules now. If I invite my kid’s friend over am I being non-cliquey or am I an over-friendly ‘worst one’ lying in wait for my next victim as I’ve not been mindful of their body language? I can see why some people find it anxiety-inducing.

Also, why doesn’t it happen at nursery?

Friends my oldest is in y5 and I’ve done every single school run bar a couple when I’ve been too ill, and I’ve honestly never seen anything like that. Maybe I’m just a bit oblivious? I dunno. There is a group of mothers of children in my son’s class who go out for dinner together and whose children go to the same sports clubs, but I don’t view them as a “clique” or assume they’re judging or deliberately excluding me. They’re just a group of woman who are friends and obviously enjoy each other’s company. Good for them!

There is a group of mothers of children in my son’s class who go out for dinner together and whose children go to the same sports clubs, but I don’t view them as a “clique” or assume they’re judging or deliberately excluding me. They’re just a group of woman who are friends and obviously enjoy each other’s company. Good for them!

exactly! They are a group of women that hang out together. They aren't a fecking "clique".
It would probably help matters if people stopped thinking the whole world revolves around them.

It's probably a combination of things - many people are told they'll make life long friends at the school gate..

For most of us that simply doesn't happen - but it might! If we fit in! And wear the right thing, say the right thing, let others know we're doing the right things on the weekends, have lots of friends already (can't let them know you don't have any real friends), an interesting job, and similar values (but first we have to find out what their values are)

It is definitely a thing the school gate mentality. I can't really explain it that well but I do understand how the op feels though and it's easy to feel judged all the time. It might be a confidence / self esteem thing , but I know I was like this too.
It is weird. I was pleased when I didn't have to do it anymore.

mrs When the groups blow up, that is when the fall out tends to play out by the school gate. Over the years it has been quite interesting. You are only in year five, and if you have one child you may avoid it all together. I have been part of groups, I have tried to be friendly to everyone. It is involved in some schools, they are not all the same.

Dc now in a new school and most parents are working, and that is much easier - civilised - no one has the time for drama.

@WaterAndTheWild

It's probably a combination of things - many people are told they'll make life long friends at the school gate..

For most of us that simply doesn't happen - but it might! If we fit in! And wear the right thing, say the right thing, let others know we're doing the right things on the weekends, have lots of friends already (can't let them know you don't have any real friends), an interesting job, and similar values (but first we have to find out what their values are)

What’s the school gate specific bit, though? And the mum specific bit?

I have never seen any problems at nursery level, I guess it must be the insecurity that starts to build up in some parents as the children grow up and start to become more academic and sporty etc or not as the case may be.

The culture shifts to what child is gifted/showing promise - who is the popular kid, and it filters out to the parents and plays out in the groups. It is all pretty sad, and shows a lack of self esteem in the parents that become so competitive.
The dinner parties, the holidays together etc all follow. Some parents are dropped because they are not wealthy/connected etc. This is not just hollywood stereotypes as I thought before we started school. Ferocious social networkers that will do anything to be part of the in group at school, it is not so much as a lose group of well meaning women, but a cabal of strategic mothers with a laser like focus on their kids and their friendships.

Pretty Little Liars was not a patch on our old school many had to develop AD habits and alcoholism just to get through it