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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel drained and slightly depressed by other mums

209 replies

Anonymous311264 · 19/11/2020 04:14

Please help me understand why I’m feeling like this and please be kind. I am aware I might be slightly depressed at the moment but I just need to get some insight:

I feel drained everytime I drop and pick up eldest child from school. The reason is the other mums. I’ve noticed days I don’t see or talk to other mums I have a lovely day but days like yesterday I feel upset and depressed. It’s not necessarily that they say anything unkind. It’s more to do with how I feel after talking to them. I’ve tried leaving at various different times but I always bump into someone as it’s a very small community school. I work part time so I get to drop my eldest off earlier, I cannot do that on days off as no availability. I don’t want to waste my days off feeling like this. I should be bonding with my baby not being upset about the other mums!

Why do I feel like this? I blame my depression BUT I feel fine on days I don’t see them. Also couple of times on my day off I’ve been late so avoided speaking to anyone and that day was great.I just feel there’s a correlation between speaking to them and having an awful day and opposite of that not seeing anyone and having a lovely day where I’m not overthinking.

I don’t want to look back on my life and think I wasted my life being upset and depressed.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 19/11/2020 12:50

But surely its normal to invite only your friends to playdates? Or invite only your friends to parties? Who else do you invite?

@BigBlueBow. Yes it is normal but what I'm talking about is the parents inviting the children of their friends round for play dates and parties regardless of the children's friendships. My dc is very popular but is rarely invited to parties because the clique only invite other members of the cliques children.

formerbabe · 19/11/2020 12:51

@upsidedownwavylegs

I think you've confused my posts with someone else...I don't know what you're talking about Confused

formerbabe · 19/11/2020 12:52

Or confused someone else's posts with mine I meant to say

upsidedownwavylegs · 19/11/2020 12:54

No I haven’t. I quote tweeted the post of the poster I was addressing, who had tagged you.

FudgeDrudge · 19/11/2020 12:55

But surely its normal to invite only your friends to playdates? Or invite only your friends to parties? Who else do you invite?

No, apparently if you don't invite every single random from the school yard to everything, you are an evil firebreathing momster head of a clique/cabal, or some madness.

formerbabe · 19/11/2020 12:57

@FudgeDrudge

But surely its normal to invite only your friends to playdates? Or invite only your friends to parties? Who else do you invite?

No, apparently if you don't invite every single random from the school yard to everything, you are an evil firebreathing momster head of a clique/cabal, or some madness.

You invite your children's friends surely? These women exclude their dcs friends if they are not personally friends with the mother.
formerbabe · 19/11/2020 12:58

@upsidedownwavylegs

No I haven’t. I quote tweeted the post of the poster I was addressing, who had tagged you.
Oh sorry, I see
hellswelshy · 19/11/2020 13:02

I was a bit the same OP. Was mainly my issue, but I was older than the majority of the other mums, and didn't really fit in. My way of dealing with it was to use headphones so I didn't have to hear any of the conversation around me, and would just smile pleasantly. It worked for me!

gandalf456 · 19/11/2020 13:03

I never forged long term friendships from the school gates. By the time my second was at school, my expectations were very low and I stopped putting any pressure on myself. Someone once said to me that I should look on them as work colleagues and I still think that's absolutely true for most of us

OrigamiPenguinArmy · 19/11/2020 13:09

Every single time this topic comes up on here it goes the same way. There’s a group of posters who assume that because they have never experienced unpleasantness at the school gates it doesn’t exist. I’ve worked in at least a dozen different work places and never experienced work place bullying, that doesn’t mean I’d deny that it happens. If everything was always friendly at the school gates Motherland wouldn’t seem so familiar to so many of us.

thepeopleversuswork · 19/11/2020 13:13

formerbabe

"You invite your children's friends surely? These women exclude their dcs friends if they are not personally friends with the mother."

But its a bit of a grey area, surely? I asked my DD who her friends were she'd basically reel off a list of all the girls in the class (she doesn't like boys atm). Plus the list of friends changes on a daily basis according to playground politics.

Its hard for a parent to know definitely who the key friends are and a some point there has to be a cutoff point. Unless you're very wealthy you can't invite everyone in the entire school to any social event which you have. If a mum is known to and friendly to you you are more likely to invite their child if numbers are limited.

People often seem determined to take offence when this happens but I don't really see why its that controversial to prioritise people you know. It may sound harsh and it can be difficult for a child but part of the lesson of growing up that you won't always get invited to everything. Part of our job as mothers is to help children understand that not always being invited doesn't mean you're ostracised from society.

We shouldn't tolerate bullying or deliberate exclusion obviously but I think we need to teach our kids to deal with this without massively over-dramatizing everything.

the80sweregreat · 19/11/2020 13:14

The Motherland comedy was spot on about all this.

gandalf456 · 19/11/2020 13:16

I agree. Too much is made of making friendships with fellow mums. Great, if you can but it's not the end of the world if you don't. There are plenty of other ways of meeting people and your child won't become an outcast. You can still have playdates. You don't need to have a closeness with other parents for that. You just have to trust one another with your respective children. Both my children had other kids around and my relationship with their parents was friendly but quite business-like.

I made the mistake with my first in thinking the same as you, OP, and, of course, there were a lot of cliquey parents in my eldest's year, which I didn't experience much of with my second (or there probably were but it was over my head by this time).

And when they get to secondary school, they change a lot of make new friends anyway, where you have minimal contact with parents and, gradually, they start making their own arrangements and you are just a taxi

BigBlueBow · 19/11/2020 13:18

@formerbabe what happens when you invite their dc over?

How old are these dc?

formerbabe · 19/11/2020 13:19

@thepeopleversuswork

formerbabe

"You invite your children's friends surely? These women exclude their dcs friends if they are not personally friends with the mother."

But its a bit of a grey area, surely? I asked my DD who her friends were she'd basically reel off a list of all the girls in the class (she doesn't like boys atm). Plus the list of friends changes on a daily basis according to playground politics.

Its hard for a parent to know definitely who the key friends are and a some point there has to be a cutoff point. Unless you're very wealthy you can't invite everyone in the entire school to any social event which you have. If a mum is known to and friendly to you you are more likely to invite their child if numbers are limited.

People often seem determined to take offence when this happens but I don't really see why its that controversial to prioritise people you know. It may sound harsh and it can be difficult for a child but part of the lesson of growing up that you won't always get invited to everything. Part of our job as mothers is to help children understand that not always being invited doesn't mean you're ostracised from society.

We shouldn't tolerate bullying or deliberate exclusion obviously but I think we need to teach our kids to deal with this without massively over-dramatizing everything.

Well it's quite hard to explain to your upset child that even though you're good friends at school with Emma, Emma can't invite you to her party...I know she's invited Max who she never plays with but that's because Emma's mummy and Max's mummy go to the gym together.
formerbabe · 19/11/2020 13:21

[quote BigBlueBow]@formerbabe what happens when you invite their dc over?

How old are these dc?[/quote]
I don't invite the children of the clique over... would you approach a mum who has actually ignored you saying good morning to her, to ask for a playdate?

BigBlueBow · 19/11/2020 13:22

I really dont think thats hard to grasp.

Thats always happened since the beginning of time. Children of parents friends get invited to their parties. Like cousins get invited.

BigBlueBow · 19/11/2020 13:25

So neither of you invite the others dc over?

lurker69 · 19/11/2020 13:26

I haven't rtt but yes i do. i have really bad social anxiety, i am also just not a people person anyway. Several of the mums talk to me, i hate it, i know they are just being friendly and polite but honestly come Wednesday, if i have had to talk to people every school run i feel physically sick at school run time, i find it mentally draining.

chopc · 19/11/2020 13:26

Comparison is the thief of joy. Even if you are not consciously comparing yourself to others I think that's subconsciously happening and maybe makes you feel insecure?

gandalf456 · 19/11/2020 13:27

But not ignoring someone doesn't mean you are great friends. You can be friendly but maintain a respectable distance. I think the OP is pressure herself to become bosom buddies with everyone or else the consequences will be dire.

I don't understand why some parents actively ignore another parent if they haven't done anything to upset them anyway. It's a bit weird and, yes, I would probably not be too fussed about approaching them about a playdate then as it would be very aWKward

EmeraldShamrock · 19/11/2020 13:31

If they make you feel uncomfortable your body is reacting to your feelings.
Put things in perspective practice some simple jolly exchanges nothing deep it will put you in control of the situation.
I recommend the drop off/collection without expectation.
Take your phone for a distraction say hi walk by.

thepeopleversuswork · 19/11/2020 13:33

formerbabe

"Well it's quite hard to explain to your upset child that even though you're good friends at school with Emma, Emma can't invite you to her party...I know she's invited Max who she never plays with but that's because Emma's mummy and Max's mummy go to the gym together."

Yes it is hard and its understandable that the children get upset. But this is unfortunately something kids are probably going to have to deal with throughout life. You're not helping by signalling to them that they have a right to get the hump every time they aren't invited.

If your kids are going to go into higher education, or to work, for example, they are going to come across this. You can't shield them from this.

Better to use this as an opportunity to help them understand it and use it to strengthen their self-esteem and resilience to deal with the next time it happens than encourage them to take it personally.

I'm not saying you should tolerate deliberate, spiteful exclusion, but quite a lot of these seem to be examples of people taking offence when another mum accidentally overlooks their kid or just didn't get around to inviting them. Teaching their kid that they should expect to be invited to everything and should throw their toys out of the pram when they don't isn't a great life lesson.

upsidedownwavylegs · 19/11/2020 13:35

I don't invite the children of the clique over... would you approach a mum who has actually ignored you saying good morning to her, to ask for a playdate?

But aren’t you expecting her to put aside her own interpersonal relationships and give invitations based on her child’s friendships? While you’re not willing to do the same? I get that you think it’s different because you believe you’re the slightee and she’s the slighter, but she might well be thinking the same.

themuttsnutts · 19/11/2020 13:37

Sometimes I see it as an opportunity to teach them something - i.e. to invite the children they really want to invite rather than those whose parents are friends