Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel drained and slightly depressed by other mums

209 replies

Anonymous311264 · 19/11/2020 04:14

Please help me understand why I’m feeling like this and please be kind. I am aware I might be slightly depressed at the moment but I just need to get some insight:

I feel drained everytime I drop and pick up eldest child from school. The reason is the other mums. I’ve noticed days I don’t see or talk to other mums I have a lovely day but days like yesterday I feel upset and depressed. It’s not necessarily that they say anything unkind. It’s more to do with how I feel after talking to them. I’ve tried leaving at various different times but I always bump into someone as it’s a very small community school. I work part time so I get to drop my eldest off earlier, I cannot do that on days off as no availability. I don’t want to waste my days off feeling like this. I should be bonding with my baby not being upset about the other mums!

Why do I feel like this? I blame my depression BUT I feel fine on days I don’t see them. Also couple of times on my day off I’ve been late so avoided speaking to anyone and that day was great.I just feel there’s a correlation between speaking to them and having an awful day and opposite of that not seeing anyone and having a lovely day where I’m not overthinking.

I don’t want to look back on my life and think I wasted my life being upset and depressed.

OP posts:
Friendsoftheearth · 19/11/2020 14:53

We have our very own school cliquey mother here in upside ask her why she thinks its okay to make other parents miserable and unhappy. Staunchly defending her right to put her playground politics above her children. Heartless and callous - your last post said it all.

Friendsoftheearth · 19/11/2020 14:53

Genuinely upside why so coy suddenly.

upsidedownwavylegs · 19/11/2020 14:55

@Friendsoftheearth

We have our very own school cliquey mother here in upside ask her why she thinks its okay to make other parents miserable and unhappy. Staunchly defending her right to put her playground politics above her children. Heartless and callous - your last post said it all.
I don’t attend any playgrounds Hmm this is a chat forum. You seem confused.
Friendsoftheearth · 19/11/2020 14:57

Why are you commenting on this thread if you have no experience of playground issues? What possible help can you offer op if you have no idea what it is like?

Janegrey333 · 19/11/2020 14:58

Probably just to pitch in. Hmm

upsidedownwavylegs · 19/11/2020 14:58

@Friendsoftheearth

Genuinely upside why so coy suddenly.
‘Coy suddenly’ for not knowing why I’d seem familiar to a stranger on an internet forum? Confused dear me.
upsidedownwavylegs · 19/11/2020 14:59

@Friendsoftheearth

Why are you commenting on this thread if you have no experience of playground issues? What possible help can you offer op if you have no idea what it is like?
Is this your first day on the Internet or what?
Janegrey333 · 19/11/2020 15:01

Is this your first day on the Internet or what?

Ermmmm - and how is that relevant or are you just being unpleasant?

Letsgetgoing888 · 19/11/2020 15:01

Is there any more detail @Anonymous311264 as to why they make you feel like This or what could have happened to bring on these feelings?

I used to enjoy the school run as a chance to catch up with friends, and may have come across as cliquey to those who stood apart and didn’t come and chat.

But now I feel I have turned full circle and now find I just smile and say hello but generally don’t chat much (nit just due to covid). I have never really clicked with anyone in dc3 class and really can’t be bothered making small talk!

My tips are to get there as late as possible to pick up so that dc is ready to go, drop off as early as you can. Big smile and say hello but act as if you’re in a hurry. Big pair of sunglasses, mask, woolly hat and big coat. No one can see you. In and out nice and quickly!

Sometimes it’s just the stress of the whole experience, having to be on time, having to do it even if you’re under the weather etc, but it’s easier when they can start walking themselves!

Friendsoftheearth · 19/11/2020 15:02

So why are you on here upside if you have never been to a playground? and yet you feel you are qualified to comment all the way through questioning other people's experiences Confused

upsidedownwavylegs · 19/11/2020 15:04

@Friendsoftheearth

So why are you on here upside if you have never been to a playground? and yet you feel you are qualified to comment all the way through questioning other people's experiences Confused
Who said ‘never been to a playground’? And yes, obviously I’m qualified, because again, it’s a chat forum. Qualifications required = username and password. Do you think single women shouldn’t comment on the relationships section?
upsidedownwavylegs · 19/11/2020 15:07

@Janegrey333

Is this your first day on the Internet or what?

Ermmmm - and how is that relevant or are you just being unpleasant?

It’s relevant because anyone who’s been on the internet before would surely understand that anyone can comment on anything. No, I’m not being unpleasant, unless you count pointing out that “you sound friendly - the over friendly ones are the worst, no offence” isn’t a nice thing to say as unpleasant. It’s easy to see why some women on this thread struggle with peer relationships.
Friendsoftheearth · 19/11/2020 15:10

I don’t attend any playgrounds hmm

This was your exact comment.

So which one is it?

You either go to a playground to collect children, or you don't. One of your posts is wrong or a lie. Which one is it?

It is not acceptable for you to bombard the thread with attacks on other posts, that they are somehow 'wrong' to post their own experience, and yet according to you - you have never even been in a playground! So just how helpful is your advice? To op or to anyone else? Your dismissive tone is incredibly unhelpful.

Friendsoftheearth · 19/11/2020 15:12

I suggest you are being goady and not unlike some of the parents we are discussing in fact. Anyway whilst we wait for you to decide if you have been in a playground or not, we should probably direct our comments to op and not derail the thread okay.

Friendsoftheearth · 19/11/2020 15:17

Anyway I am off to do a real school run - not a pretend one, I hope it gets better op!

Bright and breezy. All the best!

upsidedownwavylegs · 19/11/2020 15:18

@Friendsoftheearth

I don’t attend any playgrounds hmm

This was your exact comment.

So which one is it?

You either go to a playground to collect children, or you don't. One of your posts is wrong or a lie. Which one is it?

It is not acceptable for you to bombard the thread with attacks on other posts, that they are somehow 'wrong' to post their own experience, and yet according to you - you have never even been in a playground! So just how helpful is your advice? To op or to anyone else? Your dismissive tone is incredibly unhelpful.

Obviously I’ve been in a playground. Guess what category of human I used to be? And as alluded to previously, I now collect my child from nursery (where presumably I meet the same women I’ll see at the school gates in a year or two). I never said you were wrong to post your own experience, I said your comment wasn’t nice. That isn’t ‘unacceptable’, you just don’t like it, that’s not the same thing. Prior to that lots of posters agreed with my contribution, so in answer to your question, perhaps my advice was helpful to OP and/or anybody else. Failing that I’m sure your incisive comment about requiring alcoholism to ‘get through it’ will have reassured her.
Friendsoftheearth · 19/11/2020 15:30

upside So you haven't even got to the school gate stage yet!!!!!! Seriously! And yet you think it is going to be the same as nursery?

Wow.

You have a very high opinion of yourself and your advice, which is based on no experience whatsoever. That speaks volumes. Good luck thats all I am saying. I am sure you will have a great time...

formerbabe · 19/11/2020 15:34

@Friendsoftheearth

upside So you haven't even got to the school gate stage yet!!!!!! Seriously! And yet you think it is going to be the same as nursery?

Wow.

You have a very high opinion of yourself and your advice, which is based on no experience whatsoever. That speaks volumes. Good luck thats all I am saying. I am sure you will have a great time...

I know, imagine having no experience of something and telling people who do that they're wrong!

I've been doing the school run for almost a decade now

upsidedownwavylegs · 19/11/2020 15:39

@Friendsoftheearth

upside So you haven't even got to the school gate stage yet!!!!!! Seriously! And yet you think it is going to be the same as nursery?

Wow.

You have a very high opinion of yourself and your advice, which is based on no experience whatsoever. That speaks volumes. Good luck thats all I am saying. I am sure you will have a great time...

That’s been my point throughout - that ‘school mums’ is a misogynistic trope, they’re the same women you see in any other context Confused and yes, I’m sure I will have a great time, because I have healthy self-esteem and don’t struggle to get on with people. As I said, it’s easy to see how that isn’t the case for some posters here.
Letsgetgoing888 · 19/11/2020 16:01

@formerbabe

But surely its normal to invite only your friends to playdates? Or invite only your friends to parties? Who else do you invite?

@BigBlueBow. Yes it is normal but what I'm talking about is the parents inviting the children of their friends round for play dates and parties regardless of the children's friendships. My dc is very popular but is rarely invited to parties because the clique only invite other members of the cliques children.

This is true and is our experience too with dc3.

Dc3 is popular and outgoing, but rarely gets invited anywhere because after 12 years of school runs, I have not got as involved third time around.

I feel sad for ds3 as they are desperate to meet friends after school (obvs not at moment) but has never been invited to play at anyone’s house. I have had a few to our house but it’s never been reciprocated as they just invite the children of their friends, not the kids friends.

Janegrey333 · 19/11/2020 16:02

Mumsnet bingo.

LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 19/11/2020 16:18

but what I'm talking about is the parents inviting the children of their friends round for play dates and parties regardless of the children's friendships. My dc is very popular but is rarely invited to parties because the clique only invite other members of the cliques children.

I had that with DS - and led to some issues in school with him being left out. We moved for work but it was nice to get away from that as well.

The whole town was hard place to live I had posters on here insist over those years that it must be me and I just need to try harder.

When we actually talked in RL to people who knew town and that area and posters on here, when I said where it was,who lived there - my lived experince was in line with theirs. It was just very clique and you had to be born there to fit in - was way worse than the village I grew up in.

TBH the shcool playgorund could have been much worse given the area - it was mainly DS year and I wasn't the only parent to notice.

gandalf456 · 19/11/2020 16:41

What I found was that a lot of it was to do with childcare. Most of these parents had reciprocal arrangements then hardly saw one another once they no longer needed childcare.

Letsgetgoing888 · 19/11/2020 16:57

I think the people who are talking about low self esteem may have a good point, not just for op but generally.

I’m embarrassed to say that when I first started doing school runs (about 12 years ago) it used to take me ages to get ready for them. I only did them on my days off work, but I would have to do my hair and makeup, always wore nice clothes etc. It was exhausting and time consuming.

I am the total opposite now!! Couldn’t care less what I wear or look like, or what people think of me.

I think when I was younger I did probably feel like I was being judged or on show and that everyone else looked better than me. There was no reason for this, it was all in my head. I felt that if I looked nice people would want to be friends with me more!

Tealuver · 19/11/2020 17:21

Definitely social anxiety. I'm exactly the same as you. I know right now you don't feel OK after talking to them but I strongly suggest you continue to do so.
The more you stop doing things the worse the anxiety takes over