Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel drained and slightly depressed by other mums

209 replies

Anonymous311264 · 19/11/2020 04:14

Please help me understand why I’m feeling like this and please be kind. I am aware I might be slightly depressed at the moment but I just need to get some insight:

I feel drained everytime I drop and pick up eldest child from school. The reason is the other mums. I’ve noticed days I don’t see or talk to other mums I have a lovely day but days like yesterday I feel upset and depressed. It’s not necessarily that they say anything unkind. It’s more to do with how I feel after talking to them. I’ve tried leaving at various different times but I always bump into someone as it’s a very small community school. I work part time so I get to drop my eldest off earlier, I cannot do that on days off as no availability. I don’t want to waste my days off feeling like this. I should be bonding with my baby not being upset about the other mums!

Why do I feel like this? I blame my depression BUT I feel fine on days I don’t see them. Also couple of times on my day off I’ve been late so avoided speaking to anyone and that day was great.I just feel there’s a correlation between speaking to them and having an awful day and opposite of that not seeing anyone and having a lovely day where I’m not overthinking.

I don’t want to look back on my life and think I wasted my life being upset and depressed.

OP posts:
Oblomov20 · 19/11/2020 17:26

What do you think the answer is OP? To talk to your GP? Clearly you do need to do something. This is not normal.

MrsMiaWallis · 19/11/2020 17:38

@Tealuver

Definitely social anxiety. I'm exactly the same as you. I know right now you don't feel OK after talking to them but I strongly suggest you continue to do so. The more you stop doing things the worse the anxiety takes over
This. What's the worst that could happen? They think you are an idiot? That's unlikely and even if it was, who cares. I used to make myself talk to people even if afterwards I felt like an idiot. The more you shrink away the worse it will get. I wanted my kids to see me look confident and friendly even if i felt like running away
lifeinlimbo2020 · 19/11/2020 17:43

I never ever got involved in any playground stuff. Stood on the side lines, said hello and as soon as they were old enough waited in the car up the road for them to come to me!! No social anxiety with me just really can't be arsed with the bitchiness, one up man ship and gossip type environment. Got enough friends.

Lucy830 · 19/11/2020 17:44

This is me too.

Except I could do the drop off fine, it was the pick up.

I’m very ashamed to say that for most of my daughters primary school life she was picked up by a child minder, then picked up half an hour later from there by me. I only needed 3 days a week due to work.

thepeopleversuswork · 19/11/2020 17:48

MrsMiaWallis

I agree with you. It's the "fake it until you make it thing". Big smile and best foot forward won't fix your feelings of low self esteem overnight but it will allow you present yourself in the best way and that carries you further than you think.

Also I don't want to minimise the social anxiety thing as it is very real for some people, but have you thought about what it does to your kids that you cower in fear at the prospect of mixing with other mums?

If you set up the idea that the "school gate" is a hostile environment with nasty women preying on you and your child with their sharp elbows and superior manner, they are going to grow up with a terror of social interaction.

Its totally fair to find it daunting sometimes and to quietly bitch with your friends if someone has snubbed you. But if you allow your kids to think that the world is full of hostile people trying to bring you down its not great for their self-esteem.

I think we owe it to them to project as much confidence as we can.

Leannethom85 · 19/11/2020 18:53

My oldest went to a village school, due to the size of the school had no choice but to stand with the other mothers, I found them bitchy and gossipy, always gossiping about others from the village. I was glad we moved to a town and my kid went to a bigger school, I found I didn't need to stand with the other mums.. Was happier waiting by myself for my kid getting out. I'm not a gossip and I don't bitch about others behind their backs, it made me feel uncomfortable them talking about people behind their backs when I didn't know the people, they were all alot older than me as well and I just felt sad for them that they acted less mature than the kids we were waiting to pick up

Friendsoftheearth · 19/11/2020 19:09

upside I have some amazing friends from the children's schools, some are for life now - they were not intended to be, it just worked out that way. Luck mainly I suspect. School is not a social club for parents, or at least it shouldn't be, and it can cause no end of problems for those parents without friends or life outside the school gates, and they live for the school run and school groups. That is just asking for trouble!

I have never personally had a problem of any kind at the school gates, I have always been mindful of what I say around certain people - because they are constantly on loudspeaker. However, I have watched some horrendous experiences play out, really unbelievable and so hurtful to the families involved. Over the decades it has been non stop soap opera of drama. Some people like that kind of thing, but most decent people don't. The parents creating the drama were terrible examples to their children mainly, I felt sorry for the kids caught up in the cross hairs.

I think you will come to regret your naive posts in years to come. The very fact you are so certain you are going to be just fine, and have perfect self esteem signals to me that you are likely to find it very difficult rather rapidly, because being too full of yourself is never a good quality, you may find that assumption is dismantled pretty quickly.

Schools can be ruthless places, if you forgotten that with the haziness of time, and the rosy atmosphere of nursery you are probably in for a shock. You can come back in fifteen years time when you have been through the wringer a few (100) times, and you can tell us then how easy it is then Wink

Helocariad · 19/11/2020 19:15

I'm finding it so sad reading some of the posts. Maybe I'm utterly unobservant but I don't see much bitchiness and gossiping at the school gates at all. Just parents and grandparents waiting, some having a chat, some on their own. I don't really notice any weird vibes or politics going on- is that really 'a thing'? I mean, aren't most people far too busy juggling life, work, kids, the pandemic to spend their time bitching about other school parents?

Helocariad · 19/11/2020 19:16

Just for context, not a village school but small primary in small-ish town. Not affluent.

Friendsoftheearth · 19/11/2020 19:31

Why are you so sad if your school is okay? it is nothing for you to be sad about. I would have said the same thing with my first child for the first seven years. It was beyond lovely and all very relaxed. Second child's year - not so much.

upsidedownwavylegs · 19/11/2020 19:45

@Friendsoftheearth

upside I have some amazing friends from the children's schools, some are for life now - they were not intended to be, it just worked out that way. Luck mainly I suspect. School is not a social club for parents, or at least it shouldn't be, and it can cause no end of problems for those parents without friends or life outside the school gates, and they live for the school run and school groups. That is just asking for trouble!

I have never personally had a problem of any kind at the school gates, I have always been mindful of what I say around certain people - because they are constantly on loudspeaker. However, I have watched some horrendous experiences play out, really unbelievable and so hurtful to the families involved. Over the decades it has been non stop soap opera of drama. Some people like that kind of thing, but most decent people don't. The parents creating the drama were terrible examples to their children mainly, I felt sorry for the kids caught up in the cross hairs.

I think you will come to regret your naive posts in years to come. The very fact you are so certain you are going to be just fine, and have perfect self esteem signals to me that you are likely to find it very difficult rather rapidly, because being too full of yourself is never a good quality, you may find that assumption is dismantled pretty quickly.

Schools can be ruthless places, if you forgotten that with the haziness of time, and the rosy atmosphere of nursery you are probably in for a shock. You can come back in fifteen years time when you have been through the wringer a few (100) times, and you can tell us then how easy it is then Wink

You sound like an absolute fruitcake.
Friendsoftheearth · 19/11/2020 19:47

Thanks I am! But a realistic one, the same can not be said for you.

upsidedownwavylegs · 19/11/2020 19:49

@Friendsoftheearth

Thanks I am! But a realistic one, the same can not be said for you.
Says who? You? Hmm I seem to have really touched a nerve pointing out your snide comment.
Friendsoftheearth · 19/11/2020 19:51

Honestly upside I would love to keep chatting to you about fruitcakes, but I must crack on. You do you.
I think you are going to really struggle if your posts are anything to go by, but maybe this thread will give you the opportunity to work on your modesty before you hit the school years, and rub all the other parents up the wrong way. Good luck! Wink

gandalf456 · 19/11/2020 19:52

Playground politics can be unpleasant at times but describing it as being put through the wringer is a tad strong

Letsgetgoing888 · 19/11/2020 20:02

I do think sometimes the behaviour of the parents is worse than the kids, especially with friendship issues etc...

And I do agree that after 12 years of school runs, despite not having any personal dramas or problems with other parents, I have definitely seen and heard things between some parents that would raise a few eyebrows!

You tend to think everyone is easy going and mature once they become parents but it can be quite eye opening at times... pushy parents, parents getting involved in kids friendship issues, parents complaining to school that little Jonny didn’t get the main part in the play, parents having fisticuffs in the playground etc etc...

gandalf456 · 19/11/2020 20:09

Totally agree

upsidedownwavylegs · 19/11/2020 20:11

@Friendsoftheearth

Honestly upside I would love to keep chatting to you about fruitcakes, but I must crack on. You do you. I think you are going to really struggle if your posts are anything to go by, but maybe this thread will give you the opportunity to work on your modesty before you hit the school years, and rub all the other parents up the wrong way. Good luck! Wink
This makes it sound like your kids going to school was the first time you had to interact with other parents. That explains a lot.

FYI you could avoid having such a strong reaction to someone picking you up on a snide comment by not making any Smile might help you to find social interactions a bit less wringer-like!

formerbabe · 19/11/2020 20:11

parents having fisticuffs in the playground etc etc...

Can't believe I forgot till I read this...the police were called to a mums get together I was at after one mum kicked off. That was fun

Leannethom85 · 19/11/2020 20:46

No you do get bitchiness at the school gates, one time I was about 23 at the time this lady who was in her 40s was chatting to another woman, when the other woman walked away she turned to us and went ewww did you see the state of her teeth.. I just stood there thinking why not say that to her face when you were chatting to her? She was nasty and encouraged other mothers to be nasty so yes it does go on in school gates, I was glad we moved and my kid went to another school.. Maybe you are lucky not to have encountered mothers who behave that way

LaceyBetty · 19/11/2020 20:52

But you get "bitchiness" everywhere. Not just at the school gates.

gandalf456 · 19/11/2020 20:59

You do but there is something about a predominantly female environment

upsidedownwavylegs · 19/11/2020 21:08

@Leannethom85

No you do get bitchiness at the school gates, one time I was about 23 at the time this lady who was in her 40s was chatting to another woman, when the other woman walked away she turned to us and went ewww did you see the state of her teeth.. I just stood there thinking why not say that to her face when you were chatting to her? She was nasty and encouraged other mothers to be nasty so yes it does go on in school gates, I was glad we moved and my kid went to another school.. Maybe you are lucky not to have encountered mothers who behave that way
I don’t for a second think unpleasantness doesn’t go on, I just don’t think that the school gates or being a mum are what’s driving it. That woman is probably a horror in her workplace and at the bus stop and on a hen do and at Tesco and was probably one before she had kids, but as OP said she doesn’t feel any sense of anxiety about meeting those people anywhere else. It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
EmeraldShamrock · 19/11/2020 21:25

I find you suss out who is who fairly quick when DD started she's finishing primary this year a group congregated the same group are still together but the normal ones drifted outside the circle over the years.
I gelled with DD's best friends mum no coffee's or drinks but some long chats she is lovely.
OP seriously don't stress about it look & secretly laugh at the dynamics in those big groups you'll meet someone nice like-minded people group together. Wine

Helocariad · 19/11/2020 21:39

@Friendsoftheearth

Why are you so sad if your school is okay? it is nothing for you to be sad about. I would have said the same thing with my first child for the first seven years. It was beyond lovely and all very relaxed. Second child's year - not so much.
I am sad for those who find the school gate such a hostile and depressing place. Flowers to all who struggle. I guess I've been lucky then.

OP please, if you can, don't overthink this. It's ok not to want to talk to other parents at the school gate. Maybe this will change in future and you'll meet some lovely people but if not, there are other places to get your social interaction Flowers