To feel drained and slightly depressed by other mums

[Anonymous311264]

Please help me understand why I’m feeling like this and please be kind. I am aware I might be slightly depressed at the moment but I just need to get some insight:

I feel drained everytime I drop and pick up eldest child from school. The reason is the other mums. I’ve noticed days I don’t see or talk to other mums I have a lovely day but days like yesterday I feel upset and depressed. It’s not necessarily that they say anything unkind. It’s more to do with how I feel after talking to them. I’ve tried leaving at various different times but I always bump into someone as it’s a very small community school. I work part time so I get to drop my eldest off earlier, I cannot do that on days off as no availability. I don’t want to waste my days off feeling like this. I should be bonding with my baby not being upset about the other mums!

Why do I feel like this? I blame my depression BUT I feel fine on days I don’t see them. Also couple of times on my day off I’ve been late so avoided speaking to anyone and that day was great.I just feel there’s a correlation between speaking to them and having an awful day and opposite of that not seeing anyone and having a lovely day where I’m not overthinking.

I don’t want to look back on my life and think I wasted my life being upset and depressed.

I'm battling to understand whether these mums are doing anything to provoke this reaction in you OP, or whether your reaction is predominantly coming from you. I'm sure there are schools where there is cliquey behaviour or even just a cluster of parents who have known each other a long time due to shared nursery attendance / living in the same village for a decade / whatever, and this can come across as excluding if you're not one of them.

But if they're saying hello, you're saying hello and then everyone fucks off home, I'd battle to see the issue.

I understand exactly what you’re talking about, I used to feel the same way during my DDs primary days. I’m pretty sure it is social anxiety, but it’s a funny beast and it doesn’t mean you feel anxious in all social settings. I’m currently a (very) mature student and I have absolutely no anxiety around my class mates.

I think my problem with the other mothers was because we were all in the same position, and I was subconsciously afraid of being judged by them and found wanting. I live in a very MC area and I often felt not quite good enough, house not big enough, not educated enough, not fashionable enough, not into running or the gym, my DC not in an after school activity every night and so on. This was very different to my work or my current college where the only thing I felt or feel judged by is my own performance which I can control.

I would also recommend watching 'Motherland'. I also dread the school run and the class Whatsapp group is truly awful and really competitive- very competitive parenting. As a particular group of people, some parents can come across as very intense and highly alpha which can be really intimidating. However, individually, there are some lovely people- you just need to find those individuals who you click with (who are probably feeling just like you!). I have quite a large age gap between my children and it wasn't like this with my oldest's class. Sometimes it is the group dynamics of a particular group.
One of the benefits of the pandemic has been having to wear masks at drop off and just not being allowed to linger!

If these people are triggering uncomfortable feelings - the problem is within you not with them.

You could either just avoid them to avoid the feelings, or you could look into how they make you feel, why, and overcome it.

However, individually, there are some lovely people- you just need to find those individuals who you click with (who are probably feeling just like you!). I have quite a large age gap between my children and it wasn't like this with my oldest's class. Sometimes it is the group dynamics of a particular group.

I second all of this.

Op, I don't think it is anxiety either, as I had the same thing, and some of them were my actual friends! So not even strangers at the school gate.

In my case I felt a sense of pressure, judgement and when I had a baby in the mix it was just too much. Some of the conversations were too intense, too much and too intrusive. I would have paid anything not to do every do the school run ever again. I used to dread it. Absolutely dread it - and continued all the way through to the dc left.

These people are not your friends, many are just trying to glean gossip, and most don't have your best interests at heart, or your child's for that matter. It can be a deeply unpleasant experience depending on the culture of the school.

Stop making conversation or being polite. Say you are in a rush, better still wave from a distance and keep walking. Try to arrange for your dc to be picked up by someone else a few times a week to give you a breaK from it? I used to live for the holidays!

It might be them or it might be your reaction to them, either way stepping back and not getting involved should help.

@Anonymous311264

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. Honestly I don’t think it’s social anxiety as I feel fine talking to people outside of this situation. Most of my friends were also made in baby and toddler groups as another poster said. I’m really trying to put my finger on why I feel this way. It might be partly that I find some of them very nosey and gossipy. Even if I move away and just try to minimise conversation I feel their stares!

OP, it is perfectly possible to have social anxiety only relating to certain situations (and it's OK!)

It is very unlikely that all of the mums are nosey and gossipy but you are noticing the ones who are and it's making you feel negative and anxious.

This is about your reaction more than the other mums. There's some work you can do in yourself if you want to get past it and find ways to connect with people. Or you can avoid it.

I would suggest if you want to do the work you talk to a counsellor or psychotherapist who could help you work out where the reaction is coming from and ways to work through it.

@upsidedownwavylegs
Absolutely. It's so depressing. Like a "school mum" is some kind of standalone species. I feel for the OP and hope things get better, but "school mums" are just humans doing their thing like everyone else.

I feel the same but am confused as to why as the mums and dads at DD's pre school have mostly been lovely. I think for me it's a combination of - not being keen on small talk but big talk not really feeling appropriate, slight anxiety about not being fashionable enough (my area is vvv trendy and the nursery parents all seem to be in arts, film, fashion etc) and my projected anxiety about DD fitting in and being happy. My peak worry about her is drop off and pick up and I think it affects my mood.

HATED the bitching, gossipping and competitive parenting that seems to go on

penguineretor

Why do think that?
Are all parents like that - or just the ones that drop their children off at school?
Are these people OK at other times and simply being in the vicinity of the school illicits some tiger mom response that turns them into nasty people?

I am really trying to understand.

I can't believe that all mothers who drop their kids off at school are these nasty gossiping harridens that you describe.

I second the social anxiety. I found citalopram really settled my general uneasiness. You feel pressures to fit in because in one sense their your 'peers'. Dont push yourself to be someone you're not. I can be quite unsociable. I'm someone that only really gets chatty and comfortable once I know someone for an extended period of time. I prefer less and deeper friendships as opposed to more shallow based looser friendships. Don't be who you don't want to be. I even joke I'm 'unsociable' to people sometimes. I hate chit chat. People also are incredibly cruel in groups and can often pick up vibes that you're nervous and trying to fit in. Stop doing it. Arrive lateish or earlyish drop of your child and go. Be polite. Wave say a good morning of two and leave it at that if you want. Many other mums feel like you at the school gates believe you me. You're just homing in on the 'Donna's' with her 'school gate ready' make up air kissing 'fiona' and loudly discussing 'coffee and cake' to her clique audience and squealing about 'play dates and the park' because 'lottie Sofia is missing betsy sooooooo much' they just drown everyone else out because they're the loudest. I'm 'Katie' at the back chatting to my only other mum friend quietly and fixating my eyes on the door ready to make a quick dash with my child (that's if I can get past 'fiona' waning her new tartan scarf about and doing her 'oh my godddds' whilst flapping her arms around oblivious to the other fed up mums around her!

I know what you mean...I'm an introvert but generally I'm reasonably confident, can hold a conversation and am quite witty. When it come to the school gates though, I could happily let the ground swallow me whole.

OP you have my sympathy. Very different people are thrown together at the school gates on the basis of having a child in the same premises, but we have varied lives, values, needs, etc. Congrats on the baby and give yourself the right to be off mood.

@Stonecrop didn't know Motherland. Just watched a bit. It is superb!

Surely there is a full range of women who are mums. Theres no way all women turn into gossipy, bitchy children when they drop their dc off.
Are they cliquey or are the just friends? They obviously cant be that cliquey if they are making an effort to talk to you. Its sad that Dc are missing out on playdates because their parents hate other women so much.

Also ye olde 'the popular girls picked their friends first' well obviously, any child is going to pick their friend in that situation? Thats not a bitchy thing to do. If youve got more friends your going ro be picked more because shock horror children want to work with their friends.

It screams social anxiety to me. If youve got no reason to dislike them then surely the reason you feel drained is because you are stressed/anxious in the conversation? Either these people are mean/nasty/racist so the conversation is genuinly day ruining, or its something in your head so social anxiety.

@Divebar

I have no idea what you’re talking about actually. Pre Covid I would see bunches of friends talking not cliques. I only know about 3 mums enough to stand around talking with them and it’s in no way a clique but everyone else if perfectly friendly. If you use that terminology you’re immediately setting it up as something hostile when in all likelihood it’s not. Why would anyone be staring at you? If I’ve ever glanced at anyone for more than a second it’s usually to admire an item of clothing. I think you’ve built this up to be something that it’s not and now it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. You’re also contributing to this idea that “ mums” aka women are all a bunch of bitches where they’re not ( some undoubtably are ). I think you need to find a way to put things into perspective because at the moment you’re setting yourself to be anxious.

This. OP, there may be some nosy gossips on the school run, but a bunch of parents united only by having children at the same school are highly unlikely to be uniformly nasty. It’s not helping you to think of these parents as one homogenous mass, so maybe try to differentiate the perfectly nice ones from the less pleasant individuals, to see them as individuals in general, and to avoid the ones you have genuine reason to dislike.

I always find it interesting when people are described as "nosey". I'm a very open person and also find that I'm drawn to people who ask a lot of questions of me - it makes me feel like they care about me and want to get to know me more. It wouldn't strike me that they are being nosey and trying to get fodder for gossip. I'm sure maybe some are, but that's not my starting point. Now I worry that parents at the school gate think I'm nosey and gossiping when I honestly I am trying to make conversation and get to know someone.

I agree with the poster who suggests this is misogynistic twaddle.

Every group of parents will have an average share of people who are open and friendly, those who are nasty and seek power, those who struggle, some shy, some in a hurry, some overly keen, some boastful, some who can't be arsed. Some may have just got up, some may not want to talk, some are desperate to chat. Some are dreading work, some looking forward to it. Some may have just done a 5 mile run, some preoccupied with work, some may be going back to bed with their lover.
School mums are not a species.

Social anxiety.

At baby groups, college etc you can choose your friends and leave if you're not comfortable. At the Supermarket there is no pressure to interact. The school gate is an odd situation where you will be seeing the same people daily for years, but you may have nothing in common with them, and the pattern of interaction is poorly defined (smile/ignore/chat/awkward silence) - much more difficult to navigate.

The negative feelings are coming from your own perception that you have not managed the interaction successfully, rather than from the other parent. Also, avoiding the other parents reinforces your underlying perception that there is something dangerous that you should avoid, thereby making it more difficult to engage with them next time.

Basically, recognising that all you are fearing is social awkwardness and possibly social rejection might make it easier. Atm you are feeling the fear and allowing it to fester.

I used to have anxiety in a very specific situation. I used to feel faint, racing heart etc but only in one very specific situation. With hindsight it was really nothing to do with that particular situation but more a symptom of other stresses in my life at the time. In a similar way I developed IBS a bit later and saw it as solely a physical problem initially but again I think it was a symptom of feeling generally stressed and anxious. I am rubbish at expressing my feelings and think bottling up stress and anxiety led to some of these physical symptoms. They weren't 'all in the mind' in the sense that I was imagining them but what was going on in my head was causing, or at least contributing to the real physical effects. So anyway, just a thought to consider what else might be happening in your life and whether the school run is really the main issue.

I wonder if you're transferring anxieties about dc friendships to the group dynamics of the parents. I used to do this, and think that if I clicked more with the 'in crowd' my son would have an easier time. Things got much better when we both stopped trying to fit in with the popular clique. He has a few lovely friends and I either chat to their parents or a couple of others I get on with. But I've learned to separate his and my friendships and realise one doesn't have to depend on the other.

I feel the same OP. My little boy isn't school age yet but I feel like that at playgroup and in parks etc. I think it comes from being a bit of a socially awkward outsider at school. That feeling of not being one of the group, or even worse, trying to join in with a group that has already formed. Seeing groups of mums brings back all those feelings.

It's also compounded by the fact my little boy will be picking up on how I respond to social situations so I want him to see me being confident and breezy so that he is confident too, which puts even more pressure on me. And the anxiety of not wanting him to be an outsider too.

I think avoiding talking to them all together isn't the best way to respond, because then your brain continues feeding back to you that they're something to avoid. Maybe just a smile and cheery hello, but avoid getting drawn into conversation?

Basically, recognising that all you are fearing is social awkwardness and possibly social rejection might make it easier. Atm you are feeling the fear and allowing it to fester

I definitely was not worried about rejection or awkwardness, and yet I distinctly remember really not wanting to engage with these people day in and day out, twice a day, every bloody day. Same people, usually same kind of banal conversation. It was exhausting.

Nothing to do with things festering I just could not work up the energy to make the effort needed every single day, I found it draining and started to dread it. So it is easier to be breezy and keep walking sometimes, so much easier to nip in and out.
Lacey you sound friendly, I used to find the over friendly ones the worst, no offence, but I just wanted to grab my dc and go, and not get bogged down with questions or conversation especially. Be mindful of other people's body language. We used to have a parent that used to lie in wait for her next victim, and then you were snared into an extended conversation and then have to field invites. I used to avoid her.

@Friendsoftheearth
Noted! 😉