About dh doing so many hours and the affect its having at home.

[ImNotCutOutForThis]

I don't know if I'm. BU or not.
DH recently has worked a silly amount of hours. He's Self Employed but also works for an employer.
His employer hours 8 till 6. He's then saying on doing his SE work until 10pm, 11pm, 12 am.
A Saturday when finishes at 12. Will stay and do SE work till 6, 7, 8pm

Now the money obviously helps. He's cleared 99% of debts and it's made things much easier for Xmas.

However, it's getting to the point he just can't say no to people and takes on so much because all he sees is £££ signs.

We have a teen, toddler and a baby at home. I'm a sahm. But I am so so exhausted from it.
He gets in eats and showers then bed. Once he's asleep he hears nothing. So I do the waking to the baby and a toddler who seems to keep waking lately too.
Also with the lockdown the kids routine is different and the toddler isn't behaving particularly well.

Obviously where hes is out the house sometimes 7. 30am till. Midnight EVERYTHING falls on me to do.

Hes just said about staying in tomorrow after doing till 10.45 last night and 9pm today. That he'll be staying in tomorrow.
I'd planned a nice meal. The kids havent seen him for days, or just an odd 5 min if we pop to see him at work and sit in car on way to shopping or pre school.

Its been over 2 months since he bathed the baby.

I don't know if its me. But to me money isn't the be all and end all. We live week to week but it's not a massively tight budget as it was when we had huge debts.
I'm also worried for his health.
I'm worried ill resent him for leaving me to run everything here.
I'm worried that his relationship with the kids will dwindle a bit.

I just don't know. I know he's doing it for good reasons.ut he doesn't need to.

Am I out of order

Should have said staying on tomorrow not in.

Your dp is clearing debt in the middle of a pandemic recession. You have three children but no savings. Maybe your dp is trying to create a little bit of a safety net.

You are a sahm yet complain that you have to look after the children. Surely if your dp didn't bring the money in, he'd be at home while you worked?

You say you still live week to week. Perhaps he is feeling the need to build up some savings?

If you are living week to week even with him doing so many hours then I think your being very unfair.

Your DP clearly has got a very strong work ethic, he's done very well to clear debts and provide for Christmas. Living week to week isn't much fun (particularly in the current economic climate), he sounds very responsible.

On the one hand I understand how you feel. My husband often works long hours and after a period of time I put my foot down as there has to be a balance. On the other hand I think that you're much more aware of these things when you're at home all day. Would you not consider a part time job to get you out of the house a bit. I find it much harder to deal with my husbands hours now I'm working from home and he's my only adult company. When I'm at work it's less of an issue as I get chance to socialise with others so am less reliant on his company. Given the added complication that you are short of money then it seems harsh to criticise him.

He works you do childcare. Thats your job. No?

I am
In the same boat and we argue about it a lot. Wether it's worth having the extra money at the cost of family life and relationships with kids. There is a balance and he could commit to one or two nights a week at home

No, it's no way to live. It's a miserable existence and of course needs more balance. YANBU.

Maybe he could work less and do more at home and you could get a job and do less at home - make it fairer

Your husband is working up to 16 hours a day, he's cleared huge debts and you're still only living financially week to week.

Have you thought about getting a job yourself? You know, to take some of the financial pressure off him... maybe you could go out to work of an evening and he can bath the baby.

You obviously need that amount of money. So in your shoes I'd start looking around for a job to make up the shortfall either from his job or his SE gig. Then he can have more time at home.

If I was you I would get a job
Then family income would increase and the risk to your husband's health would decrease

Can you come up with a savings goals together, after which he can wind things down a little?

You say he’s got a problem saying no to people. You also say he sees £££ signs - which is it?

Is there an end in sight for the extra SE hours, once the debt is paid back and you’ve got a cushion of a specific amount?

You’re right to be worried about his health and his relationships with the children but living in a financially precarious way is incredibly stressful and 3 kids aren’t cheap especially with one income. It sounds like he’s trying his best to support all 5 of you.

How old is the baby? Can you look at finding a way to bring in some money and take the pressure off him? Have you had a good look at all of your outgoings to see if there are any savings you can make?

You doing the night wakings is absolutely normal, he’s working insane hours.

I’d say it’s temporary and he’s got a wife and three children to support, so let him get on with it. Otherwise you could consider working part-time.

Yes you are being unreasonable. You chose to have a lifestyle involving three kids you cannot afford and you chose to stay at home and look after them. So I think you need to suck it up unless you can contribute to the financial burden

I'm sorry, but you aren't exactly in the soundest position to say he "works too much" when you don't work, every hour he's doing is contributing directly to your finances, and you're still living week to week.

You’re talking about him seeing £££, but then say he’s clearing debt and you live week to week. As so many have mentioned, if you’re living week to week and still have debt to pay with three children, then he obviously feels he does need to work these hours. How much debt do you still have? How much savings do you have (since I imagine he’s very worried about that, and has seen how many people have lost their jobs during the pandemic and maybe fears SE income could dry up)?

If you're living week to week, wouldn't it be better if you got a job to help out?

I think it’s really hard in short term for everyone but it gives a more secure footing looking forwards and will improve the quality of life for you all in time.

You’re not working in paid employment so you can make life easier and nap when little ones nap - force the nap if necessary by all going to bed. The teenager is assumedly at school most days.

Our children respected and valued him for giving them a comfortable and secure life. They don’t pine for missed ‘quality time’. I’m sure they’d be times they’d have wanted their father to watch a concert or whatever too but plenty of children only have one parent watching the plays etc.
The debt can quickly mount if not buffeted for car breakdowns, new shoes, a new stove or boiler. Debt is more stressful than work, I imagine.
My husband has always worked very long hours and he’s not unwell. Poverty is more likely to cause ill health than hard work is.
Will you resent him? That’s up to you. Maybe recognise that all being well his work could mean holidays, weekends away, a decent car or whatever when you’ve secured your income.

I think it would be very hard for the op to get a job, she’d have to find childcare as her Dh is hardly going to do any, so probably won’t earn much or anything over childcare costs, and looking after a baby who wakes at night and other children is exhausting.
I’d talk to him op, say you’re so proud of him but you are worried about his relationship with the kids and you never see him, and had better check you are on the same page, that this extra working is temporary for funds and when is he thinking he can go back to spending more time at home not working.

Sounds like you miss him, and adult company, and time for yourself. Fair enough. In which case the only solution is that you also get a job, and use childcare. Even if wages barely cover the cost to begin with, it might help you feel better and take the pressure off him a bit.

It sounds like he needs to work because you're still living week to week? What is the alternative?

If you're worried about his health, can you get a job?

Can you get a job so he can work less and spend more time with children? Seems like there is an imbalance. I think it’s a lot of pressure on your DH.