About dh doing so many hours and the affect its having at home.

[ImNotCutOutForThis]

I don't know if I'm. BU or not.
DH recently has worked a silly amount of hours. He's Self Employed but also works for an employer.
His employer hours 8 till 6. He's then saying on doing his SE work until 10pm, 11pm, 12 am.
A Saturday when finishes at 12. Will stay and do SE work till 6, 7, 8pm

Now the money obviously helps. He's cleared 99% of debts and it's made things much easier for Xmas.

However, it's getting to the point he just can't say no to people and takes on so much because all he sees is £££ signs.

We have a teen, toddler and a baby at home. I'm a sahm. But I am so so exhausted from it.
He gets in eats and showers then bed. Once he's asleep he hears nothing. So I do the waking to the baby and a toddler who seems to keep waking lately too.
Also with the lockdown the kids routine is different and the toddler isn't behaving particularly well.

Obviously where hes is out the house sometimes 7. 30am till. Midnight EVERYTHING falls on me to do.

Hes just said about staying in tomorrow after doing till 10.45 last night and 9pm today. That he'll be staying in tomorrow.
I'd planned a nice meal. The kids havent seen him for days, or just an odd 5 min if we pop to see him at work and sit in car on way to shopping or pre school.

Its been over 2 months since he bathed the baby.

I don't know if its me. But to me money isn't the be all and end all. We live week to week but it's not a massively tight budget as it was when we had huge debts.
I'm also worried for his health.
I'm worried ill resent him for leaving me to run everything here.
I'm worried that his relationship with the kids will dwindle a bit.

I just don't know. I know he's doing it for good reasons.ut he doesn't need to.

Am I out of order

OP I think YABU. I get it’s a drudge but to be honest, DH and I both worked full time when DC were young way before covid. We barely spoke in the evenings until all DC were about 7 plus as we were both flat out. We “kept the magic alive” on rare holidays (I suspect a lot of wanking also went on) and just kept the head down til it got better - which it does.

You’ve said yourself you are living week to week - and these are incredibly difficult times. I’d encourage him to get in as much money as he can while you shoulder the house hold work but be a team and you will come through this together,

Am often surprised on here how much the comments and the polls don't reflect one another. As I type, the polls at 49%:51% yet nearly all the comments suggest YABU

I think there is a balance. It is brilliant, if you had debts that he has committed to getting them paid off but I also think he is a father and part of the family and the dc need to see him and spend time with him, and he them.
He also needs to realise that you can only work those hours for so long, before it starts to impact on your health. Yes, 5 years when you are young, but it is no way to live your life permanently.

You need to work out a compromise - 2 evenings a week where he is responsible for the dc, or One weekend a month where he does no work. Or no work ever on a Sunday, or whatever works best. I think, if you live week to week, it is great if he is happy to continue with the SE stuff so you can get some security as a family to build up a cushion of savings.
You need to come to a compromise

I get it. At one point my DH was working 120hrs/week. We needed the money though. It’s hard but it’s usually not a permanent situation - just a needs must until you have debts cleared and savings built up. Sounds like he’s for a great work ethic.

There's a lot of pressure with being the sole provider to a family of five. He's responsible for everything financial and he's working all hours to provide.

Money is important, it puts a roof over your head, feeds and clothes you all, pays the utilities, transport etc, it sounds like he's not earning enough to work less hours at the moment. He's putting his all in to get to a more financially comfortable position.

Support him in that but talk about what you can both do to spend more time together and if it's possible for him to work a few less hours.

Well I don't think you're unreasonable to want a break.

I don't think you're unreasonable for you and your children to want to see more of him.

I don't think he's unreasonable for wanting to pay off debts either, but as long as you can still pay for food and a roof over your head I'd prioritise family.

Is there a way you could save a bit of money at all, reduce outgoings, cut down on bills or sell some things, to help give yourselves a bit of a buffer?

Is there a family member you could ask for some childcare? Or could the teen watch the kids for a bit even?

We live week to week but it's not a massively tight budget as it was when we had huge debts.

If you live week to week, it doesn't sound like you can afford for him to take the foot off the pedal.

Although how it is you are still living week to week after he's cleared the debts - do you have a huge mortgage/rent?

Sounds like it's time for you to get a job.......he's singlehandedly supporting 5 people. Something has to give.

God I’m a single parent and the kids have no contact with their dad, so EVERYTHING falls on me and I work very, very long hours in a stressful job.

It would honestly be my dream to be a SAHM and have a partner/husband provide for me.

You’re very, very lucky.

Just read my comment back and would like to apologise for the overuse of the word ‘very’ 😂 it’s definitely past my bedtime....

It sounds like he's making hay while the sun shines and I can't blame him. If he's cleared debts then his income is exceeding your outgoings now and so you should be able to start building up more of a cushion and not living week to week.

Have you spoken to him about his plans? Does he see this as being the way things will always be, or is he going for promotion, business growth etc to hopefully reach a point where he can work fewer hours for more or the same pay?

How was the massive debt accrued? He probably wants to avoid that situation happening again.

Relationships are about relating to each other, spending time with each other to grow the relationship. Family life together. Unfortunately we are at a point where there is an obsession with having money, earning ever more.

Women who say you are 'lucky' /shouldn't complain are equally as money obsessed. They don't give a damn about being ships in the night, not seeing or being with their man, as long as he throws all-important money at them. At least you don't see your husband solely as your cash-cow to work for you, as they do.

A man working this hard will be seen as a hero, and you as lazy in comparison since as soon as some see 'SAHM' their brains can't compute, as for them you have no worth unless you are out there making money so you shouldn't have a voice. Raising children simply isn't seen as worthy or being valuable, in comparison to that. All must be sacrificed on the altar of money.

All you can hope for is that he will ease up soon. It's good that he's a worker, excellent that he's cleared debts and certainly isn't a lazy man - but it doesn't sound at this point there's a load of debt left to clear?

What's the merit in being a workaholic with a wife lonely in the relationship and DCs he can't spend time with? It's rubbish for the health and wellbeing too.

Money is great to have but equally, time is precious and we can't get it back.

I hope it can resolve between you though as it sounds like this is the only issue.

Great that he/you have managed to pay of your debts, but if you're still 'living from week to week', maybe it would be better to keep to a tight budget for a while longer to get yourselves in to a place where you have more of a buffer & your partner feels less need to work sixteen hour days - and/or get a job yourself.
I regularly worked really long hours in my 20s-30s - gets to be more of a drain as you get older.

yabu, get a job , you have children to financially support too

You are a family of 5 living week to week. There’s no information beyond that that’s relevant really.

How did you get into so much debt in the first place? Where is this money going, and could you contribute? Sounds like the only way you can afford for him not to work all hours is for you to do a bit too

I think the thing that jumps out at me is the debt which is nearly paid off, but clearly this built up somehow, so a fear of it happening again and you are a sahm which means this is a luxury you can't afford.
If you worked part time this would relieve some of the load on you husband, not a lot but the feeling he is not the sole bread winner and you get to insist he has to be home sometimes to deal with the children on occasion to keep child care cost down, that way he releases some of the mental and emotional load you carry and you get a break.
If your debt is nearly paid off and you have extra income and feel you are able to afford you being a sahm then I would seriously look at outsourcing some of the work such as cleaning, paying for nursery once or twice a week, more when it becomes free.
As someone who does the same as your DH only I work part time for and employer and part time self employed I have used this money to outsource a lot of the horrible work I hate and I am getting a much better work life balance, I am starting to learn the art of no without driving people away forever, which is the fee when starting out.

I would say good on him for trying to enhance your finances, and he won't be doing this forever I guess. I am sure that you and your children will be fine, you can get organised pretty well if you are a SAHM.

I think it would be good for you to get a part-time job just to get out of the house and to talk to other adults, even if you broke even with childcare.

You're not BU but neither is he. I can absolutely see both sides.

For context, I'm self-employed. I know your DH is employed too but there's a similarity with the mindset. The work I do isn't seasonal but it comes in waves - sometimes I have too much to cope with, and at other times I'm scratching around to find clients.

We also live week to week, and are paying off debts. We're OK, but it's not easy at times. I find it impossible to say no to clients, even when I have too much work to do. I royally screw myself up on a regular basis.

It's strange but it's difficult when you don't have a cut-off time. For me at least, there's always this pressure that I could be doing more, that I should have taken that extra job, worked that extra hour. It's very hard to give yourself permission to just relax with the family, even though that's what you want to do. If you've got a strong work ethic and a need to create some financial security, it's incredibly difficult to switch off.

But it's not healthy. It's not fair on the children. And it's not fair on you.

How does his self-employed work come in? Would it be possible to agree to maybe two nights per week where he always comes home and doesn't do any self-employed work. I just wonder if there were "rules" he might find it easier to switch off on those nights, almost like he can give himself permission because it's something you've agreed together? I don't know if I'm making much sense here haha!

And just in case I'm not being clear, the pressure doesn't come from you - it's a drive within him. It's really bloody hard to ignore, especially when you've been through a period of financial insecurity.

If you are still in debt and live week to week then it's probably not a good idea for him to say no to extra SE work right now, unless you are able to get a job to pick up the slack. I appreciate you might struggle to do that since you have a baby and a toddler who would need childcare. So maybe he feels he has no choice?

Being a sahm for two wee ones was the hardest job I did bar none, jumping in the car to spend the day working alongside adults was a doddle in comparison.
Getting a job that covers childminding fees plus travel time for two wee ones prob isn't easy. And then the teen is home alone a lot and due to DHs work, she will also run the home, cook etc. Sounds a bit much.
Some part time hours might be possible but with having to do all the drop offs etc prob hardly worth it.
You need to be child free a couple of times a week imv, get DH or family to give you a proper break. That would help to save your sanity, and DH needs to agree a couple of times a week at home , weekend or evening. Not sure how you persuade him but what he's doing is unhealthy.

@Mintjulia

Your dp is clearing debt in the middle of a pandemic recession. You have three children but no savings. Maybe your dp is trying to create a little bit of a safety net.

You are a sahm yet complain that you have to look after the children. Surely if your dp didn't bring the money in, he'd be at home while you worked?

Exactly.

Would you consider working weekends and evenings so he doesn't have to?

How many jobs can one just 'get' in the middle of a pandemic and recession, after time out of the work force, that accommodates a spouse who is gone all waking hours AND which is lucrative enough to cover two sets of child minding fees PLUS enough of a profit to boost the household income?

Can't believe the people telling her to just get a job, what planet are you living on?

OP, it sounds like you're unhappy with the division of responsibility in your house. Talk to your partner about it. If you want to work then you need a plan to make that happen.

Would you consider working weekends and evenings so he doesn't have to?
It doesn't sound to me as if either of the couple want that.
But yes, a discussion, a decision, and a time-line are needed here.

There are pros and cons to his approach. It's not sustainable long term and one of the most common answers old men have to the question "What do you regret about your life?" is that they worked too much. But if money has been tight, you have a new addition to the family and you live hand to mouth at the moment, a bit of pain here could set you up for a much more comfortable future.

The key is to talk about it with him and get on the same page. At the moment he is the one doing all the decision making. He chooses to work harder and you're left working harder by default. You're exhausted, he probably is too. He may be a bit oblivious to how hard a toddler and baby are together and you may have been oblivious to the pressure that living in debt can be to someone who's responsible for generating all the income. So talk about why he's doing it and what you both want the future to look like. Be prepared to be realistic and to compromise, but it's not wrong for you to want to have somewhat different priorities from him and he needs to be realistic and compromise too.

May be if there's an end (or slow down) date, or a commitment to keeping a certain number of nights free, or a savings target, or an aim to move to the SE full time, or something else concrete and a feeling of appreciation on both sides then it will not feel so lonely and like it's all within his power.