About dh doing so many hours and the affect its having at home.

[ImNotCutOutForThis]

I don't know if I'm. BU or not.
DH recently has worked a silly amount of hours. He's Self Employed but also works for an employer.
His employer hours 8 till 6. He's then saying on doing his SE work until 10pm, 11pm, 12 am.
A Saturday when finishes at 12. Will stay and do SE work till 6, 7, 8pm

Now the money obviously helps. He's cleared 99% of debts and it's made things much easier for Xmas.

However, it's getting to the point he just can't say no to people and takes on so much because all he sees is £££ signs.

We have a teen, toddler and a baby at home. I'm a sahm. But I am so so exhausted from it.
He gets in eats and showers then bed. Once he's asleep he hears nothing. So I do the waking to the baby and a toddler who seems to keep waking lately too.
Also with the lockdown the kids routine is different and the toddler isn't behaving particularly well.

Obviously where hes is out the house sometimes 7. 30am till. Midnight EVERYTHING falls on me to do.

Hes just said about staying in tomorrow after doing till 10.45 last night and 9pm today. That he'll be staying in tomorrow.
I'd planned a nice meal. The kids havent seen him for days, or just an odd 5 min if we pop to see him at work and sit in car on way to shopping or pre school.

Its been over 2 months since he bathed the baby.

I don't know if its me. But to me money isn't the be all and end all. We live week to week but it's not a massively tight budget as it was when we had huge debts.
I'm also worried for his health.
I'm worried ill resent him for leaving me to run everything here.
I'm worried that his relationship with the kids will dwindle a bit.

I just don't know. I know he's doing it for good reasons.ut he doesn't need to.

Am I out of order

Sc is 50,50 so every other week. So not ft.
. I honestly didn't mean to drip feed was trying to explain why I felt crap, I'm sorry

Right, but do you see it both ways? If your stepchild is there enough for you to feel drained caring for her, then don’t you think that’s enough for her to count as someone else your husband is worried about providing for financially? Does that make sense?

I think you're getting some harsh responses. Yes, your DH is working hard for good reason, but you're obviously working very hard too, and struggling. Not an easy situation.

I had a father like this. He regrets it now, he missed so much, he didn't really know us as children. My brother and I are obviously much closer to our mother who actually brought us up. I also wonder why he bothered having children if he had no interest in spending any time with them at all and I think he was an awful role model.

So I'm biased from my experience as the child in this scenario but if I were you I'd be having a serious discussion about how to achieve more balance, which would probably mean you working more and him working less.

He’s working all hours to clear debt, meet the living costs of himself, three children and a spouse that doesn’t work.

I’d be very resentful of having to work so much whilst my partner didn’t and then complained they had to parent.

i think you definitely need a job tbh! Your teenager can surely get them to school &look after themselves for a few hours afterwards

The smaller one's you get a nursery or childminder?

if you worked a full time job and he worked normal hours too - 9-5.30 - you can both pick up the sack at home / take turns doing drop off's and pick up - take turns with the children when they wake at night etc

but at the moment if you you are living week to week it sounds like he needs to work that much

Your teenager can surely get them to school &look after themselves for a few hours afterwards
Op doesn't say how old her teenager is but even if it was appropriate and possible for the school child to drop their young sibling off at play school, who is going to pick them up at lunch time or look after the other one all day?

@ImNotCutOutForThis

Sc is 50,50 so every other week. So not ft. . I honestly didn't mean to drip feed was trying to explain why I felt crap, I'm sorry

I think you're allowed to feel crap but it's not easy for your DH either. Working sixteen hour days is insane, and he must have a lot of pressure on his shoulders - he's supporting six people on his salary, you still have some debts to pay and you have no savings to fall back on.

You're in a very precarious position. If something happened to your DH tomorrow, how would you pay the bills with no savings and no income?

@SleepingStandingUp

Your teenager can surely get them to school &look after themselves for a few hours afterwards Op doesn't say how old her teenager is but even if it was appropriate and possible for the school child to drop their young sibling off at play school, who is going to pick them up at lunch time or look after the other one all day?

I think the pp means the teenager should go to school and come back on their own, not that they should be taking the younger children to nursery.

yes i mean the teenager should be able to look after themselves - not take responsibility for the smaller children

The smaller ones need a nursery that's open all day 8-6 - that's how others manage?

The couple then tag team drop off and pick up!

Oh yes sorry @ImNotCutOutForThis, total comprehension fail. Op does say though the teen can't be trusted to be home alone. Something to work on OP. Thanks Katherine

@Heyahun

yes i mean the teenager should be able to look after themselves - not take responsibility for the smaller children

The smaller ones need a nursery that's open all day 8-6 - that's how others manage?

The couple then tag team drop off and pick up!

Realistically though a couple in a position whereby someone is needing to work 16 hour days for the family to break even aren’t going to be in a position to pay for two lots of childcare unless the OP hasn’t mentioned she is qualified to walk straight into a highly paid job!

Encouraging more independence for the teen is a great way to grab back more time during the day though.

So you can't work due to childcare demands etc in which case I do think YABU. Your dh is supporting the whole family, in your situation I'd expect to do everything at home too.

Teen is 14.
He can't take the others if his day starts before theirs.
Plus dsd school is 4 miles away?

He cannot be trusted. Last time he was left alone he tried to toast a popadum on the toaster! He most certainly can't be trusted to look after others

The smaller ones need a nursery that's open all day 8-6 - that's how others manage? Others manange with a nursery that's open 8-6 and with salaries that can cover it. DH is barely covering the basics. They're likely therefore to be getting benefits too. Op would need to earn enough to cover the benefits shortfall so that they're where they are now financially, and then full time nursery for two.

On a rough cost here for 48 weeks that's 23k before tax without any extras assuming a 10% discount for the 2nd child bad free 30 hours for the eldest.

Not everyone can walk into a job 25k+ esp ATM. Minimum wage is under 17k before tax.

well yeah if she really can't work / afford childcare then theres no other option for the husband then but to work as much as he is then

The teen needs to get more independent though for sure

i guess once the little ones go to school then you can work?

OP, I’ve read all your posts but not the whole thread.

It seems to me you just want him to scale back a bit on the extra work now that you’re out of debt? But he’s probably (like many SE people) worried about turning down clients in case he needs them in the future.

Can you discuss how much would be reasonable for him to do extra? Seems to me if he guaranteed he’d be home by 7pm at least 2 nights a week, and only worked a Sat afternoon every other weekend, that would be a reasonable compromise? So then he needs to figure out what the maximum work he can agree to to keep that bargain.

Two under three is bloody exhausting, OP. But it won’t be forever.

@ImNotCutOutForThis

It looks like a lot of people haven't read your replies to this thread.

You've sacrificed a lot for your DH haven't you?,Your part time job so he could pursue his current job,your credit rating with all the debt he ran up in your name and all the time you spend looking after the 4 children including your step child.

Your must be physically and mentally exhausted. Unfortunately as hard working as your husband is he's also using "extra hours" at work as a way to avoid any form of parenting to any of his children or even do a few basic things around the house.

My friend worked with a bloke who use to sit in his car watching Netflix in the works car park an hour before and after his shift to avoid helping his wife with the nursery runs and getting the kid ready for nursery/bed.I don't know if she ever wondered where the money from the 40 hours a month in "overtime" he was working was.

We have similar although we don't have debt. It's hard work for both of us. He works out of the home, I work work in the home. No one's work is any more or less important than the other and in times of need we step up and help each other. We have a shared life plan and an exit strategy for work.

Thank you @popsydoodle4444
You've hit the nail on the head. I have sacrificed pretty much everything.

His se side of things isn't a business as such, it's registered with the tax man but more just his normal work on the side.
For the extra he does isn't worth it imo. As now the debts are cleared we'd be 450pm better off anyway
But what I guess annoys me is when he was burying his head in the sand I was doing everything I could to chip away at the debts. I. E at the end of the month whatever was left is chip away. Whether that be £80 or 80p.
The debts were in my name so he could her the things he needed to return to his profession. I know he loves it too which I why I feel awful.
He's working late tonight, so I'll have to cook again when he gets in and wash up etc which could be anytime. It was a pasta dinner that wouldn't be nice imo warmed up. And I know he won't cook for himself so I'd feel awful.

I think some people in here have been unnecessarily rude..
This is my set up more or less (although not to pay off debt, just married a high earning work aholic!)
And the way I look at is it my 'job' to do everything since he works 12hr+ days before 3 hr commute. I can hardly ask him to get up with the baby! But that means you're both 'working' your balls off!
It's hard because you're both knackered at the moment, and you're right to have a good old moan! But you're probably a little unreasonable... but it's ok! You're tired!
I got to the exhausted point many times getting to the weekend and having yet another day alone with the kids! What I would recommend is taking some time to yourself when you can. Sounds impossible but prioritise it in the way you do other things! Put baby down to nap, give toddler tv, teen at school and put on an hour of crap telly or read a book or do whatever is restful for you. And don't feel bad because you can't count on getting any other rest and your mental state is important!
It will soon pass, little ones grow up. What you're doing is so important. Good luck!

How does his older child's Mom feel op given you and she are basically the co parents? Given the abuse SMs can get VS "it's not your child so don't do it" on this site, I'm surprised more hasn't been made of the fact that you have his child a week at a time on your own

Don’t cook for him. If he is hungry he can cook for himself. Don’t make extra work for yourself

Thousands have lost their jobs and you're annoyed he's working?