About dh doing so many hours and the affect its having at home.

[ImNotCutOutForThis]

I don't know if I'm. BU or not.
DH recently has worked a silly amount of hours. He's Self Employed but also works for an employer.
His employer hours 8 till 6. He's then saying on doing his SE work until 10pm, 11pm, 12 am.
A Saturday when finishes at 12. Will stay and do SE work till 6, 7, 8pm

Now the money obviously helps. He's cleared 99% of debts and it's made things much easier for Xmas.

However, it's getting to the point he just can't say no to people and takes on so much because all he sees is £££ signs.

We have a teen, toddler and a baby at home. I'm a sahm. But I am so so exhausted from it.
He gets in eats and showers then bed. Once he's asleep he hears nothing. So I do the waking to the baby and a toddler who seems to keep waking lately too.
Also with the lockdown the kids routine is different and the toddler isn't behaving particularly well.

Obviously where hes is out the house sometimes 7. 30am till. Midnight EVERYTHING falls on me to do.

Hes just said about staying in tomorrow after doing till 10.45 last night and 9pm today. That he'll be staying in tomorrow.
I'd planned a nice meal. The kids havent seen him for days, or just an odd 5 min if we pop to see him at work and sit in car on way to shopping or pre school.

Its been over 2 months since he bathed the baby.

I don't know if its me. But to me money isn't the be all and end all. We live week to week but it's not a massively tight budget as it was when we had huge debts.
I'm also worried for his health.
I'm worried ill resent him for leaving me to run everything here.
I'm worried that his relationship with the kids will dwindle a bit.

I just don't know. I know he's doing it for good reasons.ut he doesn't need to.

Am I out of order

There's always a 'we got caught out' story. You've chosen to have these kids when your finances aren't great. To say you're not fussed about savings is so massively naive. I'm actually staggered. What happens if your DP falls ill and can't work or, worse, dies? Yes, money isn't everything but I can't believe you think just living week to week is an ideal solution.

Them hours are insane and not suitable because you need support too OP. How much is the debt? It’s not fair on the family.

I have sacrificed pretty much everything.

And your dh is sacrificing time with his dw and family to carry the sole burden of financially supporting 3.5 children and 2 adults. I would argue his sacrifice is greater, but until the dc are older and the op can help with the financial burden what else can he do.

If I had a choice between working the hours the dh does or being home with my dc I know what I would choose!

I have sacrificed pretty much everything

I’m not sure what’s been sacrificed bar a part time job that you didn’t want to keep or would have arranged childcare for.

He’s sacrificing his health, family and social time and working all hours as living week to week isn’t good when you have dependants to support.

Small changes might help.

Eg a 14 year old can get themselves to and from school thus removing one stress.

And (sn apart) should be able to cook a family meal once a week

You've got so many issues, it's hard to know where to start.

Why did you let your husband run up debts in your name for his job and have kids with him, while under that debt?

Why haven't you taught your teen literally anything to allow him some independence? He tried to toast a poppadom in a toaster, so essentially he can't read the packet? Come on, he needs some independence, he's a teenager. You shouldn't be needing to baby him so much. He can surely take himself to and from school by now.

You don't seem to have much knowledge on your finances, what's coming in vs what's going out. I do think you need to look into that more and write down everything so it's clear.

You're making things difficult for yourself cooking him a fresh meal when he gets in from work and then complaining about it. He can reheat a pasta dish, loads of people do this. It's called batch cooking. You should probably look into that so you can batch cook for the week ahead and save yourself the hassle during the week.

I cook poppadoms in the toaster. You just have to be careful and watch them otherwise they catch fire.

And pasta reheated in the oven is absolutely fine. Stop creating work

I think you're getting a hard time here. My DP also works very long hours and it drives me a bit loopy. Yes we have a nice lifestyle but honestly, I'd rather have less and him around more. I work part time and do all the childcare. I get no downtime. He would say he doesn't either but he does a lot of faffing and gets personal bits done during the day which I can't do in my job or with the kids around. I also worry about the effect on his physical health and the future. I don't have an answer though sorry! My DP knows it's an unhealthy balance. I'm hoping after the pandemic and not working from home all the time we can get a bit of equilibrium back!

@Bluntness100

I do everything. Literally everything. I'm exhausted

Well no you don’t. Single parents who work do everything. Your husband works and earns the money and you do the home and child care.

Agree

Jeeze, people are being hard on OP.

This man ran up debts in HER name because he'd already trashed his own credit rating. Yes, he's working hard to pay them back (eventually) after she'd already been scrimping and saving to pay what she could towards these debts THAT WERE NONE OF HER MAKING. But he's not the saint that people are making him out to be. And OP getting a part time job won't bring in any money, but will simply add to her stress. It certainly won't bring in an amount that will make him think he can work less.

Also I don't think a single poster has focused on what this is doing to the kids. They don't have a dad. Quite simply he might as well not exist for them. And he doesn't see that.

At the very least, a few hours a week needs to be ring-fenced for family. And he needs to stick to it.

Also I don't think a single poster has focused on what this is doing to the kids. They don't have a dad.

Must have missed my post where I said my dad was just like this. It is horrible barely seeing your dad from one week to the next because he has no time for you. Although it was normal for us so we didn't question it and somewhat hero worshipped him as children, we were so desperate for the scraps of his attention. I suppose this blinded him to the damage he was doing.

As adults we have a perfectly cordial but quite distant relationship and I know he regrets his priorities. When I had my own children I went through a period of being quite angry about it, but I can't be bothered anymore. It was his loss.

All the posts about oh they were HIS debts, were these debts from him pissing about and recklessly spending on random shit for himself? The only post I saw about the debt was it was ran up to allow him to do the job he does now, so if its employment related, whys it not a family debt?

He's choosing to work late tonight (now that the debts are gone).

You and he need to sit down and have a proper conversation about how you want him home more than you want the extra money. Is he prepared to cut back on his hours at all? Maybe he chooses - the evenings or the weekends, but not both.

He has responsibilities to his kids that go beyond financial.

Well no you don’t. Single parents who work do everything. Your husband works and earns the money and you do the home and child care

No they don't. Unless they have a job where they are simultaneously looking after their children and working, they don't do everything. They outsource their childcare during the time that they work. They do one thing at a time, just like everyone else.

I think the main message from posters here op is you need to recognise you both have it hard, and none of it is negotiable unless you live a life on benefits. So yes it’s going to be hard. Having four kids between you was a choice, yes it’s hard for you, but it’s hard for your husband too and you need to try to recognise this.

I think everyone gets it’s hard for you, but no one thinks this means it’s ok to not recognise it’s equally hard for your husband. You must both be shattered, but this ultimately is the outcome of the choices you both made.

No they don't. Unless they have a job where they are simultaneously looking after their children and working, they don't do everything

Breaking news. We are in the middle of a pandemic and plenty are doing it all. But even if they “outsource” in your rather charming words, they still need to do the drop off and return, work a full day, and be responsible for their kids the rest of the time

So yeah, they are doing it all and they have no down time. Putting down single parents as having it easier is never going to be a goer.

My dad was Forces, and wouldn’t see him for weeks/months on end. Must have been tough on my mum at times. She went back to her professional job when I was 10, siblings 11 & 8. That was life, and we had to manage.
I think that yes, it’s tough, but you have the work in the home with your role, and you’re not out of the house working. Can you discuss this, and see if you can find a way for you to do something in your profession, along with a reduction of hours from your partner, so you don’t also suddenly have huge childcare bills?

Putting down single parents as having it easier is never going to be a goer.

Nobody was putting down single parents as having it easier. I don't know how you've drawn that conclusion. I'm merely pointing out that when I am at work, I am not looking after my children. If I was a SAHM then I would be. So I am not going everything that a SAHM would be, and it's unfair that people say that. It's putting down SAHPs.

OP I think you need to face up to the very difficult financial situation at the moment - he is working hard to keep you afloat and that’s a good thing. People really do not need to be so nasty.

Not having any saving as a safety net doesn't bother you, but it may bother him..because he carries the full financial burden to put a roof over your heads and feed/clothe the family.

Especially after having this debt..it's sensible to put some money aside.

That said, he does need a break because if he crashes from the exhaustion...you'll be up the creek without a paddle and that will be immensely stressful on all of you.

At the moment you're both working almost all the time, although you're not paid as SAHM.

There's an extra element to doing absolutely everything if you actually have a partner. If you're a single parent, you know you have to do everything, it's really hard, but there's no alternative. Likewise if you're forces wife. This is how it is. The other parent simply can't be there

If you actually have a partner and they totally absolve themselves of playing any part in your household and any contact with their kids, there's a whole element of someone choosing not to be with you. Choosing not to care. Giving the impression that they don't love and support you, and the kids see a parent who doesn't want to spend any time at all with them. Absolutely none.

I'm not setting up a who has it worse thing here. I'm just saying that OP is being faced every day with the fact that she's not seen as a companion, a lover, or someone who could do with some support - even someone to dry while she washes up. Despite the fact that he lives with her.

The fact that he lives in the home and chooses not to be part of it is a daily hurt. And I don't believe that there's a poster here who wouldn't be angry and feel uncared for in OP's position.

But you're a SAHM, sorry you're finding it a drudge but the alternative is that you work so you share the load of bringing money in to support the family and then he wouldn't have to do so many hours.

That's what most families do. I can't believe your DH is working so many hours to clear debt and your response is that he's not around for bath time. Support him by helping to bring money in by working if you're not happy about him missing out.

It would be lovely to have him home by 5pm every night but very few families can afford to do that when only one of them works. Most people I know work and still manage to do the parenting and house stuff, because they have to make the best of it.

@saraclara

There's an extra element to doing absolutely everything if you actually have a partner. If you're a single parent, you know you have to do everything, it's really hard, but there's no alternative. Likewise if you're forces wife. This is how it is. The other parent simply can't be there

If you actually have a partner and they totally absolve themselves of playing any part in your household and any contact with their kids, there's a whole element of someone choosing not to be with you. Choosing not to care. Giving the impression that they don't love and support you, and the kids see a parent who doesn't want to spend any time at all with them. Absolutely none.

I'm not setting up a who has it worse thing here. I'm just saying that OP is being faced every day with the fact that she's not seen as a companion, a lover, or someone who could do with some support - even someone to dry while she washes up. Despite the fact that he lives with her.

The fact that he lives in the home and chooses not to be part of it is a daily hurt. And I don't believe that there's a poster here who wouldn't be angry and feel uncared for in OP's position.

This is a terrible post and I don’t know what possessed you to write it

He isn’t choosing to stay away from her as you’re insinuating he is working to pay the bills. And even with these hours they have no savings and live week to week.

Regardless of anything else you need to work on why a 14 year old can’t be trusted to cycle to school and come home and be alone after until you get back at 4pm.

That’s just ridiculous.