About dh doing so many hours and the affect its having at home.

[ImNotCutOutForThis]

I don't know if I'm. BU or not.
DH recently has worked a silly amount of hours. He's Self Employed but also works for an employer.
His employer hours 8 till 6. He's then saying on doing his SE work until 10pm, 11pm, 12 am.
A Saturday when finishes at 12. Will stay and do SE work till 6, 7, 8pm

Now the money obviously helps. He's cleared 99% of debts and it's made things much easier for Xmas.

However, it's getting to the point he just can't say no to people and takes on so much because all he sees is £££ signs.

We have a teen, toddler and a baby at home. I'm a sahm. But I am so so exhausted from it.
He gets in eats and showers then bed. Once he's asleep he hears nothing. So I do the waking to the baby and a toddler who seems to keep waking lately too.
Also with the lockdown the kids routine is different and the toddler isn't behaving particularly well.

Obviously where hes is out the house sometimes 7. 30am till. Midnight EVERYTHING falls on me to do.

Hes just said about staying in tomorrow after doing till 10.45 last night and 9pm today. That he'll be staying in tomorrow.
I'd planned a nice meal. The kids havent seen him for days, or just an odd 5 min if we pop to see him at work and sit in car on way to shopping or pre school.

Its been over 2 months since he bathed the baby.

I don't know if its me. But to me money isn't the be all and end all. We live week to week but it's not a massively tight budget as it was when we had huge debts.
I'm also worried for his health.
I'm worried ill resent him for leaving me to run everything here.
I'm worried that his relationship with the kids will dwindle a bit.

I just don't know. I know he's doing it for good reasons.ut he doesn't need to.

Am I out of order

I think you really are being unreasonable.
He's working to provide for you and your 3 children, you've stated you live week to week and his is the only wage coming in, it's not unreasonable for him to want to ensure there is some money put aside for when you need it.
I get that being a SAHM isn't a 24/7 job, but it's not like he's spending his days playing golf or watching football, he's supporting his family.

I think you need to just push through until the small ones are in school, then you can get a pt job during school hours.

More kids = more income needed. It's just how it is. When you can work pt then your DH will be able to cut back on hours a bit.

My DP took a less stressful job. It ended up not being a pay cut, but only just, and certainly career limiting. The difference is that I also work outside the home and we are not living week to week, BUT I cannot tell you how much of a difference it made to our quality of life. You need to sit down and speak to him. Work out a budget for the minimum you need. Does he want to carry on like this until after Christmas / you can fit in a paid job / debt is fully paid off / you have £X savings... if there is an end in sight, it might be easier to deal with.

There's a lot of things going on here. It must be very hard carrying the sole financial burden and living week to week is extremely stressful. On the other hand, you doing everything at home isn't great either. The only way to solve this, in my view, is for you to get a job which would allow him to drop some of the hours. You need to sit down and discuss a plan for the future because your situation is not sustainable, for either of you. And you need a safety net, OP.

It sounds like your situation actually can't change right now, then. You're staying at home and he's earning the money. He can't drop one of his jobs because childcare prevents you from working.

So I think just accept life is tiring for both of you right now and try to make some together with the kids where you can. It's hard but it's all extra hard right now.

In the last month I've been doing overtime, during the week around 10-11h/day and on the weekends I'd be doing between 6 and 12 hours depending on the day. during those hours my son would be in nursery or with my husband. he's been pulling up his weight so I could do my hours. we both have good salaries and could live without this but my project was in a critical point so needed me extra.

Why I'm saying this? because now it's been your husband who needed to the hours, also, you say you live day to day, so you need his money and more, if you're a sahm and this was a decision you both took, I'm sorry but I cant see how he's at fault here.

as others have said, if you're nt happy with this, what's stopping you from looking for an evening job/weekend one so he does the childcare in the meantime. it could be good fr you both and he might feel better with spare time and not feeling all the financial weight of the house is failing on him

Have you ever sat down an financially planned together OP? Where you are now, where your like to get to (savings, holidays, mortgage) in 2 years? In 5? Once you've agreed that you can look at how you both can make it happen. Who needs to earn what, what else needs to be done, how you are going to share out the work (all the work, including childcare) between you. If not, do this.

You are right that the current set up cant continue indefinitely but it may be necessary for it to continue for a while longer. Just make sure you're moving to something more sustainable within a year.

for you both. It does sound very tough.

How about get a job OP so he doesn't have to work so hard to clear all your debts?

You sound very ungrateful. He's working hard during a pandemic to bring more money in, are you living in the real world?

You say that can’t start a job til 8 as he finishes that late. I think the idea is that he stops working around 5 -6 so you can start sooner. It’s not that he does his hours and you start after. It’s more about him reducing them so that you can do an evening job

YABU 😂😂

Go and get a job ffs

It sounds like neither of you ever get a break and the current set-up doesn't sound as if it is sustainable for either of you.

I'd discuss it together, but would aim to carry on until the debt is cleared and then he can reduce his self- employed work, allowing you both some time off each week.

I've never had savings and I'm not fussed on ever having any. There are people worse off

That's like saying - I'm not fussed if I drive without a seatbelt, there are people who ride a motorbike with no helmet who are in even more danger.

Savings are a safety net. You need them not because you want to roll around in piles of cash chortling about how money is everything, but for emergencies.

You are right that your DH's work habits can't continue forever. I think your DH has done incredibly well to pay off this debt, but he probably should keep going until you have built up a cushion of savings as your emergency fund, generally 3-6 months of living expenses. Once that is in the bank, you can have the conversation of work/life balance and family time.

@HotSince63

Your husband is working up to 16 hours a day, he's cleared huge debts and you're still only living financially week to week.

Have you thought about getting a job yourself? You know, to take some of the financial pressure off him... maybe you could go out to work of an evening and he can bath the baby.

Is there any need to talk down to the OP like this?

I don’t know if you see the irony in the following two sentences.

But to me money isn't the be all and end all

he...doesn't think the affect it has around him

What effect do you think your attitude to money has on your husband?

If he’s working crazy hours and you only have £200/week for non-essentials and emergencies, with no savings to buffer, you can’t afford to be a one-income household.

Either you work a job each, or he works two. There’s no other way around it.

If he wants a certain lifestyle and working all these hours provides it, there isnt much you can do other than take some of the burden and get a part time job to supplement what he would lose by working less.

GalaxyCookieCrumble
Is there any need to talk down to the OP like this?

Do you have any actual advice for the OP, or is this your only cuntribution to this thread?

You sound really naive about money OP.

I am not saying you shouldn't be a SAHM, like many will on here. It sounds like with your set up the way it is you have to be.

But your DP is working all the hours god sends to try and carve a life for you where you don't live week to week and have some financial stability.

When your smallest kids are older, and that will happen in the blink of an eye, you will have your time to maybe take up a bit of the financial slack. But right now your DP is trying to create security for you all.

You say you're not fussed about financial security, you should be. You don't want to be living a life of Christmas catalogue vouchers and payday loans. You want to be able to know that if the boiler breaks you can cover it.

Also 'I'm not fussed on savings' is a really bloody irresponsible thing for someone to say.

Poor guy. He's working himself to the bone to clear your family debts and in case he loses his job. He's doing it to protect you.

It's easy for people to say it's all about money until they dont have any !
Sorry but I think you need to suck it up for now . I'm SE working 7 days a week and doing everything else because I'm a single parent. I dont know what business your husband is on but for me its around 10 times harder to make money right now so I have to put extra hours in or i will not stay afloat.

And to say your not fussed about savings shows how immature you really are. My savings have kept is fed and a roof over our heads during these last few months when I have not earned anything.

It sounds like hard work for both of you. Could you get a job to bring in some extra cash to take the financial burden off him? Then he can help you more with the children.

Is his self employment actually generating an income that's worth the extra hours?

If it is then it sounds like he is working hard to clear debts and give your family some security.

If he didn't do the self employed hours would you still be able pay the bills?

Not being fussed about having savings is easier to say when someone else has to pay the unexpected bills. It’s a very different thing to say when you’re the person expected to magic up the cash.

The other thing you don’t comment on op is if he didn’t do these extra hours, how much spare money would you have each week.

Also if you don’t have savings but have 200 a week left, exactly what is it being spent on?

You could swap, you get the job and pay off the debt, he stays at home?

If I didn't work I'd expect to do everything in the house.