About dh doing so many hours and the affect its having at home.

[ImNotCutOutForThis]

I don't know if I'm. BU or not.
DH recently has worked a silly amount of hours. He's Self Employed but also works for an employer.
His employer hours 8 till 6. He's then saying on doing his SE work until 10pm, 11pm, 12 am.
A Saturday when finishes at 12. Will stay and do SE work till 6, 7, 8pm

Now the money obviously helps. He's cleared 99% of debts and it's made things much easier for Xmas.

However, it's getting to the point he just can't say no to people and takes on so much because all he sees is £££ signs.

We have a teen, toddler and a baby at home. I'm a sahm. But I am so so exhausted from it.
He gets in eats and showers then bed. Once he's asleep he hears nothing. So I do the waking to the baby and a toddler who seems to keep waking lately too.
Also with the lockdown the kids routine is different and the toddler isn't behaving particularly well.

Obviously where hes is out the house sometimes 7. 30am till. Midnight EVERYTHING falls on me to do.

Hes just said about staying in tomorrow after doing till 10.45 last night and 9pm today. That he'll be staying in tomorrow.
I'd planned a nice meal. The kids havent seen him for days, or just an odd 5 min if we pop to see him at work and sit in car on way to shopping or pre school.

Its been over 2 months since he bathed the baby.

I don't know if its me. But to me money isn't the be all and end all. We live week to week but it's not a massively tight budget as it was when we had huge debts.
I'm also worried for his health.
I'm worried ill resent him for leaving me to run everything here.
I'm worried that his relationship with the kids will dwindle a bit.

I just don't know. I know he's doing it for good reasons.ut he doesn't need to.

Am I out of order

You found it easier working full time and being a single parent? Being wholly responsible for every single thing, without a second’s relief. Nobody to take a shred of responsibility for even a moment. Really?

Always amazed at how many ppl on MN think paying for every bit of food a child eats, every bit of shelter that protects them, every piece of clothing they wear is nothing or not parenting or even ‘totally absolving’ themselves from their kids’ lives. Really, he doesn’t exist? Being totally and solely responsible for whether his kids eat isn’t existing as a parent?

When I’m at work I’m most certainly parenting. If I’m not responsible, as a parent, for providing for my child.....who on earth is?

I'm not setting up a who has it worse thing here

And yet that's exactly what you did 😂

I think one of the biggest issues here is the 14 yo. At 14 I was trusted to pick my little sister up from nursery, walk her home, feed her and my two other younger brothers, do grocery shops, go to the bank etc and I'm sure there are plenty other teens that have done the same.

I can't stand it when people make excuses for teens because until you teach them a bit of responsibility when does it end? What happens when they're 18 and legally an adult and still can't be trusted on their own? They don't just magically mature one day.

I'm sure the teen can cycle/bus/arrange a life share with a friend to and from school? Surely they can also chip in with some of the house work? Putting a load of laundry on, whizzing round with the hoover, emptying the dishwasher etc. is not difficult. Little things like this will free up time for you to go do something like a cleaning job somewhere. My Mum did a little cleaning job whilst bringing up 4 children and my Dad worked FT. She was getting something ridiculous like £20 an hour and this was 10 years ago.

have to agree with the previous poster - the 14 year old is a massive problem - stop making excuses for him!

He needs to step up - get himself to and from school - do a few chores around the house.

Seriously my 14 year old stepson lives in a different Country - he gets himself on a plane to visit us - sometimes not even on a direct flight - he manages to navigate the airport to change flights!

His Mum never takes him to school nor is she there when he gets home!

In our house he can make us all lunch, tidy up afterwards, help with laundry!

He had to learn all these things of course - so start getting him to help you prepare meals, put the washing on - start trusting him to get to school himself!

Start batch cooking - i've managed to not cook anything new for over a week now as I had enough in the freezer - so have just been taking out meals the night before and literally all I have to do is cook a pot of rice!

If your husband has a problem with re-heated pasta? tough shit tbh - he can make something else!!

Oh what a hero he is, working valiantly to pay off all the debts! That, er, he ran up. In her name. After years of ‘burying his head in the sand’ about paying them back.

OP whatever arrangements you have need to work for you as a family. If he’s already taken it upon himself to trash your credit rating by running up debt and then ignoring it, he shouldn’t be deciding just by himself what his working hours are going to be to fix that. This needs to be something you can both agree on, not something where he does what he wants and you lump it because you’re the one at home.

Some people on MN are deeply weird about any situation in which men are The Breadwinner and women the SAHP. It’s very obvious here that he’s not working all hours down a coal mine to facilitate your frivolous life of shopping and having your nails done. You don’t need to swoon in gratitude at his feet for working, let alone working to pay off these particular debts.

But you should consider when you might be able to get back out to work. He’s messed up your credit rating and you are currently a SAHP looking after his children, and you’re not married; it doesn’t sound like you’re in the soundest of financial positions for your own future here.

OP, I have considerable sympathy for you because I have been in this position. It is very hard and lonely, and I got through it because I have only 2 kids with a large gap, so one child at school before next came along. That said, and I mean it kindly, you have chosen to have a large family and marry a man with a child already. I understand now the debt is DHs. Still, I think you need to grit your teeth and hang in there for a couple of years until your kids grow up and your teen becomes a bit more responsible.

He isn’t choosing to stay away from her as you’re insinuating he is working to pay the bills. And even with these hours they have no savings and live week to week.

But that's not true anymore. See OP's post:

As now the debts are cleared we'd be 450pm better off anyway

At this point he is choosing to earn an extra £450pm above breakeven. And maybe it's a good idea to enable the family to build up savings... but he should be at least discussing it with the OP (since she's working just as hard to facilitate it).

Maybe OP would rather he built up half as much savings each month and was home a bit more? Or maybe OP needs a month where he doesn't work weekends so she can have a break?

450pm more is not a lot. With a family it could go in a flash. No wonder he wants to build up more of a cushion.

@catspyjamas123

450pm more is not a lot. With a family it could go in a flash. No wonder he wants to build up more of a cushion.

It's not a lot. But no time off for either of them, not seeing your kids from one week to the next, and no couples time is not a lot either.

People need balance in their lives.

We are in a global pandemic with recession round the corner. Someone needs to pay for all this furlough. If you can’t realise that you need to get savings now you are reckless. Surely the horrendous financial position people are finding themselves in is a lesson. You have chosen to have a large family. It needs saving for.