About dh doing so many hours and the affect its having at home.

[ImNotCutOutForThis]

I don't know if I'm. BU or not.
DH recently has worked a silly amount of hours. He's Self Employed but also works for an employer.
His employer hours 8 till 6. He's then saying on doing his SE work until 10pm, 11pm, 12 am.
A Saturday when finishes at 12. Will stay and do SE work till 6, 7, 8pm

Now the money obviously helps. He's cleared 99% of debts and it's made things much easier for Xmas.

However, it's getting to the point he just can't say no to people and takes on so much because all he sees is £££ signs.

We have a teen, toddler and a baby at home. I'm a sahm. But I am so so exhausted from it.
He gets in eats and showers then bed. Once he's asleep he hears nothing. So I do the waking to the baby and a toddler who seems to keep waking lately too.
Also with the lockdown the kids routine is different and the toddler isn't behaving particularly well.

Obviously where hes is out the house sometimes 7. 30am till. Midnight EVERYTHING falls on me to do.

Hes just said about staying in tomorrow after doing till 10.45 last night and 9pm today. That he'll be staying in tomorrow.
I'd planned a nice meal. The kids havent seen him for days, or just an odd 5 min if we pop to see him at work and sit in car on way to shopping or pre school.

Its been over 2 months since he bathed the baby.

I don't know if its me. But to me money isn't the be all and end all. We live week to week but it's not a massively tight budget as it was when we had huge debts.
I'm also worried for his health.
I'm worried ill resent him for leaving me to run everything here.
I'm worried that his relationship with the kids will dwindle a bit.

I just don't know. I know he's doing it for good reasons.ut he doesn't need to.

Am I out of order

I'm confused on the dsc thing, how many kids does he have and how many do you have together? You said a teen, a toddler and a baby in your first post, then mention dsc as seperate to your teen in one of your next posts.

Either way, you got together with him knowing he has children already, and then wanted kids of your own with him. You can't get together with someone with kids and expect to never have any kind of contact with them, so you can't use them as an excuse. They were part of the deal and you don't work, so your job is dealing with the kids.

I think you're naive and a bit stupid to say savings don't matter. What are you going to do if your husband loses both jobs? You have nothing to fall back on. Savings do matter and they are something that are incredibly helpful to have. What are you spending £200 a week on after all bills?

I think you need to sit down, go through your finances together and see where you can make savings that mean you're still saving money, but he doesn't need to work himself to the bone.

I'm a bit baffled at the posters telling the op to get a job tbh. Her DH works evenings and weekends; where's the childcare coming from?

Plus of course it's incredibly easy to get a job at the moment

You're living week to week and he's working his arse off. I'd be grateful he facilitating you not to work.

@doctorhamster

I'm a bit baffled at the posters telling the op to get a job tbh. Her DH works evenings and weekends; where's the childcare coming from?

Plus of course it's incredibly easy to get a job at the moment

The idea there was so that he didn’t have to work two jobs rather than so he can work his current workload and she work.

From the OPs post it is obvious the two incomes are needed so the only options are one person work two jobs or they both have one each.

I have a teen. He has a 9 Yr old. And 2 under 3 together.
When we chose to have toddler, I was working . We had to have treatment due to my issues ( I did with teen too)
Then we got caught out with youngest after being told we could not concieve naturally so it is what it is , I can't change that

I have no issue in his dc. We have a good relationship. However what I was saying was a huge majority falls on me for his dc. I do all her school runs. Her laundry, feed, clothe, homework., entertaining., baths etc.

But I have accepted I am bu. That's prob what I needed to be told.

And regards to a job.
DH works his main job 8 til 6, and half day at weekend. that cannot be lowered in any way. Therefore he can't do any school runs.

I drop teen to breakfast club at 8am.
When we have sdc I then do that school run 4 miles away for 8.55 takes forever due to rush hour.
Toddler has pre school 9.30 we just about make it.

I then collect toddler 12.30. Lunch and play.
Leave at 2.25 to collect sdc for 3. 05pm

Back to get ds who would normally wait in library but can't at mo so he waits outside. Traffic depending home for 4pm

Homework, chill tea, showers stories bed.

If anyone has any ideas how I Can work around that with adding a childminder for baby in the mix, it would be great to hear,
My teen could possibly cycle however he's not trustworthy to be home alone for a period of time.

If dh finishes at 6 he's home 6.45. He would have to shower before even holding the kids due to his job. So say 7.15.pm.
So I could start at 8pm for example a supermarket twilight but when would I sleep?

Baby wakes numerous times in the night. Toddler is going through a phase of waking.
Which I know neither would be forever but dh does not hear them. Even with the baby monitors on loud next to him.

I appreciate all Your views.

YABU. You’re in big debts with no safety net, with the luxury of only one working. Id be looking for work myself and not thinking that having a tiny bit of spare cash is ok. Good on him for working hard.

@ImNotCutOutForThis

Until mat leave. My job was local. No commute so was fortunate. I became a sahm as he wanted to go back to his profession and the only one local was 8 till 6 m to f. And sat mornings. There's zero flexibility for him to lower those hours. But he can do that self employed after hours but not use premises during open hours for his self employed part

I wasn't happy in debt the debts were in my name as he has poor credit rating.

And not fussed on savings.. Plenty of people. Don't have savings. Money isn't everything it really isn't.

Bills are always paid on time. The kids never ever go without. We out money aside for Xmas each month out of the salary but admitted he has added to it to do a few extra bits with the kids like events (if things are lifted),

I think I am being unreasonable, I know he's trying but like I say I think I'm just shattered. We do have down days of TV etc but sometimes that's worse as they get bored

Savings are extremely important. That statement alone means you are completely unreasonable. What happens if he loses his job?.

I do not think you have a choice but to continue as you are. Four kids on one salary is a lot. You absolutely need savings in this economy.

I think it’s too difficult to work right now.

He has full custody of the nine year old? Her mum isn’t on the scene?

I know plenty of parents with 3 kids who work and work longer hours than DH. Nurseries runs 8-6 minimum (incorporating pre school) so that’s 2 kids sorted. The issue is the teen who can’t be left alone which should be the least of your problems. I’d be sorting that out and/or looking into youth clubs/after school clubs. Many jobs are currently wfh which may help in the short term whilst he gets older.

I agree that with the current set up working would be tricky. However I think simple steps could win you back more time. Things like encouraging/allowing your teenager to make his own way to and from school sounds like that would win you back an hour a day?

How many days a week do you have your step daughter?

So he ran up debts (in your name ) and now he is pushing all childcare, including for his newborn and his children from another relationship (your step children) on to you so that he can invest in his own business which, while providing you with money now, gives him far more financial stability than it does you. In fact it makes it impossible for you to invest in your own financial stability. You’re both exhausted but mainly for his benefit.

I don’t think you’re wrong to be annoyed at the way work for his screw up is just being pushed on to you without discussion and your approval.

All the people telling the OP to just get a job.... have you seen the unemployed rates recently? It really isnt that simple. I understand how draining it is. I imagine it's less about the work and much more about tiredness from broken sleep etc.
I think you should discuss one night a week where he is home earlier so you can go to bed earlier etc to get some rest. Obviously your dh is working hard for a reason however there is nothing wrong with you wanting some extra sleep or a couple of hours break either.

YANBU. I can't believe how many people have said YABU!

He ran up debts.
Yes, he's worked hard to clear them, which is very laudable... until you realise that he's dumped all of his childcare and housework on the OP to facilitate that!
So you've been working extremely hard too to clear his debts... with no choice in the matter.

As a SAHP, it's reasonable that you would cover all the chores and childcare while he's at his regular work. So 8am-6pm. Outside of that time, he should be doing 50% of everything. And probably more of the childcare with your step-children.

But instead, he's unilaterally decided that he'll work in the evenings and at weekends even though you don't want him to and he's dumped all his chores onto you. Did he even ask?

Now he's cleared his debts, he needs to take back his share of the evening and weekend chores, no question. If he wants to work overtime, he needs to discuss it with you and work out how he'll cover his chores (cleaner? nanny? - paid for from his overtime).

Can you get a part time job to support him so he doesn't need to work so much?

Dear God, WHY do so many women tell a woman with 2 under 2, a teen, a SD, and a DH who works all the hours - that the answer to her problems is for her to get a job?????? Do you think she is not doing enough already??????

Feminism has failed if this is where we are at.

@Annasgirl

Dear God, WHY do so many women tell a woman with 2 under 2, a teen, a SD, and a DH who works all the hours - that the answer to her problems is for her to get a job?????? Do you think she is not doing enough already??????

Feminism has failed if this is where we are at.

Reading those comments, I thought these people sound absolutely clueless. Or cruel. Or both.

He ran up debts.

Where does it say that? Apologies if I've missed it.

@Annasgirl

Dear God, WHY do so many women tell a woman with 2 under 2, a teen, a SD, and a DH who works all the hours - that the answer to her problems is for her to get a job?????? Do you think she is not doing enough already??????

Feminism has failed if this is where we are at.

The idea would be that she gets a job, and he can cut down so he's not working 16 hour days! Then the financial load and childcare load is split between both of them.

This thread really has been horrific for drip feeding. Maybe you didn’t mean to, OP, but it has. So, you feel you bear the brunt of childcare for FOUR children then: you now say it’s a teen, a 9-year-old stepchild you have half the time, and two under 3. So that means your husband’s hours are supporting FOUR children, living week to week, with no savings. About 20 people before me have replied to your attitude that it’s fine to have no savings, so I’m not going to say it again, but I think that @VodselForDinner’s comment may be one of the most important. This looks at the most common causes for divorce: institutedfa.com/Leading-Causes-Divorce/ . In Vodsel’s comment, you’re showing basic incompatibility and arguments about money. You’re headed for a breakdown. I don’t really see that any of these comments have made any difference to you, in your follow-up comments. I don’t know if you’re just hearing, “Get a job,” thinking, “I can’t,” and that’s it, so it’s done. But what you need to do is sit down with your husband, without anger, and ask him why he’s working all these hours, what his goals are, and determine what your goals can be together, or you’ll never solve this. He’ll keep doing what he’s doing and you’ll keep doing what you’re doing (being upset and letting it fester).

@vanillandhoney

He ran up debts.

Where does it say that? Apologies if I've missed it.

OP’s Thu 19-Nov-20 10:49:27 post:

“The debts is what he'd run up so he's taken responsibility and cleared them after 2 yrs of burying his head in the sand ”

Thanks @BoomBoomsCousin.

Arrgghhhh all those saying "just get a job" it's not that easy when you have a baby and a toddler plus older kids to arrange (and pay for childcare for), pick ups and drop offs. And it's sounds like even if the DH drops his hours he'd still be working full time or close to that ? It's not reasonable to expect the Op to work at night and have the kids during the day either. Op it does like you need the money though. I think you might have to bear it for a bit longer.

Just seen about the debts - agree with @BoomBoomsCousin

Your comment that you don’t care about having savings is TERRIFYING when you are supporting four children, and even more so when you are running on one family income. If one thing goes wrong in your life, that’s it, no savings, no safety net. How can you think that’s an ok way for adults to live when children rely on them?