About dh doing so many hours and the affect its having at home.

[ImNotCutOutForThis]

I don't know if I'm. BU or not.
DH recently has worked a silly amount of hours. He's Self Employed but also works for an employer.
His employer hours 8 till 6. He's then saying on doing his SE work until 10pm, 11pm, 12 am.
A Saturday when finishes at 12. Will stay and do SE work till 6, 7, 8pm

Now the money obviously helps. He's cleared 99% of debts and it's made things much easier for Xmas.

However, it's getting to the point he just can't say no to people and takes on so much because all he sees is £££ signs.

We have a teen, toddler and a baby at home. I'm a sahm. But I am so so exhausted from it.
He gets in eats and showers then bed. Once he's asleep he hears nothing. So I do the waking to the baby and a toddler who seems to keep waking lately too.
Also with the lockdown the kids routine is different and the toddler isn't behaving particularly well.

Obviously where hes is out the house sometimes 7. 30am till. Midnight EVERYTHING falls on me to do.

Hes just said about staying in tomorrow after doing till 10.45 last night and 9pm today. That he'll be staying in tomorrow.
I'd planned a nice meal. The kids havent seen him for days, or just an odd 5 min if we pop to see him at work and sit in car on way to shopping or pre school.

Its been over 2 months since he bathed the baby.

I don't know if its me. But to me money isn't the be all and end all. We live week to week but it's not a massively tight budget as it was when we had huge debts.
I'm also worried for his health.
I'm worried ill resent him for leaving me to run everything here.
I'm worried that his relationship with the kids will dwindle a bit.

I just don't know. I know he's doing it for good reasons.ut he doesn't need to.

Am I out of order

@CupOfTeaAlonePlease

How many jobs can one just 'get' in the middle of a pandemic and recession, after time out of the work force, that accommodates a spouse who is gone all waking hours AND which is lucrative enough to cover two sets of child minding fees PLUS enough of a profit to boost the household income?

Can't believe the people telling her to just get a job, what planet are you living on?

OP, it sounds like you're unhappy with the division of responsibility in your house. Talk to your partner about it. If you want to work then you need a plan to make that happen.

What a fab response. I agree with this completely. Good luck with starting the conversation

Many families can't survive on one income, your clearly can't otherwise you wouldn't have had huge debts and you wouldn't still be living hand to mouth despite him working long hours.

You need to work to. It isn't fair to place all the financial burden one one partner when they don't have the means to shoulder it easily.

My fil worked 3 jobs at times to allow my mil to be a sahm. She did do some very flexible part time cleaning for two friends but that was it. She never worked again. They are now in their 70's and she is fit and healthy and FIL isn't. She always comments that he worked himself into the ground and now look at him. She doesn't seem to recognise he did this to allow her the chance to not work.

Work out how you can bring money into the home so your DH can work less then perhaps you both can enjoy a family life.

OP I could not be a SAHP and I have a lot of respect for those that do it well.

I understand why you would be struggling with the drudge of being the sole carer of 3 children and feeling like your husband isn't there to contribute and that must be very tough.

From what you have described in your Oap I do think your husband is proba ly doing the right thing though. If debts are nearly cleared but you have no savings and still living week to week (even if its not tight, the fact you're not in a position to feel flush after all this time implodes there is still some way to go to get to a more comfortable position).

Could you have a discussion with your husband and agree some ground rules such as how long this working pattern will continue for (and let's face it be must be exhausted too).

So let's say he continues like this for 6 months and then you assess finances?

Can you set a ground rule that once per fortnight he spends a Sunday afternoon with family from 12-5, you can eat a meal together and have a family walk in that time allowing everyone some time to reconnect but without taking away from his work schedule too much.

I'm afraid given the situation you described that I think your husband is being quite sensible to be trying to secure a future while the work is there for him. Good luck!

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. It sounds to me an occasional Saturday afternoon or an evening when he doesn't do self employed work and helps with bedtime would make a huge difference for you.

Mmm I get where you're coming from but I also think it's one of those things that is tough in the shorter term. I'm a sahm with 3 kids (6 and under) and my husband works and also does his SE work on the side. We compromise by him working his hours around us a bit. So he finishes his employed work at about 4ish, spends time with me and the kids and doing bedtimes. Kids in bed by 7. He then picks up his own work at about 8/9 and then works until about 12. I can't begrudge him at all as he provides and makes us very financially secure. He is getting to the point where it won't be long to stop his day job and run totally self employed. So in the mean the while he is so busy, I help out with his business where I can in the evenings. I knew it would be a tough year or two while he was essentially working 2 jobs but I know for his work life it will make him much happier to be working for himself and his earning potential will be better. Could you guys find a compromise on his hours a bit so he is home at dinner, bath and bed time?

Honestly having the pressure of being entriely finicially responsible for the family is horrendous.

He's working as hard as you if not harder bet your not the only one thats tired .
If he drops off at working so much your debt will build and it will be down to HIM to sort it.
He's stepped up to sort the family finances you have to step up to sort the home neither of you are getting an easy ride.

Is the teen his or yours or a joint child?

I feel for him - he’s knocking his pan in and you’re still only living week to week.

Why can’t you get a job?

It’s tricky when you are the SAMP. For all the people saying ‘it’s your job’, well yes but not 24/7. The OPs DH hasn’t bathed his baby in 2 months. I assume that includes Sat/Sun.

I’m also a SAHP and mon-fri (pre pandemic) I did everything. Night wakings and feeding, getting them up, all 3 meals and bedtime routine alone. It is hard work and quite lonely. Our compromise was that my DH would take the lead at weekends. He got up with them and I had the lie in. He cooked. He ran the hoover round. There needs to be some balance.

What is he like at the weekends OP? At the moment my DH works some of the weekend too because of the pandemic but now (because they are slightly older) my DC are able to attend childcare settings, one full time, one 3 hours a day. That’s helps maintain the balance.

It simply isn’t fair when one person is left to do it all. He should be doing the bulk of it at weekends, otherwise the OP gets no break.

It sounds like he is working hard to keep his family of 5's head above water, working 12-16hr days 5 days a week and then weekends too, just to live week to week.

It does sound like too much and isn't good for any of you but if he drops his SE work to spend more time with his family what would your solution be to ensure your family still has enough money coming in so you don't end up spiraling into debt again?

My DH works incredibly long hours so that he can earn extra money; at first I was supportive but as time has gone on I’ve resented that it means I have to do everything at home, and never get to see him. It’s a long term thing with my DHs work and I’m not convinced that the extra money is worth the lack of any time together

This is not sustainable longer term. You need to know it will end.
However, your financial position is still precarious so you need to set some goals so you can both agree a step down from this level of pressure. eg all debts cleared and 6 months of expenses saved.

Encourage and support him. Don't resent him doing this. Crack on with looking after the home and childcare without complaint. Why because you are currently a SAHM and not working or bringing money into a family of 5. Your family is in debt and living week to week. This period won't last forever. Unless you are planning more children? In which case it might. You could be out working soon with your DC using their free nursery place + top up childcare. Or working in the evenings so that your husband is home with the DC instead.
The bottom line is that he's working hard, it's temporary and your family will benefit from financial stability in the future as a result.

If his clearing debt and trying to get set up financially YUBU

If you think it’s getting too much for him you could offer to get a job or remind him that you don’t mind being in financial difficulties and he can take a breather once in a while- but you can’t have it both ways as that’s not realistic in your situation

@ImMoana

It’s tricky when you are the SAMP. For all the people saying ‘it’s your job’, well yes but not 24/7. The OPs DH hasn’t bathed his baby in 2 months. I assume that includes Sat/Sun.

I’m also a SAHP and mon-fri (pre pandemic) I did everything. Night wakings and feeding, getting them up, all 3 meals and bedtime routine alone. It is hard work and quite lonely. Our compromise was that my DH would take the lead at weekends. He got up with them and I had the lie in. He cooked. He ran the hoover round. There needs to be some balance.

What is he like at the weekends OP? At the moment my DH works some of the weekend too because of the pandemic but now (because they are slightly older) my DC are able to attend childcare settings, one full time, one 3 hours a day. That’s helps maintain the balance.

It simply isn’t fair when one person is left to do it all. He should be doing the bulk of it at weekends, otherwise the OP gets no break.

So you expect the working partner to do their paid job all week and take the lead with all the family/ house stuff at the weekend so the SAHM partner can have a rest. So when does the working partner rest?

Op yanbu.

Presumably if he's worked all these hours to clear a big debt and cover Xmas he's earning well above what you need to cover the basics. So of he makes a compromise and works. say 50% of the extra hours once you're debt free, you'd have more balance

It isn't about you looking after the kids when you're a sahp, it's the fact that he doesn't see them or have any meaningful relationship with them or you. Yes the debts need clearing, he's done a great job but he also has a family.

YABVU

You have the luxury of being a STAHM - one that only by the grace of him working hard is possible. He's clearing is Debts in a pandemic and very shaky economic market with rising unemployment. I feel sorry for him that clearly he can't do right by you? You say money isn't important to you - that's easy for someone to say when they aren't responsible for financially supporting a family of 5. Maybe he's saving to do something nice next year

If you don't like it get a job and contribute to the family finances so he feels less pressure?

Encourage him to have breaks and look after his health first. And think together about how you want your lives together to be longer term. But pull together not apart because you are both doing an amazing job.

When you’re married with children being a workaholic doesn’t really fit. You need to strike up a balance between the two otherwise you’ll wind up with children who barely recognise you and a spouse who resents you so much they probably end up leaving..

My DH is fond of Fred Dibnah and I looked into his life. His first two wives left him because he was always working and he subsequently had little to no relationship with his children. If two wives leave for the same reason, you know there’s an issue.

Anyway, my overall point is he’s clearly working too much and he needs to spend some time with his family.

You need to discuss together what hours he’s working? That’s what’s not happening and of course you have a right to have a say in this.

Can you have a chat with him about financial goals? E.g is he hoping to save up a safety cushion of 2k, 5k... 10k. How long until he pays off the debt? I think you need to sit down and work out what the goals are and therefore when the work hours will slow down, so you both know what you are working towards. It isn't sustainable forever however to me it sounds like he is being a responsible DH, trying to provide for his family and working as hard as he can.

My husband’s is the same. I’m so grateful he works so hard so that I can be a SAHM and not worry about money Even though our kids are teenagers. I hope he eases off soon so he can enjoy what he’s worked so hard for. We’re in our early fifties now and due to his hard work and work ethic for the last 25 years we’re comfortably off. Be grateful you have a partner who cares so much about your future.

OP you have had some quite harsh responses on here, although I can understand where they are coming from.

The fact you are constantly getting broken sleep every night is an issue. It affects your mental and emotional state. regardless is being a stahm is your job or not, no job requires you to have constant broken sleep, so he should be helping with nights, atleast on weekends so you can have a break and get a good chunk in.

I have done both - my office job was luxurious in comparison to being responsible for a tiny human all day and night by myself on about 4/5 hours broken sleep. So well done to you for handling a toddler and a baby. People do seem to look down on mums who stay at home, with throwaway comments like how lucky you are/how much of a luxury it is - and it is wonderful to be able to be with your children but it is not necessarily easy. Some have to stay at home because they cannot afford childcare and their work simply isn't worth what they would have to pay in fees. This is what happened to my SIL.

Your partner does not have it easy either by the sounds of it but I do think if you atleast had a bit more sleep or even a few hours to yourself on a Saturday/Sunday it would all seem a bit more manageable. It's not on at all that you do all the night wakings. It is soul destroying being constantly shattered.

That feels sad for him, it is no way to live. But you are already living week to week, and he’s been clearing debts. I’m sure he is exhausted too, but you both chose to habe three children and with that comes bills to be paid, and effort in raising them.

I'm your DH in this scenario, OP. My husband is a SAHD (can't work due to mental health issues) so I work part-time employed and the rest of the time self-employed.

The burden of being the sole provider is awful.

I work long hours till late and it's hard. On top of that, I long for more time with the DC. I want to be meeting friends with preschoolers too, for a walk and a coffee like my husband does. But I have to work this hard for the money. Trust me, spending your time constantly thinking about how much you have or haven't made this month is exhausting.

You need to have a talk with your husband and ask him how he feels about it all. Tell him how you feel. Then work towards a goal that helps both of you have more time with each other.

But please don't go in there saying "You haven't bathed the baby for two months". That's not fair on him. I know people say that looking after children is the hardest job and I know people say that if you're a SAHP when's your "me time"? But it sounds like he's working extremely hard and long hours, just like you're looking after the children for a long time in the day.

You need a solution that will benefit you both. Come at it from a place of caring and understanding, not accusations.

It's a bit of both really. You live week to week which isn't great in the current climate, and he's trying to clear debt and then I guess save money incase of any issues in the future, so you are unreasonable there. Would you prefer to be homeless? Blunt, but necessary in todays world.

I get that you want time as a family together though and not just you dealing with the kids. But this sounds like a temporary situation right now that will change eventually.