About dh doing so many hours and the affect its having at home.

[ImNotCutOutForThis]

I don't know if I'm. BU or not.
DH recently has worked a silly amount of hours. He's Self Employed but also works for an employer.
His employer hours 8 till 6. He's then saying on doing his SE work until 10pm, 11pm, 12 am.
A Saturday when finishes at 12. Will stay and do SE work till 6, 7, 8pm

Now the money obviously helps. He's cleared 99% of debts and it's made things much easier for Xmas.

However, it's getting to the point he just can't say no to people and takes on so much because all he sees is £££ signs.

We have a teen, toddler and a baby at home. I'm a sahm. But I am so so exhausted from it.
He gets in eats and showers then bed. Once he's asleep he hears nothing. So I do the waking to the baby and a toddler who seems to keep waking lately too.
Also with the lockdown the kids routine is different and the toddler isn't behaving particularly well.

Obviously where hes is out the house sometimes 7. 30am till. Midnight EVERYTHING falls on me to do.

Hes just said about staying in tomorrow after doing till 10.45 last night and 9pm today. That he'll be staying in tomorrow.
I'd planned a nice meal. The kids havent seen him for days, or just an odd 5 min if we pop to see him at work and sit in car on way to shopping or pre school.

Its been over 2 months since he bathed the baby.

I don't know if its me. But to me money isn't the be all and end all. We live week to week but it's not a massively tight budget as it was when we had huge debts.
I'm also worried for his health.
I'm worried ill resent him for leaving me to run everything here.
I'm worried that his relationship with the kids will dwindle a bit.

I just don't know. I know he's doing it for good reasons.ut he doesn't need to.

Am I out of order

He is working really hard to clear debts. This is really really sensible.

Once your financial position is more stable then you can have a proper conversation about division of responsibility.

both of you are suffering
it's lonely and tiring for you without his presence, and it's a heavy burden for him to provide for five people while living week to week

could you talk to him, see if you could get a part time job (not easy, I know) but that way you can split the household/childcare and work/money obligations?

I have been in both positions and both with extremely hard. Spending extra on Christmas is fuelling the problem. If you want to reduce hours and therefore income you first need to show the income is surplus to requirements.

@AllByMySelfDontWannaBe

He works you do childcare. Thats your job. No?

So she has to work 24/7 ? Why does he have a family if he never sees them?

@veryordinary

both of you are suffering it's lonely and tiring for you without his presence, and it's a heavy burden for him to provide for five people while living week to week

could you talk to him, see if you could get a part time job (not easy, I know) but that way you can split the household/childcare and work/money obligations?

The odds are the OP would still be running the home, up half the night and the money would go on childcare.

He’s the sole breadwinner for a family of 5 that live week to week. You need to start spending more responsibly, the way you talk about money is quite scary.

@Nanny0gg but it sounds like he is also having to work the same amount of hours to keep them afloat. Unless they can cut expenditure, or she can also bring in money, it doesn’t sound like they have much choice.

Why does he have a family if he never sees them?

I'm sure he's wondering the same thing while he's busting his balls doing 16 hour days and they're still only managing to live week to week, and meanwhile the OP is complaining he doesn't bath the baby too.

He's working two jobs to clear your debt in the middle of a pandemic where an awful lot of people are either just hanging on , redundant or facing redundancy and you're complaining that you have to bath the bady ??????.

YABU. He's working like a dog to make a better life for you and your DC, a work ethic like his is admirable and a great role model for your DC. He must be absolutely shattered, as I'm sure you are too, but as a partnership, you're creating some financial stability for your family. He has no idea what his work situation could be like in the coming months and presumably he wants to build up a cushion in case he has a few months without work. You need to support him in this.

He should be commended for his hard work.

Your family got in to debt living on one wage, so a second was needed. He’s working two paid jobs so you don’t have to work one.

To rebalance this, you should get a job so he can drop one of his.

But it does sound like you’re happy being in debt as long as you’re not the one carrying the financial burden. I bet if we heard your husband’s side of this, we’d get a clearer image of the stress he’s under.

So she has to work 24/7 ? Why does he have a family if he never sees them

What an odd reply. Surely you need to ask the op why he had a family when he needs to work these hours just to pay the bills? They already live week to week.

Are you of the impression there is a magic money tree or something?

Without having a good look at your bank statements no-one can really tell you if yabu.

I agree with you in that money isn't everything, and that I also couldn't cope with doing 24/7 solo childcare for 3 kids. BUT if finances are incredibly tight at the moment then maybe it's the way it has to be for a while. For me, I'd rather sacrifice holidays and tons of Xmas presents if it meant more family time, but if more family time meant no rent money/no food on the table then I'd have to just try and get on with it as best as I could.

Sounds like you're both working bloody hard, and like you need a conversation about where your finances are at and what your end goal is.

It’s so hard to turn down jobs when you’re self-employed, because you worry they’ll find someone else to do it and never ask you again.

He’s making hay while the sun shines. Paying off debts, providing for Christmas, getting you all through the pandemic. I realise why you’re tired, lonely and worried, but I think he sounds amazing!

Make things as easy and structured for yourself at home. Focus on that. This is just one period in your life, it won’t be forever.

The thing is, having a third baby is a decision the op took. It has repercussions, it means it is longer until she can start to work and financially contribute and lessen the load on her husband. It means there is another mouth to feed and escalating costs.

To pay for these costs, the husband needs to work more. As the op can’t. It is that simple. This is not a case of they are loaded and he is choosing this when they don’t need the money. He is working these hours and they are still just keeping their heads above water, and living week to week with no buffer.

It’s a decision they both took. This is simply what needs to occur due to that decision,

If he's working 2 jobs & you're still living week to week after clearing your debt,I can't see how you can expect childcare help tbh. If he drops the 2nd job & you find part time work to fill the gap it leaves, it would mean more time together . He'll probably crash & burn out stress or health wise after a while if you carry on as you are .

Thank you for replies. Quite a few different opinions.
If I got a pt job. We have no one for the kids. Pre school have no extra sessions.
And no way is here a way to balance teen school run. Pre school. Child minder for the baby and alternate dsc weeks with a different school. Which I do a majority of their care too .
We thought about an evening job but would have to be 8pm start nights. And meanjng I'd have the kids on hardly any sleep during the day.

The debts is what he'd run up so he's taken responsibility and cleared them after 2 yrs of burying his head in the sand

The living week to week I should have explained. After bills it's 200na week. Which is plenty. I've never had savings and I'm not fussed on ever having any. There are people worse off.
His parents have said. Once he has some thing in his mind he has tunnel vision and doesn't think the affect it has around him.

Yes I'm a sahm, because of the dynamics of the kids. As soon as school age I'd be back to my job hopefully.

However being a sahm doesn't mean to do literally everything.
I do everything. Literally everything. I'm exhausted.

I've been both sahp and currently working full time, I would a thousand times rather be a sahp. No commute, nobody else's agenda to work to or answer to, if you are overwhelmed and knackered the advice here is always 'have a TV and snacks day, relax, the world won't end with a day of peppa pig' somehow I can't see that happening at work!

You’re not fussed about having savings? Seriously?

I do everything. Literally everything. I'm exhausted

Well no you don’t. Single parents who work do everything. Your husband works and earns the money and you do the home and child care.

It sounds like your husband is trying to make the money, clear the debts and save up while you can. I have no idea what his business is, but recent events are testament to the fact that you never know what's around the corner or what services will be in demand in 6 months months time - even less.

You have a really tough job, but your husband is hardly off down the pub with his friends or playing golf. I do agree that routine is not sustainable though - could you put a reasonable goal in place, after which he could scale back and perhaps you could think about some PT work if you wanted time, away from the house, and mummy duties? The goal could be something along the lines of: debts paid off and x no of months expenditure or £x in savings? I'm not trying to trivialise your feelings and I know it's tough and lonely in your position.

Until mat leave. My job was local. No commute so was fortunate.
I became a sahm as he wanted to go back to his profession and the only one local was 8 till 6 m to f. And sat mornings.
There's zero flexibility for him to lower those hours. But he can do that self employed after hours but not use premises during open hours for his self employed part

I wasn't happy in debt the debts were in my name as he has poor credit rating.

And not fussed on savings.. Plenty of people. Don't have savings. Money isn't everything it really isn't.

Bills are always paid on time. The kids never ever go without. We out money aside for Xmas each month out of the salary but admitted he has added to it to do a few extra bits with the kids like events (if things are lifted),

I think I am being unreasonable, I know he's trying but like I say I think I'm just shattered. We do have down days of TV etc but sometimes that's worse as they get bored

You mention dsc - his child from another relationship?
If so that puts a very different slant on things

I've been a single parent and work. And I found it easier tbh.

I do majority for his dc too, school. Entertaining, cooking, baths etc.

Op there is no doubt it’s hard. But it’s hard for both of you that’s the point that’s being made. It was always going to be hard with this many children and low income.