Grandchildren and foster child

Serin · 13/11/2020 16:22

What a difficult situation but sadly not that uncommon with children in foster care. Could your Mum discuss it with her SW or does she not feel there is a problem?
Ultimately she is doing a very kind thing by helping this boy but I dont think it means she favours him over her own grandchildren.
What support does she have by way of babysitters so that she can have a day off and come to visit you.
Would respite be an option for her?

Needbettername · 13/11/2020 16:26

What do you suggest your Mum does with the Foster child? Send him back? She has made a commitment to help this child and cannot just give up as it is slightly inconvenient to you.

Procrastination4 · 13/11/2020 16:27

I’m a teacher(primary) and we had a case where a child (who happened to be in foster care) could not be sent on any messages or put in any situation where he would be in the company of younger children in our school. I’m sure that the same advice would have been given re any young relatives of his foster carers. So I don’t think that you and your husband are being in any way unreasonable. Your absolute priority is the well-being and safety of your children. I’m sorry that your mum is making you feel uncomfortable about the situation. There’s no way in earth that you should be putting your children at risk in any way whatsoever.

LyingDogsLie1 · 13/11/2020 16:29

Why is the setting not correct for the child? She is the one that owes an obligation/duty to this child as a foster parent. Not you.

Your Mums relationship with your own children and her contractual (or even moral) obligation to her Forster child are mutually exclusive. Why are you making it sound like it needs to be a choice?

Procrastination4 · 13/11/2020 16:31

However, having said that, I don’t think you should expect your mum to give up fostering this boy-having reread your post, I’m wondering is that what you’re hoping will happen? It’s a bad situation but it’s something that first time foster carers should be warned about, I think. I think foster parents are saints, from my experience of them!

user1493413286 · 13/11/2020 16:32

I think underneath all of this you need to remember that this is still a child who has been harmed by the very people supposed to love and protect him. Your boys have you while this child doesn’t have protective loving parents and at the moment just has your mum. Your mum obviously went into fostering to help children like this and it’s very difficult when you’ve been the one caring for them to just decide they need to be moved on. I think you’re putting your mum in an impossible position and could have found a better way around this.

Thatwentbadly · 13/11/2020 16:33

You want your Mum to break this foster arrangement and tell this abused child that she won’t look after him anymore.

Leaannb · 13/11/2020 16:33

The pettiness is real.....

Mittens030869 · 13/11/2020 16:36

It’s a tough situation, but what do you think your mum should do? She’s a foster carer and has committed herself to caring for children in care, some of whom will have complex needs.

Unluckyinlove2 · 13/11/2020 16:38

@2BoysLoading

I need an outside opinion. Apologies this is a long one.

I have 2 sons (at the time of this happening they were 1.5yrs and 3 months) my mother (61) is and has been a foster carer for 25+ years. Since April 2019 she has had an 8 year old boy who comes from a sexually abusive background and also has behavioural problems. Since the first netting both myself and husband have felt extremely uncomfortable around him.
My sons used to see my mum a few times a week and the eldest would stay over a couple nights a week. However since January we told my mum, we were no longer comfortable with our boys being around the foster child due to his behaviour which we had witnessed and heard about since April. (Violent outbursts, lying, stealing) We at no point said my mum could not see the boys, just that we didn’t want them building a relationship with him as he made us feel uneasy.
Due to the child’s behavioural issues it also meant he only went to school 3 days out of the week and only between 10-2.
My mum did not take this news well and decided that I had lost control in my life, therefore was trying to control hers (that’s the polite version), however I continued to bring my sons to see her but then lockdown happened. This meant no visits but also our relationship had broken down even more than before as I had no reason to be in contact with her.
Fast forward to July and my mum agrees that the foster child can not be in a household with younger children as he needs to be in an environment where he is the only child, and more specifically that he cannot be in a long term setting with younger boys due to jealousy. So she had confirmed our original concerns but he was still to remain. At this point, I wonder why she would still keep the child in this setting as it means we can never really function as a normal family.
Myself and my husband agreed that she could still see the boys as long as he was not around - but this proved difficult (due to the limited hours of my mums availability and my work hours) and awkward because I really can’t understand why the child is still there, when it is causing so much disruption. It feels like my mum has chosen the foster child over her grandchildren. Both myself and my husband feel the same way so for our own sanity we stopped the visits.
My mum thinks we are being unreasonable but I just want a peaceful life and any interaction with her makes me angry.
Help?
AIBU and I just need to get comfortable being uncomfortable around her for the sake of her relationship with my sons?
Is she BU and should have realised the setting is not correct for the foster child so made she could still have a normal relationship with me and the boys?
Sorry should add there have been 2 foster children before this that we had no issue with.
TIA

YADBU!! Who the fuck refers to a child as ‘it’. I can’t believe what I’ve just read. That poor child came from an environment that has clearly damaged him and he needs a loving and supportive home to rebuild and get over the trauma he has endured. Your mother is a foster carer it’s her job to do what she is doing. You do not get to dictate which child she can have in her home to suit your precious sons. If you feel they will be affected by his behaviour it’s your choice to keep them away and try to create a schedule that suits your mum and you for her to see the kids. In the mean time Have some sympathy for that poor child.

user1493413286 · 13/11/2020 16:41

@Procrastination4 do you mean unsupervised with younger children? To literally have no contact would be an odd risk management approach and not sustainable or effective in the long term. The OPs mother isn’t expecting it to be unsupervised by either her or the OP as far as I can understand. And what then happens to these children? They have to go to foster carers who don’t have children or grandchildren? That’s virtually impossible and how do they ever recover from their trauma if they are treated as the problem forever and moved around. How does that make them feel about themselves to be classed as a risk so blatantly.

StellaGib · 13/11/2020 16:43

The foster child needs to be in a placement with no younger children where he is the only child - and it sounds like he is.
Your mum has made a commitment to this little boy.

You can still visit with your children, you just need to make some adaptions to keep everyone safe eg you supervise the children and maybe keep visits brief.

Asking your mum to get rid of her foster child so she can babysit your children overnight is not reasonable.

LuaDipa · 13/11/2020 16:43

This is a difficulty situation and I really feel for you but I think yab a bit u.

Your dc have you to care for them. This child has no-one and has been through so much, I can completely understand your amazing dm not wanting to send him away.

GrumpyHoonMain · 13/11/2020 16:44

With all due respect OP it doesn’t matter what you want. Your mum has chosen the foster child’s wellbeing, rightly in my opinion, over your convenience. Buy childcare if you want a free night or two...assuming you can afford to.

Hope4theBestPlan4theWorst · 13/11/2020 16:46

@2BoysLoading
Hats off to your mum for taking on such a troubled boy and looking after him, that is to be commended I know I wouldn't do it especially at 61!!!! Especially if he's violent and with all the other negative behavioural traits

However

If this is affecting her own family she needs to make some choices here I wouldn't have my children anywhere near him

Perhaps she needs to think about the relationship with you and her children, maybe the foster child could have some respite on weekends and that's family time or some sort of arrangement??

Sending you big hugs 🤗

WotWouldCJDo · 13/11/2020 16:46

You're making this in to a zero sum game and there's no need for that to be so.

BeardieWeirdie · 13/11/2020 16:47

You think your mother should break her emotional commitment to this poor boy, not to mention cut her income that she receives for looking after him, so that she can babysit your children, who already have loving parents and have not been through the unspeakable trauma that this little boy has? You are being absolutely unreasonable. Yuck.

Jessbow · 13/11/2020 16:47

Poor Child, God Bless your Mum.

he's 8 for crying out loud, a small boys, traumatised by his previous life.

At the age your boys are, you are hardly going to leave them alone with him anyway. How on earth does this child ever start to rebuild a normaility with attitudes like yours?

I am absolutely gobsmaked, I truly am.

krankykittykat · 13/11/2020 16:48

'the child'
Ffs have some empathy.
He's had a horrific time in his short life and your mother is most likely the most stable relationship he has had.
You are being massively unreasonable.

RedMarauder · 13/11/2020 16:49

Is she BU and should have realised the setting is not correct for the foster child so made she could still have a normal relationship with me and the boys?

So she should put her adult daughter before the needs of a child?

You seem to forget that you are your childrens parent not your mother.

She doesn't have a duty to look after your children or even see them, and as PPs have pointed out she can see your children when the other boy is there as long as the children are supervised.

LyingDogsLie1 · 13/11/2020 16:50

OP didn’t refer to the child as it.

PawPawNoodle · 13/11/2020 16:50

Sounds like you have the hump because you won't have a free babysitter any more. Notwithstanding your need to protect your children, which is legitimate, your lack of empathy for a traumatised child is disgusting.

This meant no visits but also our relationship had broken down even more than before as I had no reason to be in contact with her - which essentially means 'she's no practical use to me to why bother keeping in contact with my own mother'. Charming.

Hailtomyteeth · 13/11/2020 16:52

Keep your children away from the foster child. If that means not seeing your mother, so be it.

Perhaps she sees fostering as her vocation. Who will care for that child if she doesn't? Your children have you and dh, the foster child only has your mother. She's trying to provide him with security, and might help him become a fully functioning adult.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/11/2020 16:52

”I really can’t understand why the child is still there, when it is causing so much disruption.”

@Unluckyinlove2 - I assume this is the sentence you are objecting to - but I think that, where the OP says ‘it’ she is referring to the situation, not the child - I think she is saying “I really can’t understand why the child is still there, when the situation/their presence is causing so much disruption.

ktp100 · 13/11/2020 16:53

YANBU to keep your children away if you have concerns.

YABU to think your Mum should send the foster child away so that you can play happy families.

Have a heart, FFS. Your kids would probably behave the same way if they'd been through what he has.