Grandchildren and foster child

[2BoysLoading]

I need an outside opinion. Apologies this is a long one.

I have 2 sons (at the time of this happening they were 1.5yrs and 3 months) my mother (61) is and has been a foster carer for 25+ years. Since April 2019 she has had an 8 year old boy who comes from a sexually abusive background and also has behavioural problems. Since the first netting both myself and husband have felt extremely uncomfortable around him.
My sons used to see my mum a few times a week and the eldest would stay over a couple nights a week. However since January we told my mum, we were no longer comfortable with our boys being around the foster child due to his behaviour which we had witnessed and heard about since April. (Violent outbursts, lying, stealing) We at no point said my mum could not see the boys, just that we didn’t want them building a relationship with him as he made us feel uneasy.
Due to the child’s behavioural issues it also meant he only went to school 3 days out of the week and only between 10-2.
My mum did not take this news well and decided that I had lost control in my life, therefore was trying to control hers (that’s the polite version), however I continued to bring my sons to see her but then lockdown happened. This meant no visits but also our relationship had broken down even more than before as I had no reason to be in contact with her.
Fast forward to July and my mum agrees that the foster child can not be in a household with younger children as he needs to be in an environment where he is the only child, and more specifically that he cannot be in a long term setting with younger boys due to jealousy. So she had confirmed our original concerns but he was still to remain. At this point, I wonder why she would still keep the child in this setting as it means we can never really function as a normal family.
Myself and my husband agreed that she could still see the boys as long as he was not around - but this proved difficult (due to the limited hours of my mums availability and my work hours) and awkward because I really can’t understand why the child is still there, when it is causing so much disruption. It feels like my mum has chosen the foster child over her grandchildren. Both myself and my husband feel the same way so for our own sanity we stopped the visits.
My mum thinks we are being unreasonable but I just want a peaceful life and any interaction with her makes me angry.
Help?
AIBU and I just need to get comfortable being uncomfortable around her for the sake of her relationship with my sons?
Is she BU and should have realised the setting is not correct for the foster child so made she could still have a normal relationship with me and the boys?
Sorry should add there have been 2 foster children before this that we had no issue with.
TIA

Thank you all for your responses including the ones where people felt it necessary to call me names.
The difficult part about putting a post up is it sadly doesn’t contain everything that has happened. But I take onboard everyone’s feedback, so thank you.

Having grown up with foster children my entire life I am fully aware of how lucky I am and have always loved having foster kids as a part of our lives and being able to be a foster sibling. Maybe because it is now my own children I have a different view. The previous foster child came from a very similar background and we did not have the same feeling around him. So please believe me when I say I totally understand this child background but that does mean my children should be around him, which my mum believes makes me unreasonable. I just want peace of mind and when the boys were there overnight with him, neither myself or my husband didn’t have that, so we decided to remove the boys from that situation.

I don’t believe this is the correct setting purely because my mum is now isolated from not only me and her grandchildren but her other family and friends (maybe we are all ‘something else’) because no one is comfortable around him. So I feel it isn’t fair to him.

I had no issues with my mum previous to me letting her know we weren’t comfortable having the boys around the foster child. My mum can’t see our point of view and so has become extremely frosty with me, which has made visits really uncomfortable. I posted this to get feedback so I will try again for the boys and my mum to see each other while the foster child is at school.

Thank you again.

[quote user1493413286]@Procrastination4 do you mean unsupervised with younger children? To literally have no contact would be an odd risk management approach and not sustainable or effective in the long term. The OPs mother isn’t expecting it to be unsupervised by either her or the OP as far as I can understand. And what then happens to these children? They have to go to foster carers who don’t have children or grandchildren? That’s virtually impossible and how do they ever recover from their trauma if they are treated as the problem forever and moved around. How does that make them feel about themselves to be classed as a risk so blatantly.[/quote]
In our situation it was “no contact” we were instructed. As his teacher it had me on tenterhooks as he used to loved helping with the younger classes and I always had to be coming up with reasons/other jobs for him to do. That would be unsustainable in a home setting though-it was difficult enough in school. Supervised contact would have to be the way to go, in a home setting. The whole thing is awful, though. That some children are in these awful situations as a result of the adults who brought them into the world... And don’t get me started on the fact that the “rights” of these individuals are given equal if not more weighting (in our country anyway) than the rights of their misfortunate children. (And as for the foster parents... the way they’re treated by social workers in my experience is disgraceful. )

@MoonJelly the OP has said that respite has broken down. In an ideal world there should be adequate respite care for children who exhibit challenging behaviour but social services are massively underfunded and on their knees.

I don’t believe this is the correct setting purely because my mum is now isolated from not only me and her grandchildren but her other family and friends (maybe we are all ‘something else’) because no one is comfortable around him. So I feel it isn’t fair to him.

Do you feel it would be different if he was in a different foster family? If you're worried about your mum being isolated could you visit for an hour at the weekend without your children? I understand you don't feel comfortable but could you manage that?

Your Mother is doing a brilliant, kind and generous thing for this little boy - I hope that her care helps him heal.
You should be really proud of her, not sniping about the inconvenience; offer support in whatever way you can - even if that's just on the end of the phone when she needs some moral support.
Yes, she has chosen her foster child over her grandchildren; maybe she thinks that they are lucky to have two caring (if small minded and mean spirited) parents, and the little boy needs her more.

^”I really can’t understand why the child is still there, when it is causing so much disruption.”

@HyacynthBucket - as I said to @Unluckyinlove2, I assume this is the sentence you are objecting to - but I think that, where the OP says ‘it’ she is referring to the situation, not the child - I think she is saying “I really can’t understand why the child is still there, when the situation/their presence is causing so much disruption.

I do absolutely think you are right not to want your boys staying there overnight. However, it might be possible to see your mum at other times (once Covid allows). For example visit her alone when yout and her children arein school, short visits with the children if you would be comfortable with that - I cant imagine he would be much of a risk to them if you were all in the same room together. Skype or Zoom chats/stories etc

the foster child can not be in a household with younger children as he needs to be in an environment where he is the only child, and more specifically that he cannot be in a long term setting with younger boys due to jealousy. So she had confirmed our original concerns but he was still to remain. At this point, I wonder why she would still keep the child in this setting as it means we can never really function as a normal family

I agree with you.

He would be better placed where the Foster carer does not have young grandchildren that normally visit regularly.

If I had GC I wouldn't consider doing this and I can understand how you feel.

OP, I’m a bit confused about why you think the setting’s not right for the foster child. You and your DC aren’t part of the setting

This. The foster child is^ in a single child family so his needs are being met that way. It sounds as if the OP is worried that her mum won't be able to provide free childcare see her children regularly. OP what you need to bear in mind though is that apart from this boy's complex needs, your mum is actually working whilst he is in her care and you need to respect that.

You're getting a hard time here OP. It sounds to me like you have spent your life sharing your mum with a succession of foster children and have done so graciously and willingly. I reckon you deserve some credit for that. I imagine you have a far deeper understanding of the issues faced by children in care than the majority of vipers who have attacked you here so on that basis I hope you know it's ok to ignore their spite.

Your mum probably loves this little boy and gets frosty because your comments may hurt her feelings and make her protective of him.

YANBU

@makingmammaries

I wouldn't like this situation either. A foster placement by its nature is not permanent. I think if your mother was that bothered about seeing her grandchildren she would request that the foster child be moved to a placement where there are no younger children in the family,

I agree with this.

Your mum is unreasonable for not realising that the issues this little boy has would impact on her relationship with her GC... and you by association.

I wouldn't want to visit her with my DC while the boy is present. I don't want to be on high alert the whole visit and not be able to relax for fear of them getting hurt by the boy.

Your kids are very young...are you meant to have your eyes glued on them the whole time.

As finding time that fits in with yours and your DMs working hours is difficult...she has to accept, it is what it is.

By having him with her, she has made a choice that she will see her GC a lot less or not at all...that's her choice to make...but she shouldn't have an issue with you not being happy about it.

That's very difficult. For all of you. The poor boy.

Are the issues violent/sexual? If you believe your children are in danger around him then you're right to keep them apart. Is he being supported by SS/care workers/mental health team?

Your mother is wonderful . She hasn't chosen him over your children though. They are your children, not hers. Apologies, if it sounds harsh.

He has been abused, do you have any compassion for him? I'd expect him to feel confused, unloved and unbelievably angry. At 8, more than enough time to make an incredible impact upon his future outcome with the right support system.

Foster children are so disadvantaged already, without being moved from place to place. I hope he can have all the help he needs with your mothers support. She's obviously determined to make a difference in this boy's life and I commend her for it.

I'm sorry you are finding the changes in your relationship difficult to deal with.

Your children have a loving, stable home. A grandmother is a wonderful addition, but far from a necessity. She has the chance to make a huge difference in this child’s life. Odds are he won’t be in her care forever. I would just work to find ways to visit when you can. If she has access to respite care she could use that to visit the grandkids.

I also think that as a foster carer it's important to think of the wider family...not just who lives in the house. It's also about the family members who provide you support as a foster carer.

It's about the regular interaction you as a foster carer have with family members who don't live with you and how a particular placement can affect those relationships too.

How sad that all her friends and family are avoiding her because they get a bad vibe from this kid. I completely understand getting a bad vibe btw, but I'd hope good friends and family would be able to put up with that for the sake of supporting your mum. No one seems to care much about her.

If he was placed elsewhere the same would probably happen and his new carer have no support.

Your mother sounds a truly wonderful caring loving lady, Pity you didn't take after her !!!!

@MoonJelly

Due to the child’s behavioural issues it also meant he only went to school 3 days out of the week and only between 10-2

Let your mother know that this is illegal. This child is entitled to a full time education; if the school can't cope with him, then all concerned should be looking urgently at a specialist placement. Do you know if he has an EHC Plan?

It's not illegal. That arrangement is likely to be part of his EHC and will be adapted as his behaviour improves.

I spent my entire career in specialist schools and this was not an unusual plan even for children who were placed with us.

Your mum is definitely unreasonable to pressure you to see her with your kids when the little boy is around and to be frosty with you about it - it isn't in anyone's interests.

BUT she isn't unreasonable to have given the little boy a home and he is lucky to have someone who would drop other important things for him. I hope that he feels more secure and is able to gradually improve around others, as it sounds as if your mum perhaps didn't realise the impact on the rest of her life.

You cant expect her to just get rid of him, he needs her. You just need to see her when he's not there and support her.

"I don’t believe this is the correct setting purely because my mum is now isolated from not only me and her grandchildren but her other family and friends (maybe we are all ‘something else’) because no one is comfortable around him. So I feel it isn’t fair to him."

I see why you find things so difficult.

This is really sad to read!
This little boy is 8 and in his 8 short years of life he has suffered so much trauma and abuse.
I understand that he can’t be placed with younger children but that doesn’t mean he can’t be in the same room as younger children as long as the adults supervise him and the children.
Couldn’t you suggest going out for a walk or to the park with your mum, your children and the foster child?
You say your mum is isolated why not try and organise activities with all the children together with the appropriate levels of supervision?
He is still a child, a deeply traumatised child who is unable to make sense of his early life history and lived experiences and the way they have and will continue to impact upon him for the rest of his life.

@Needbettername

What do you suggest your Mum does with the Foster child? Send him back? She has made a commitment to help this child and cannot just give up as it is slightly inconvenient to you.

No, perhaps not. But the Mum's choices have consequences and one of those (to which she agrees) is that the GC can not be around the FC so as a result of her decisions, she will have extremely limited access to her GC. It is completely reasonable that the OP is upset about this. Seeing your DC lose their relationship with your DM must be awful. It is hardly 'slightly inconvenient' and you know that. You just enjoy being sarcastic and make someone in a bad situation feel worse even though she created none of this.