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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandchildren and foster child

221 replies

2BoysLoading · 13/11/2020 15:55

I need an outside opinion. Apologies this is a long one.

I have 2 sons (at the time of this happening they were 1.5yrs and 3 months) my mother (61) is and has been a foster carer for 25+ years. Since April 2019 she has had an 8 year old boy who comes from a sexually abusive background and also has behavioural problems. Since the first netting both myself and husband have felt extremely uncomfortable around him.
My sons used to see my mum a few times a week and the eldest would stay over a couple nights a week. However since January we told my mum, we were no longer comfortable with our boys being around the foster child due to his behaviour which we had witnessed and heard about since April. (Violent outbursts, lying, stealing) We at no point said my mum could not see the boys, just that we didn’t want them building a relationship with him as he made us feel uneasy.
Due to the child’s behavioural issues it also meant he only went to school 3 days out of the week and only between 10-2.
My mum did not take this news well and decided that I had lost control in my life, therefore was trying to control hers (that’s the polite version), however I continued to bring my sons to see her but then lockdown happened. This meant no visits but also our relationship had broken down even more than before as I had no reason to be in contact with her.
Fast forward to July and my mum agrees that the foster child can not be in a household with younger children as he needs to be in an environment where he is the only child, and more specifically that he cannot be in a long term setting with younger boys due to jealousy. So she had confirmed our original concerns but he was still to remain. At this point, I wonder why she would still keep the child in this setting as it means we can never really function as a normal family.
Myself and my husband agreed that she could still see the boys as long as he was not around - but this proved difficult (due to the limited hours of my mums availability and my work hours) and awkward because I really can’t understand why the child is still there, when it is causing so much disruption. It feels like my mum has chosen the foster child over her grandchildren. Both myself and my husband feel the same way so for our own sanity we stopped the visits.
My mum thinks we are being unreasonable but I just want a peaceful life and any interaction with her makes me angry.
Help?
AIBU and I just need to get comfortable being uncomfortable around her for the sake of her relationship with my sons?
Is she BU and should have realised the setting is not correct for the foster child so made she could still have a normal relationship with me and the boys?
Sorry should add there have been 2 foster children before this that we had no issue with.
TIA

OP posts:
kathrynjanewaykicksass · 13/11/2020 20:17

My brother and sister in law foster a little girl who has had a horrific upbringing alongside their own ds. She can be very challenging and is a distant relation of sil.
It's a long term possibly entire childhood placement leading to guardianship. I love her to bits and consider/call her my niece, she is part of our family and she has now a loving family as opposed to being in a children's home where she was. She has a lot of issues and we never allow her and our children to be alone together. However as a family we spend a lot of time together and we actively encourage close friendships and interaction. It's a bit different for us as she is a distant relation. However I'm so proud to call her my niece :)
You are being heartless and awful- you can still have a relationship with your mum and bring your children over with your supervision. The little boy needs a loving home he's experienced what no child should experience- get to know him, what your mum is doing is amazing and could change his life.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 13/11/2020 20:19

Given your mum was a grandmother to two young children she saw regularly, it doesn't sound like she was a suitable option to foster this boy. He should never have been placed with her really.

kathrynjanewaykicksass · 13/11/2020 20:19

I do understand your reservations but you can be there all the time- you can still see your Mum. She's doing something very special you should support her and get to know the little fella

Original poster
2BoysLoading · 13/11/2020 20:23

I repeat this has nothing to do with her looking after the kids/ babysitting/ having them overnight - I removed them from a situation that I do not believe is safe.
I totally understand his background and have compassion for him, I would be heartless not to, which for the record I am not. But my mum is saying I am wrong for not trusting her to protect my children when they are around the foster child. We tried the boys staying there (April to January) and it made us uncomfortable so we decided we didn’t want to feel like that just so my mum can have the boys overnight (she wanted them not us needing or wanting them to kept overnight). I had children, they are my responsibility and I don’t expect anyone else to look after them - although always appreciated if someone does.
My concern is she cannot watch them every single minute and over the months (this was not a knee jerk reaction) we were all in each other’s company the foster child displayed worrying behaviour (which is to be expected).
I suppose like many people on this thread my mum has the same thoughts about providing the best environment for this child, I am only trying to do the same for my sons. My mum wants to see her GC but feels it is unfair that we won’t let them stay overnight, which is part of the reason our relationship has broken down.
I have been in contact with her tonight suggesting post lockdown she can see the boys while the foster child is at school.

OP posts:
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 13/11/2020 20:29

OP I think you have been treated unfairly here.

I completely understand how hurt you feel. In most families grandparents love their grandkids to bits - millions of people would not accept a situation where they had a foster child who could not be trusted around their own grandchildren.

Two wrongs dont make a right. The many wrongs this boy had suffered dont make it ok for your boys to lose much of their contact with a loving grandma.

There are lots of fosterers out there who are childless, have teenage children or adult children who haven't yet had their own children, who would be a more suitable setting to meet this boys complex needs.

By placing him with your mum they are doing him a disservice as the issues his behaviour is causing may contribute to the placement failing.

legalseagull · 13/11/2020 20:29

Tbh I think you sound pretty horrible. That poor child. Also - your relationship broke up further after your kids couldn't see her due to lockdown because "you had no reason to talk to her anymore" bloody hell OP. Your mum is doing an amazing thing for this poor child. He's her responsibility, your DCs are yours. You want her to send him back. How cruel

LittleLadyCece · 13/11/2020 20:34

I completely understand your parental concern about your boys and not letting them stay overnight. Your mum is BU not to respect that.

However.......

I don’t believe this is the correct setting purely because my mum is now isolated from not only me and her grandchildren but her other family and friends (maybe we are all ‘something else’) because no one is comfortable around him. So I feel it isn’t fair to him.

You're talking about an 8 year old child whose had a clearly traumatic childhood. Its so sad that because you and other people feel uncomfortable you think he should be removed again causing more psychological damage. You need to work with your mum not against her - try and find some middle ground like people have suggested - meet with the child is in school. Good luck you've taking a beating tonight OP some of which was unfair Flowers

MitziK · 13/11/2020 20:34

YANBU.

However, your boys have a loving mother and a safe home. That damaged, wounded child doesn't, so neither is your mother, as she is trying to give him what he didn't have from the people who should have been able to provide.

Chestnutpony · 13/11/2020 20:37

I think you've reached a good compromise, OP - it's a difficult situation. Your mum is quite right to stand by her boy, but she is unreasonable not to see the risks to her GC. I would not be allowing my children to have sleep overs in this situation, and I think that your mother's inability to understand your concerns is an issue.

Dillydallyingthrough · 13/11/2020 20:40

YANBU OP, I think you've had quite a hard time on here. You have to protect your DC. I obviously feel for the child in this situation but if the placement isn't right then as you said it is doing him a disservice.

I imagine it must be quite painful to feel your DM has put someone else above you/DGC but your DMs probably a bit hurt as she thinks maybe you don't trust her to look after her own DGC? Your DM is in a difficult position of knowing this isn't the right placement but trying to do her best for the child and missing her DGC.

Original poster
2BoysLoading · 13/11/2020 20:41

I’m guessing a lot of you don’t know how the care system works. Also interesting that my mum’s experience is considered and not mine - as the children fostered have always been close to my age so we had important relationships also. But I have taken onboard all your comments and there are a few more points I could add that would maybe stop all the insults but I just needed an opinion on the visits between my mum and my sons, giving a very general overview of the situation.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 13/11/2020 20:43

Your DM is unreasonable expecting things to stay the same for sleepovers and visits it is naive of her to think it can.
Besides you mention there has been other FDC this one is violent I'm a firm believer in listening to your gut.
I do feel very sorry for the DC.

LittleGungHo · 13/11/2020 20:46

Could you and your mum meet in the park with all of the boys? A neutral place where they could have fun for an hour.
I am sure for the Forster child it would be intense having 2 other boys staying for the night in his home.

Supersimkin2 · 13/11/2020 20:48

YANBU OP. I don't think many people realise what 'difficult behaviour' can mean, and how dangerous it is to smaller DC.

The poor FC will doubtless start to heal in DM's care, which is the headline issue here. But right now your DM is BU demanding that at this point he's put in a situation where he could lash out at younger DC who come round - that's not on. No, her DGC shouldn't be first on the visitor list.

Skype, is all.

OneForMeToo · 13/11/2020 20:51

I was raised in care although family care and tbh she is picking this child over everything else which may be nice for now her and him but in the future leaves a very lonely old lady.

By the time she’s able to actually properly have a relationship with the dgc they may not want one. I speak from experience here my oldest went from number 1 to ohhhh baby cousins so go away and now he barely says hi if they come round abs that’s with pestering and telling him to be nice. He feels they care about him and favoured another child a d made them priority so why should he care about them now they have the time and frankly I don’t disagree with him.

seayork2020 · 13/11/2020 20:52

I would pay for childcare and a accept it is not a competition, your mum is putting this child needs first because it is a necessity. It is not about you

LauraBassi · 13/11/2020 20:53

Your mum is an angel. And I applaud women like her.

I dont blame you for not wanting to take your dc whilst he is there - I probably wouldn’t either. But keep on trying to find ways around it eg. Whilst he is at school, Skype, letter ect.. your dc have you, dh and a granny on the side lines, this poor chap has just her.

My friend fosters and has a very challenging nine year old. These people really don’t get the recognition they deserve.

missymousey · 13/11/2020 20:53

YANBU to keep your children away from the older boy, and to feel sad that this impacts your relationship with your mum. But YABVVU to try to get your mum to deny a terribly traumatised child the chance of a stable caring home with her. She is doing a very important and demanding job and if she has managed to build a good relationship with the boy then he needs her more than you can imagine

NerrSnerr · 13/11/2020 20:54

OP, no one is disputing that you should keep your children safe and your mum shouldn't insist on having them round. What people are frustrated with is you saying that the placement isn't working and he shouldn't stay.

OneForMeToo · 13/11/2020 20:57

People seem to forget what happens once these hit 18 or once they get arrested. Must be nice virtual signalling.

As the child who’s live the care system SS don’t give a shiny shite what the child actually needs as long as an adult claims it’s all ok. Just because sops mum says it’s fine doesn’t mean the child is actually doing ok. The second help was asked for for a new trauma SS said that’s your problem and once I hit adulthood bye bye not our problem.

LauraBassi · 13/11/2020 21:00

@2BoysLoading

I’m guessing a lot of you don’t know how the care system works. Also interesting that my mum’s experience is considered and not mine - as the children fostered have always been close to my age so we had important relationships also. But I have taken onboard all your comments and there are a few more points I could add that would maybe stop all the insults but I just needed an opinion on the visits between my mum and my sons, giving a very general overview of the situation.
I also want to add it must have been tough at some points growing up with other children that were not siblings that had to be put as priority.

We did look in to it as I was at home with the children but a SS friend told me not to as it would disrupt my dds life.

Speedyspunker · 13/11/2020 21:02

Why are most of you missing the point that the OP has grown up in a home into which foster children have always been welcomed? She is well aware this isn't all about her. She has spent her life being aware of the trauma suffered by children taken into care - much more so than the majority of you who have gone for the jugular. I would wager the OP is actually being incredibly discreet here and her mention of difficult behaviour is a highly euphemistic reference to the dark place this poor child is probably in and it's potential consequences for any younger children he might spend time with.

SnuggyBuggy · 13/11/2020 21:07

It sounds like it's the grandma here who is reluctant to find a middle ground after the sleepovers stopped rather than the OP.

Snaileyes · 13/11/2020 21:08

@Speedyspunker

Why are most of you missing the point that the OP has grown up in a home into which foster children have always been welcomed? She is well aware this isn't all about her. She has spent her life being aware of the trauma suffered by children taken into care - much more so than the majority of you who have gone for the jugular. I would wager the OP is actually being incredibly discreet here and her mention of difficult behaviour is a highly euphemistic reference to the dark place this poor child is probably in and it's potential consequences for any younger children he might spend time with.
What’s the alternative? Send him back?

Her mother clearly feels she she can help. It’s actually no one else’s business.

Original poster
2BoysLoading · 13/11/2020 21:18

He should stay now. It would absolutely be unfair on him for the placement to break down now. I’m not disputing that - however in the beginning it was clear that it was not the right situation for him, when assessing a placement you can’t just base it on the help you feel you can provide you should consider how it affects your normal family life and how the child will fit into your normal life - feels like my mum did not do that. And tbh neither did social services.
He is doing better now because other family members (my younger sons) are not present, he is now the only child in the household so he has all the attention. This is what he needs or to be in a household where there are only older children, I again do not dispute that but as a previous poster mentioned there are families out there who have older children, or no children, who are younger than my mum who would be a better fit for him.
Yes it is absolutely brilliant that my mum wants to make his life better, and the same for all the previous children she has done that for.

OP posts: