Grandchildren and foster child

[2BoysLoading]

I need an outside opinion. Apologies this is a long one.

I have 2 sons (at the time of this happening they were 1.5yrs and 3 months) my mother (61) is and has been a foster carer for 25+ years. Since April 2019 she has had an 8 year old boy who comes from a sexually abusive background and also has behavioural problems. Since the first netting both myself and husband have felt extremely uncomfortable around him.
My sons used to see my mum a few times a week and the eldest would stay over a couple nights a week. However since January we told my mum, we were no longer comfortable with our boys being around the foster child due to his behaviour which we had witnessed and heard about since April. (Violent outbursts, lying, stealing) We at no point said my mum could not see the boys, just that we didn’t want them building a relationship with him as he made us feel uneasy.
Due to the child’s behavioural issues it also meant he only went to school 3 days out of the week and only between 10-2.
My mum did not take this news well and decided that I had lost control in my life, therefore was trying to control hers (that’s the polite version), however I continued to bring my sons to see her but then lockdown happened. This meant no visits but also our relationship had broken down even more than before as I had no reason to be in contact with her.
Fast forward to July and my mum agrees that the foster child can not be in a household with younger children as he needs to be in an environment where he is the only child, and more specifically that he cannot be in a long term setting with younger boys due to jealousy. So she had confirmed our original concerns but he was still to remain. At this point, I wonder why she would still keep the child in this setting as it means we can never really function as a normal family.
Myself and my husband agreed that she could still see the boys as long as he was not around - but this proved difficult (due to the limited hours of my mums availability and my work hours) and awkward because I really can’t understand why the child is still there, when it is causing so much disruption. It feels like my mum has chosen the foster child over her grandchildren. Both myself and my husband feel the same way so for our own sanity we stopped the visits.
My mum thinks we are being unreasonable but I just want a peaceful life and any interaction with her makes me angry.
Help?
AIBU and I just need to get comfortable being uncomfortable around her for the sake of her relationship with my sons?
Is she BU and should have realised the setting is not correct for the foster child so made she could still have a normal relationship with me and the boys?
Sorry should add there have been 2 foster children before this that we had no issue with.
TIA

Firstly, I completely understand your concerns.

But, bravo to your mum for keeping this child in a safe and loving environment.

Feels like the compromise is that your mum sees your boys as and when she can (alone) and you accept the reduced contact for the sake of the foster child and his stability. I know it feels like your family is missing out but tbh many children don’t have a close relationship with their gp’s for various reasons and they are fine.

@KiriAndLou

Poor little lad. You want him uprooted- again shattering his trust that he can ever let his guard down, that anything good in his life will ever be permanent- because he had issues due to past abuse and you want free childcare?

Dear me, OP, have a heart.

This.

i thought op meant her mother knows he cant be around younger children but still wants her gc round hers which wouldnt work

or have i misread

The young boy is not in the right setting for you, a grown up. It sounds like he absolutely is in the right setting for him, a child.

I am currently working with a foster child. His self esteem is rock bottom and he feels like he is worth no one's attention. He has been in foster care, out of his neglectful and abusive family home, for just 4 years. It is so very difficult for a child to build relationships when they don't know when they're going to be uprooted next, when their families have neglected and abused them to the point where the child self Harms. Where they steal because it was the only way they managed to get something to eat.

As an adult you have experienced the love and care of a constant family. Your mum has given you this and now she wants to share herself with a child who has likely never had anyone they can rely on. It just makes you seem petty and jealous.

Does your mum have a spouse or partner? Could they look after the boy, take him out for a few hours, while you and your boys spend time with your mum? And if her spouse is your father? Could they take it in turns so you spend time with both? With occasional respite so you can spend time with them both.

She has made an active choice of the foster child so the consequences flow from that. It is as it is so your children will see less of her.

You don't sound very nice, OP.

You and your DCs can still see your mum. Yes, it's a bit trickier and a bit more inconvenient, but it can be done. And it's not because she's being difficult, it's because her job involves trying to help a child who is desperately in need of love, care and stability. You should be proud of your mum, not pissed off that she's not babysitting for you every week.

It sounds like the situation has developed (ie over time it has become clear that the foster child cannot be in a household with younger children) and she has not ‘chosen’ the child over yours. You can’t expect her to dispose of the child. You need to act like an adult and find times for her to see your children when the foster child is not there (and hopefully with time he can safely spend time with them in a controlled setting). You should be proud of what she is doing, providing a poor child and secure place to live after what he has been through, not making her life harder. I think you are seeing this entirely from your own perspective and need to step back.

Wow op ,your something else.
Your mum is doing an amazing thing for that little boy
Have you no kindness in your heart for him
Can you not even try to understand what he has been through
You can still visit with your boys just keep an eye on them .

Unfortunately due to his behaviour any respite offered has broken down. So the only respite is when he is at school.

Other friends and family who have helped out with the previous foster children, find this particular child extremely difficult to deal with so don’t volunteer to take him.

The setting could be perfect for that little boy who has had such a horrible start to life. Your mum could be providing just the nurturing therapeutic environment he needs. As others have said she had made a commitment to him to keep him safe until his long term solution comes along. Him being moved to another setting with do more damage to this already damaged little boy.

That being said you have to do what is right by you and yours.

If it were me I would ensure that they maintained their relationship with their grandmother by providing time for her to spend time with them with me there. I'd also be talking to my own kids about differences in behaviors and explaining how wonderful the thing their grandmother does is.

You should be proud of her not putting pressure on her because you feel she had made your life uncomfortable.

(Adoptive parent of a traumatised child)

i think you need to grieve for the family life you thought your sons would have
You know your mum can't give up on this child and long term you are going to have to accept it

@makingmammaries

I wouldn't like this situation either. A foster placement by its nature is not permanent. I think if your mother was that bothered about seeing her grandchildren she would request that the foster child be moved to a placement where there are no younger children in the family, and help him by preparing him for the move.

Lots of foster placements are longterm, my sons birth siblings will remain with their foster carer until they choose to leave as adults.

I think having fostered this boy she needs to stick with him, he's been through enough. It may mean for a time not seeing her often, but she has a responsibility.

I also know that if they are not in the right setting, it is a disservice to them.

Why are you sure it's not the right setting for the child?

@2BoysLoading. I am going to suggest googling attachment disorder and reading up on why this 8 year old is behaving the way he does. I suspect there is an awful lot about his home life that hasn't been shared with you.

@2BoysLoading

Unfortunately due to his behaviour any respite offered has broken down. So the only respite is when he is at school.

Other friends and family who have helped out with the previous foster children, find this particular child extremely difficult to deal with so don’t volunteer to take him.

So your mum is being a constant in his young life when other options aren't possible. I think she is to be commended rather than condemned. It does read as if you think she should "return" the boy just when he's actually in a stable placement where his needs are being prioritised. He's a human being just like your boys are.

YANBU. I would put my own children's safety above all others. But your mum is devoted to her work and so her reaction makes sense in a way.

Can you (when lockdown is over) suggest coming over with your DC for very short, structured periods (e.g. an hour for tea and cake or two hours to watch a film and eat pizza.) Stay in the room with your DC all the time and be ready to leave if he is ever dangerous.

If at all possible, try and keep a relationship with your mum.

I have a lot of sympathy for you OP. It is a really difficult situation and you are coming to terms with your relationship with your mother changing because of your new foster brother. She can’t be the mum and grandma you expected anymore. There is an episode of the Philippa Perry podcast where she talks to a couple who adopted a very troubled boy. They had a much older daughter too. It’s heartbreaking hearing how it affected their relationship with their daughter but they said they would never ever give up on their adopted son. Perhaps your mum feels that way about her foster son.
Be gentle with yourself as you deal with these changes

YANBU to want to ensure there is no unsupervised contact between the foster child and your children. Thet is sensible and would likely be advised anyway (if they were your mothers children rather than your own she would not be fostering a child older than them anyway, let alone one with his background. It is unsuitable).
YABVU and selfish if you think that your mother should change her fostering arrangement in order for you to function as a "normal family". What does that mean anyway? I live in a different country to my son's grandparents but they skype regularly and visit when they can. Lots of other friends parents are still working full time and therefore are not available. Your children have two loving parents who can look after them. The child you talk about has only your mother, and she is looking after him. You can (and did) still visit, but you seem to think she should be committing fully to your children and maybe babysitting them. That isnt her responsibility. Its yours.

Your mother is doing the right thing for this little boy and you are doing the right thing for children. Your mother has made her choice.

It sounds like your mum is in a really difficult situation. This boy sounds incredibly damaged and troubled. She will also be aware through her training that this boy needs to learn to form attachments and develop healthy relationships with other adults and children, and at the back of her mind will be the fear of letting this child down setting back any progress or doing further harm to him.

I understand how you must feel rejected and distanced from her, but she's in a really tricky position. Perhaps it's time to look for other ways to keep in contact for now - video calls, sharing photos and videos. Letting her know you understand the need to stay distant, but that you miss her. She must feel very alone dealing with all this by herself. You may need to be the one to step up and take care of her a little bit, even if remotely.

Due to the child’s behavioural issues it also meant he only went to school 3 days out of the week and only between 10-2

Let your mother know that this is illegal. This child is entitled to a full time education; if the school can't cope with him, then all concerned should be looking urgently at a specialist placement. Do you know if he has an EHC Plan?

I think you should read Lemn Sissay's memoir about growing up in foster care. It is called, My Name is Why.
He is now one of our most renowned poets and internationally famous. As a young boy, his foster carers gave him back to the system at twelve years old. He has never forgiven them.
He is a very public and respected figure now. He is Chancellor of Manchester University and is regularly in the public eye.
Many foster carers do a fantastic job with very troubled children. Your mother has probably saved this little boy. I hope she is given an OBE in recognition of the amazing work she does. You should be so proud of her.

I'd suggest your mother talk to the council about short breaks and respite care. There should be a care plan in place for this child anyway, and it's entirely reasonable to ask for respite particularly given how tough it must have been during lockdown. She could then use the time when he has respite care to see her grandchildren.

YABU. It is not about you, or your children.