Grandchildren and foster child

[2BoysLoading]

I need an outside opinion. Apologies this is a long one.

I have 2 sons (at the time of this happening they were 1.5yrs and 3 months) my mother (61) is and has been a foster carer for 25+ years. Since April 2019 she has had an 8 year old boy who comes from a sexually abusive background and also has behavioural problems. Since the first netting both myself and husband have felt extremely uncomfortable around him.
My sons used to see my mum a few times a week and the eldest would stay over a couple nights a week. However since January we told my mum, we were no longer comfortable with our boys being around the foster child due to his behaviour which we had witnessed and heard about since April. (Violent outbursts, lying, stealing) We at no point said my mum could not see the boys, just that we didn’t want them building a relationship with him as he made us feel uneasy.
Due to the child’s behavioural issues it also meant he only went to school 3 days out of the week and only between 10-2.
My mum did not take this news well and decided that I had lost control in my life, therefore was trying to control hers (that’s the polite version), however I continued to bring my sons to see her but then lockdown happened. This meant no visits but also our relationship had broken down even more than before as I had no reason to be in contact with her.
Fast forward to July and my mum agrees that the foster child can not be in a household with younger children as he needs to be in an environment where he is the only child, and more specifically that he cannot be in a long term setting with younger boys due to jealousy. So she had confirmed our original concerns but he was still to remain. At this point, I wonder why she would still keep the child in this setting as it means we can never really function as a normal family.
Myself and my husband agreed that she could still see the boys as long as he was not around - but this proved difficult (due to the limited hours of my mums availability and my work hours) and awkward because I really can’t understand why the child is still there, when it is causing so much disruption. It feels like my mum has chosen the foster child over her grandchildren. Both myself and my husband feel the same way so for our own sanity we stopped the visits.
My mum thinks we are being unreasonable but I just want a peaceful life and any interaction with her makes me angry.
Help?
AIBU and I just need to get comfortable being uncomfortable around her for the sake of her relationship with my sons?
Is she BU and should have realised the setting is not correct for the foster child so made she could still have a normal relationship with me and the boys?
Sorry should add there have been 2 foster children before this that we had no issue with.
TIA

As a foster mum I love my fosterlings as much as I love my birth children and I would find it extremely difficult faced with the decisions you seem to want your mum to make. I think I would err on the side of the young, traumatised child as to send him packing would only add to the damage he has already suffered and I wouldn't want to be party to that. I would want to explore every other way of seeing my grandchildren too though, does your mum have a back-up or respite carer?

@RedMarauder

Is she BU and should have realised the setting is not correct for the foster child so made she could still have a normal relationship with me and the boys?

So she should put her adult daughter before the needs of a child?

You seem to forget that you are your childrens parent not your mother.

She doesn't have a duty to look after your children or even see them, and as PPs have pointed out she can see your children when the other boy is there as long as the children are supervised.

You seem to have forgotten the GC.YOu talk about putting the adult daughter before the foster child. How about putting her GRANDCHILDRENin the picture, Huh? Perhaps the GM and GC want a relationship but this seems impossible now.

I think your mother is INCREDIBLE / and would be so proud of her for fostering and focusing on a child with so many challenging issues (even to the detriment of my family life).

I found your OP actually moving in the dedication she is bringing to fostering and helping the boy. I hope she is able to bring about change for him and a new stability,

Your mother rocks and you just need to about that her foster child is her immediate family and priority for the moment

Thanks all,
I have reached out to my mum so she can see the boys when the foster child is at school - we have tried this before but I will happily try again (also when I say the child - I’m not really sure how else I’m meant to refer to him as I obviously can’t use names).

I know what type of person I am - not as any of the insults describe, so I will take them on the chin. Maybe I am being overprotective but if something was to happen to my boys because I didn’t trust my gut instinct I would never forgive myself.

Where does she call the child 'it'? I've read several times and can't see.

I've read all your responses but not all the replies.
If my mother chose another (not birth) child over myself, grandchildren, then I would let her get on with it. If she wants to sacrifice her relationship with me/my children then I would not forgive her. I'd question her motives. She would be nothing to me. Can she not see the damage she is doing? I feel so sorry for you.

@CanSomeoneElsePickMyName There is one post where it could be interpreted that way, but I think the OP is talking about the situation rather than the foster son.

Maybe you could have used another name, OP, to make it more personal?

@NiceandCalm

I've read all your responses but not all the replies. If my mother chose another (not birth) child over myself, grandchildren, then I would let her get on with it. If she wants to sacrifice her relationship with me/my children then I would not forgive her. I'd question her motives. She would be nothing to me. Can she not see the damage she is doing? I feel so sorry for you.

Oh my - no good deed goes unpunished

@2BoysLoading I think everyone agrees with you that you should ensure the boys are safe. This doesn't mean that your mum should stop caring for the other boy. He has lived with her for nearly 2 years now, and you've said upthread now he's improving. As he moves towards his teens the chances of him finding a long term, stable foster carer will reduce (especially as I imagine transitioning to a new carer will be really traumatic for him).

You said your mum is isolated from everyone. Could you go and see her without your boys?

Jeezo how did a woman as compassionate and caring as your Mum raise someone as self centred and unaware as you ? 🙄

@NiceandCalm The OP's mum is a foster carer, which is a more than a job, it's a vocation. I think that what's needed is respite care so that she can have a break and see her DD and DGC.

I haven’t read everyone’s comments but I’m slightly staggered at you, OP.

You said there was no need to be in contact with your mum if she wasn’t looking after your children. Did I read that right?

It seems that it’s only you who has decided this poor child isn’t in the right setting. No one else.

This is all about what suits you. Your mum has fostered for many, many years. You must know she can’t just send him back because her daughter doesn’t really like him and wants her to look after her children instead. That child has possibly had one of the most appalling starts in life. Have you no compassion for that? Do you not think that your mum may be able to give him some of the stability and love that he obviously desperately needs and that it might just help him and mean his life isn’t already ruined?

Yab outrageous.
It sounds like you are put out that you can’t leave your children with your mum, including overnight, because you feel uncomfortable. And right now that might well be justified. But, this little boy has had a terribly traumatic time. That will impact THE REST OF HIS LIFE. So pardon me if I think you are selfish to be pissed off about not having a baby sitter. You can still have “normal” family time. With you and your husband present.
No wonder some kids feel like shit and unwanted.

Your mum is doing exactly the right thing for this boy. He needs someone who is not going to give up on him the moment his behaviour presents a challenge which is probably what everyone else in his life has done.
He will be waiting for her to send him away too. Someone suggested respite for him but that also may not be the right thing for the little boy right now as he needs consistency.

I can understand that this makes it harder for you and your family and there aren't any easy answers but please don't judge your mum or put pressure on her to end this placement.

OP - your primary duty and responsibility is to protect your children at any cost. If that means a breakdown of relationship with your mum so be it. I would always trust my instincts regarding the safety of my children.

I would be sad if my mum couldn't have a close relationship with my kids. Sad for her, sad for them, sad for me because I love seeing them together. So I don't think you are being completely U here op.

But you can't have your kids around the foster kid, everyone agrees. Apart from your mum by the sounds of it. What a shame.

Does she honestly not see a problem? You would think that with her years of experience she would have an instinct for situations which work and don't.

YABVU. The foster child is only 8 and has been through significant trauma which is why his behaviour is how it is. Frequent moves between foster homes will further the trauma and make recovery even more difficult for him -- your mum's home would have been vetted to make sure it was appropriate for him and as she doesn't live with any other children, it sounds like it is! Your need (want?) for her help with childcare doesn't supercede her obligation to him as his foster parent. Foster children often come with trauma and complex needs. If she required placement with a child that could be left alone with younger children that should have been discussed long before he was placed with her.

Sorry but it sounds like you think he should just be moved to a new placement because he is causing you inconvenience, and this is just not reasonable given the additional trauma this will cause him.

Maybe she can seek support from her caseworker to see if respite is available for her whilst she visits with you/your children. If this is causing a massive issue, maybe she should discuss it with her caseworker so that it can be considered for future placements. But you cannot just remove a foster child because it's inconvenient. It doesn't work like that.

I actually think neither of you are in the wrong here.

She has a responsibility to look after this boy who needs love and care more than most other children.
You also have a responsibility to protect your own children as best as you can.

If this was the other way around and it was your child that was the problem how would you want your mum to react?

I feel like you have given her an ultimatum that it’s either all or nothing - surely there’s a happy medium?

I don’t believe this is the correct setting purely because my mum is now isolated from not only me and her grandchildren but her other family and friends (maybe we are all ‘something else’) because no one is comfortable around him. So I feel it isn’t fair to him.

Would it be fairer to him to remove him from his first secure and supportive, possibly even loving, relationship and send him to start all over again with a new parent? If his behaviour isolates his carers from friends and family, the same will happen again with the new family but he will be a couple of years older and with another failed placement behind him. That would be tragic for him.

I understand that you feel hurt by this situation and your boys are missing out on the relationship they had with your DM but this little lad has an awful lot more to lose than any of you.

I hope you succeed in rebuilding your relationship with your DM.

then came lockdown so I had no reason to be in contact I’m paraphrasing slightly but find this really strange. Surely it was a time that your DM, coping alone with a disturbed little boy might have really valued calls from you or video calls with her grandsons?

You must know that if this child is returned to the care system he will once again be rejected and face massive difficulties. Quite possibly ending up either moving over and over again or in a Home?

Just find ways to facilitate your children seeing their granny and think about offering her some support. Her life sounds hard and you are making it harder.

@2BoysLoading

Thank you all for your responses including the ones where people felt it necessary to call me names. The difficult part about putting a post up is it sadly doesn’t contain everything that has happened. But I take onboard everyone’s feedback, so thank you.

Having grown up with foster children my entire life I am fully aware of how lucky I am and have always loved having foster kids as a part of our lives and being able to be a foster sibling. Maybe because it is now my own children I have a different view. The previous foster child came from a very similar background and we did not have the same feeling around him. So please believe me when I say I totally understand this child background but that does mean my children should be around him, which my mum believes makes me unreasonable. I just want peace of mind and when the boys were there overnight with him, neither myself or my husband didn’t have that, so we decided to remove the boys from that situation.

I don’t believe this is the correct setting purely because my mum is now isolated from not only me and her grandchildren but her other family and friends (maybe we are all ‘something else’) because no one is comfortable around him. So I feel it isn’t fair to him.

I had no issues with my mum previous to me letting her know we weren’t comfortable having the boys around the foster child. My mum can’t see our point of view and so has become extremely frosty with me, which has made visits really uncomfortable. I posted this to get feedback so I will try again for the boys and my mum to see each other while the foster child is at school.

Thank you again.

So your Mum isn’t just not seeing your children, she’s becoming socially isolated from other family and friends “because no one is comfortable around him” (para 3)? And no one will offer respite care due to his behaviour?

This places a different angle on the situation IMO. I’d be genuinely worried about your Mum. She needs additional support from somewhere if his behaviour is so challenging. If he stays with her long-term, he could easily be taller and stronger then her in a few years- my DS (12) could easily overpower me. Hopefully he’ll be feeling more secure by then then, but preteens can be extremely moody-if he lashed out at her in anger, he could seriously hurt her and that would damage both of them (mentally in his case).

Rather than keep mentioning contact with her GC, could you talk further with your Mum about getting additional support? She mustn’t get too isolated.

I can’t imagine a grown ass adult being jealous of a traumatised child but here we are!

Op you received a slating on here which I didn't think you deserved. As much as your mum is great for doing this for so long, posters here have forgotten that you were a child who grew up in this environment and you had to sacrifice as well.
I hope you and your mum find some solution that works.

You're right to trust your instinct.
I'm glad you have come to a compromise for your DM to see her DGC.
I'm sure she is in a horrible situation to go against her conscious committing to helping this DC.
Your frustration and concern is understandable too.

@boireannach

Jeezo how did a woman as compassionate and caring as your Mum raise someone as self centred and unaware as you ? 🙄

Thats really unkind!!! The OP's first recourse is the protection of her own children. It's no less than you would expect of your mother so get a grip and stop giving her a hard time. Put yourself in her situation.