Grandchildren and foster child

[2BoysLoading]

I need an outside opinion. Apologies this is a long one.

I have 2 sons (at the time of this happening they were 1.5yrs and 3 months) my mother (61) is and has been a foster carer for 25+ years. Since April 2019 she has had an 8 year old boy who comes from a sexually abusive background and also has behavioural problems. Since the first netting both myself and husband have felt extremely uncomfortable around him.
My sons used to see my mum a few times a week and the eldest would stay over a couple nights a week. However since January we told my mum, we were no longer comfortable with our boys being around the foster child due to his behaviour which we had witnessed and heard about since April. (Violent outbursts, lying, stealing) We at no point said my mum could not see the boys, just that we didn’t want them building a relationship with him as he made us feel uneasy.
Due to the child’s behavioural issues it also meant he only went to school 3 days out of the week and only between 10-2.
My mum did not take this news well and decided that I had lost control in my life, therefore was trying to control hers (that’s the polite version), however I continued to bring my sons to see her but then lockdown happened. This meant no visits but also our relationship had broken down even more than before as I had no reason to be in contact with her.
Fast forward to July and my mum agrees that the foster child can not be in a household with younger children as he needs to be in an environment where he is the only child, and more specifically that he cannot be in a long term setting with younger boys due to jealousy. So she had confirmed our original concerns but he was still to remain. At this point, I wonder why she would still keep the child in this setting as it means we can never really function as a normal family.
Myself and my husband agreed that she could still see the boys as long as he was not around - but this proved difficult (due to the limited hours of my mums availability and my work hours) and awkward because I really can’t understand why the child is still there, when it is causing so much disruption. It feels like my mum has chosen the foster child over her grandchildren. Both myself and my husband feel the same way so for our own sanity we stopped the visits.
My mum thinks we are being unreasonable but I just want a peaceful life and any interaction with her makes me angry.
Help?
AIBU and I just need to get comfortable being uncomfortable around her for the sake of her relationship with my sons?
Is she BU and should have realised the setting is not correct for the foster child so made she could still have a normal relationship with me and the boys?
Sorry should add there have been 2 foster children before this that we had no issue with.
TIA

I'd have the same concerns as you and would manage any contact between the children carefully.

However if your Mum doesn't care for him, who does? Some other foster carer who doesn't inconvenience you I suppose. Clearly this child and your mum are managing to make it work, despite your misgivings. Sometimes things happen in life that we don't much like and they make things difficult. This is one of those things but at the centre of it all is an 8 year old little boy who has some stability and a decent home life for most likely the first time ever. For myself I would just have to deal with the difficulties if I knew I was contributing to supporting that.

I would say that it would be unfair and irresponsible to move the child on. Your mum knew what she was taking on when she took the boy in and it's not fair on him. He needs stability and love to overcome his issues. He's playing up because he has had a tough start in life, he needs kindness, not judgement I'm afraid.

Saying that, I do completely understand why you feel the need to protect your children in this situation, and I'm sure it's very tough for you to not see your mother as much. However, to say that your mother chose this foster child over your children is extremely unfair and uncalled for. She's living up to her responsibilities and I think that that's the right thing to do rather than move the child on and damage him further.

Surely there is come sort of agreement you can come to? Could you ask her if her Social Worker could arrange a respite one night a week for the little boy so that you guys can visit?

OP, I’ve been in a similar situation.

Parents are long term foster carers and started a new placement when my kids were 2 and 4. The child could not be left unsupervised with younger children.

My case was a bit different in that my parents don’t live nearby. But we always met up all together. Three adults were enough to supervise the situation. If things escalated then we had to separate for a time but we made it work. As my kids got older the age gap was less noticeable and behaviour improved.

I think it’s just one of these things you have to compromise on. We had a similar situation when my ds couldn’t cope with being with his cousins due to his additional needs. A birth child and a foster child should be treated in the same way as much as possible.

Hope you find a way through that works for everyone.

I completely agree that your DC should not stay over there, should not be with this boy unsupervised. But your DM needs your support.
I suggest this looks like:-
meeting up with her while her FS is at school
listening to her when she wants to talk
trying to meet up when FS is there and DH is also there so that there is always supervision
Encourage her to get respite

Friends and family are vital support for foster carers. It doesn't matter how experienced she is, this will be difficult for her.

Op did not refer to the child as "it". Basic grammar...
Op, I understand, it's a really difficult situation. Your Mum wants to honour her commitment to the little boy, but she also wants to have her grandchildren visit. You have decided that isn't safe.
Would a compromise be that you take your children to visit, regardless of when the boy is there, but that they all stay in sight of you and your mum?

You are greedy and rather callous, OP.

The poor kid your mother is fostering has very little by way of safety and security, and you're happy to remove it from him so that things change to suit you.

Yeah you are certainly entitled to your feelings on the matter - but your first instinctive feelings don't mean you should get what you want.

How are you not embarrassed to be so utterly begrudging and miserly towards a small boy?

Your mother is a hero. Our society doesn’t have nearly enough people like her in it. She deserves support and for you to be immensely proud of what she is doing. I am in awe of her dedication and sacrifice.

Given that your mother has been doing this for 25years, what was it like for you growing up in that environment? You do seem resentful and that would be very understandable.

I really can’t understand why the child is still there, when it is causing so much disruption.

YABU
It's not up to you what your mum decides what she can and cannot handle.

But YANBU to keep your own child well away, he should be your absolute priority!

Your children have 2 parents who love them. Imagine if one of them were in this boys situation where he doesn't have parents to support him but luckily he has one stable care giver?

I can imagine it won't be likely he is adopted so he may spend the rest of his childhood in care. It would make such a difference to him if he could stay in one home for as long as possible.

Could you go and have a face to face talk while he's at school to see when you can visit with the boys?

Sorry OP but you are being unreasonable. Your mum has taken on a child not compatible with the amount of help you clearly want, but that isn't your mums obligation. The foster child is, and he needs your mum so much more than you do right now!

The constant moving him around will make life harder for him and set him back on any progress already made. Your mum is doing the right thing. Try and find a solution and get on board.

I am not referring to the child as it, ‘it’ is the situation not the child. Please believe me it is nothing personal against the foster child (despite how it my seem). If I didn’t have young sons I would be there helping my mum. And in fact, by removing my boys I do believe he has gotten better as he is the only child in the setting - which is honestly fantastic.

I have been around foster children my entire life and get that they can not just be thrown back into the system but I also know that if they are not in the right setting, it is a disservice to them.

I am not upset because my mum is no longer able to look after them, that was my choice not hers. So for everyone saying I no longer have free babysit, you are wrong and I have maybe not articulated myself as well as I thought.

Thank you for your responses, given me some things to think about.

Was your mum a foster carer when you were a child?

Is this situation bringing up feelings from your childhood - feeling like your mum prioritised the difficult needs of foster children over your own needs? Or that you didn't get enough time alone with her?

The setting is perfect for the child, he’s with a 61 year old woman who doesn’t have any other younger children in the home.

I get that it would be nice for you to be able to take your children to hang out with their gran when it suits you but compared to what this poor boy has been through it’s hardly the worst situation. I’m sure you can find a way.

Are your two in childcare every day the foster child is at school? If so I guess they won’t see her for a bit but you can still go round to see your mum sometimes leaving your children with their father.

Your children come first, you do what's necessary to keep them safe.
Your mum has made a commitment to this child, it's obviously difficult and you should be proud of her.
Meet up when he's not there or well supervised.

*If I didn’t have young sons I would be there helping my mum. And in fact, by removing my boys I do believe he has gotten better as he is the only child in the setting - which is honestly fantastic.

I have been around foster children my entire life and get that they can not just be thrown back into the system but I also know that if they are not in the right setting, it is a disservice to them.*

You said he has gotten better which is fantastic but then said it's a disservice if he's not in the right setting. Which is it?

Fostering does have an impact on the wider family but you and dh appear to have decided this an either or situation.

That doesn't have to be case. Your mother can continue with the placement and have a relationship with your children separately adhering to your concerns. It seems though that unless this is on completely your terms that isnt good enough.

The child isn't in a setting with younger children as your children don't live there.
In all honesty what are you expecting of her? Send him back? Your jealousy over an 8 year old abuse victim, that your wonderful mother is helping is insane. Honestly you sound so selfish and entitled Op - I feel for the poor boy I really
Do. YABVU.

I think you are in part, projecting your own insecurities about your mother and her prioritisation of birth and foster children.

From what you’ve said, it seems like you need to work towards a compromise. Taking an absolutist stance rarely works out well for anyone.

I really can’t understand why the child is still there, when it is causing so much disruption

It's obvious you don't have a clue because you're so self absorbed with what you want, you are missing the fact that your DM has made a commitment to this child for however long and she is doing a wonderful thing. He is a human being, not an object to be sent back because he doesn't fit in with your plans.

You say the setting is not right for the child but it sounds like it is and like your mum is happy to continue being his carer. To be honest it sounds like it is you the situation does not suit. I don’t mean that to sound unkind but that’s how your op comes across. Sounds like your mum is an extremely dedicated carer and the little boy sounds lucky someone is willing to dedicate so much of themselves to caring for him.

I can imagine it must feel very sad that your mum relationship with your children is being impacted. However I feel like there should be ways to work around that that would allow them to still see each other.
Does the little boy have respite care at all or support from another carer? Would you look after the little boy for a couple of hours while your mum had quality time with you son. Maybe you could go for a walk with him and her so you can see you mum during lockdown.

I can’t see why you can’t visit with your boys for an hour here and there , which is a fairly normal grandparent situation , as long as everyone is supervised all of the time . The only thing that has to change is your children staying overnight or being actually looked after by your mum and that is the same for many families . I have a friend who used to foster and she had the same situation with her daughter and grandchildren and they managed by just doing supervised visits . I actually applaud your mum , having seen some of the very damaged children that my friend had to deal with I don’t know how people do it .

I feel it reads like you’re jealous of this poor little lad taking up your mum’s time.

I don’t understand why you said once lockdown happened you had no reason to be in contact with your mum. That sounds a really odd thing to say. Wouldn’t you want to have telephone conversations or face time with her.

Your mum deserves a medal for her fostering. This child has most likely been matched with her because she has the experience, knowledge and willing to give a child with so many issues a home. You shouldn’t be making her choose, which is how it reads.

I can understand you wanting to protect your own boys but there’s no reason why you can’t visit with your boys and supervise.

You’ve portrayed yourself in a selfish and poor light. Try and have some compassion for a child that’s probably had more trauma in his 8 years than anyone should in a lifetime.

From the outside it does seem like your mum is the perfect setting for this child - a single, very experienced female carer with no other children.

2BoysLoading please can I ask why you think "the child isn't in the right setting" as you put it?

The child sounds like they are in the perfect setting - safe and in the care of your mum who by your own comments has been getting better.