Grandchildren and foster child

[2BoysLoading]

I need an outside opinion. Apologies this is a long one.

I have 2 sons (at the time of this happening they were 1.5yrs and 3 months) my mother (61) is and has been a foster carer for 25+ years. Since April 2019 she has had an 8 year old boy who comes from a sexually abusive background and also has behavioural problems. Since the first netting both myself and husband have felt extremely uncomfortable around him.
My sons used to see my mum a few times a week and the eldest would stay over a couple nights a week. However since January we told my mum, we were no longer comfortable with our boys being around the foster child due to his behaviour which we had witnessed and heard about since April. (Violent outbursts, lying, stealing) We at no point said my mum could not see the boys, just that we didn’t want them building a relationship with him as he made us feel uneasy.
Due to the child’s behavioural issues it also meant he only went to school 3 days out of the week and only between 10-2.
My mum did not take this news well and decided that I had lost control in my life, therefore was trying to control hers (that’s the polite version), however I continued to bring my sons to see her but then lockdown happened. This meant no visits but also our relationship had broken down even more than before as I had no reason to be in contact with her.
Fast forward to July and my mum agrees that the foster child can not be in a household with younger children as he needs to be in an environment where he is the only child, and more specifically that he cannot be in a long term setting with younger boys due to jealousy. So she had confirmed our original concerns but he was still to remain. At this point, I wonder why she would still keep the child in this setting as it means we can never really function as a normal family.
Myself and my husband agreed that she could still see the boys as long as he was not around - but this proved difficult (due to the limited hours of my mums availability and my work hours) and awkward because I really can’t understand why the child is still there, when it is causing so much disruption. It feels like my mum has chosen the foster child over her grandchildren. Both myself and my husband feel the same way so for our own sanity we stopped the visits.
My mum thinks we are being unreasonable but I just want a peaceful life and any interaction with her makes me angry.
Help?
AIBU and I just need to get comfortable being uncomfortable around her for the sake of her relationship with my sons?
Is she BU and should have realised the setting is not correct for the foster child so made she could still have a normal relationship with me and the boys?
Sorry should add there have been 2 foster children before this that we had no issue with.
TIA

Your mother sounds wonderful. You should be very, very proud of her. She must be dealing with some extremely difficult situations on a daily basis. Give her as much support as you can. You are all lucky to have her. Your mother might be the best chance of recovering for that poor child.

I feel for you OP.

Your children are young and we all hope that our parents will share in the awe we feel once we have children.

The problem is that your mum is committed to her DFC and probably well knows the damage that a further rejection may have. I totally understand that he puts your hackles up and you are right to listen to your intuition.

However, I note that your relationship suffered during lockdown as you had no reason to contact her? Surely supporting each other is a reason to contact, loving each other? Being there for her when everyone else is turning their back?

I would imagine if I was your mum, I would feel sad that you didn't trust me, unless of course I had let you come to serious harm. You are doubting her ability to care for children, which is kind of who she is.

She wants to help those less privileged and I imagine that she feels sad that you could so easily judge her unfit to take care of your children.

It is a difficult situation, but I feel that you need to look at the real reasons you didn't call her during lockdown. I doubt it sits with this particular damaged child, a childhood full of being the least important (read troubled) child in the house, may have left you resentful and wanting better for your children.

Take no notice of the rude people here OP. A bunch of people, most of whom have never even met a foster child lecturing someone who has lived in a fostering family for 25 years! "look up attachment disorder" ffs.

OP I see both sides and honestly understand where you feel hurt as well. However, the situation is what it is, and it sounds like you are trying to make the best of it, ie having your kids see your mum while her foster child is in school. She shouldn’t be frosty towards you but she is, and for the sake of your own children’s relationship with her I guess you’ll just have to suck up the frosty feeling for awhile :) She’ll come around!

@Thatwentbadly

You want your Mum to break this foster arrangement and tell this abused child that she won’t look after him anymore.

This!

You sound incredibly controlling. Of course your own DC don't have to spend time with this little boy if you feel uncomfortable, but it sounds like you are trying to bully/manipulate/emotionally blackmail your mother into doing exactly what you want.

@chickenyhead

I feel for you OP.

Your children are young and we all hope that our parents will share in the awe we feel once we have children.

The problem is that your mum is committed to her DFC and probably well knows the damage that a further rejection may have. I totally understand that he puts your hackles up and you are right to listen to your intuition.

However, I note that your relationship suffered during lockdown as you had no reason to contact her? Surely supporting each other is a reason to contact, loving each other? Being there for her when everyone else is turning their back?

I would imagine if I was your mum, I would feel sad that you didn't trust me, unless of course I had let you come to serious harm. You are doubting her ability to care for children, which is kind of who she is.

She wants to help those less privileged and I imagine that she feels sad that you could so easily judge her unfit to take care of your children.

It is a difficult situation, but I feel that you need to look at the real reasons you didn't call her during lockdown. I doubt it sits with this particular damaged child, a childhood full of being the least important (read troubled) child in the house, may have left you resentful and wanting better for your children.

Why does serious harm need to happen to prove a situation.

The op grew up surrounded by foster siblings and knows only too well what this entails. Why should her children be harmed to save the foster parents feelings.

I just think that your children have you, their father and probably their other grandparents, while who does this little boy have? No-one except your mum.

I don’t see it as controlling. I see it as OP wanting her by extension to be out first for once. Which is understandable.

However there is a child that needs a stable home. And her mother has stepped up to that.

It’s not clear cut

@OneForMeToo

I think that you need to read my post again. OP is right to follow her instincts, I have said this.

Neither you nor I know whether DM has protected her own children from harm in the last 25 years, or whether she wrongly believes she has.

All I was suggesting to the OP was that it was strange not to have had contact over lockdown. Maybe the reasons are more complicated than presented here. Only the OP knows this.

I have a fair amount of sympathy for you OP, your mum has chosen another child over your dc and that is going to hurt.
In a more ideal world the social workers wouldn't have placed a child with that background in a home where regular sleepovers including younger children were happening.

That said your dc are in a much better life position than this dc so I can see how your mum has ended up making this decision.

Hopefully when some of the hurt on both sides has subsided you will be able to maintain strong and safe relationships between her dgc and their grandmother.

(I am a children's social worker if that makes a difference)

**If I didn’t have young sons I would be there helping my mum

Well there you go. She DOESNT have young sons.

You see her for what % of her week?

She's entitled to love her life as she sees fit.

Yab utterly unreasonably to stop her seeing them away from her foster son.

If granny can see her grandchildren away from him then you are not acting in your sons best interests to stop that contact.

You are throwing your toys out of the pram because you feel like she is choosing him over your family. She isn't. I suggest you get counselling to examine that.

Oh my goodness, still the insults continue.

25+ years I have been around foster children, not just the ones that were part of our family but the ones we would meet up with from other foster families. I have absolutely no jealousy towards any foster child as I thankfully was brought up with a loving mother and I loved that we were able to welcome children from different backgrounds into our home and make them part of our family and see them move in to bigger and better lives that may not have been possible if they hadn’t been part of the family. Also bear in mind there were certain children my mum would not accept because it would pose a danger to me, so how is that different now if she wants my children to stay overnight or look after them when I’m not present. It is so awkward between myself and my mum because she categorically disagrees with our decision.
Foster children should go into as ‘normal’ (by this I mean normal for the family they are joining not 2.4 - as my mum was a single mum) a family setting as possible. What was normal in our family no longer exists because my mum is telling me not to trust my gut instinct regarding my children. Again my son has been around various foster children before the current child and never have I felt uncomfortable leaving my child in their presence.
If I am controlling because I want to keep my children away from a very troubled child who makes both myself, my husband, my brother, my sil - then I’ll take that. Because ‘if and when something happens’ - and that could be anything - my children won’t be the guinea pigs.
I’m sorting visits post lockdown, this is the most that can happen for now.

OP you are going to go around in circles with this one.
I know from my cousin and her DC how much they gave in their life to foster DC and continue to support their DM.
I know my cousin a foster carer of 30 years wouldn't take a DC who her DGC couldn't be around most DC in care have difficulties but when they're a violent or a sexual risk it is a different story.

You're mother sounds amazing, she obviously feels that she can make a difference in this young boys life.

I commented before but, now that you have made it clear you dont want your mum to stop fostering the child I dont think you are being unreasonable at all in preventing your own children having unsupervised contact. I dont think your mum is reasonable in taking offense at you not wanting them to stay the night - even if there was no issue with the foster child it is still up to you where your very young children sleep. It is also perfectly fine to feel regret that your children arent going to have the relationship with your grandma you thought they would. I don't know what to suggest to improve this though. My own mum became very ill around the time I had my child and I felt really down about it (even though I also felt selfish for feeling down if that makes sense). But you are allowed to feel sad.

I also feel bad for suggesting you were selfish in an earlier post. I had a think about my own internal reactions to some things (that I never expressed aloud) and actually they were far from perfect either. if you were telling your mum she should stop fostering the child that would be wrong, but I think its normal to feel conflicted about it/the impact on you.

Some posters have been really nasty to you OP. Calling you heartless and asking how your mum ended up with a daughter like you, calling you jealous ... I'm appalled by the nastiness tbh. You don't deserve any of it and it must be hurtful.

You've articulated yourself well and put your concerns forward clearly.

Please don't let the nastiness of people who are incapable of evaluating a situation objectively...instead they think hurling insults is the way to go. It says more about them than you.

I find people who resort to being nasty generally can't express themselves or have a limited vocabulary.

MN has so many positive aspects...but the insult hurling and nastiness by a number of posters is sad.

@CanSomeoneElsePickMyName

Where does she call the child 'it'? I've read several times and can't see.

She doesn't. Poor comprehension skills or tight judgmental pants are the explanation.

Sounds like she's made her decision OP and chosen this child over a full natural relationship with your children.

For those saying it's short term, possibly not, if your Mam is approved as a long term carer she may keep him. At his age and with his problems I don't think a plan of adoption is on the cards.

As a foster carer myself I understand your concerns and I also admire your mother in her dedication to this child. I appreciate you want a ‘normal’ family life but to be honest, for a lot of families unsupervised contact for their children with grandparents isn’t the norm anyway. For a lot of families the norm is that the parents take the children to visit the grandparents and stay present with them the whole time. I think you need to accept that this will have to be your normal. You go to visit your parents with your children and stay there for the whole visit so that you can supervise your children around this boy.

Sorry you've had insults op.

Your children are very young and you need your mum I think. I also think you know this 8 year old needs her too, probably more than you do.

I admire you and your mum for helping the children you have over the years.
I'm sure you can find a way through this.

Thankyou to all foster carers AND their biological children for all that you do

That's how I read it as well. BTW also a Foster carer and although OP children may not be able to sleep over, safety aspects of visiting can be written into the Safe Care Policy (and agreed with sw). Personally we've not cared for children from sexual abuse background (as far as we're aware) but have had extreme behaviours - violence (physical and verbal) , swearing etc. Our family and friends are aware and we've spoken to them regarding what we'd like them to do if they are around and witness it (easier to discuss before the event happens, rather than in the heat of the moment).

I imagine that the young lad's needs would have been fully discussed, and your mother, as an experienced carer, would have detailed her family set-up and commitment, and would have said that you and she and her grandkids spend time together. So, it's unlikely, surely, that the lad's behaviour is an actual risk to younger children - more the case that it isn't good for his development to be sharing the home with other kids.
And fostering can and often does have a positively transforming effect on behaviour, so there is no reason why some of the child's difficulties shouldn't smooth out over time. It's best not to see the current phase as being fixed.

Yes you need to safeguard your kids. Supervise them in his company yes. But be kind to this boy.

This is your mums job but it’s not just any job. She’s making a big difference to this boys life. She’s all he has. What she’s doing is life changing for him.

I am a foster carer and we foster a 14 year old boy who has complex social issues and SN. My dd does bring my 2 dogs around occasionally before Covid but we all watch them like hawks. I occasionally go to see my dd and dogs when my dh stays home with foster son. Our foster son had a terrible early life and got moved 7 times in 2 years before he came to us at 5 years old. He has his issues but he is also part of our family and we love him. He will have a home with us for as long as he wants to live with us. I Skype my dd and dgs and send them little things in the post.