Grandchildren and foster child

[2BoysLoading]

I need an outside opinion. Apologies this is a long one.

I have 2 sons (at the time of this happening they were 1.5yrs and 3 months) my mother (61) is and has been a foster carer for 25+ years. Since April 2019 she has had an 8 year old boy who comes from a sexually abusive background and also has behavioural problems. Since the first netting both myself and husband have felt extremely uncomfortable around him.
My sons used to see my mum a few times a week and the eldest would stay over a couple nights a week. However since January we told my mum, we were no longer comfortable with our boys being around the foster child due to his behaviour which we had witnessed and heard about since April. (Violent outbursts, lying, stealing) We at no point said my mum could not see the boys, just that we didn’t want them building a relationship with him as he made us feel uneasy.
Due to the child’s behavioural issues it also meant he only went to school 3 days out of the week and only between 10-2.
My mum did not take this news well and decided that I had lost control in my life, therefore was trying to control hers (that’s the polite version), however I continued to bring my sons to see her but then lockdown happened. This meant no visits but also our relationship had broken down even more than before as I had no reason to be in contact with her.
Fast forward to July and my mum agrees that the foster child can not be in a household with younger children as he needs to be in an environment where he is the only child, and more specifically that he cannot be in a long term setting with younger boys due to jealousy. So she had confirmed our original concerns but he was still to remain. At this point, I wonder why she would still keep the child in this setting as it means we can never really function as a normal family.
Myself and my husband agreed that she could still see the boys as long as he was not around - but this proved difficult (due to the limited hours of my mums availability and my work hours) and awkward because I really can’t understand why the child is still there, when it is causing so much disruption. It feels like my mum has chosen the foster child over her grandchildren. Both myself and my husband feel the same way so for our own sanity we stopped the visits.
My mum thinks we are being unreasonable but I just want a peaceful life and any interaction with her makes me angry.
Help?
AIBU and I just need to get comfortable being uncomfortable around her for the sake of her relationship with my sons?
Is she BU and should have realised the setting is not correct for the foster child so made she could still have a normal relationship with me and the boys?
Sorry should add there have been 2 foster children before this that we had no issue with.
TIA

I feel desperately sad for the foster child here. He is a young child who needs help and your Mum is trying to do that. I think you need to suck it up and be supportive.

I have so much respect for foster carers who take on children who are severely traumatised and hence have complex needs and behavioural issues. I'm an adoptive mum with two DDs with attachment issues, but they're settled with us and our families have embraced them as granddaughters/nieces. (They don't have the same level of behavioural issues either.)

I think it's sad that you're not more supportive of the work your DM does. There are 60,000 children in care and not enough foster carers.

I wouldn't like this situation either. A foster placement by its nature is not permanent. I think if your mother was that bothered about seeing her grandchildren she would request that the foster child be moved to a placement where there are no younger children in the family, and help him by preparing him for the move.

But the setting is right for the child, why do you think it's not? It's sounds perfect for him actually. I'm not understanding why you can no longer function as a normal family?

Your mum can see her grandchildren when she's able to. It might not be very often but lots of grandparents don't see their grandchildren that often. I'd also guess that actually she could see your grandchildren with her foster child as well, as long as he was supervised. I can't believe he is literally never allowed to be in the same building as a younger boy.

Your mum is doing something amazing. The childs not a toy to just bin off. You sound like a dick.

I think you need to be comfortable being uncomfortable around your mom. She is doing a wonderful thing being a foster to the little boy. At the moment, she has taken the responsibility to care for him just like you have the responsibility to care for your kids. Just try and work around everyone schedules, even frequent calls/video calls.

I'm assuming this isn't a long-term placement. If that's the case, it won't be for longer than a few months, a year at most as they don't want childcare cases to drag on too long. So if there's an issue, then you can just make alternative babysitting arrangements in the meantime.

Poor little lad. You want him uprooted- again shattering his trust that he can ever let his guard down, that anything good in his life will ever be permanent- because he had issues due to past abuse and you want free childcare?

Dear me, OP, have a heart.

@Mittens030869

I'm assuming this isn't a long-term placement. If that's the case, it won't be for longer than a few months, a year at most as they don't want childcare cases to drag on too long. So if there's an issue, then you can just make alternative babysitting arrangements in the meantime.

An 8 year old with a complex background could well be long term, especially as he's been there 18 months.

Is there a backstory here with regards to your relationship with your mother?

I very much doubt he can’t ever be allowed to be around children. What would happen when he’s at school? There would need to be a realistic risk management plan in place- for example making sure children are supervised all the time. That falls to the adults.
What about when your children go to nursery or school? You will have no idea if there are children in their class who have been sexually abused/open to social work/in foster care.

@StellaGib

Point taken, I missed the length of the placement. In that case, therapy will presumably be offered, which can lead to changes in behaviour with the security of a long-term placement.

Although I suspect Covid might have played a part in slowing down the process?

Your mum sounds like she was being very unreasonable to turn against you when you aired your valid concerns about your children having contact with him and her foster child.

Your priority is to your own children and it’s natural you feel hurt that she’s pulling away from her grandchildren. She had your older son a lot, most people don’t have overnight childcare for two nights a week. They must have been pretty close.

But she’s made her choice and all you can do is accept it.

Poor kid.

Your children have a mum and a dad.

He has no one but your mother who has become his mother figure after a horrific experience.

Some utter bollocks spouted on here by people who are posting without the knowledge they think they have.

OP, I’m a bit confused about why you think the setting’s not right for the foster child. You and your DC aren’t part of the setting. You’re a separate household who can arrange visits around the needs of the various children.

I am slightly wondering what age you were when your DM started fostering. I think fostering is hard on birth children, and I wonder if deep down, you have complicated feelings about that that are being triggered by this (undoubtedly complex) situation.

This isn't just your mom's job; foster caring is a vocation. Kudos to your mom, who is an extremely experienced foster carer doing a difficult job. I hope her next placement will be easier but I doubt you are any more likely to change your work hours to suit your mom than she is likely to change her career to suit your leisure time.

I don’t think this is a post on which the voting buttons are helpful.

OP, you are perfectly entitled to your feelings, difficult though they are. It’s not unreasonable to feel upset that your DC can’t have a ‘normal’ relationship with their grandmother at the moment, because someone else needs to be her priority at the moment. It is natural to feel jealous, and inconvenienced and side-lined.

BUT

You are an adult, and the foster child is a little boy. A little boy who has suffered great trauma.
Your mum is in an unenviable situation and I’m sure she’d rather things could be ‘normal’ but she made a commitment through her work to care for this boy and keep him safe and give him stability.

Fast forward to July and my mum agrees that the foster child can not be in a household with younger children as he needs to be in an environment where he is the only child, and more specifically that he cannot be in a long term setting with younger boys due to jealousy. So she had confirmed our original concerns but he was still to remain. At this point, I wonder why she would still keep the child in this setting as it means we can never really function as a normal family.

Your mum’s ‘setting’ IS an environment where he’s the only child. Your family doesn’t live with your mum. You are a normal family.

It feels like my mum has chosen the foster child over her grandchildren. Both myself and my husband feel the same way so for our own sanity we stopped the visits.

You’ve prioritised your feelings over your mum’s and your own children’s feelings.

You need to deal with your anger. Perhaps you feel your mum has always prioritised other children over you if she’s been a foster care for so long. But you need to examine those feelings and get help for them.

Insisting your mum basically ditch her responsibility to this traumatised child in order to be the kind of grandparent you want her to be is not reasonable, kind or loving.

Is everyone missing the fact that the OP's mum is complaining about the situation because she wants contact with her Grandchildren but cannot because she has the foster child?

The OP has every right to stop contact when the child is around if her children's safety is put at risk. But the mother also needs to understand if she has taken on this commitment she cannot have her cake and eat it too.

I have a friend who has custody of children with a similar background and due to events where I agreed to baby sit them so she could have respite and was sent to the Minor Injuries unite by a 12 year old I have refused to allow myself or my children be around the child. This has resulted in my friend becoming very isolated however I cannot put my children at risk because of someone else's life choices and this is the same for the OP.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I am guessing there are concerns he could be inappropriate with younger children, given his background. Surely your mother should have known about this and it should have been taken into account when placing him with her. I completely understand why people are saying she can't abandon him, so it's a difficult situation. As you say, she is then effectively removing herself from her grandchildren's lives or putting them at risk.

Can she come to see you on her own or does she live on her own with no partner to look after the foster child? Is there a timescale on this and an idea of how long he will be with your mum, or is it completely open-ended?

I lost any sympathy for you OP when you referred to this poor child as "it". Give him and your mother a break, for goodness sake. And you and your dc should thank your lucky stars you are so fortunate as to have a loving supportive family. Cheers to your Mum for what she is doing.

To my understanding this child has been so severely sexually abused that he cannot function around other children and has no understanding of how to correctly behave in a familial setting?

And you want your mum to hand him back?

Sadly with 25 years experience I expect your Mum has a pretty good idea of what will happen if she does. He will be passed from placement to placement before eventually being lost to the system.

She is the first adult in his life who has not failed him. Her dedication is commendable.

However I understand how hurtful you must find this, OP. Can you reach out and explain how you feel in a non confrontational way and can a compromise be reached?

Is this a long term placement? If she has been fostering for so long is this the first child to have come to her with such complicated needs?

"Fast forward to July and my mum agrees that the foster child can not be in a household with younger children as he needs to be in an environment where he is the only child, and more specifically that he cannot be in a long term setting with younger boys due to jealousy. So she had confirmed our original concerns but he was still to remain. At this point, I wonder why she would still keep the child in this setting as it means we can never really function as a normal family."

I think you are misunderstanding this part. It sounds like this is social work advice regarding his placement needs and would refer to other children who are permanent parts of the household, not visitors. You are your children's main carer, your mother is her foster child's main carer therefore the jealousy issues are not the same and the risks are not the same.

Would respite care be an option? She could then have time to spend with her DD and DGC, maybe even go on holiday (Covid restrictions permitting).

Alternatively, could you spend time with your mum when her foster child is in school?

YANBU to protect your own DC and limit contact with the child.

YABU to expect your mum to give up on fostering this child.

Forgive me if this is ignorant but will his behaviour ease over time if he is no longer in an abusive setting?

Will the situation get easier as he gets older?