Grandchildren and foster child

[2BoysLoading]

I need an outside opinion. Apologies this is a long one.

I have 2 sons (at the time of this happening they were 1.5yrs and 3 months) my mother (61) is and has been a foster carer for 25+ years. Since April 2019 she has had an 8 year old boy who comes from a sexually abusive background and also has behavioural problems. Since the first netting both myself and husband have felt extremely uncomfortable around him.
My sons used to see my mum a few times a week and the eldest would stay over a couple nights a week. However since January we told my mum, we were no longer comfortable with our boys being around the foster child due to his behaviour which we had witnessed and heard about since April. (Violent outbursts, lying, stealing) We at no point said my mum could not see the boys, just that we didn’t want them building a relationship with him as he made us feel uneasy.
Due to the child’s behavioural issues it also meant he only went to school 3 days out of the week and only between 10-2.
My mum did not take this news well and decided that I had lost control in my life, therefore was trying to control hers (that’s the polite version), however I continued to bring my sons to see her but then lockdown happened. This meant no visits but also our relationship had broken down even more than before as I had no reason to be in contact with her.
Fast forward to July and my mum agrees that the foster child can not be in a household with younger children as he needs to be in an environment where he is the only child, and more specifically that he cannot be in a long term setting with younger boys due to jealousy. So she had confirmed our original concerns but he was still to remain. At this point, I wonder why she would still keep the child in this setting as it means we can never really function as a normal family.
Myself and my husband agreed that she could still see the boys as long as he was not around - but this proved difficult (due to the limited hours of my mums availability and my work hours) and awkward because I really can’t understand why the child is still there, when it is causing so much disruption. It feels like my mum has chosen the foster child over her grandchildren. Both myself and my husband feel the same way so for our own sanity we stopped the visits.
My mum thinks we are being unreasonable but I just want a peaceful life and any interaction with her makes me angry.
Help?
AIBU and I just need to get comfortable being uncomfortable around her for the sake of her relationship with my sons?
Is she BU and should have realised the setting is not correct for the foster child so made she could still have a normal relationship with me and the boys?
Sorry should add there have been 2 foster children before this that we had no issue with.
TIA

She's very unreasonable to expect your young children to be allowed to stay overnight at hers or to be there with her and the child, without supervision from you. That expectation would make me distrust her ability to protect them because she's not seeing the potential danger. She's in denial about the possibilities.

I think the fact that her friends who have provided help with previous Foster kids, are distancing from her now, shows that the behaviour is extreme.

Yanbu to protect your children. I wouldn't even bother bringing them to see her tbh, if she's offended that you won't hand them over and put them in danger, then she really doesn't care much for them.

Regarding the child, it sounds like he's going to need long term care. A sixty year old woman isn't a good match for an aggressive young boy. It won't be long before she's not able to restrain him, if she even can now.

Also, boys like this benefit from strong male role models and having their energies directed into sports or physical activities. He needs someone he can look up to and someone who can direct him down a positive path. That's not going to be an old woman.

Clearly you're just another in a long string of people who have failed to consider the foster child's wellbeing to be a priority.

Renee you know nothing about how successful his placement is. He could be doing very well. And maybe a female 60 year old very experienced foster carer is perfect, just the person to help nurture and ground him.

@2BoysLoading

He should stay now. It would absolutely be unfair on him for the placement to break down now. I’m not disputing that - however in the beginning it was clear that it was not the right situation for him, when assessing a placement you can’t just base it on the help you feel you can provide you should consider how it affects your normal family life and how the child will fit into your normal life - feels like my mum did not do that. And tbh neither did social services. He is doing better now because other family members (my younger sons) are not present, he is now the only child in the household so he has all the attention. This is what he needs or to be in a household where there are only older children, I again do not dispute that but as a previous poster mentioned there are families out there who have older children, or no children, who are younger than my mum who would be a better fit for him. Yes it is absolutely brilliant that my mum wants to make his life better, and the same for all the previous children she has done that for.

The social worker and your mom did assess how it was going to affect her normal life. They didn't assess how it was going to affect your life.

Yes it is terrible sad what has happened to this boy. And yes it is amazing and wonderful your mother took this on. But I agree 100% with you that your children must be protected. You have every right to be concerned. If it means they have less of a relationship with your mother, so be it.

Yanbu to want to protect your children.

YADBU to want to cut off from your Mum, as you're effectively punishing her for what wonders she is doing for this little boy, who may have a stable home for the first time because of her selflessness. 'Why she would still keep this child'-this reads as 'yeh give him back to the care system' as in he's a piece of furniture that's annoyingly taking up too much room.

You really think your inconvenience (hardly, as your children have a loving family unit and you'll just have to rejiggle things/be a bit careful) trumps this young child's right to a happy home in life?!

People's ignorance astounds me. Actually forget ignorance. People's APATHY astounds me. He, as a person, doesn't matter any less because his parents abused him, y'know?

I can see where you are coming from OP.

This IS a long term situation, before your mother fostered this child your children seem to have had a very close relationship with your Mother and that seems like it is a very important relationship for them to have with her.

While this child is with her the relationship between your children and your Mother is scaled back to almost zero and as it could be years before this boy is either able to be trusted around your children or is placed in to permanent care the relationship between your children and your Mum will likely not be rebuilt as it would have been had this not happened.

That must be very heart breaking for you.

I know first hand how close my children are with my inlaw's V's my own mum because of the time spent with them and the early years are when those super close bonds are made.

I think that the way you are being spoken to on here is terrible, I don't for one second think you are mad because you 'lost your babysitter', I honestly believe you are pretty shattered that your children are missing out on their Grandma and the ability to build a close bond. I can also see exactly why it is hard for you to plan visits there as there are only two hours, 3 days a week that you can do that and when you allow for your Mum doing school drop off and pick up that time is shortened again.

I can see that this child does need a secure home but I agree with you, you are a part of your Mum's house setting, you were a regular part of the house hold there and I think she should have considered you when she made the decision so she could maintain a similar relationship with your children as she had previously, even if it meant no overnights and just day visits.

I wouldn't like this situation either. A foster placement by its nature is not permanent. I think if your mother was that bothered about seeing her grandchildren she would request that the foster child be moved to a placement where there are no younger children in the family, and help him by preparing him for the move

Agree.

I grew up with a foster child in our home and it disrupted everything. He was angry, bitter and violent but when you're a child yourself you don't understand it. I did understand it when I grew older. & I have forgiven him, it wasn't his fault. Didn't make up for years of having to live with it all though.

We (me & 3 siblings) never had friends round. Stuff was smashed at home. Lots of things happened. At 13 I walked to an elder relative's house and asked her to take me in, which she did for a while thankfully. Bliss, for a time.

When you are a child living alongside a foster child that scares you, nobody listens. So OP it's best you keep your DCs away and I think you have to accept that. Your mum doesn't see it your way and that's her prerogative you can't change that even if you want to.

Unless you are living with your mother and her foster child, then I think YAB a bit U.

I can see why you find it difficult and agree entirely that it sounds like an inappropriate setting for your own children - but that's no reason for your mother, who is not in a parental role to your own children, to
decide to no longer foster this boy, who clearly needs help.

I have read all your posts and understand that there is something different about this boy that makes you and the rest of the family feel uncomfortable, and now your mother is mostly isolated from the rest of the family because of him - but obviously she feels that it's worth it to try and help the boy.

I do also agree with you that you are right to keep your own DC safe, and that your mother absolutely can NOT guarantee their safety while at her house - and she's being a bit silly to suggest she can. So in that respect, YANBU.

But you should allow her to do what she chooses to do here - it's not a case of choosing him over her grandchildren, it's her believing that she can make a difference to this boy's life, and knowing that you and your DH are parenting your own children without needing her help. I think that's ok and I hope you can rebuild your relationship with her after lockdown, while still managing to respect her decision and keep your own DC safe.

This is a very sad situation but it sounds like your children have a loving home. You want your mum to eject this kid with no one from what he has come to see as his home so your children can see their grandparent occasionally? Your mum clearly but likely unintentionally underestimated his needs. But he is not a broken object that can be sent back to the store. It must be difficult for your mum but I find it quite moving she is committed to helping this kid who needs her. I hope the situation changes so you and your children can see her more often.

You sound wonderful @caringcarer. You have effectively saved your foster son's life. I hope you get the recognition you deserve for doing such an important job. He is so lucky to have you.

I think after reading your updates op that your dm is actually bu. She has been advised that foster son should not be around younger dc and yet she seems to be insisting that this happen by demanding sleepovers. Aside from putting your dc at risk this is clearly not in foster sons best interests. I would continue to visit, lockdown allowing, as much as you can but I don’t think yabu to not allow sleepovers.

I also think there is a lot of judgement on this thread. While this poor child has clearly suffered far more than he should, there is no benefit to allowing this suffering to be passed on to other innocent dc. If it was an adult that gave op and her relatives this uncomfortable feeling, we would all be screaming at op to trust her instincts and keep dc away.

It is commendable that your dm has such strong protective feelings for this boy and that she won’t abandon him, even in the face of criticism from her family. She is a truehero. That doesn’t mean that she should be allowed to put her gc at risk.

OP, what an awful situation. You must be so hurt that your mum has lost her power of judgement. However, you have made the right decision to protect your children. Hugs.

Actually it sounds as if the OP's mum is really struggling, and isolated. She desperately needs respite care for her foster son so she can have a break.

I wonder if any of the people criticising the OP have any experience of what a severely traumatised person, including a child, can do to a family dynamic. It’s really not so simple as saying it’s not her choice or business. The point is that it’s a choice her mother has made which has huge implications for wider family relationships, as she has tried to explain. She’s entitled to her feelings and saying that she isn’t because her mother is doing a saintly thing is completely missing the point.

the time she had a right to complain is long gone. Whilst you could argue that's it's unfair on your own children to impose some possibly difficult foster children at home, once your own child has moved out and has their own life?

Yes, it means the grand-children see their grand-mother a bit less. It won't hurt or impact them in any way. It's "inconvenient" for the OP. Nothing more.

Does the OP check with her mum if her own decision have an "impact" on their family relationship? About her work choices, her hours, her holidays? Of course not, it's none of her mum's business.

But you should allow her to do what she chooses to do here - it's not a case of choosing him over her grandchildren, it's her believing that she can make a difference to this boy's life, and knowing that you and your DH are parenting your own children without needing her help. I think that's ok and I hope you can rebuild your relationship with her after lockdown, while still managing to respect her decision and keep your own DC safe
Great words

You can still take dgc to see their Nan after lockdown. Just all go and watch children like hawks. When I took our foster son in my dgs had not been born. Our foster son was a single placement meaning we can't foster another child while he lives with us. He has his raged but he can be affectionate and sweet too. We did exactly as another poster suggested and channelled his energies into sport. Over the years he has become very good at sport and this has raised his self esteem. He swims for our town and plays disability cricket for our county and in January is going to have an ECB trial to play for England. We have got so much joy from seeing him flourish. We are so proud of him. Your Mum will probably feel the same about her foster son. In life all children need people to love them and believe in them to flourish and your DC have you and their Dad. The child being fostered only has your Mum. Without her to love and believe in him he has nothing and no hope for the future.

I think OP and some of the responses are making this very black and white. The poster who called the grandmother an old woman and said the foster child needs a strong male role model was blunt but there is some truth in that. He also needs nurturing, love and commitment which OP's mother can provide. It is unreasonable to expect her to hand him back like a parcel. I would suggest that OP's mother asks for more support from social services in the shape of a young, preferably male support worker who can take the boy out and about and find active pursuits for him. This would free up some time for family and leisure. It is childish to say that she has chosen him over the grandchildren. Obviously she can't have the grandchildren alone while he is present but I don't understand why OP can't visit if there are adults there to be vigilant. A relationship with a grandparent is more than having a babysitter available though and I understand that OP would like her mother to be able to spend time with her children. The grandmother needs more help to support the placement.

@2BoysLoading
Try not to take the insults to heart... nasty people often lack objective thinking and feel safe to hurl insults online.... akin to online bullying and trolls.

Your DM hasn't taken her own wellbeing and support/relationships into account...which may be perceived as selflessness by some, but ultimately, the potential impact on her mental wellbeing is highly likely to negatively affect her.

You have your DH and DC...she's the one who will be alone and may well live to regret her decision, if your relationship doesn't go back to what it was.

Making these decisions should take all factors into account, especially where it can affect those who are an integral part of your life. If you were not so close and hardly saw her...then it wouldn't be an issue.

I agree with the pp who mentioned your mum's age... However with a shortage of foster carers...sometimes they just have to go ahead, even if it's not the ideal placement/family set up. It will be like living with a grandmother for him.

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Actually it sounds as if the OP's mum is really struggling, and isolated. She desperately needs respite care for her foster son so she can have a break

The OP has said respite hasn't worked out due to his behaviour/complexities.

She probably should have realised after many years of fostering that while she can choose to take any child placed in her care, that this will impact on her, as the OP and other family members who have previously been able to see her/ support her, may no longer be able to.

now your mother is mostly isolated from the rest of the family because of him - but obviously she feels that it's worth it

Yes.. but her mum saying the OP is unreasonable for not going over with her DC is failing to understand her daughter's position and need to safeguard her DC. She's made her decision to keep the placement...she doesn't get to force the OP to comply with what she wants.

OP, I think you have to ignore the people who are set on being angry with you. Some of them haven't read all your updates, or misunderstood your wording, but others are just insistent upon your being an awful, selfish, unreasonable person.

It's not unreasonable to keep your children out of what you believe to be a dangerous or harmful situation. If it makes your mother angry, she'll just have to be upset.

She either can't or won't see things from your point of view. There doesn't seem to be anything you can do except only allow your children to visit her when the foster child is out of her house, for as long as he is staying with her. You'll have to suffer through the awkwardness or coolness with your mother the best you can, if you want your children to continue to have a relationship with their grandmother.

Foster caring is difficult and we need good people to do it, but even good people make mistakes and have flaws. Your mother may not want to admit that her choice to care for this child is affecting the kind of relationship and experiences she can have with her grandchildren. She'll have to accept that just because she chose this doesn't mean you or others in her family are happy with the situation (and that doesn't make you an awful person). Every decision has consequences, often a mix of good and bad, and being a "hero" who fosters children might make her less wonderful of a grandparent, at times.

I'll be honest and say that I'm glad my parents didn't bring other children into my home when I was a child. Would it have been good for the children we could have fostered? Probably, but I don't think it would've been what was best for me or my siblings.