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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

‘House keeping money’

212 replies

Autumnflakes · 02/11/2020 14:59

I’m getting back with my Ex partner. One of the reasons we went so wrong is that we never did communication (I expected him to be a mind reader).

One of my bugbears was that I never felt like he ever really contributed to the house in any shape or form.

Beforehand I would have said it’s my house but our home - I bought it before we got together and it’s paid off. I’ve said to him numerous times before to treat it like it was his home etc.

Beforehand he hinted that the bills wouldn’t have gone up that much with him moving in. Granted he would probably pay more towards the food shop than me. I don’t think it’s fair that he was essentially living for free.

How should the monthly bills be split? Should he pay anything towards the maintenance? I.e. my microwave broke (he actually broke it but that’s another story) and it was down to me to replace it. Same with decorating down to me to buy it all and put the graft in.

I’m not sure how we can work it out so it’s more ‘fair’ for both of us? I also lost my job during the first wave and relying on a casual minimum wage job.

OP posts:

Audreyseyebrows · 02/11/2020 15:01

Surely you should be discussing this with him or are you still not communicating effectively?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/11/2020 15:03

Yuk!

rom just that one post he sounds like a cocklodger!

So, he pays no 'rent', doesn't like paying50% of the bills, just wants to pay a teensy bot

Breaks things and looks blankly at you

Doesn't think he has any responsibility for thr upkeep of his home in any way shape or form.

But he is generous enough to pay towards food he will eat!

You are right, it isn't fair. He is trying to live for free and I woudn't let him set foot back over the doorstep!

You've made a list of the cons, what would be the benefits to you? What joy does he bring to your life?

MissConductUS · 02/11/2020 15:03

Is he giving up his own flat? If so, he absolutely should be contributing towards your costs and not just the amount they go up because of his residence.

As to how much is fair, it depends on your relative incomes. Find out how much it would cost to rent a home similar to yours and use that as a basis.

HapHap · 02/11/2020 15:04

Are you sure you want to get back together?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/11/2020 15:04

Oh, and the comunication issue probably wasn't/isn't you ... it's probably just how he likes it, an unspoken agreement that he oesn't have to defend his lack of financial participation.

Ask him bluntly how he intends to pay his way this time... see what he says!

TheDowagerDuchessofMwwwahaha · 02/11/2020 15:04

God I wouldn’t get back with him!

Has he fully admitted of his own volition that he was wrong about these money matters and is now willing to pay his way?

You dont even seem that happy about getting back together!

Original poster

Autumnflakes · 02/11/2020 15:10

Sorry I don’t want to start another cocklodger thread. I just want to work out how much is ‘fair’ for him to contribute. The monthly bills (with out vet/shopping) is around £600 that’s for energy/tv/internet etc not rent/mortgage.

Should he just pay 25% of the council tax as I get a single person discount or 50%. I got a better internet and tv package as he wanted to be able to watch sports/stream - so should he pay the brunt of that (I did have internet/basic tv package before).

OP posts:

SocialBees · 02/11/2020 15:11

In my opinion the all bills should be split 50/50 (unless one of you earns a lot more than the other).

He hinted that he should be only paying the extra (on top of what you'd have to pay anyway)? Sorry but that's ridiculous! He's living rent free! What a massive tight arse.

MeringueCloud · 02/11/2020 15:12

I think 50/50.

TheDowagerDuchessofMwwwahaha · 02/11/2020 15:13

50/50 sounds fair to me! It’s ridiculous to say he should only pay what’s extra on top of what you’d otherwise pay. Maybe you should just pay whatever is extra on top of what he has been paying to live by himself. Exactly the same logic!

And you won’t get single person discount from council tax if he moves in, so that’s 50:50 too.

BlackPuddingEggs · 02/11/2020 15:15

Unless you have lots of children 50/50 on bills make sense - then any you save can go towards wear and tear on the house.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/11/2020 15:17

@Autumnflakes

You may not want to start another cocklodger thread but OMG!

As I said in my second post - ask him, bluntly, with no suggestions to help him... what does he think is fair? Get him to put an amount on it all... see if he has changed at all!

But you know the answer he is most likely to give. So that really leaves you with one question:

What level of 'fair' are you prepared to accept for the pleasure of his company?

MaskingForIt · 02/11/2020 15:17

50/50 is the only reasonable starting point here. If he baulks, then you know he’s not really out to form a partnership with you.

As they say, tight with money, tight with love.

MissConductUS · 02/11/2020 15:18

I think the point is that there are savings involved when you merge households. Those savings should go equally to you both. Hence the 50/50 split on all bills.

Audreyseyebrows · 02/11/2020 15:18

50/50 then. Although I’m not sure where you would stand if you split again and he wanted claim any part of your property.

What does he think he should contribute?

Bluntness100 · 02/11/2020 15:18

Op. Do you have kids?

If not, then he pays fifty fifty, I also think he should be paying a contribution to the mortgage otherwise he is living rent free.

If you’ve kids it’s different though.

DramaLlama12 · 02/11/2020 15:19

50/50 or don’t entertain it
He sounds like he wants to live with you at a very reduced rate
He’d have had to pay all the bills where he is currently living anyway and I’m assuming where he’s at now is much more than £300 a month

TeenPlusTwenties · 02/11/2020 15:19

I think 50/50.

It's not about the added cost to you, it is also the saved cost for him not having to fork out for all the bills himself if he were living independently.

The only things I would say maybe not would be things like extensions, replacement windows etc that add real value to the house.

Say his bills are currently £500 and yours are also £500.
After moving in, his bills go to 0 and yours go up to £600.

If he only pays the extra £100 he has 'gained' £400 and you have gained £0.
Whereas if you each pay £300, you have both 'gained' £200.

TurquoiseDragon · 02/11/2020 15:19

50/50. And really, the communication still isn't there, is it? He still seems like a cocklodger to me.

readingismycardio · 02/11/2020 15:20

I don't agree re mortgage contribution (unless this becomes really serious), but bills should totally be 50:50. I think this is a great reason for him to be an ex, but that's a whole other thread

user2853684215 · 02/11/2020 15:20

Should he just pay 25% of the council tax as I get a single person discount or 50%

Well, are you forming a partnership or is he your lodger?

Bluntness100 · 02/11/2020 15:20

Sorry just seen the mortgage is paid off

So it’s fifty fifty on all bills, unless you’ve kids at home. Then it’s whatever percentage, ie if you’ve two kids, then he pays twenty five percent and you pay seventy five.

Food comes out of the joint pot. You should set up a joint account where all the money goes in for all joint expenditure.

Yesyoudoknowme · 02/11/2020 15:20

Should he just pay 25% of the council tax as I get a single person discount or 50%. but you won't once he moves in will you?

Bluntness100 · 02/11/2020 15:21

I don't agree re mortgage contribution (unless this becomes really serious

You think he should get to live rent free because he doesn’t own it

Fuck that.

Lockdownhairdontcare · 02/11/2020 15:22

50/50 is still generous considering he has no rent to pay.
Home maintenance, decorating, replacement furnishings, bedding, appliances etc cost money too.

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