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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘House keeping money’

212 replies

Autumnflakes · 02/11/2020 14:59

I’m getting back with my Ex partner. One of the reasons we went so wrong is that we never did communication (I expected him to be a mind reader).

One of my bugbears was that I never felt like he ever really contributed to the house in any shape or form.

Beforehand I would have said it’s my house but our home - I bought it before we got together and it’s paid off. I’ve said to him numerous times before to treat it like it was his home etc.

Beforehand he hinted that the bills wouldn’t have gone up that much with him moving in. Granted he would probably pay more towards the food shop than me. I don’t think it’s fair that he was essentially living for free.

How should the monthly bills be split? Should he pay anything towards the maintenance? I.e. my microwave broke (he actually broke it but that’s another story) and it was down to me to replace it. Same with decorating down to me to buy it all and put the graft in.

I’m not sure how we can work it out so it’s more ‘fair’ for both of us? I also lost my job during the first wave and relying on a casual minimum wage job.

OP posts:
Bluejewel · 02/11/2020 17:11

50/50 OP . Ask him though what he thinks is fair - as other posters have said it will be revealing .

Eviebeans · 02/11/2020 17:14

Exes are usually ex for a reason - from what you've said I can't see why you're going for round 2

Eddielzzard · 02/11/2020 17:17

50/50 or no deal. I would have serious misgivings about this tho.

willowmelangell · 02/11/2020 17:19

You want a romantic partnership and are embarrassed to bring up the cold hard fact of life, living costs.
Don't pay him to live with you.
50/50 on bills.
Being a low earner and funding another is death by a thousand cuts.
Good luck OP I hope you work this out.

Eckhart · 02/11/2020 17:25

Don't offer any input. Just ask him to work out what he thinks he should pay.

You'll know if it's wrong. If you listen to your gut instinct.

But I think you are already not listening to your gut instinct, otherwise, what would you be doing here..?

SunshineCake · 02/11/2020 17:25

This is a going nowhere relationship.

Shitfuckoh · 02/11/2020 17:25

I think some posters have misunderstood what the OP meant.
She's saying currently she gets Council tax discount. When he moves in that will stop. So should he pay the difference between what she was paying as single person (25% discount) and what the bill would be with him there. Or whether he should be paying 50%.

OP, no way has he changed. If he's not willing to equally commit to this relationship financially then he's not willing to commit at all.
You can not be in a partnership (relationship) as unequals in this situation. You may not want to be told he's a cocklodger but FWIW I think you 2 need to stay seperated before this (I can not call him a man, sorry) person destroys you, emotionally and financially.

wildraisins · 02/11/2020 17:27

I think he shoud pay half of the bills regardless of how much they have or haven't changed as a result of him being there. 50% of anything he uses - that includes gas, electricity, internet, tv, council tax etc.

It probably shouldn't include mortgage because that would make things complicated over who owns the house. But if you are renting then it should include rent.

Any partnership should be equal and should get off on an equal footing in my view. It's not fair for him to live for free/ more cheaply than he would if he were elsewhere, and also he should want to help you and contribute. If he doesn't then I'd be questioning how much he really cares or does he just want to live cheaply?

Honestly, my view is that if you can't have a reasonable adult conversation about this at this early stage in the relationship then it doesn't bode well for the future :(

wildraisins · 02/11/2020 17:28

Council tax discount is neither here nor there imo. He should pay half of whatever the council tax bill is from when he moves in.

monkeymonkey2010 · 02/11/2020 17:30

The monthly bills (with out vet/shopping) is around £600 that’s for energy/tv/internet etc not rent/mortgage
WTF??!!!!!
Do you have your heating/lights on 24/7?

Council Tax: You can't claim 25% Single Person discount if he moves in with you - you have to pay the full amount in your name, split between you 50/50.

Bills: He needs to pay 50/50 - he's using them and getting the benefit of them.

Rent: He needs to pay you a nominal amount and make sure it is referenced as RENT on any bank transfers he makes to your account. This is for wear and tear for when YOU pay to fix or replace boiler/refurbs/roof/annual safety checks/replace white goods/furniture etc.

It's probably best that you get some legal advice on how to financially safeguard your property whilst living with a partner.

One of the reasons we went so wrong is that we never did communication (I expected him to be a mind reader)
....and maybe some counselling?
You're blaming yourself because HE decided to play the 'act-dumb' game to avoid talking about and paying his way?
HE has put you in this position - a decent man would have started the talk of rent/bill etc when you were having conversations about living together.

You chucked him out cos he's a cocklodger - and now you're taking him back AND taking on the responsibility of the mental load - again.
He's made it clear he resents having to pay anything - and is not about to act like a mature person and discuss it with you.......
stop letting him make a fool out of you OP - lockdown is no excuse for desperation.

Devilesko · 02/11/2020 17:31

Why would you want to be with a man who breaks something belonging to someone else and doesn't replace it.

The rest is immaterial, you left him once. Confused

SpaceOP · 02/11/2020 17:37

I don't understand. Of course he should pay 50% of the bills. All bills. And your'e about to lose your single person discount once he moves in, so obviously take that into account.

He should also EITHER pay for maintenance and upkeep as it comes up on a 50/50 basis OR he should pay you an amount you agree as rent which would then cover upkeep. He doesn't get to live rent free. You don't have to charge him at the top end of market rates, sure. But he needs to contribute. So, if, for example, you could rent out your house, fully furnished, for £1000 per month, half of that (ie his share) would be £500. You don't want to be making a big profit so he could pay say £300 in rent and that is money that you put towards wear and tear etc.

Also, if you're communicating about how things will be, make sure you include what chores etc will be his responsibility. Otherwise the rent above needs to be increased to reflect that the house is not only fully furnished, but also comes with onsite housekeeping, cooking and gardening.

RincewindsHat · 02/11/2020 17:39

Is he living with you? 50% of all bills is MORE than generous.

I never understand when people in a relationship want to say 'I'm not paying your mortgage!' when one owns and one doesn't. Fine, live somewhere else and pay someone else's mortgage off then - you are under zero obligation to subsidise his living costs! End of. In fact, as you're a partnership, why isn't he offering to contribute more during this difficult time since it's cheaper for him than living alone anyway? Surely that's what a mutually supportive partnership should do?

OpEd · 02/11/2020 17:40

Half each surely? He doesn't live there any less than you do.

Belladonna12 · 02/11/2020 17:41

He should pay 50% towards all bills and 50% towards anything that is broken as he has contributed to the wear and tear. I probably wouldn't expect him to pay towards decorating or anything that would increase the value of the house. If he doesn't agree that it's a good deal, he doesn't need to move in.

FloreanFortescue · 02/11/2020 17:42

50:50 and he should thank his lucky stars he isn't paying rent.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 02/11/2020 17:44

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SpeckledyHen · 02/11/2020 17:46

Obviously 50/50 . Why wouldn’t you .

Holothane · 02/11/2020 17:46

Your getting back together? Ok be very sure about this.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/11/2020 17:49

"The monthly bills (with out vet/shopping) is around £600 that’s for energy/tv/internet etc not rent/mortgage
WTF??!!!!!
Do you have your heating/lights on 24/7?"

I was just reading to see if I was the only person who thinks the bills are huge.

Newfornow · 02/11/2020 17:50

I would make getting back together based upon he pays 50:50. Anything else is taking the piss. So what you’d have the heating on anyway? He’s have to pay to somewhere too. If he doesn’t make a proper contribution based on maintenance and repairs then you are very foolish, I hope the other things he brings to your compensate you. He his company worth you paying for it ?

Belladonna12 · 02/11/2020 17:52

@Gwenhwyfar

"The monthly bills (with out vet/shopping) is around £600 that’s for energy/tv/internet etc not rent/mortgage WTF??!!!!! Do you have your heating/lights on 24/7?"

I was just reading to see if I was the only person who thinks the bills are huge.

Yes, even if the heating and light are on all day, that is extremely high.
FloreanFortescue · 02/11/2020 17:54

@Belladonna12 car payment I'm thinking...

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 02/11/2020 17:58

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Gwenhwyfar · 02/11/2020 17:59

Bella - I live alone so I'd expect a couple (family)'s to be higher, but not by that much.

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