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AIBU?

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Original poster

‘House keeping money’

212 replies

Autumnflakes · 02/11/2020 14:59

I’m getting back with my Ex partner. One of the reasons we went so wrong is that we never did communication (I expected him to be a mind reader).

One of my bugbears was that I never felt like he ever really contributed to the house in any shape or form.

Beforehand I would have said it’s my house but our home - I bought it before we got together and it’s paid off. I’ve said to him numerous times before to treat it like it was his home etc.

Beforehand he hinted that the bills wouldn’t have gone up that much with him moving in. Granted he would probably pay more towards the food shop than me. I don’t think it’s fair that he was essentially living for free.

How should the monthly bills be split? Should he pay anything towards the maintenance? I.e. my microwave broke (he actually broke it but that’s another story) and it was down to me to replace it. Same with decorating down to me to buy it all and put the graft in.

I’m not sure how we can work it out so it’s more ‘fair’ for both of us? I also lost my job during the first wave and relying on a casual minimum wage job.

OP posts:
SengaMac · 02/11/2020 16:12

Ask him bluntly how he intends to pay his way this time... see what he says!

If his ideas seem unfair, don't have him move in.

What expenses does he have now - rent, electric etc?
Maybe use that as a base for what he can pay you.

S00LA · 02/11/2020 16:13

If you own your house then Don’t even think about marrying him without getting legal advice.

Spreadingchestnut · 02/11/2020 16:15

If you turned the tables op and were living in his house, what costs would you offer to pay? Tbh the microwave incident alone is enough to tell you all you need to know.

VividImagination · 02/11/2020 16:15

He should pay 50/50 with something extra in lieu of rent. That can be your spending money whilst you are in a basic wage job.

workshy44 · 02/11/2020 16:22

Are you that desperate for a man that you have to pay for one ?? He has really done a number on you that you seem to think it is your fault that him cocklodging and not paying his way is somehow your fault. Do NOT let him back in, if you do you will be on again yet another user name complaining about the same thing

Mammylamb · 02/11/2020 16:23

50/50 On bills. He should be delighted that he doesn’t need to pay rent. Are you sure that you want back with him though?

Peppafrig · 02/11/2020 16:23

Well if he moves in you will lose your single person discount . Or are you just going to commit benefit fraud ?

Sforsh49 · 02/11/2020 16:23

When I moved in with my OH he paid the mortgage - his house, I would have contributed but he made the point my name wasn't on it so it wasn't fair (we bought together a few years later)

However, I paid half of all the utility bills and bought all the food in lieu of "rent" as it were. I thought that was more than fair.

When the fridge freezer broke I paid half and when the boiler needed a repair I did the same. I used it too.

Dablikeacrap · 02/11/2020 16:24

You’re walking into another cock lodging situation with your eyes wide open.

Agree with a PP. ask him what he thinks is fair. His answer will tell you whether or not he still intends to be a cocklodger

Mrsmadevans · 02/11/2020 16:25

You must be mad OP what on earth are you having him back for . He sounds like a right miser.

bethany39 · 02/11/2020 16:25

@Spreadingchestnut

If you turned the tables op and were living in his house, what costs would you offer to pay? Tbh the microwave incident alone is enough to tell you all you need to know.
I agree with this.

You wouldn't move into his place and pay nothing except a begrudging amount towards the shiny internet package that you'd told him you needed, would you? Maybe have a think about what that says about him as a person.

You say that one of the problems with communication and expecting him to be a mind reader. Why not ask him what he thinks he should pay? I think the answer will tell you what you need to know - i.e. whether he's changed or not.

Gingerkittykat · 02/11/2020 16:26

Where is he living just now? What are his living costs there?

Notcontent · 02/11/2020 16:26

He should pay half of all bills, and also things like a broken microwave. But I am not sure about the cost of maintaining the house - you might be better off not getting him to contribute to avoid the possibility of him making any claim in relation to the house if you split up.

Notcontent · 02/11/2020 16:27

Also, you can’t claim the single person council tax discount if he is living with you.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 02/11/2020 16:27

OP are you certain it's worthwhile investing more of your future in a person who invests nothing of himself in you?

VodselForDinner · 02/11/2020 16:29

Houses have two sets of bills.

Capital expenditure-
Money spent on items or works that impact the value of the physical property.
This would include maintenance, an extension, decorating, repairs.
He should pay none of this. The house is yours and you should not allow him to claim any asserted rights if you break up again.

Operational costs-
These are the costs to running a home, outside of capital expenditure. This includes electricity, groceries, a new microwave.
He should pay towards these 50/50, or split proportionally to your earnings, depending on what you agree.

All utility bills for the house should remain entirely in your name.

iluvgab · 02/11/2020 16:33

Cocklodger.

If he moves in with you, you will lose the single person discount on the council tax so your question as to whether he pays 25% or 50% is irrelevant unless you intend to cheat the system by claiming to be living alone....

He should be paying 50/50 of all bills including the council tax and 50/50 of the food. This is the least he should be doing. If he does not want to do this then do not let him move in as it clear he is taking the piss.

Larger maintenance jobs on the house should be paid for by you - such as new windows, replacing the boiler etc. That way he can't start making claims on things if you were to split. But if he breaks things like the microwave then he should replace them. I also think he should contribute towards replacing white goods/furniture etc and decorating if he's going to be living there over a longer period of time.

But frankly I think you're on a hiding to nothing here. I had an ex like this and I was glad to see the back of him when I eventually got rid. You'd be much better off continuing to live on your own and dating this cocklodger if you so wish. He's not bringing anything of use to the table and his attitude stinks.

LindaEllen · 02/11/2020 16:38

I live in my partner's house that he's owned for nearly 20 years, and how we work it is that we share costs for food/takeaways/days out/fuel etc, but anything that's directly linked to the house is down to him - so I don't pay the mortgage or the house insurance, nor do I get any of the money from his solar panels.

When it comes to buying things like microwaves etc, we just tend to go with either whichever of us has most to spare at the time, or we split it. It might be your house, but assuming you've committed to a long term relationship (and why would you be living together if not?) he should pay for things like that, as he's living there too and using them just as much as you.

To not want to contribute to the bills at all is unfair of him really, and you need to put your foot down about it.

flaviaritt · 02/11/2020 16:40

Why wouldn’t it be 50/50?

Bluntness100 · 02/11/2020 16:40

Op do you think you can even ask him for half? You seem fairly desperate to justify what he should pay. Do you think if you tell him he has to pay his way fairly he won’t want to live with you?
basically if he’s not going to be quids in living with you he’d not touch it?

thisisnotus · 02/11/2020 16:44

Very surprised you want to consider getting back together with this man.

The best advice you've had is from the poster who said you should ask him, without giving any hints or clues, what he thinks is fair. That should tell you everything you need to know.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 02/11/2020 16:48

I don't understand why it wouldn't be a 50/50 split - this "I'll pay the difference between what you're paying now and what you'll pay when I move in" is bullshit.

Now-ex and I split everything 50/50, we each paid household bills to the value of 50% (e.g. we paid the rent split equally, then he paid the utility bills and broadband, and I paid the council tax - we just worked out a way that was even). Food receipts were kept, totted up at the end of the month and whoever had paid more paid the other one back.

NoSquirrels · 02/11/2020 16:50

50 fucking 50 or no deal.

You've paid the house off, there's no mortgage etc. You will have to pay for repairs to the fabric of the house, or big redecorations like carpet, or kitchen/bathroom refurbs. Because in the end, if he has no claim to the equity in the property then you cannot expect him to pay for upkeep or improvement of said property.

But for consumables - microwaves, hoovers, all the stuff of everyday living - then he pays 50%.

If you need a more expensive broadband package, then that's a discussion but I guess would end up 50-50. Same with food shopping - if he's a champagne and caviar type and you're value biscuits and beans then you need to set a budget you both agree to.

If he earns a lot, and you earn a little, you need to agree what is a joint cost and what is personal spending.

Don't get back together without this all sorted in a way that seems fair to you both.

mummmy2017 · 02/11/2020 16:50

Do you not think you'd be better off telling him you want to have a joint home.
You could rent out this house and pocket the money.
Buy a second house together and pay joint bills, see what he says.
If he loves you he will jump at the chance to move forward

Candyfloss99 · 02/11/2020 17:00

He should be paying for half of the bills and paying you rent.

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