AIBU to feel "feminist guilt" for being traditionally feminine?

[feministfemme]

I've NCed as this might be a bit of a sensitive subject, I'm not sure. (could be moved to Feminism board I suppose, but AIBU gets more traction).

I was just wondering if anyone else feels feminist guilt for being traditionally feminine - for example I wear makeup, I have long(ish) hair, I like to bake, my family are my priority, I'd like to be a SAHM etc etc .

Though obviously feminism is about giving women a choice, can't help but feeling like I've picked the wrong ones sometimes!

Feminism is about empowering women so they can then present themselves as they wish. I've always been a feminist but dye my hair and wear makeup - it's just a social convention that we can go along with or not. I do wear trousers mainly and comfortable shoes but again if I want to wear dresses I will do so without worrying about whether or not it's a feminist thing to do.

Why should feel guilty just because you choose to live your life the way you prefer? Too often there is an 'on message' way of doing things and those who promote it are totally intolerant of anyone who doesn't conform. Good luck to you and yours.

I love to make myself pretty. I wear makeup, do my hair, wear nice clothes.
I can cook, iron, sew, knit.
I think men should offer to pay at the first date, hold doors open etc
I like being wolf whistled, I take it as a compliment.

I’m probably a terrible advert for the female sex.

I believe being a feminist means you believe a woman is entitled to express themselves any way they wish to, and can be or do anything they want to. As for what others believe, I couldn't care less.

Women are blooming wonderful. Across the world they create cultures and societies together that include amazing visual displays of clothing and beauty. Male is not the default and not the best.

Feminism is the right for women to express themselves and live their lives as freely as they like. No feminist gives a shit if you've got makeup on. The only people who give a shit about your makeup situation are people you don't need to give a shit about.

Bring a feminist doesn’t conflict with following “feminine” gender norms.

It’s got nothing to do with it, imo.

To me, feminism is believing women should be free from damaging patriarchy, such as male violence and doing all the wifework, plus being in control of our reproduction etc

There is nothing wrong with any 'traditional' or 'feminine' choices as long as they are made freely and you would never seek to deny others the same choices.

(This may be controversial, promise I'm not trying to start a bunfight though). I do feel like there has been a big cultural shift in the past fifty years, from working being socially unacceptable to now being a housewife being socially unacceptable in a lot of circumstances. I guess because there comes an element of people assuming you're backwards thinking or are just doing what you've been convinced to believe, rather than what your preference is.

My genuine preference is being very feminine. I like a lot of elements of femininity, and when I was trying to portray a more "stereotypical" feminist I felt like I had to be very masculine and in charge. Obviously this isn't correct and I'm not suggesting all feminists are like this - but I do think there's a sense of what "real feminists" look like and behave like and if you deviate from that then there are some undercurrents from certain groups that you must automatically believe all women should be a housewife / pretty in pink etc etc.

Sorry just a little train of thought! (please correct me kindly if I'm misinformed haha)

for example I wear makeup, I have long(ish) hair, I like to bake, my family are my priority, I'd like to be a SAHM

I have long hair, wear make up and enjoy baking. I'm a sahm. I don't consider hair, make up or hobbies to have anything to do with feminist principles.

Where did you get those ideas about feminists from? Genuine question

Is it really guilt? Or is it the sneaking suspicion that being a SAHM is a house of cards? It's fine as long as you're in a relationship with a man who's besotted with you and treats you well, but deep down we all know feelings and behaviours can change. Every woman needs money of her own.

I’m a feminist - and I love to bake, I darn my husband’s socks, I paint my nails, I have a 9 steps skincare routine, I work out because I want to look nice, etc.
These are all my choices, and if I wanted to stop doing that tomorrow, it would be my decision, no one else’s.

Plenty of women are feminine and “in charge”.

As far as being a SAHM goes, do you think it’s unfeminist because you’re undervaluing the work that bringing up children involved? Society does, not earning is frowned upon, and the pay for people doing it formally is appalling. Raising the next generation is incredibly important and someone has to do it. You either do it yourself 9-5 or pay someone to do it. It’s a valid choice to do it yourself if your household can afford it.

I don't want to misconstrue anything - I'm not saying feminism is about "feminine activities" AT ALL. There are much more pressing issues on hand, like domestic violence for example. And some of my viewpoints are definitely warped -e.g. I grew up with a feminist mother who really hated the concept of anyone being a housewife, myself included.

I'm not trying to trivialise the concept of feminism, I'm just wondering if anyone else who identifies as a femme person feels like they should conform to more masculinised ideals in order to be taken seriously as a "proper feminist" (which I admit probably has seeped into a bit of my sense of self).

Not agreeing with this thought process, and not suggesting this is what anyone else should do. I'm just wondering if anyone else feels a bit like this some times.

Don’t be daft.

One of the biggest problems with feminism is that women end up feeling like they’re doing something wrong by being stereotypically girly, or allowing their daughters to be, and it’s bullshit.

One thing feminism should be doing is challenging the way traditionally feminine skills and roles are devalued.
Why on earth should you feel bad about liking to bake, rather than proud of your skill at it? Why should caring for children in the home be considered less valuable than working outside the home, particularly given how many jobs are far less directly useful to humanity?

Op I think you need to reclaim some feminist pride in the value of what you do!

Do what you like, but perhaps give some thought to why would happen if your partner should either: get ill and be unable to work; decides that he would prefer to be the SAHP; doesn't feel that he should carry the financial burden; leaves you; dies....

Being ultra feminine and focussing on the home is all well and good while someone else is financially supporting that home but, you know, shit happens.

Have a look at those ultra feminine women who are making money their own way, who are financially independent in their own right. Who are capable of standing in their own two feet in their own way.

Protect yourself, protect your family, and don't ride on someone else' financial coattails. Be an ADULT.

There is nothing wrong with any 'traditional' or 'feminine' choices as long as they are made freely and you would never seek to deny others the same choices
And those choices are made with an understanding that no choice is made in a vacuum.

The branch of feminism that dresses women being patriarchy's foot soldiers as empowerment concerns me.

One day I'll get splinters from this fence. I like getting my hair done but hate the way the beauty industry is selling a male gaze version of femininity under the guise of empowerment. What's actually being said is 'all this shit we've been selling for years is still all about appealing to men, but now we're going to sell it as being all about you living your best life'.

Surely a lot of your perceptions of feminism come from the women around you?

My Mum was a barrister when I was young, and now she's almost 70 she's a take-no-shit sort you'd always assume was a staunch feminist. However, she's also the most ladylike woman I know, takes care of her DH and loves being a Granny. I don't have a great deal of time for anyone who has a preconceived idea of how a feminist "should" look, sound, dress, behave or think. There's no "should" about it.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Plenty of women are feminine and “in charge”.

As far as being a SAHM goes, do you think it’s unfeminist because you’re undervaluing the work that bringing up children involved? Society does, not earning is frowned upon, and the pay for people doing it formally is appalling. Raising the next generation is incredibly important and someone has to do it. You either do it yourself 9-5 or pay someone to do it. It’s a valid choice to do it yourself if your household can afford it.

No I fully agree that there are feminine women in charge. Sorry I'm probably phrasing this really shittily - when I say "masculine and in charge" I mean I personally felt like I had to compete with men by being more manly, as opposed to being a feminine woman in charge because feminine women in charge often weren't taken as seriously.

I fully agree that every woman should have a choice, and that being feminine does not by any means equal weak at all. I probably shouldn't mention or talk about the SAHM part as I really don't want to start a working mum vs SAHM fight as I don't think it's conducive to anything really. My general point is feeling as though you're "letting the side down" to a certain extent by doing the traditionally feminine thing, despite it being an actual personal preference. I don't actually logically think this way or think of other women this way, I guess I feel slightly more judged by other people is what I'm trying to get at.

Is it, rather than guilt in what you’re doing, maybe a feeling that you’re not acting on your feminist beliefs enough?

I say that because I feel it. Apart from wittering on to friends and donating to Women’s Aid etc I’m not really an active part of the cause, as it were

@RunningFromInsanity

I love to make myself pretty. I wear makeup, do my hair, wear nice clothes. I can cook, iron, sew, knit. I think men should offer to pay at the first date, hold doors open etc I like being wolf whistled, I take it as a compliment.

I’m probably a terrible advert for the female sex.

I really don't think you're a feminist

It's about choice. Being able to choose. You can choose.

@TheCountessofFitzdotterel

I'm trying quite hard to see that I do have skills and (sometimes) interesting hobbies, but I think I probably do undervalue myself quite a lot. If you have any tips on "feminist pride" I'd love to hear them honestly!

@ClaryFairchild Erm I'm not sure I would consider being a SAHM "riding on someone else's financial coattails" or avoiding adulthood. This ideology is maybe part of the reason why I struggle to value my own skills.