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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH home from deployment and already annoyed me

210 replies

Rhynswynd · 02/10/2020 12:26

My husband has come home from deployment an hour and a half ago. He ruined the big surprise I had set up by not telling me when he was close to home so I could get the kids ready to see daddy for the first time in months. He just rocked up to the front door ignoring all the decorations and didn’t let me know he was close. I am so upset. I worked really hard on the surprise for the kids and he just turned up. I messaged multiple times asking what time he was arriving, if he was close etc.

I am really happy he is home but also devastated. Am I completely unreasonable to feel this way?

OP posts:
seayork2020 · 02/10/2020 12:29

I know people on here will say that is shocking how dare he, I would just want him home or to be home myself if I was the one coming home

That to me is the important thing

SoupDragon · 02/10/2020 12:31

Maybe he wanted to surprise you

pandafunfactory · 02/10/2020 12:33

WTAF!
He's home safe. Maybe he didn't want a fuss.

I sincerely hope you're not put out because you didn't get a reunion video to share online?

BoulangerieBabs · 02/10/2020 12:33

Devastated? Is that not a bit over the top of a reaction?

Just be glad he's home in one piece is my piece of advice ffiw.

Furbs · 02/10/2020 12:35

I think he possibly was doing the opposite of what you were doing. You were trying to surprise him whilst he was trying to surprise you.

Can you book a nice dinner or get a nice takeaway tonight. Try to salvage a nice day out of it.

ComtesseDeSpair · 02/10/2020 12:36

Your DC haven’t seen their father for months. You didn’t need to organise a surprise around him coming home for them - him just walking through the door IS their surprise!

Honestly, he’ll have been more excited to be going home than thinking about texting you with his exact arrival time and reading your mind hat there was a surprise planned. Don’t ruin a lovely weekend by being silly over it.

keeprocking · 02/10/2020 12:37

Not everyone likes razzmatazz, after a deployment maybe he just wanted to get home. Think of the other families who may have no-one to welcome home and grow up!
Do forces families still throw the green smarties onto the grass for the children to spend an hour finding???????????

SqidgeBum · 02/10/2020 12:37

Why was it so important that decorations and surprises are included? Were you planning on getting a nice video or pictures?

I imagine for the kids, they are just happy he is home. I get you put effort into a surprise, but the surprise is him, not decorations. I would suggest taking a few minutes to gather your head, see the bigger picture that him being home should be the main thing, and try to appreciate that.

user15412486546 · 02/10/2020 12:38

He just rocked up to the front door ignoring all the decorations

I don't understand. What did you want him to do with the decorations?

User7312019 · 02/10/2020 12:41

YABU and awful how can you possibly be making this about you and putting a negative spin on this surely this is a reverse?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/10/2020 12:41

He could argue that you wanted to ruin his surprise. I think you are projecting other emotion into the situation. It must be stressful when he is away and unsettling when he is back. He may not want to celebrate in the way you want to celebrate. Find a way you can both enjoy his return.

Dee1975 · 02/10/2020 12:41

Yeah I agree with some other posters, maybe he wanted to surprise you with being earlier than expected.
I get you are disappointed because you had been planning your own ‘welcome home’. But maybe tell him what you had planned. ‘It’s the thought that counts’ ....

pepsicolagirl · 02/10/2020 12:42

I think what you had planned sounded lovely and it's nice that you wanted to show him how much he had been missed!!

When my brother came home from Afghan his wife barely even acknowledged it and honestly it really affected him. They are no longer married.

LadyLoungeALot · 02/10/2020 12:43

Did you tell him you wanted to surprise the children?

TheDuchessofMalfy · 02/10/2020 12:43

Yeah I’m guessing he wanted to surprise you!

I often think surprises are more fun for the giver than the getter. Just move on and be glad he’s home.

Sexnotgender · 02/10/2020 12:43

He’s probably exhausted and just wanted to be home. You’re being very unreasonable.

Newfornow · 02/10/2020 12:43

Don’t let your disappointment spoils the reunion, sounds like he wanted to surprise you. Perhaps he was actually avoiding it.

Cocomarine · 02/10/2020 12:44

I think it’s rude to ignore the effort that you’d made, but you haven’t said what you did, or what he did. If you made a “welcome home daddy” banner and he went straight to hugging his kids without praising you for your banner efforts, then YABU.

He’s just got home - it’s a big deal for everyone, don’t make him perform.

Windywendys · 02/10/2020 12:46

Surprises and big home welcomes are standard when your coming home from being deployed. It’s a big thing for families. Dads not just working away he is potentially in a war zone/dangerous area risking his/her life the excitement the kids,wives and parents is feel is real. My ex mil used to tie a bloody yellow ribbon round my bils gate when he was due back.

I also feel that people who work for the forces and get deployed can be somewhat ignorant to how other people feel ( their family)

So because of my experience of deployment I think he was a bit unreasonable considering you’d asked him repeatedly to let you know.

This is t just about him returning this was also about you and your children greeting him. I understand where your coming from

Cheeseandwin5 · 02/10/2020 12:46

@User7312019
How could it be a reverse? Sorry trying to wrack my brains to think of the scenario you are suggesting.

Afibtomyboy · 02/10/2020 12:48

It’s done
The surprise was spoilt

Don’t know let that spoil his first few days back.

Plaster a smile on and enjoy

Dashie · 02/10/2020 12:48

I am a military spouse. I think it can be hard to understand how this feels for you as well as for him if you haven’t lived it yourself.
People saying it should be about him and not about you are not completely correct. It is about you too as you are celebrating getting to the end of the tour, hopefully in one piece.

Return from deployment is so emotionally charged and you will both feel ups and downs. Part of how you feel may be simmering resentment that you have been doing everything for months and then he waltzes in and doesn’t show recognition of your hard work, including your planned welcome!
Take a deep breath, give him a hug and enjoy being back together as a family. It can take time to reconnect and not hold that resentment against him.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 02/10/2020 12:49

How was he supposed to know you were planning a surprise?! Maybe he wanted to surprise you.

If you wanted to surprise the kids, you should have got him in on the plan.

I’m guessing there’s a backstory?

MaskingForIt · 02/10/2020 12:49

Unless you’d both agreed ahead of time on a “surprise arrival” for the children, then YABU to impose your idea of a surprise onto him.

This is where communication between couples is really important, especially around events where people have different expectations.

If he wanted to quietly come home to his family and you wanted to fancy surprise to film for Facebook, then one of you is always going to be disappointed. Talk it through beforehand next time.

MsEllany · 02/10/2020 12:50

I don’t think YABU to be upset. But try not to let it taint your day - in the grand scheme of things this is very far down the list of worrisome behaviour.