Page 5 | DH home from deployment and already annoyed me

Rhynswynd · 2020-10-02T11:26:33+00:00

My husband has come home from deployment an hour and a half ago. He ruined the big surprise I had set up by not telling me when he was close to home so I could get the kids ready to see daddy for the first time in months. He just rocked up to the front door ignoring all the decorations and didn’t let me know he was close. I am so upset. I worked really hard on the surprise for the kids and he just turned up. I messaged multiple times asking what time he was arriving, if he was close etc. I am really happy he is home but also devastated. Am I completely unreasonable to feel this way?

Dancingwithdaftness · 02/10/2020 15:16

On the one hand you wanted to surprise him (kids at the door, decorations up) but then you say that you wanted it to be a surprise for the kids. Which is it?
Irrelevant now really that he's home.

Leaannb · 02/10/2020 15:20

@Windywendys

Leaannb I have three service men in my family.

You might have felt like that and that’s your prerogative.

But these three men were/are part of a family unit and they we supposed to equal to there wives and children but it didn’t always balance out like that. The wives were at home keeping every thing going, looking after the kids by themselves for months on end, writing letters, keeping everyone’s spirits up to be placed far down the bottom of the list in priorities when they came home.

It’s a mugs life sometimes being married to a service man. Tbh I could never understand why their wives had kids with them.

My husband was the one left at home with the kids when I was deployed. I was left at home with the kids when he was deployed. No one is mug. You know what you sign up for when you join the military AND when you make the conscious choice to marry a military member. You knew this going in. As I said no one is mug. We knew what we were doing.

eatsleepread · 02/10/2020 15:28

You're being completely ridiculous, sorry.

Wakeoff · 02/10/2020 15:30

@Leaannb evidently they didn't teach you that people have different experiences and perspectives. Great that you fully knew what it all entailed, and great that you feel the way you do about it, doesn't mean you speak for everyone.

Leaannb · 02/10/2020 15:41

[quote Wakeoff]@Leaannb evidently they didn't teach you that people have different experiences and perspectives. Great that you fully knew what it all entailed, and great that you feel the way you do about it, doesn't mean you speak for everyone.[/quote]
Very correct. However, these "surprises" for returning deployed personnel are found upon and actively discouraged by MY military. Reunification after deployment is a process. Families cause a lot of issues by doing these surprises.
I will never forget 2007 when we UK and US forces returned to the UK that Christmas. My neighbor (RAF) was all welcomed home by his family popping off Christmas Crackers right by the front room. He never made it inside his home. He ended up under one of their cars screaming because he thought his own children were trying to kill him. He was taken to a psych ward. Not only was he damaged by that but so were his children. His children had to hear how their father thought they were killing him....These surprises are not all fun and games. It can be incredibly damaging to all involved. Thats why the guidance for OUR military is quiet homecoming, give the deployed some time to complete their re adjustment counseling with the fam I ly and then a large party a few weeks away. They recommend that the deployed surprise the children. Not the other way around

JorisBonson · 02/10/2020 15:44

As a pad brat who barely saw my father until I was a teenager, YABU. Your kids will just want to see him regardless, and he probably just wants to get home.

It will also help them get used to the fact that this is just the way life is.

unmarkedbythat · 02/10/2020 15:45

YANBU, it has to be difficult to be married to someone deployed and managing the kids emotions and expectations on top of it all. I don't think he is BU either, I don't have experience of either of your situations to judge really- I can see him not wanting any fuss, I can see you and the dc being desperate to celebrate and feeling rubbish that he circumvented that. To steal from another place, No one Is The Arsehole here.

Yobean · 02/10/2020 16:02

I'm sure he didn't do it to hurt you OP, he probably just thought ah I'm nearly home and got there when he could. Hope you have managed to get over that and are enjoying having him home.

oakleaffy · 02/10/2020 16:13

@Dashie

I am a military spouse. I think it can be hard to understand how this feels for you as well as for him if you haven’t lived it yourself. People saying it should be about him and not about you are not completely correct. It is about you too as you are celebrating getting to the end of the tour, hopefully in one piece.

Return from deployment is so emotionally charged and you will both feel ups and downs. Part of how you feel may be simmering resentment that you have been doing everything for months and then he waltzes in and doesn’t show recognition of your hard work, including your planned welcome!
Take a deep breath, give him a hug and enjoy being back together as a family. It can take time to reconnect and not hold that resentment against him.

Unless one is from a Forces Family it would be hard to understand.

{I'm not} but have had relatives who were..and FIL turned up unannounced and his then girlfriend didn't even recognise him!

It must be difficult for both sides.

Hope all goes well for your family, @Rhynswynd

JKRforPM · 02/10/2020 16:22

I’ve been military wife for 20 years (wow that’s frightened me now I’ve written it down!)
OP in the course of a marriage there are times in life when you need to put your DH first, and this is one of them. All of the support information you will have received stresses that low key quiet homecomings are best in the immediate aftermath of a deployment.

Don’t get me wrong OP because sometimes it is hard work, and it can be relentless and bloody stressful being on your own for extended periods, it ain’t no picnic, but your DH has been away from his children, his wife, his home, (not to mention potentially been working in a war zone/etc).

Plan a party/celebration for a few weeks when your DH is more settled.

Craiglang · 02/10/2020 16:27

I get it. Deployments are bloody hard, not only for those serving them but those left at home. I totally get why you're upset. It's ok.

I think the majority of those saying you're overreacting have never been in that situation before. It's been so long, you've built it up in your head, expectations of how you/they/the kids will feel. And it's a total anti-climax. Of course you're allowed to be upset. And ignore anyone who invalidates your feelings, especially if they've never done it themselves.

ginghamtablecloths · 02/10/2020 16:37

I don't blame you for being upset but he's home safe and that's the main thing. Bear in mind that he's not a mind reader and had no idea what you were planning. Try to let this niggle go.

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 02/10/2020 16:37

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP.

Emotions are bound to be fraught when he returns, it's a massive change. You've geared yourself up for it to be a certain way and it's not gone as planned. It's a hugely emotional day and the anti-climax will have been the final straw that broke the camel's back.

I'd be gutted about the video too, that would have been a lovely keep sake but there's always next time. He's home, he's safe and you're together. Give it a couple of days and you'll all be used to each other again.

Toiletrollbuyer · 02/10/2020 16:41

I am ex military, and to be honest all I wanted was to get home, have a bath and sit on the sofa. You can’t even begin to imagine some of the things we have had to deal with and see, and it means we are absolutely not in a rational or ‘normal’ place for a while.
Sit down with him, have a chat, don’t be angry and just work together. Do something fun over the next few days

Karenhiggingbottom · 02/10/2020 16:49

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DianaT1969 · 02/10/2020 16:51

This thread makes me so sad. Are we living life through a lens so much that we don't see what's real? The homecoming was him coming home. No more. Balloons and a video doesn't make the homecoming special for him.

Leaannb · 02/10/2020 16:52

@JKRforPM

I’ve been military wife for 20 years (wow that’s frightened me now I’ve written it down!) OP in the course of a marriage there are times in life when you need to put your DH first, and this is one of them. All of the support information you will have received stresses that low key quiet homecomings are best in the immediate aftermath of a deployment.

Don’t get me wrong OP because sometimes it is hard work, and it can be relentless and bloody stressful being on your own for extended periods, it ain’t no picnic, but your DH has been away from his children, his wife, his home, (not to mention potentially been working in a war zone/etc).

Plan a party/celebration for a few weeks when your DH is more settled.

Thank You So MUCH!!!! This was my point exactly

Leaannb · 02/10/2020 16:53

@Toiletrollbuyer

I am ex military, and to be honest all I wanted was to get home, have a bath and sit on the sofa. You can’t even begin to imagine some of the things we have had to deal with and see, and it means we are absolutely not in a rational or ‘normal’ place for a while. Sit down with him, have a chat, don’t be angry and just work together. Do something fun over the next few days

Thank You...That hot shower bath meant everything

JorisBonson · 02/10/2020 16:59

Agree with all the military wives - while we were always so excited for my DF to come home, but were asked just to give him a little bit of breathing space to relax. More often than not he was filthy and desperately needed that bath 😂

mbosnz · 02/10/2020 16:59

Gosh, I've got nothing to add that's useful, but wanted to say thank you to everyone who has given some insight into what it's like for the deployed military on coming home, what it's like for the parent who has kept the plates spinning in the air while they were gone - and what it's like for the kids, also.

It's been a real eye opener. (I'm never going to whinge about DH travelling for work again.)

Brefugee · 02/10/2020 17:07

Whenever the dads came home we just wanted the presents they brought us which were designed to keep us occupied for 30 minutes or so.

Leaannb · 02/10/2020 17:10

@JorisBonson

Agree with all the military wives - while we were always so excited for my DF to come home, but were asked just to give him a little bit of breathing space to relax. More often than not he was filthy and desperately needed that bath 😂

The fucking sand. The endless sand. Over there you feel lile you are bathing in sand. No such things as clean clothes because they are full of sand. Boots full of sand. That first hot shower and clean, non filled with sand pjs was heaven. The best way to surprise a deployed service member is a quiet night with good food and a family movie (No action movies) and everyone on the couch jist relaxing

JorisBonson · 02/10/2020 17:12

@Leaannb I remember the feeling of the sand in the carpet under my feet!

BewilderedDoughnut · 02/10/2020 17:15

I feel a bit sorry for him.

You don’t seem to understand or perhaps care what HE needs when returning home. You also don’t seem to understand much about the complexities of a deployment and how it can affect people.

It’s all YOU, YOU, YOU and what you want!

JKRforPM · 02/10/2020 17:21

@Leaannb

To my shame it took me a while to cotton on to why DH didn’t want beach holidays.

Through him I’ve met a lot of women in the military and I’ve been lucky enough to build some friendships with some, and all I can say is my hat goes off to you, you are a special breed of strong women!

(I’m assuming you are a woman if I’m wrong I am sorry!)