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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH home from deployment and already annoyed me

210 replies

Rhynswynd · 02/10/2020 12:26

My husband has come home from deployment an hour and a half ago. He ruined the big surprise I had set up by not telling me when he was close to home so I could get the kids ready to see daddy for the first time in months. He just rocked up to the front door ignoring all the decorations and didn’t let me know he was close. I am so upset. I worked really hard on the surprise for the kids and he just turned up. I messaged multiple times asking what time he was arriving, if he was close etc.

I am really happy he is home but also devastated. Am I completely unreasonable to feel this way?

OP posts:
blue25 · 02/10/2020 14:16

You need to get some perspective. To say you’re devastated just seems ridiculous quite frankly.

HeddaGarbled · 02/10/2020 14:16

Your life events are not a production. Your family are ordinary people with normal emotions that they should be allowed to handle in a quiet and sensible way if that is what they choose, not forced to perform in the movie of your life you have going on in your head.

Emmacb82 · 02/10/2020 14:18

It’s a shame that he’s only been home for an hour and a half and you’re on Mumsnet instead of revelling in the fact that your husband is home and safe!

It’s disappointing when you plan something a certain way and it doesn’t happen, but don’t let it overshadow the fact that he’s home and the kids have their dad back! That should be enough x

IndecentFeminist · 02/10/2020 14:21

@leaannb the deployed are not the only people who matter. The rest of the family are equally important.

Windywendys · 02/10/2020 14:24

[quote IndecentFeminist]@leaannb the deployed are not the only people who matter. The rest of the family are equally important.[/quote]
This I agree. OP if your still reading most people will have no clue what it’s like.

The moment is past try and enjoy him being back Flowers

Eckhart · 02/10/2020 14:27

Were the kids surprised to see him? That was your goal, wasn't it? It sounds like they must have been; you were.

Scbchl · 02/10/2020 14:30

What did HE want, did you ask that? Hes been away however long from his children and maybe just wanted to come home without the drama and fuss. I think yabu. Surely the kids will be happy whatever way. What did you have planned?

VettiyaIruken · 02/10/2020 14:31

Aren't you really saying you're cross with him for not being a mind reader?
That's quite unfair don't you think?

Unless when you say surprise you mean not a surprise at all because you asked him to let you know when he was close because you had a surprise for him.

BewilderedDoughnut · 02/10/2020 14:34

I think YABVU.

He can have whatever kind of homecoming he wants. The fuss was for you not for him. My Dad just wanted to rest when he got home from deployment.

It seems you have an image in your mind of how you want things to look but it’s just not going to work in reality!

Howlooseisyourgoose · 02/10/2020 14:35

@TrickyD

But in her OP she did say "... so I could get the kids ready to see daddy for the first time in months. " And "I worked really hard on the surprise for the kids and he just turned up."

No drip feeding there.

It doesn’t say that she was trying to collude with DH on a surprise for the kids. Which is a key point.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/10/2020 14:42

Weren't they still surprised though?

MaskingForIt · 02/10/2020 14:44

OP has been looking after their children for the past 4 months and keeping the house ticking over without him, that's not easy.

Exactly like single parents do. Only without the good pay cheque and cheap housing.

MaskingForIt · 02/10/2020 14:48

@VettiyaIruken Aren't you really saying you're cross with him for not being a mind reader?

This should be sellotaped on the door of AIBU.

So many problems would be resolved if people communicated openly and honestly and didn’t expect their spouse to read their mind.

Wakeoff · 02/10/2020 14:48

Exactly like single parents do. Only without the good pay cheque and cheap housing.

So? OP isn't a single parent so it's not relevent. Depending on the trade the wage isn't always better than being outside, not everyone stays in the military to provide a good wage for their family against their will, many want to, and require a huge amount of family support to do so- fair enough if you all agree. Not everyone lives on the patch either, most of us didn't follow our husbands around as we had our own careers, but even if so, that 'cheap housing' is a benefit, but also at the price of living away from friends and family, which is a sacrifice. So no, women shouldn't be eternally grateful and thankful for all of that as default, and think ah well it's alright as I could be single and have to do this alone anyway.

Backofthenewt · 02/10/2020 14:49

Husband home safe and alive from deployment = Devastated.

How have no idea how lucky you are op.

MaskingForIt · 02/10/2020 14:51

@MsEllany Also, nowhere does this say this is for Facebook, quite a lot of us manage surprises without filming them or even talking about it afterwards.

😂 Literally a few posts down the OP says she wants to film it!

Leaannb · 02/10/2020 14:52

[quote IndecentFeminist]@leaannb the deployed are not the only people who matter. The rest of the family are equally important.[/quote]
Not in this case. Come talk to me when you have been deployed 6 times and tell me who is important. You have no idea what you are talkimg about. Many times surprises are not good for anyone involved when a deployed serviceman returns home

ArtichokeAardvark · 02/10/2020 14:56

I can see where you are coming from. My dad was in the army and whenever he came home my brother and I would decorate the house to make a big fuss of his return. It made it into a big celebration.

That said, from the other side your DH probably just wanted to get home after being away so long!

ArtichokeAardvark · 02/10/2020 15:00

Wait, I just re-read. So the surprise was for the children, not for him. In which case I think you're being a bit silly.

JunkCrumpet · 02/10/2020 15:02

Your poor husband.

Windywendys · 02/10/2020 15:10

Leaannb I have three service men in my family.

You might have felt like that and that’s your prerogative.

But these three men were/are part of a family unit and they we supposed to equal to there wives and children but it didn’t always balance out like that. The wives were at home keeping every thing going, looking after the kids by themselves for months on end, writing letters, keeping everyone’s spirits up to be placed far down the bottom of the list in priorities when they came home.

It’s a mugs life sometimes being married to a service man. Tbh I could never understand why their wives had kids with them.

CakeGirl2020 · 02/10/2020 15:12

All the decorations etc were for your benefit though, really.

His just got home from months away, I’d just be glad to be in my own home I think. I don’t think I’d give a fuck about decorations.

Devastated?? No devastated is when your DH dies of cancer or doesn’t make it home safe

Elsewyre · 02/10/2020 15:13

[quote IndecentFeminist]@leaannb the deployed are not the only people who matter. The rest of the family are equally important.[/quote]
Not really

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 02/10/2020 15:14

I wanted to add, my XH works abroad for months at a time, so when he comes back it’s always exciting for the DCs and for him. But generally he pops in to say hello, has a cup of tea, then heads off to his hotel for a rest before coming back to spend time with them. Travelling is tiring and, especially for introverts, it can take a little time to settle back into family life.

I once tried to arrange it so that the DCs didn’t know he was coming back, but then plans changed so we ended up telling them. My DCs said they’d prefer NOT to be surprised by him knocking on the door, otherwise everyone there’s an Amazon delivery from then on, they’ll be wondering if it’s him again!

Sometimes surprises are more fun for those who are in on it than for the surpriseee.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 02/10/2020 15:14

Every time*