DH home from deployment and already annoyed me

[Rhynswynd]

My husband has come home from deployment an hour and a half ago. He ruined the big surprise I had set up by not telling me when he was close to home so I could get the kids ready to see daddy for the first time in months. He just rocked up to the front door ignoring all the decorations and didn’t let me know he was close. I am so upset. I worked really hard on the surprise for the kids and he just turned up. I messaged multiple times asking what time he was arriving, if he was close etc.

I am really happy he is home but also devastated. Am I completely unreasonable to feel this way?

Thank god for the arm chair forces critics ! I’m so relieved you are here, with all your vast wisdom and experience of working in different places in the world where the forces underake operations, and of course your knowledge of what the forces actually do, it’s so good you are here to tell us all your opinion, which is based on nothing more than your over inflated sense of self.

Actually, it is precisely that experience which means I know that the vast majority of those “deployed” are enjoying a fairly easy life sipping 60p G&Ts in the bars of the Falklands, Cyprus etc. After quarantine there aren’t lockdown conditions in many of these places, meaning life is easier than back in the U.K.

YANBU to be upset but he clearly wanted to surprise you too.

Let it go..... you're just over emotional to have him home. Make the most of it.

I think people underestimate the impact on families of someone being away on deployment. It is not just about the person away serving - they at least have a job and a mission to do - it’s almost as hard if not harder on the parent left behind and it’s also an adjustment when they come back. I can see why it was a big deal for you OP, it’s as much about him acknowledging and appreciating how you’ve been holding things together on your own while he has been away as anything.

it’s almost as hard if not harder on the parent left behind

Of course it is. It’s so much harder to stay at home with the kids than get shot at or at risk of being blown up by an IED.

JKRforPM gives good advice. Sending you a hug from someone why has been where you are. At least he came straight home. There’s nothing worse than finding out from third parties that they’ve gone straight out on the lash whilst you’re stuck with the kids, then come in minging with a police escort 😂. Let it go and get on with things whilst he settles back in step with family life. I always found that deployments mentally started at least 2 weeks before departure and over 2 weeks after returning, longer if there had been dark experiences. He may be back but his brain is coping with the change. Give him time x

Of course it is. It’s so much harder to stay at home with the kids than get shot at or at risk of being blown up by an IED.

Not all deployments are to active warzones . I don't know why it's a competition, it's pretty shit having your life dictated by your partner's job and carrying on balancing children with your job when they're away, same as it's bloody hard being deployed.

There’s a lot of people on here giving opinions who have nothing to do with the military or the lifestyle. I’m in the Army myself but so is my partner so I can sympathise with both sides here. Deployments are an emotional rollercoaster the whole time, including the return. You have this big idea of a reunion and it’s upsetting when it doesn’t play out that way. There’s also the adjustment period after he gets home when your schedule & lifestyle is upside down by adding another person into your lives again! I’m sorry your surprise didn’t work out, he probably wanted to surprise you too or didn’t realise you’d have something important planned . I’d just take the disappointment and plan a little nice surprise for him in the next few weeks. I’m glad he’s home safe, enjoy having him around again

I was only a jack dusty on HMs cruise line, saying no to people who wanted some extra kit whilst bobbing away for 6 months at sea though. DH was army and I left when pregnant, never realised until seeing solely the 'other side' how hard that also is, especially with little ones in the mix.

@VinylDetective

Not all deployments are to war zones. It actually is harder being the one left behind depending where they go. My deployment coming up is to a combat zone and it’ll be awful and crazy hot the whole time. Some of my friends have deployed to Europe and spent the whole time living in comfy barracks and going out on the town. Being the one left at home with the kids from what is essentially a vacation is definitely worse.

Plus when deployed you have your military family around you. When you’re left at home it’s often in an area you don’t know, don’t have many friends or help with the kids. I used to think the deployed person had it a lot worse until I actually joined the military myself, then my POV totally changed

Having been the one left at home during the Falklands War and two tours of N Ireland before the peace agreement, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the one who had it worst. But of course I know nothing.

I get it OP, my DH left the forces before we had DCs but planning outfits for him coming home, getting the house sorted, nice meal etc, were a big part of coping with him being away. I imagine if I had children while he was in the forces it would have been a big thing for them too. I'm guessing him turning up out of the blue was overwhelming for all of you. Things like this are hard to understand for people whose partners are not in the forces and there is often the expectation for spouses at home to put thier feelings to one side. He probably did just want to surprise you too and didn't mean anything bad by it.

@VinylDetective it's not that you know nothing, but no one is right or wrong, but it's not fair to dismiss the opinions of those 'left behind' who do find it hard. It really depends as well, i wasn't particularly ever in harm's way when deployed and had an absolute ball- for others it's very different. it's hard for both, who has it harder is very teedious in every scenario, including this one.

I’ve been an army wife through yours of Afghanistan you’re being an absolutely dick

I find it really annoying how MNers so often decide to zoom in on one word in the OP and pick it apart. When people write they're usually just throwing out what they feel on a board that's meant to be supportive, not analysing the connotations of every word like a GCSE language extract. The OP said "devastated," big deal. No need to shit all over her by stating (over and over and over again) that ONE DAY HE MIGHT NOT COME HOME SAVE YOUR DEVASTATION FOR THENNN. That's bloody cruel. Like she isn't already aware of that?!

I think there's been some sound advice re: letting it go and perhaps her reaction being, well, an overreaction. But some people on here are so damn nasty.

@Scaraffito, I totally agree that it’s not a competition which is why I got cross about the comment about it being harder for the one left behind.

It’s not me still having nightmares more than 30 years on, I didn’t see the dreadful things my bloke did and I didn’t see my friend taken out in front of my eyes. It enrages me to see people trivialise the things they’ve gone through. It’s so disrespectful.

My one used to do the same would arrive without even letting me no he was home just would be standing in the kitchen or hall...and all we wanted to say and cry was welcome home...thank the lord he’s home safe and well and in one piece..You don’t no what they went threw on deployment.and some times were better not pushing the issue ..it’s not about taking snap shots on phones etc I understand your dissapointed but take snap shots of him hugging his family I bet your kids were so happy to see him .there’s nothing like this feeling of having them back after several months or sometimes over a year..be kind he just needs normality now..and a wife that will smile and make a good meal.normal life resumed..have a happy life and be thankful he Walked threw the door.x. It’s a hard time for a family .try and be calm.love to all x

I am in my 60's now, but I have known all my adult life that I could not be married to a man in any of the forces. I believe that as long as I mainly got satisfaction, or even enjoyed my particular job, that I could have served in the Navy or Airforce myself, I just couldn"t have been the partner at home, especially if I had children as well. I am sure that I will get shot down in flames for this (unless as usual my posts are completely ignored), but I think it is usually much easier to be the one away serving in the forces - even if that person is in one of the most dangerous positions, they know what is happening to them, so unless they have some worrying drama going on at home, they are not under constant fear that their partner in some foreign land won't survive, or may come home with life changing injuries, either physical or mental, or maybe even both. The partner at home will usually have to try to keep the family home ticking over, their children heathy, well adjusted, educated and happy (the hardest job in the world in my opinion), and probably do a paid job as well. The partner at home with the children will have to put on a brave face for the children, deal with most of any problems with the children, or their property, or their neighbours; they might not be surrounded by other forces spouses, and even if they are they are not necessarily all friendly and supportive. If they live on the base they are probably many miles away from their own family and friends. Their main focus (apart from any children) will be that date on the calendar when their partner gets home. I could not have coped with being seperated from my DOH for that long, and I greatly admire those that do, and who can welcome their loved ones back into a happy and thriving home. So I have the utmost respect, and every sympathy with the OP, and all the other partners who have to stay at home awaiting the return of their loved ones. If planning a surprise helps get them (and any children) over that emotional time then good luck to them. I think that it is the returning soldiers, sailors, and air personnel, that should be making the effort, and showing their gratitude to their emotionally and physically exhausted partners.

You’re just feeling over emotional at the situation and that’s understandable after a long separation. I hope you salvaged the day and manage to have a lovely time with DH and DC. Don’t be hard on yourself or DH and try to move on quickly - with apologies where necessary!

Dashie is completely right. Unless you’ve been in that situation yourself, you can’t understand the mixed feeling you have. It’s so hard to explain. You want them back safe, but there is, (or can be), a tiny little bit resentment as well. Not all detachments are awful, you know...

@Bl3ss3dm0m, your last sentence is one of the most crass things I’ve ever read. Meanwhile back in the real world ...

@Bl3ss3dm0m

I am in my 60's now, but I have known all my adult life that I could not be married to a man in any of the forces. I believe that as long as I mainly got satisfaction, or even enjoyed my particular job, that I could have served in the Navy or Airforce myself, I just couldn"t have been the partner at home, especially if I had children as well. I am sure that I will get shot down in flames for this (unless as usual my posts are completely ignored), but I think it is usually much easier to be the one away serving in the forces - even if that person is in one of the most dangerous positions, they know what is happening to them, so unless they have some worrying drama going on at home, they are not under constant fear that their partner in some foreign land won't survive, or may come home with life changing injuries, either physical or mental, or maybe even both. The partner at home will usually have to try to keep the family home ticking over, their children heathy, well adjusted, educated and happy (the hardest job in the world in my opinion), and probably do a paid job as well. The partner at home with the children will have to put on a brave face for the children, deal with most of any problems with the children, or their property, or their neighbours; they might not be surrounded by other forces spouses, and even if they are they are not necessarily all friendly and supportive. If they live on the base they are probably many miles away from their own family and friends. Their main focus (apart from any children) will be that date on the calendar when their partner gets home. I could not have coped with being seperated from my DOH for that long, and I greatly admire those that do, and who can welcome their loved ones back into a happy and thriving home. So I have the utmost respect, and every sympathy with the OP, and all the other partners who have to stay at home awaiting the return of their loved ones. If planning a surprise helps get them (and any children) over that emotional time then good luck to them. I think that it is the returning soldiers, sailors, and air personnel, that should be making the effort, and showing their gratitude to their emotionally and physically exhausted partners.

Of course soldiers that are away don’t know what’s happening. Particularly those on risky deployments ie Afghanistan (even if they’re instructing nationals on Policing etc) don’t have a clue whether they’ll make it home. Their risk level changes by the day and it’s very risky. It’s not a competition into who has it the hardest but I’d rather have been in my position at home struggling with the children, than feeling a constant threat of God knows what. My husband still can’t get in a car without checking underneath it.

Be happy he's hope and stop moaning! Some don't get to come home ! Be grateful !

LTB

My husband still can’t get in a car without checking underneath it

Nor can mine. And everywhere we go he scans the room and has to sit where he can see every exit.