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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH home from deployment and already annoyed me

210 replies

Rhynswynd · 02/10/2020 12:26

My husband has come home from deployment an hour and a half ago. He ruined the big surprise I had set up by not telling me when he was close to home so I could get the kids ready to see daddy for the first time in months. He just rocked up to the front door ignoring all the decorations and didn’t let me know he was close. I am so upset. I worked really hard on the surprise for the kids and he just turned up. I messaged multiple times asking what time he was arriving, if he was close etc.

I am really happy he is home but also devastated. Am I completely unreasonable to feel this way?

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 02/10/2020 12:50

Have to agree with others, This should be about your Kids him and you (possible in that order). It does come across that you have made it all about you (or worse still about your friends who you may wanted to show a joyous video to).
I really hope he didn't notice your behaviour and if so that you have apologised. I cant imagine how he must have felt to come home to you acting like that.

moglovesquotes · 02/10/2020 12:51

Don't be mad.
He is home safe and well.
You're all together again.
That's what matters.

Windywendys · 02/10/2020 12:51

@Dashie

I am a military spouse. I think it can be hard to understand how this feels for you as well as for him if you haven’t lived it yourself. People saying it should be about him and not about you are not completely correct. It is about you too as you are celebrating getting to the end of the tour, hopefully in one piece.

Return from deployment is so emotionally charged and you will both feel ups and downs. Part of how you feel may be simmering resentment that you have been doing everything for months and then he waltzes in and doesn’t show recognition of your hard work, including your planned welcome!
Take a deep breath, give him a hug and enjoy being back together as a family. It can take time to reconnect and not hold that resentment against him.

I agree. I don’t think any one really understands untill they live the situation.
Backofthenewt · 02/10/2020 12:52

Devastated???

Hmm
MsEllany · 02/10/2020 12:52

Unless you’d both agreed ahead of time on a “surprise arrival” for the children, then YABU to impose your idea of a surprise onto him

So now adults are not allowed to arrange a surprise for another adult just in case it upsets them? Presumably OP knows her own husband and whether or not this would be something that upset him.

Also, nowhere does this say this is for Facebook, quite a lot of us manage surprises without filming them or even talking about it afterwards.

Deadringer · 02/10/2020 12:55

The children (and you) will get over it,. He is home, that's the important thing, just make the most of it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/10/2020 12:55

It sounds as if there are a lot of emotions and expectations flying around from everyone. You and your kids are obviously happy he’s home and now you’ve posted, maybe you can try to park your upset. When he’s settled back into life for a few days, can you talk about it then? Come up with a plan of how to do it better next time? A family tradition so to speak.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 02/10/2020 12:56

YABU - save the devastation in case you ever actually need it, for a planned homecoming that doesn’t go to plan.

A little irked that your planned surprise was spoiled, fine, but if you’ve let it overshadow his return for you or the DCs that’s shitty behaviour.

Banners and balloons are all well and good but I imagine what he needed - and the rest of you too - was a hug and a bit of normality.

Brefugee · 02/10/2020 12:56

Oh dear OP, this must be upsetting for you.
however, i am a military brat from a big military family and was in the military myself, and married to a fellow soldier.

Basically when you come back from deployment that is the thing for most people. Most people also need a bit of time to adjust to not being in theatre any more. There's no need to decorate - just be there and enjoy the moment.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 02/10/2020 12:58

And I’m not a military spouse, but my DP works away a lot. Homecomings are definitely hard, often an anti climax because he’s jet lagged or has to rush off to see his DCs and has just stopped by at mine to get his car etc so I do get that feeling of disappointment that it wasn’t as you hoped, but I’m just hoping you’ve kept that under wraps for him.

MaskingForIt · 02/10/2020 13:00

@MsEllany
So now adults are not allowed to arrange a surprise for another adult just in case it upsets them?

The surprise was for the children, not the husband.

Presumably OP knows her own husband and whether or not this would be something that upset him.

Odd thing to presume, given how badly it went down!

Also, nowhere does this say this is for Facebook, quite a lot of us manage surprises without filming them or even talking about it afterwards.

Most people also manage to get over disappointments without posting to Mumsnet about them. I suspect there is a high level over overlap between the ones who want to Facebook it for the likes, and those who complain when they don’t get their moment.

user1471538283 · 02/10/2020 13:00

He just wanted to get home and that is the surprise. When my dad returned from deployment he just rocked up and I can remember being absolutely delighted with him just being there (whether I was home when he came through the door or not). This whole big surprise coming home is a new thing.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/10/2020 13:05

Um, why isn't he allowed to surprise you?

This is the problem with surprises - they often fail because you can't forewarn the surprisee. That's life. Decorations, costumes... it's only stuff.

I think having him home and your family together, is more important that the precise, material manner of the reunion.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 02/10/2020 13:07

Bloody hell, straight home to a woman he hasn't seen for months moaning at him. Sounds like a lucky guy Hmm

Windywendys · 02/10/2020 13:07

YABU - save the devastation in case you ever actually need it, for a planned homecoming that doesn’t go to plan

To say that is actually really shit.

Windywendys · 02/10/2020 13:09

Most people also manage to get over disappointments without posting to Mumsnet about them. I suspect there is a high level over overlap between the ones who want to Facebook it for the likes, and those who complain when they don’t get their moment

Yet we have post up on post of people complaining about issues. It’s a online chat forum.

Original poster
Rhynswynd · 02/10/2020 13:11

He has been in quarantine in Darwin for two weeks so not straight from deployment and I had told him the kids had no idea and wanted to surprise them. He wasn’t knackered from long flights or from a hard deployment.
I had just put up a banner and I did want a video but for the family in the uk and the kids as they grow up as I’m not on social media and quite isolated from all family in Australia. I just wanted him to tell me where the taxi was and when he would be home so I could get the kids to the door for an all in one surprise.

Anyway.... we’ve had a lovely takeaway and relaxed evening.

Being a defence spouse is hard in many different ways to those whose husbands work away. I was devastated because his homecoming is a big thing for me as well as everyone else. I have worked bloody hard for four months and the homecoming is the payoff before the reality of him being home and getting into the day to day hits.

OP posts:
tunnocksreturns2019 · 02/10/2020 13:14

I can see that this must be hard 🤗

But this isn’t devastation. My DH died and will never walk through our door again.

Make the most of your time together; I’m sure you both will Smile

NRatched · 02/10/2020 13:15

You wanted to surprise him, he wanted to surprise you. I don't see any wrong in this situation really, but understand being a bit frustrated if a lot of effort and thought have gone into your plans.

Original poster
Rhynswynd · 02/10/2020 13:15

Oh and it is a big deal because one day I might have to deal with him never coming home so these happy homecoming celebrations are a necessity even if they are naff and uncalled for to those who don’t live a military life.

OP posts:
peboh · 02/10/2020 13:15

Devastated? He's home, and he's safe. Devastated doesn't even come into it. If you used the word disappointed, fair enough.

roarfeckingroarr · 02/10/2020 13:19

I think those piling in to criticise the OP's choice of words should back off a bit. It must be so so difficult to have your partner on deployment and these few days of real excitement and joy for the family must mean a huge amount.

seayork2020 · 02/10/2020 13:20

Op you don't know the background of people who replied unless they speficially said, I grew up in a military family, it is still irrelevant to what I posted

Wakeoff · 02/10/2020 13:21

So because of my experience of deployment I think he was a bit unreasonable considering you’d asked him repeatedly to let you know. This is not just about him returning this was also about you and your children greeting him. I understand where your coming from

I agree with this. Personally we always arranged something with the children so that they associated that with him coming home. If he just walked in at their ages (they were young at the time) I didnt want them to think he could walk through the door any minute, or be waiting around just in case, we made every effort to make it an 'ocassion'.

OP hope the next few days are okay, as lovely as it is having them home it's an adjustment isn't it.

MashedSweetSpud · 02/10/2020 13:22

Sorry for your loss @tunnocksreturns2019

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