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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH home from deployment and already annoyed me

210 replies

Rhynswynd · 02/10/2020 12:26

My husband has come home from deployment an hour and a half ago. He ruined the big surprise I had set up by not telling me when he was close to home so I could get the kids ready to see daddy for the first time in months. He just rocked up to the front door ignoring all the decorations and didn’t let me know he was close. I am so upset. I worked really hard on the surprise for the kids and he just turned up. I messaged multiple times asking what time he was arriving, if he was close etc.

I am really happy he is home but also devastated. Am I completely unreasonable to feel this way?

OP posts:
Squiffany · 02/10/2020 13:26

I completely understand OP as I am also a military wife.

Leaannb · 02/10/2020 13:27

@Windywendys

Surprises and big home welcomes are standard when your coming home from being deployed. It’s a big thing for families. Dads not just working away he is potentially in a war zone/dangerous area risking his/her life the excitement the kids,wives and parents is feel is real. My ex mil used to tie a bloody yellow ribbon round my bils gate when he was due back.

I also feel that people who work for the forces and get deployed can be somewhat ignorant to how other people feel ( their family)

So because of my experience of deployment I think he was a bit unreasonable considering you’d asked him repeatedly to let you know.

This is t just about him returning this was also about you and your children greeting him. I understand where your coming from

I hated that shit. After months of deployment and everything that comes with it you just want to be home. You don't want a big to do. You just want home. You want to hug your children and your spouse. You want to sleep in a real bed and take a real shower and eat really good food. You don't want a lot of faff right off the bat. You want rest. Give is a time. There are so many things going through your mind after deployment to a war zone. Its such a mind fuck. Its hard coming home from deployment. Its not just smiles and hugs
CatMagic · 02/10/2020 13:29

Perhaps all he wanted was a welcome home, and assumed this was allowed without plans and structure. (A relaxed one, quite possibly!) Not a controlled stage.

VinylDetective · 02/10/2020 13:29

Seriously? The important thing is that he’s home, not the bloody Instagram moment. Poor guy, if anyone should be pissed off it’s him.

Coriandersucks · 02/10/2020 13:33

So why are you asking if you’re being unreasonable?

Windywendys · 02/10/2020 13:46

I hated that shit. After months of deployment and everything that comes with it you just want to be home. You don't want a big to do. You just want home. You want to hug your children and your spouse. You want to sleep in a real bed and take a real shower and eat really good food. You don't want a lot of faff right off the bat. You want rest. Give is a time. There are so many things going through your mind after deployment to a war zone. Its such a mind fuck. Its hard coming home from deployment. Its not just smiles and hugs

Yeah like I said. People in the forces can be somewhat ignorant to how other people are feeling.

TheFairyCaravan · 02/10/2020 13:46

I'm a military spouse and I think you're being ridiculous. He's home safe and well, that's the most important thing. Being devastated because you didn't get a video is daft imo.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 02/10/2020 13:48

I had told him the kids had no idea and wanted to surprise them.

Not gonna say it’s a drip feed, but this really should have been in your OP. All you said was that you asked him when he was arriving. Most of the responses you got are based on that!

Howlooseisyourgoose · 02/10/2020 13:49

Please don’t tell me the video is for your MLM business page on Facebook OP!

Leaannb · 02/10/2020 13:52

@Windywendys

I hated that shit. After months of deployment and everything that comes with it you just want to be home. You don't want a big to do. You just want home. You want to hug your children and your spouse. You want to sleep in a real bed and take a real shower and eat really good food. You don't want a lot of faff right off the bat. You want rest. Give is a time. There are so many things going through your mind after deployment to a war zone. Its such a mind fuck. Its hard coming home from deployment. Its not just smiles and hugs

Yeah like I said. People in the forces can be somewhat ignorant to how other people are feeling.

You have that backwards. Civillians are often ignorant about how the returning deployed feel. They are the ones who inflict unnecessary damage on the deployed
Glitteryone · 02/10/2020 13:52

How pathetic op

Howlooseisyourgoose · 02/10/2020 13:54

@Leaannb

You have that backwards. Civillians are often ignorant about how the returning deployed feel. They are the ones who inflict unnecessary damage on the deployed

Excerpt it’s OP inflicting on her DH.

2bazookas · 02/10/2020 13:56

Isn't wife and DC "devastation" usually reserved for those husbands and fathers don't come home from military deployment.

Leaannb · 02/10/2020 13:57

[quote Howlooseisyourgoose]@Leaannb

You have that backwards. Civillians are often ignorant about how the returning deployed feel. They are the ones who inflict unnecessary damage on the deployed

Excerpt it’s OP inflicting on her DH.[/quote]
OP IS a civilian

loobyloo1234 · 02/10/2020 13:59

I am really happy he is home but also devastated

I think you should count your blessings he's home and stop being so over dramatic with words like 'devastated'

Clymene · 02/10/2020 13:59

Do people realise that the U.K. military is at significantly lower risk of dying than the rest of the population?

cabingirl · 02/10/2020 13:59

I think you are getting a hard time on here - but if you'd mentioned in your initial post that he'd already been back and in quarantine for 2 weeks in your initial post, I think the response would have been a bit fairer.

Feelings are complex and the upset and disappointment you are experiencing are natural but also probably bound up in all sorts of other emotions and experiences.

You are not unreasonable to feel the way you feel. As an adult what matters is what you do with those feelings and how you affect others. If you've sucked it up and put on a smile for the kids and your DH, and needed to quick rant on here to let those feelings out - good for you. I'm sorry you had a bad day.

TrickyD · 02/10/2020 14:00

@Howlooseisyourgoose

I had told him the kids had no idea and wanted to surprise them.

Not gonna say it’s a drip feed, but this really should have been in your OP. All you said was that you asked him when he was arriving. Most of the responses you got are based on that!

But in her OP she did say "... so I could get the kids ready to see daddy for the first time in months. " And "I worked really hard on the surprise for the kids and he just turned up."

No drip feeding there.

Thisisnotataste · 02/10/2020 14:02

I think maybe those not in forces families won't get it. Its a massive deal when they come home especially for the kids. They want to make a special welcome home for dad or mum and for them just to appear on the doorstep takes that away. I understand people saying just having them home is enough but when its a big deal, repeatedly, kids need that preparation. Partners need that preparation. Its not like they've been on a work trip for a couple of weeks. Whenever they go away, they're gone for a long time, with errratic communication and there's a real chance they won't come back.
So YANBU
And sometimes the worst for not appreciating that need are the returnees themselves. He shouldn't have ruined the surprise. But you know you can't stay pissed off because of limited time. Very unfair!

BurningTheToast · 02/10/2020 14:03

My ex was in the forces and I know how you feel. It's great to have them home but sometimes you want to make an occasion of it, rather than just 'hi honey I'm home' and I can imagine with kids you want to make even more of a fuss. And I really understand the importance of a homecoming because one day there might not be one.

Have a great time together and enjoy his leave. And ignore the people telling you you're unreasonable.

ScatteredMama82 · 02/10/2020 14:09

OP, deployment is truly shit for both sides. He's home safe, don't spoil it because you didn't get your 'insta perfect' moment. I say this as a military wife with 2 young kids, soon to be left on my own with no family within 150 miles while my DH deploys. We are both dreading it.

JenniferSantoro · 02/10/2020 14:12

You need a little perspective. You should be grateful he’s home safe and well. It’s a difficult time coming home from deployment and you need to be kind and give him space to adjust.

Laiste · 02/10/2020 14:13

@tunnocksreturns2019 I'm so sorry for your loss
FlowersFlowers

Wakeoff · 02/10/2020 14:14

The military should be mindful of those at home too though, OP has been looking after their children for the past 4 months and keeping the house ticking over without him, that's not easy. He should also be respectful of her, your world tends to revolve around them enough as it is with things out of their control, he should make an effort for things he can control.

Woundedadmiral · 02/10/2020 14:14

I don't think you should surprise your children with this. Daddy being away is a massive cognitive piece of work and they deserve to be able to do it not thinking he could come through the door at any moment but able to work through each stage towards the end. It might be nice for you and a temporary thrill for them but stability is everything and you don't have much of it as a military kid. You need to know the adults around you are telling as much as they know.