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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH home from deployment and already annoyed me

210 replies

Rhynswynd · 02/10/2020 12:26

My husband has come home from deployment an hour and a half ago. He ruined the big surprise I had set up by not telling me when he was close to home so I could get the kids ready to see daddy for the first time in months. He just rocked up to the front door ignoring all the decorations and didn’t let me know he was close. I am so upset. I worked really hard on the surprise for the kids and he just turned up. I messaged multiple times asking what time he was arriving, if he was close etc.

I am really happy he is home but also devastated. Am I completely unreasonable to feel this way?

OP posts:
Leaannb · 02/10/2020 17:29

[quote JKRforPM]@Leaannb

To my shame it took me a while to cotton on to why DH didn’t want beach holidays.

Through him I’ve met a lot of women in the military and I’ve been lucky enough to build some friendships with some, and all I can say is my hat goes off to you, you are a special breed of strong women!

(I’m assuming you are a woman if I’m wrong I am sorry!)[/quote]
It took me years to go back to the beach even though it's literally a part of my yard. Seriously, I didn't go into my back yard for several years after retiring from Active Duty. I retired in 2015 and it was last summer before I even looked the beach or went out into my backyard pool. I bought pool passes to the local pool instead just because I did not want to look at sand or deal with the sand etc...Yes I am a woman but we are no stronger than anyone else. It was our job

Leaannb · 02/10/2020 17:31

[quote JorisBonson]@Leaannb I remember the feeling of the sand in the carpet under my feet![/quote]
Hate the fucking sand. You feel as if you are always dirty and scratchy and being swallowed by it. Never getting away from it. Evil shit

Cadent · 02/10/2020 17:32

Not in this case. Come talk to me when you have been deployed 6 times and tell me who is important. You have no idea what you are talkimg about. Many times surprises are not good for anyone involved when a deployed serviceman returns home

I hope this doesn't mean that non-military people have to consider military people more important generally? I don't.

But I agree in this case his needs were more important than his wife's.

Leaannb · 02/10/2020 17:57

@Cadent

Not in this case. Come talk to me when you have been deployed 6 times and tell me who is important. You have no idea what you are talkimg about. Many times surprises are not good for anyone involved when a deployed serviceman returns home

I hope this doesn't mean that non-military people have to consider military people more important generally? I don't.

But I agree in this case his needs were more important than his wife's.

Absolutely not. No way did I mean to say or imply that the military members are better than civilians. We aren't. We are just doing our jobs that we willfully signed up for. But in the specific case of returning service members their needs must come first. You don't know what's coming home. You don't know if they are damaged or how badly they are damaged when they return home. Surprises are a bad idea.
Kolsch · 02/10/2020 18:14

Both me and my husband served in the AF, he's still in.
I wouldn't have been happy with a surprise on return from my deployments and nor would he, particularly deployments to theatre.
All we wanted to do was crash out with a few beers.
Sorry op but your husband isn't the unreasonable one here.

WagnersFourthSymphony · 02/10/2020 18:44

I expect you're feeling pretty emotional anyway, having him back after so long, which is why you're being YABU about it. Flowers

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 02/10/2020 18:58

@BewilderedDoughnut

I feel a bit sorry for him.

You don’t seem to understand or perhaps care what HE needs when returning home. You also don’t seem to understand much about the complexities of a deployment and how it can affect people.

It’s all YOU, YOU, YOU and what you want!

This. That's why he ignored the OP's texts: he didn't want a surprise, for all the reasons that PPs have explained, but the OP was too wrapped up in her own wants to care. And maybe he didn't think it was a good idea for the kids either.
Leaannb · 02/10/2020 19:16

@Kolsch

Both me and my husband served in the AF, he's still in. I wouldn't have been happy with a surprise on return from my deployments and nor would he, particularly deployments to theatre. All we wanted to do was crash out with a few beers. Sorry op but your husband isn't the unreasonable one here.
I do 't know anyone who would jave been happy about a surprise. Give them peace. Thats what they need. A low key reintroduction to their family and lives. Not a damn camera shoved in their face
Alpacasmum · 02/10/2020 19:49

As a 'military wife' of thirty-five years and many 'homecomings' the whole situation is a tinder box and it's all going to 'blow up' at some very early stage.
It is heart breaking but we area all only human.
Huge emotions involved and the pressure has to come out.
It is a bit like when someone has planned the 'perfect' Christmas and somebody has one too many and ruins everything.
Don't be too bothered about ruining the perfect moment.
They will come later.
I speak from experience!

PomBearsArentNaice · 02/10/2020 20:16

@Afibtomyboy

It’s done The surprise was spoilt

Don’t know let that spoil his first few days back.

Plaster a smile on and enjoy

Exactly.this!!!
BubblyBarbara · 02/10/2020 20:20

Your Man has come home from fighting in a war it's his moment and not yours to hijack in my opinion

QueSera · 02/10/2020 21:14

If he didn't know there was a surprise planned (which is the point of a surprise), how could he ruin it? as in, he couldn't have 'ruined' it on purpose, as he didn't even know about it! Jeez OP, focus your priorities, he's home, that's all that matters.

Mascaramademehappy · 02/10/2020 21:21

I’m guessing many replies are from people who are not forces spouses.

I totally get where you are coming from, you spend so long alone that it takes a moment to be “ready” to see them again and you didn’t get that chance.

Also, the fact that return home dates change so often I appreciate how hard it is to get children prepared as you can’t tell them too soon.

Try and let this go for now and enjoy having him back with you.

MaskingForIt · 02/10/2020 21:24

@BubblyBarbara

Your Man has come home from fighting in a war it's his moment and not yours to hijack in my opinion
It’s 2020, not 1918. Neither the U.K. or Australia (not sure where the OP is from) is “at war” with anyone, nor are we currently fighting a proxy war for anyone else.
Leaannb · 02/10/2020 21:26

@Maskingforit..So the 1000 British troops in Afghanistan right now is over there for a camping trip?

Leaannb · 02/10/2020 21:27

@Alpacasmum

As a 'military wife' of thirty-five years and many 'homecomings' the whole situation is a tinder box and it's all going to 'blow up' at some very early stage. It is heart breaking but we area all only human. Huge emotions involved and the pressure has to come out. It is a bit like when someone has planned the 'perfect' Christmas and somebody has one too many and ruins everything. Don't be too bothered about ruining the perfect moment. They will come later. I speak from experience!
Thats why you surprise the children. Not the deployed
CountTessa · 02/10/2020 21:28

How was he to know you were planning a surprise. Sounds like he wanted to surprise you!

MaskingForIt · 02/10/2020 21:38

[quote Leaannb]@Maskingforit..So the 1000 British troops in Afghanistan right now is over there for a camping trip?[/quote]
They’re not involved in combat operations, they’re conducting training of Afghan National Security Force.

The person to whom I was replying seemed to be implying that every military person on deployment is at war and that simply isn’t the case at all. There are far more people in non-combat deployments than current “hot” zones.

Lantern156 · 02/10/2020 21:38

I do understand your disappointment but I think his homecoming should be about what he wants and chooses, rather than about what you want.

BewilderedDoughnut · 02/10/2020 21:40

Many times surprises are not good for anyone involved when a deployed serviceman returns home

This, 1,000%

Votesforpedro · 02/10/2020 21:40

Op Sounds tough for you Flowers I understand that you would have been playing that moment out in your head over and over, just because he didn't show any gratitude towards the decorations doesn't mean he wasn't happy to see you or your dc. Forces families go though so much and are absolutely on their own front line in a way, I think all forces spouses deserve their very own tour medals as they are often a hidden part of the sacrifice that our armed forces make.

Leaannb · 02/10/2020 21:42

@Maskingforit....They are definitely in a war zone training people to fight their own battles. They are very much in danger. Even in the Green Zone. They are very much a target because the opposing forces do not want them to teach. They are still very much in danger from IEDs,roadside bombs and children strapped with bombs. They are not on a holiday. They are providing a very much needed service. Respect it. They nlr their families know if they are coming back

ChristmasArmadillo · 02/10/2020 21:54

Those big surprise celebrations at homecoming are for the benefit of the spouse/kids and in my experience as a military spouse they’re mostly just tolerated by the tired serviceman/woman who would like to hold their family and take a hot shower - so I would say YABU and a bit selfish. I do understand how it feels when you have something all worked up in your mind and it doesn’t go according to plan but set that aside and just be happy.

Leaannb · 02/10/2020 22:30

@ChristmasArmadillo

Those big surprise celebrations at homecoming are for the benefit of the spouse/kids and in my experience as a military spouse they’re mostly just tolerated by the tired serviceman/woman who would like to hold their family and take a hot shower - so I would say YABU and a bit selfish. I do understand how it feels when you have something all worked up in your mind and it doesn’t go according to plan but set that aside and just be happy.
I'm telling you that first hot shower is orgasmic
ChristmasArmadillo · 02/10/2020 22:42

@Leaannb it certainly is always high on DH’s list!