My mother hit my child

[LenaBlack]

I have a 4 year old DS. We don't see my parents frequently due to distance. My mother visited recently, last time she has seen us was almost a year ago.

A day before her going back home she engaged with a play with my 4 year old DS where he was behind her on a sofa, at some point he pushed her and in response she pushed/slapped him back.. They engaged in a "game" of slapping .This was all light slapping at this point. My DH was in the same room, I was in the kitchen.
I came in and asked DS to help me in the kitchen ( he likes to "help"). He was giddy and overexcited (from the "game") and I cought my mother saying to him that if he hits her she will do it harder. He run to me and then turned and slapped her on leg..not very hard. He is 4!
It happened very quickly and my mother slapped him across his back in response. HARD. VERY HARD. Hard enough to see that it was hurting and he arched his back sharply, there was a red mark too.
I lost my temper and shouted at her asking what the hell is she doing...She was very angry and said my child assaulted her and nobody has the right to do that. That this will teach him to never do it again..I told her that she shouldn't have engaged in this kind of "play" and that she is an adult and should have told him to stop. She insisted that she did and he hit her....He is freaking 4 years old, really not that strong!!! I told her to tell me or DH if she can't handle him but she said she won't...
Showed absolutely no remorse and said she would do it again.

We don't hit DS, it was a big shock to him. It's days later he keeps saying that "grandma hit me really hard"..
My DH is shocked at what happened and that she absolutely refused to back down/apologise even when I was saying to her it's absolutely unacceptable.

My DS doesn't hit people. This "game" was encouraged by her and got him giddy..

I had a difficult relationship with my mother as a child and she used to hit me and my siblings. I never though she would hit a grandchild..

I can't trust her, can I?

I'm not overreacting in never letting her have him without very close supervision?

Honestly for that I'd got NC for at least 6 months to give her time to think

If it were my child she would never get near him again.

Nope. You cannot trust her.

The fact she did it when you were there shows just how much she thinks she has a right to do that.

I’d not be seeing her again.

If you can’t trust her to follow your rules then no. My FIL once smacked my son for being ‘naughty’
When he was that age and I was livid but DP spoke with him and I’m sure he would never do it again.

Of course she can’t ever have him - she’s not safe around children. You can’t even leave him alone with her in a room, because she has said she will do it again. One of you needs to always be there to supervise. Someone who can’t control their temper or manage their behaviour around a young child can’t ever be left unsupervised with children.

Hope your son is ok! It must have been scary for him to have someone he loves turn in him

No, you're not overreacting.

You're not overreacting. A firm 'stop hitting please' would suffice & if he carried on a time out (or whatever you use).
What does she think hitting him would achieve? It sends mixed messages.
I wouldn't leave him with her unsupervised again, especially with her saying she'd do it again.

I’d be fuming- no right to touch your child!

I would be limiting contact with her and being clear about the reasons. “I am no longer comfortable talking to you and you are not welcome in my house or around my children because of this incident. I will not speak to you again until you realise this was completely inappropriate behaviour and apologise.”
I would then not reply to any message from her until it was a sincere apology but even then I doubt I would let her near my child unless very strictly monitored.
So no, you are not over reacting In any way shape or form!!!

Wow she is teaching him to hit. You slap me and I'll slap you back harder.

She is vile. I wouldn't let her near any of my children supervised and I think I wouldn't want her near even supervised for some time. She obviously has no idea of how she should behave let alone dictate what he should do as a young child.

SHE ASAULTED HIM - he didn't assault her - SHE COULD BE CHARGED WITH ASSAULT - SHE LEFT A HAND PRINT - he couldn't be charged with anything he is only 4

To say that a 4 year old assaulted her when playing a game that she encouraged is strange, she sounds unhinged.
I would never trust her around him again and don't think I could ever get passed or forget that.

Wow. That is absolutely terrible. I think I'd just stop seeing her.

She wasn't teaching him a lesson. She was angry that he hit her and she couldn't control her own emotions, so she lashed out. Those are two very different things.

She sounds like an idiot anyway - what kind of adult starts a slapping game with a 4 year old? Of course he got overexcited and took it too far. That's what you would expect a 4 year old might do in that situation.

I wouldn't trust her after this. It might not even be the first time that she's hit him.

She’s fucked up and she’s not even sorry. Protect your child because you can’t trust her.

So her idea of teaching him not to assault people is by her assaulting him..... a 4 year old

I am fuming for you.

She is vile and shouldn't be near children at all - PLEASE don't let her do it to him ever again - she will if given the chance since she thinks she is right and has a right to hit

Hmm. It's very easy to go NC and "cancel" people in MN land when you're at one end of a keyboard.

In RL? I don't know...

I wouldn't go NC for that. But I probably would not let your mum have him unsupervised. It sounds like her patience for toddlers has worn thin.

Your DS will be fine btw.

@THisbackwithavengeance I’ve gone NC with people in real life. It’s hard, not easy at all. However for a person to hit a child in rage and say she would do it again would be grounds for someone to go NC if they chose to.

Never ever let her see him again and cut contact. Abuse has no excuse. He's a child for crying out loud. Has she got a mental problem? Or is this how she was raised?

YADNBU. Even if he was being an absolute horror (and it doesn't sound like he was) she could have firmly told him no and asked you or DH to intervene. I wouldn't have her near him again, especially since she hasn't backed down and would probably do the same again.

Definitely not overreacting.

Sounds like a bizarre sort of power play.

Just don’t ask her to babysit.

I am actually fuming for you too.

This would be NC for me, no two ways about it.

I hope your DS is ok.

Yes, but this is her actual MUM. Not a friend or random relative. To go NC, literally never see her again, plus possible wider family ramifications, not attend funeral...

For your own mum?

Over an isolated, unfortunate incident that could be managed otherwise?

I wouldn't do it personally but it's up to the OP.

I caught my dad hitting my son once. It helped me distance my children from him. They were never alone in the same room again.