My mother hit my child

[LenaBlack]

I have a 4 year old DS. We don't see my parents frequently due to distance. My mother visited recently, last time she has seen us was almost a year ago.

A day before her going back home she engaged with a play with my 4 year old DS where he was behind her on a sofa, at some point he pushed her and in response she pushed/slapped him back.. They engaged in a "game" of slapping .This was all light slapping at this point. My DH was in the same room, I was in the kitchen.
I came in and asked DS to help me in the kitchen ( he likes to "help"). He was giddy and overexcited (from the "game") and I cought my mother saying to him that if he hits her she will do it harder. He run to me and then turned and slapped her on leg..not very hard. He is 4!
It happened very quickly and my mother slapped him across his back in response. HARD. VERY HARD. Hard enough to see that it was hurting and he arched his back sharply, there was a red mark too.
I lost my temper and shouted at her asking what the hell is she doing...She was very angry and said my child assaulted her and nobody has the right to do that. That this will teach him to never do it again..I told her that she shouldn't have engaged in this kind of "play" and that she is an adult and should have told him to stop. She insisted that she did and he hit her....He is freaking 4 years old, really not that strong!!! I told her to tell me or DH if she can't handle him but she said she won't...
Showed absolutely no remorse and said she would do it again.

We don't hit DS, it was a big shock to him. It's days later he keeps saying that "grandma hit me really hard"..
My DH is shocked at what happened and that she absolutely refused to back down/apologise even when I was saying to her it's absolutely unacceptable.

My DS doesn't hit people. This "game" was encouraged by her and got him giddy..

I had a difficult relationship with my mother as a child and she used to hit me and my siblings. I never though she would hit a grandchild..

I can't trust her, can I?

I'm not overreacting in never letting her have him without very close supervision?

Anyone who hit my child would get a swift upper cut to the face tbh. You reacted appropriately, don't engage with her anymore.

It actually sounds like she engineered the whole situation to end as it did. Perhaps as a way of showing you she still thinks she can do whatever the hell she wants? Possibly unconsciously, but still. Really disturbing.

Absolutely no contact is the way I'd go. I love all my kids grandparents dearly but if one of them laid so much as a finger on my child they'd never see them again.

it's probably she was raised in the 70s/80s or earlier, when slapping was commonplace.

I was raised in that era and I don't hit children! I did get hit myself a few times and I wouldn't do it (my dc has never been hit). I agree it was more common then but it doesn't mean that people brought up in the 70s want to use violence as punishment, that assumption is awful!

OP I would be putting a lot of distance between my family and a person who behaved like this, even if it was my mum (my mum has never hit her GC). She was massively unreasonable in starting a "game" like this and then turning on a excited four year old when she decided the game was over. It actually doesn't sound normal to act like this, she should be aware that a young child doesn't get the subtle signals that a game should stop. The lack of remorse is really concerning.

Actually, smacking children absolutely was commonplace in the 70s and 80s. It's not ageism in the slightest to suggest that in different eras people did things differently so you're looking really, really hard to find something that isn't there.
I would be furious with my mother if she hit my child. And the way she reacted so angrily afterwards instead of admitting she lost her temper and apologising. I don't think I'd go NC but I'd certainly not bother contacting her again. Why didn't your husband step in and ask your son to calm down if he got too giddy and excited and if this isn't the sort of game you normally encourage?
Your mother has a lot of apologising to do and I would leave her to it until she can genuinely realise what she's done and apologise for it. It sounds like she doesn't even like your son very much, who on earth speaks to a child in such violent language as that anyway?! She's not a positive influence in your or your son's life.

Yes, smacking was commonplace in the 70s (teachers did it when I was in primary school), but this scenario isn't about a child being sanctioned for bad behaviour by an adult. This is a case of the adult encouraging a four year old boy to join her in a slapping game and then losing her temper when he got carried away (which of course he would).

THIS. And it's even worse than him getting carried away- she told hi, to hit harder. The 1970s are not to blame.

What a weird game for a grandmother to encourage, does she usually have such a lack of judgement , and your husband was in the room aware that this was escalating .She assaulted your child. You need to take responsibility to protect him from that happening again by not leaving him in her care and you need to consider reporting it to the police if you believe she deliberately meant to hurt him.

Some horribly ageist posts on this thread. We never hit our children in the eighties and I don't know anyone who did. As someone else said, it is a poor excuse to blame the the seventies or eighties for the behaviour of a single person. Apart from anything else, hitting a child and leaving a mark is against the law now. I can't imagine the poster's mother breaks other laws, using her age as an excuse.

I would not let her near my child after that sorry OP.

Hitting was commonplace in the 70s but my parents never hit me at all as they did not think it right. I'm 50. My friends parents of that generation do not hit their grandchildren as they respect that times have changed.

I love my mum very much but I cannot stand the way she "parents" my son. When he was very little she'd take him off me or tell me he needs to lie down - I can't even count how many times she would just take him out of my arms. He's now 15 months and she put him to bed the other night and I hated it so much - he likes to stand up, we lie him back down but don't speak to him or engage. My mum would sharply say "no", "lie down", "don't do that" and I couldn't cope with how abrupt she was being. If she hit him, I'd have no doubt that I'd go NC. Thinking about it now, it sounds like it would be very difficult but if she actually hit my little boy then she'd be dead to me just like anyone else who hit my little boy.

Shit, she set him up by making it into a game, then when he join in playing it, used it as an excuse to physically abuse him.

My first thought when reading this op, was that I bet she did this with her own children. She is aggressive and abusive and I would say now is a good time to cut contact for good.

for you and ds

She wanted an excuse to hit him that's why she instigated the game, she's dangerous. I'd have to cut contact.

Actually, smacking children absolutely was commonplace in the 70s and 80s. It's not ageism in the slightest to suggest that in different eras people did things differently so you're looking really, really hard to find something that isn't there.

Nobody's denying that smacking was commonplace. I'm simply saying it was by no means universal. My parents didn't hit me, and in turn I never hit my own DC.

With OP's mum, it's way more than just "that's what she grew up with". It sounds more like a nasty person in general, given the abuse she put OP through as a child.

Also, I think it's important to remember that saying "that generation" makes no sense because we have no idea how old OP or her mother actually is. If OP had DS at 18 and DM had OP at 18, that would make DM 40. If OP had DS at 40 and DM had OP at 40 then that would make DM 84. Which generation are people referring to when they say that "that generation" hit children?

I'm honestly shocked. She couldn't see a hitting 'game' like that wasnt inappropriate & she couldn't control herself & rein things in when your son got over excited, as children do . And she won't admit she was wrong. That's not ok: & imagine what she'd do if they were alone if that's her behaviour when you are there. You need to lay down the law & never leave her alone or unsupervised, with your son. Ever. Agree a period of NC would be an idea,but if that was her default when you were a child, I'd never trust her again tbh, despite an apology that may or may not happen.

I'd have to agree with the post about ageism as well, my mother's in her 70s and never hit me, doesn't like the naughty step or scolding, very earth mother

She wouldn’t be seeing my child again for a long time, and never again be unsupervised with him. If this is her behaviour when you and DH were both home, I shudder to imagine what she would be like if she was alone with your son

"I had a difficult relationship with my mother as a child and she used to hit me and my siblings. I never though she would hit a grandchild.."

Why did you think she would not abuse her grandchild, given that she abused her children?

She will have damaged your sense of what is normal and reasonable, and you may well struggle to identify and enforce appropriate boundaries with her. But it's vital that you work on this, for your sake and your child's. As a starting point you could read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and maybe check out the Stately Homes thread.

"I can't trust her, can I?"

No, of course not. That's how she behaved when you were there and could hear and see what was happening. Imagine how she'd behave if you weren't there or if you were further away (ie in garden or different part of house).

"I'm not overreacting in never letting her have him without very close supervision?"

Very close supervision?! But you were there already.

I would not let her have any contact with my child after the way she behaved.

Do not let her damage your child the way she damaged you.

I was smacked. Occasionally my older dc got a tap on the bum - all adults now.. I have a dgc and I would never raise a hand to them. Not my dc.... Your dm is disgusting op...
I hope your dc sees you eliminate her from your lives..

She wouldn't be seeing my child again.

@contrmary

She's from a different era when slapping a child was more acceptable than now. I don't know the ages involved but it's probably she was raised in the 70s/80s or earlier, when slapping was commonplace. Just politely ask her not to do it again. If she does do it again, that's the time to consider excluding her more permanently.

Absolute nonsense. The 70s or 80s were hardly 150 years ago. This woman has form for hitting kids, but that's not down to her age.

Trust your gut. Don't trust her.

How horrible op.
If she was sorry then maybe in time it would be forgivable but shes clearly not.
Tell her you're having a break and that she was wrong to do that and wont be talking until she can see she was wrong and should apologise.
She can't be trusted and sounds very immature.
I grew up in the 80s and my parents smacked us but I've never hit my DC.

Being raised in a decade when slapping/hitting kids was more commonplace doesn't automatically mean you'll do the same as an adult. Making generalisations like this is lazy thinking.