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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother hit my child

204 replies

LenaBlack · 01/10/2020 07:33

I have a 4 year old DS. We don't see my parents frequently due to distance. My mother visited recently, last time she has seen us was almost a year ago.

A day before her going back home she engaged with a play with my 4 year old DS where he was behind her on a sofa, at some point he pushed her and in response she pushed/slapped him back.. They engaged in a "game" of slapping .This was all light slapping at this point. My DH was in the same room, I was in the kitchen.
I came in and asked DS to help me in the kitchen ( he likes to "help"). He was giddy and overexcited (from the "game") and I cought my mother saying to him that if he hits her she will do it harder. He run to me and then turned and slapped her on leg..not very hard. He is 4!
It happened very quickly and my mother slapped him across his back in response. HARD. VERY HARD. Hard enough to see that it was hurting and he arched his back sharply, there was a red mark too.
I lost my temper and shouted at her asking what the hell is she doing...She was very angry and said my child assaulted her and nobody has the right to do that. That this will teach him to never do it again..I told her that she shouldn't have engaged in this kind of "play" and that she is an adult and should have told him to stop. She insisted that she did and he hit her....He is freaking 4 years old, really not that strong!!! I told her to tell me or DH if she can't handle him but she said she won't...
Showed absolutely no remorse and said she would do it again.

We don't hit DS, it was a big shock to him. It's days later he keeps saying that "grandma hit me really hard"..
My DH is shocked at what happened and that she absolutely refused to back down/apologise even when I was saying to her it's absolutely unacceptable.

My DS doesn't hit people. This "game" was encouraged by her and got him giddy..

I had a difficult relationship with my mother as a child and she used to hit me and my siblings. I never though she would hit a grandchild..

I can't trust her, can I?

I'm not overreacting in never letting her have him without very close supervision?

OP posts:
IdkickJilliansass · 01/10/2020 18:30

So many people on MN bandy around NC it’s ridiculous. OP, I hope your little boy is ok what a horrible shock for him, I’d keep him away from her and definitely never leave them alone, she needs to know you would have been in yours rights to report her.

Kljnmw3459 · 01/10/2020 18:42

@orangejuicer it's unrealistic for the reasons that the OP explained in one of her posts.

lipstickonapig · 01/10/2020 18:48

contrmary
She's from a different era when slapping a child was more acceptable than now. I don't know the ages involved but it's probably she was raised in the 70s/80s or earlier, when slapping was commonplace. Just politely ask her not to do it again. If she does do it again, that's the time to consider excluding her more permanently.

This is complete nonsense. I'm 51, I have never hit my DS. My sister is 53, she never hit her DC. My mother hit us when we were growing up, but my father never did. He was born in the 30s and his parents never hit him. It's a choice. Both my sister and I have a better relationship with our father and respect him more because of it. If my mother ever hits my toddler (whole other thread) I will go NC. There is no excuse for it.

Gobbycop · 01/10/2020 18:59

Ahh good ol old school bashing kids to teach them a lesson.

My kid, she wouldn't be seeing him for a while, maybe ever depending on her attitude.

Sewrainbow · 01/10/2020 19:25

My dh went nc with fil when fil said he wouldn't hesitate to discipline with a slap. Dh gave fil every opportunity to back down, say he wouldn't, agree to disagree with but filnpride wouldn't allow him to that so dh just left and didnr contact him again. For dh though it was the straw that broke the camels back after a poorly parented, traumatic childhood.

Gobbycop · 01/10/2020 19:41

I might invite my fil around tomorrow to see if he wants to play kick each other in the bollocks with my 10 month old.

What could possibly go wrong 😂

Princessposie · 01/10/2020 19:54

That is child abuse. It is illegal to to leave a mark on a child.

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 01/10/2020 20:09

I'm with your mam on this, I'm sure she knows what she is doing being a parent a long time before you. Kids need to know how it feels so they won't do it again.

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 01/10/2020 20:14

Posted too soon, I'm only in my 40s but remember getting smacked at school with a ruler and a slipper by the head teacher, how things have changed, yes slapping him back hard was wrong, but I can see the reasoning behind it.

Lollypop701 · 01/10/2020 20:20

@GalaxyCookieCrumble the point is she’s the grandma not the parent. It’s not her choice how to disapline the child. it’s not like hitting kids is normal now! Plus if she knew what she was doing why the hell was she playing a slap me game with a 4yo???? It’s like watching 2 young kids play fight, you’re just waiting for one of them to get hurt and cry!

northstars · 01/10/2020 20:23

@GalaxyCookieCrumble

I'm with your mam on this, I'm sure she knows what she is doing being a parent a long time before you. Kids need to know how it feels so they won't do it again.
How ridiculous. “Being a parent a long time” does NOT necessarily make someone a good parent.
Roowig2020 · 01/10/2020 20:51

She was totally out of order regardless of her age. She's an adult and should have taken the higher ground with a 4 year old! I can however see that she possibly got carried away, didn't expect to hit that hard, but for me the bit that worries me most is that she wasn't shocked by her own reaction. She showed no remorse at all.

1Micem0use · 01/10/2020 20:58

Dont leave her alone in a room with him again. Make her very aware of this. Make sure she understands what she did was illegal

iklboo · 01/10/2020 21:51

I'm with your mam on this, I'm sure she knows what she is doing being a parent a long time before you. Kids need to know how it feels so they won't do it again.

Christ on a bike.

Boobissue · 01/10/2020 21:56

Her four year old DGS assaulted her..... FFS

She's mad!

RattleOfBars · 01/10/2020 22:00

Your mum didn’t initiate the ‘slapping’ game according to your OP, your son did. Why didn’t your husband stop him pushing and slapping grandma?

Instead you and your DH allowed the game to escalate, ignored her telling him she’d hit back if he hit her again! You allowed him to smack an older lady hard enough to hurt, when she’d warned him to stop. You let her take matters into her own hands.

Yes she shouldn’t have smacked your 4 year old even if he was hurting her. But why didn’t you or your DH tell him off and tell him to stop hitting before it reached that point??

iklboo · 01/10/2020 22:15

@RattleOfBars

Your mum didn’t initiate the ‘slapping’ game according to your OP, your son did. Why didn’t your husband stop him pushing and slapping grandma?

Instead you and your DH allowed the game to escalate, ignored her telling him she’d hit back if he hit her again! You allowed him to smack an older lady hard enough to hurt, when she’d warned him to stop. You let her take matters into her own hands.

Yes she shouldn’t have smacked your 4 year old even if he was hurting her. But why didn’t you or your DH tell him off and tell him to stop hitting before it reached that point??

Read the bloody thread.
MojoJojo71 · 01/10/2020 22:19

She’d be out my door so quick her feet wouldn’t touch the ground. Your DS needs to know you’ll protect him, don’t let the bitch near him again.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 01/10/2020 23:13

@GalaxyCookieCrumble

I'm with your mam on this, I'm sure she knows what she is doing being a parent a long time before you. Kids need to know how it feels so they won't do it again.
Yep, those parents sending kids down mines and up chimneys years ago really had one up on us in the experience stakes didn’t they? In fact, let’s just abandon modern parenting and find some cave drawings for better parenting advice.
SinisterBumFacedCat · 01/10/2020 23:18

@RattleOfBars

Your mum didn’t initiate the ‘slapping’ game according to your OP, your son did. Why didn’t your husband stop him pushing and slapping grandma?

Instead you and your DH allowed the game to escalate, ignored her telling him she’d hit back if he hit her again! You allowed him to smack an older lady hard enough to hurt, when she’d warned him to stop. You let her take matters into her own hands.

Yes she shouldn’t have smacked your 4 year old even if he was hurting her. But why didn’t you or your DH tell him off and tell him to stop hitting before it reached that point??

Why didn’t Grandma NOT slap her 4 year old Grandson? That’s the question you should be asking. Not blaming it on everyone else who was there.

When violence happens it’s the perpetrator that is to blame. Stop being an apologist for violence.

GoldfishParade · 01/10/2020 23:26

You sound precious

SinisterBumFacedCat · 01/10/2020 23:35

Whatever Hmm

YoureRight · 01/10/2020 23:42

‘Older parents are disposable wehhh’ all child abusers should be disposed of, no matter their age 😊
It would obviously be shit of OP to expose her kid to a violent child abuser with a track record, but she insists on it. Hope the victim tells nursery about it.

seabreeze77 · 01/10/2020 23:43

I don’t agree it’s normal for her era. I’m a grandmother and NEVER hit my kids. My daughters would be appalled if I hit their kids. She had absolutely no right. I think she needs to be told that it can NEVER happen again or she won’t see him again.

Notfeelinggreattoday · 01/10/2020 23:57

Yes it was common for parents to smack children in 50, 60, 70 and 80's and even up until now people do, you wouldn't have people trying to ban something if it didn't happen
Those who say it wasn't just think when was corporal punishment banned in schools if it wasn't common place and accepted that a teacher could hit a child
Of course not every parent did just as some use naughty step and others don't but the 90's/ noughties will be known as the time out / naughty step stage, that already people question wether its right ,
But generally people didn't smack other peoples children and nowadays most know its not a form of punishment everyone uses
Plus parents were there and could of disciplined if needed ,however they do , plus surely as a grandma that visits occasionally you would think you would want to be remembered as a loving , easy going grandma etc.
I would probably speak to her and say if she can't promise to never smack your child again then she won't be seeing him even with you present as she has broken your trust and your ds
She should be following your guidance on how you choose to discipline him , plus it sounds like she played a stupid game that most 4 year olds would get over excited with and wouldn't be able to hold back