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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My mother hit my child

204 replies

LenaBlack · 01/10/2020 07:33

I have a 4 year old DS. We don't see my parents frequently due to distance. My mother visited recently, last time she has seen us was almost a year ago.

A day before her going back home she engaged with a play with my 4 year old DS where he was behind her on a sofa, at some point he pushed her and in response she pushed/slapped him back.. They engaged in a "game" of slapping .This was all light slapping at this point. My DH was in the same room, I was in the kitchen.
I came in and asked DS to help me in the kitchen ( he likes to "help"). He was giddy and overexcited (from the "game") and I cought my mother saying to him that if he hits her she will do it harder. He run to me and then turned and slapped her on leg..not very hard. He is 4!
It happened very quickly and my mother slapped him across his back in response. HARD. VERY HARD. Hard enough to see that it was hurting and he arched his back sharply, there was a red mark too.
I lost my temper and shouted at her asking what the hell is she doing...She was very angry and said my child assaulted her and nobody has the right to do that. That this will teach him to never do it again..I told her that she shouldn't have engaged in this kind of "play" and that she is an adult and should have told him to stop. She insisted that she did and he hit her....He is freaking 4 years old, really not that strong!!! I told her to tell me or DH if she can't handle him but she said she won't...
Showed absolutely no remorse and said she would do it again.

We don't hit DS, it was a big shock to him. It's days later he keeps saying that "grandma hit me really hard"..
My DH is shocked at what happened and that she absolutely refused to back down/apologise even when I was saying to her it's absolutely unacceptable.

My DS doesn't hit people. This "game" was encouraged by her and got him giddy..

I had a difficult relationship with my mother as a child and she used to hit me and my siblings. I never though she would hit a grandchild..

I can't trust her, can I?

I'm not overreacting in never letting her have him without very close supervision?

OP posts:

BeyondMyWits · 01/10/2020 08:05

My mum caught my 3 year old daughter by the arm, swung her round and smacked her leg hard just for running and having fun in the park on a day out together.

She never once spent time alone with my child after that day. We did not go nc, but to be honest our relationship changed so much that we may as well have. Viewing it first hand made me lose all respect for her.

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 01/10/2020 08:06

I dont think you should never see her again. I dont agree at all with smacking but in her eyes it was normal from her era.

I would however make it very clear its not tolerated and not leave her alone with him. No babysitting etc.

Sceptre86 · 01/10/2020 08:06

I wouldnt let her be alone with your child ever and tbh would only have her around when you can give your son your full attention. If not, do not have her over.

My mum used to smack us if we were naughty as kids, it was rare but she did. I have made it clear that we do not discipline our kids that way. In my case though my mum is an utter push over for her grandkids and loves them more than she does me.

ddl1 · 01/10/2020 08:06

That's awful! Even in the days when smacking children was more accepted, it would generally have been seen as quite unacceptable for another adult to smack a child in the presence of a parent. And in this case, the grandmother first encouraged your son to play a slapping game, and then punished him for playing the game that she started. A 4-year-old isn't likely to fully understand 'so hard and no harder', so she shouldn't have started the game at all if she wasn't prepared to deal with the consequences.

I agree that she should not be with him in the future without very close supervision.

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 01/10/2020 08:07

I also think having children makesntou reassess your own relationship with your parents. Especially if they were violent or abusive.

SparklingLime · 01/10/2020 08:08

It’s not an “isolated incident”, @THisbackwithavengeance. Did you not read OP’s description of how how her mother was with her as a child?

If I had seen this, I would call the police.

BillywigSting · 01/10/2020 08:09

You are not overreacting in the slightest. I would be absolutely livid and I am not quick to anger.

She has 100% crossed a line that should never have been crossed and cannot be trusted.

I'm so sorry op, it's hard when parents let us down like this but your dc needs your protection. It's heartbreaking when they need protection from their own gp.

I don't know if I would go nc if you have a generally ok relationship with her but I certainly wouldn't be leaving her unsupervised with dc ever again. As pp have said she can't even be left in another room with him.

Her not backing down and accepting that she was in the wrong to hit a four year old (for any reason whatsoever. Wouldn't matter if he'd hit her in the face and broke her nose you don't hit a bloody 4 year old) shows a huge lack of respect and accountability too.

I hope he's OK now and is over the shock.

Hohohole · 01/10/2020 08:11

I'd never leave them on their own again. What a horrible person. I hope you told your son that what she did is wrong and that his grandmother is in big trouble now. Something like that can really stay with you.

Serin · 01/10/2020 08:11

I think I would write her a letter (and keep a copy) and explain that what she did is absolutely unacceptable.
I'd mention that it triggered memories of being hit as a child by her and you will not allow her to do the same to your son.
Ask her if she has any thoughts about how you can move forward from this situation.
This gives her a chance to reflect and apologise. If you dont get that then I'd cut contact and not feel guilty about it.

contrmary · 01/10/2020 08:16

She's from a different era when slapping a child was more acceptable than now. I don't know the ages involved but it's probably she was raised in the 70s/80s or earlier, when slapping was commonplace. Just politely ask her not to do it again. If she does do it again, that's the time to consider excluding her more permanently.

QuacksInTheDark · 01/10/2020 08:16

She’d never see my child again, I’d take pictures if the marks and report it 101 too. No one abuses my child, I wouldn’t give two fucks about reporting any family member for an assault on my child.

SparklingLime · 01/10/2020 08:16

OP, how are you dealing with this with your son? As that must be hard. He may feel anxious seeing her again and it may seem to him that what she did is somehow “OK” if things appear to be carrying on as normal (even if you’ve decided yourself she will never be alone with him). There must be resources on how to handle this sort of situation. So horrible.

QuacksInTheDark · 01/10/2020 08:17

I’m my rage I’d probably have slapped her back on his behalf too to be honest.

Mittens030869 · 01/10/2020 08:17

This is simply awful. It wasn't even the case that she was attempting to discipline him (which I assumed when I read the thread title), she was playing a very inappropriate game and then lost her tag with him and hit him hard in anger.

I remember that my DM once threatened to 'whack' my DD1 when she was that age and I made it clear that she must never say anything like that to her again, never mind carry out the threat. (She also used to smack my siblings and me when we were growing up as well.)

I can't say whether I would go NC in your shoes, it's probably not necessary as you're very low contact anyway. But you really need to make it clear that you won't trust her to have unsupervised contact with your DS again, until she changes her attitude. Because she's basically said that she would do it again, so she's entirely unrepentant.

MoonJelly · 01/10/2020 08:19

@contrmary

This is utter nonsense. Slapping was not in the least commonplace in the 70s and 80s. DFO with the casual ageism.

zed33 · 01/10/2020 08:20

Hi as any found adapters to put maxi cosi cabriofix car seat on a silvercross reflex pushchair thanks

thewalkers · 01/10/2020 08:21

@contrmary

Did you read the part where she said that she would do it again? I wouldn't be waiting for that to happen before I put a stop to it

tobedtoMNandfart · 01/10/2020 08:23

@zed33

Hi as any found adapters to put maxi cosi cabriofix car seat on a silvercross reflex pushchair thanks

Really? You want to ask that here?

corythatwas · 01/10/2020 08:23

There's several worrying aspects here. She hit him, she encouraged him to hit, she lied to you about how this had actually happened.

BillywigSting · 01/10/2020 08:24

And besides even if it was acceptable in her day, it is not acceptable now.

Decent gp realise things change and adapt.

When I was a baby, back sleeping wasn't really a thing, because belly sleeping made babies sleep longer.

When ds was born, I explained that belly sleeping increased the risk of sids, so she never once put ds to sleep on his belly, only ever his back, despite the fact that it was harder to settle him that way. Because she's not a complete tit and is capable of understanding that times move on and advice/what is acceptable changes.

tobedtoMNandfart · 01/10/2020 08:25

Agree with all PP. completely unacceptable.
You must decide the best way to proceed but bear in mind that when she did this she was 'supervised' by you AND DH. AND she has given NO assurances it won't happen again.

Sorry your going through this. Being a parent tends to bring your own shit childhood into sharp focus.

Pantsinthewash · 01/10/2020 08:26

A strange choice of game to be having in the first place, imo! As an adult, she could have anticipated that a child might get over-excited and where it could lead.

Mittens030869 · 01/10/2020 08:26

Yes, smacking was commonplace in the 70s (teachers did it when I was in primary school), but this scenario isn't about a child being sanctioned for bad behaviour by an adult. This is a case of the adult encouraging a four year old boy to join her in a slapping game and then losing her temper when he got carried away (which of course he would).

MulticolourMophead · 01/10/2020 08:27

@Cannotcope4223

NC for me. You cant change the mindset of that generation at all and they’ll discipline children exactly how they see fit depending on their mood.

Stop generalising. There are plenty of people in "that generation" who didn't, and don't hit kids.

contrary13 · 01/10/2020 08:27

Unfortunately, if she hit you and your siblings as children - she will carry that on down to her grandchildren. And she'll believe, 100%, every time that she is challenged about her attitude towards discipline and/or having hurt/frightened them, that she's right - and you, the actual parent, are wrong.

My mother bit my son when he was around that age. He hated holding her hand (they've never liked one another), she kept tightening the grip, I was asking her to let go of him so that he could hold my hand, instead, her hackles went up and as she started to berate me for having the audacity to challenge her/remind her that she wasn't his mother, he did the only thing he could think of to make her let go of him. He sank his teeth into her. He'd never bitten before. Before I could grab him, however, she'd yanked his arm up and bitten him back. In public. On a "family day out". Not only did we go NC with her for a year, she had a visit from the police for assaulting my small child.

Your little boy is still too young to grasp when games end, I would have thought - especially if he was enjoying himself and everything was fun. He's also too young to understand cause and effect. Your mother, on the other hand, is not. She's supposed to be an adult, and she ought to have known better. But unfortunately - and I say this as someone who was once caught up in the FOG of a domineering mother, myself, who used assaults and abuse upon young children to get her own way - so should you. Compare your childhood to that of your son, and I'm pretty sure you'll admit that he has the better one. Please don't expose him to your mother's violence and bullying, sly, manipulative behaviour towards children too young to know any better, and certainly never leave him alone with her.

My son's 16 now and hasn't been left by himself with my mother since. Through what I now understand was bullying, immature nastiness towards him (I think she was getting some sort of kick out of him pleading for her to let him go, actually - having "power" over him), she's the one who is losing out. He'll only spend time with her, if I'm there... and I can't say that I blame him. At all.

I can count on the digits of one hand the amount of times my grandmother hurt me - and still have 4 left over (and she smacked my bottom when I was 7, because I'd done something that could have killed me, and which frightened her horribly). This meant I had a fantastic relationship with her, and would visit by myself, call her for chats as I grew up (I was in my mid-20s when she died), had little "in" jokes with her, and miss her to this day. That, surely, is what a relationship between a grandparent and their grandchild(ren) is meant to be like... not one couched in fear and resentment.

because I know it's not going to be easy, but also a suggestion that you look into therapy in order to try and untangle those chains that bind you to the belief she'd never dream of treating your child, the way in which she treated you.

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