My mother hit my child

[LenaBlack]

I have a 4 year old DS. We don't see my parents frequently due to distance. My mother visited recently, last time she has seen us was almost a year ago.

A day before her going back home she engaged with a play with my 4 year old DS where he was behind her on a sofa, at some point he pushed her and in response she pushed/slapped him back.. They engaged in a "game" of slapping .This was all light slapping at this point. My DH was in the same room, I was in the kitchen.
I came in and asked DS to help me in the kitchen ( he likes to "help"). He was giddy and overexcited (from the "game") and I cought my mother saying to him that if he hits her she will do it harder. He run to me and then turned and slapped her on leg..not very hard. He is 4!
It happened very quickly and my mother slapped him across his back in response. HARD. VERY HARD. Hard enough to see that it was hurting and he arched his back sharply, there was a red mark too.
I lost my temper and shouted at her asking what the hell is she doing...She was very angry and said my child assaulted her and nobody has the right to do that. That this will teach him to never do it again..I told her that she shouldn't have engaged in this kind of "play" and that she is an adult and should have told him to stop. She insisted that she did and he hit her....He is freaking 4 years old, really not that strong!!! I told her to tell me or DH if she can't handle him but she said she won't...
Showed absolutely no remorse and said she would do it again.

We don't hit DS, it was a big shock to him. It's days later he keeps saying that "grandma hit me really hard"..
My DH is shocked at what happened and that she absolutely refused to back down/apologise even when I was saying to her it's absolutely unacceptable.

My DS doesn't hit people. This "game" was encouraged by her and got him giddy..

I had a difficult relationship with my mother as a child and she used to hit me and my siblings. I never though she would hit a grandchild..

I can't trust her, can I?

I'm not overreacting in never letting her have him without very close supervision?

Absolutely unacceptable. Like you, my mum used to hit me when I was younger and would say I deserved it. I now have a child but have made it clear that if she does anything like she did with me as a child she will not be allowed any contact. It is disgusting behaviour to instigate the hitting game in the first place and justify her behaviour by blaming your son. If she won’t apologise nor understand what she has done is unacceptable I would avoid contact for at least a few months.

@Ophelia2020

Op why are you referring to your son hitting and pushing as a game? Why didn't your husband step in when he first pushed her? Theres nothing cute about little kids hitting and pushing adults and if this is a "game" you encourage at home understand that when he does this to other kids they're going to hit him back.

she engaged with a play with my 4 year old DS where he was behind her on a sofa, at some point he pushed her and in response she pushed/slapped him back.. They engaged in a "game" of slapping

I don't know why you're not correcting people who claim she started the game. You acknowledge he pushed her first and he shouldn't have. It's quite clear your mum wasn't enjoying it which isn't surprising as not many people enjoy being slapped and pushed by a 4 year old. It wasn't a game to your mum.

She shouldn't have slapped him. But your husband should have told him off immediately the first time he pushed her. Your husband might well be shocked. Your mums probably shocked that he sat there watching and didn't do anything.

Okay, so it’s the husband’s fault that granny slapped the OP’s son?

The minimising by some posters is unbelievable. It is nobody else’s fault but the grandmother’s. She was the violent one.

"I just didn't think she would hit a small child that wasn't hers."

But, to your mother, OP... your son is hers. She didn't turn to your husband, or call to you, to discipline your child - she did so, herself. Ergo, as far as she's concerned, your son? Is an extension, of her, regardless of the generational gap.

Your son was pushing to see how far she would allow him to go. That's normal 4/5 year old behaviour. It's how they learn. Your mother striking him so hard across his spinal column that his back arched, however, is not normal - and all he'll have learned from that is to be afraid of her (and from the sound of it, with good reason!).

You're minimising her behaviour, in an effort to justify not only what she did to your child, but also to yourself as a child. That's completely understandable. This was not your fault, OP. It wasn't your 4 year old's fault. If your husband couldn't understand what was happening due to a language barrier, it wasn't his fault, either.

It was your mother's fault.

You may choose not to go NC with her, but for your own sake, it is worth seeking some counselling, or therapy, so that you can understand how bullies like your mother (like my mother, like a horrific amount of mothers whose children post on here) do not change their behaviours. It's also necessary for you to understand that now you've confronted her about striking your child, and she has essentially thrown her toys out of the proverbial because she truly believes that she is right and you are wrong... her nastiness may become harder to spot. I know a woman whose mother took to slyly pinching her young granddaughter's arm, just hard enough to make her cry out but not bruise, once she'd been warned not to hurt her again.

Clearly your Mum hot you and now your child. As his parent you need to protect him. Never leave her alone in room with him again. I would be cutting down contact with Mum.

It's quite clear your mum wasn't enjoying it which isn't surprising as not many people enjoy being slapped and pushed by a 4 year old. It wasn't a game to your mum.

Quite clear to who? If she wasn't 'enjoying the game' she'd have stopped it at the first push, not responded, carried on and escalated. Nothing excuses her hitting a small child so hard on the back he arches and it leaves a red mark. Nothing.

Sadly I have been in a similar position to you, OP, and I chose not to leave my child with her again. No holiday visits to gran, no days out, nothing. It was part of a package of awfulness on her part and we rarely speak now.

My reaction btw when I saw it, was to remember having been the victim of her temper. I thought she was a strict mum. She was actually pretty emotionally abusive. It was like the scales fell from my eyes in that second. She has never challenged me about not letting her have the dc again so my guess is she knows fine well what’s right and wrong there.

@northstars

The minimising by some posters is unbelievable. It is nobody else’s fault but the grandmother’s. She was the violent one.

I agree.

If the OP said “My DH hit my son”, the replies would be to LTB, that abusers never change, that she needs to protect her son because the abuse will escalate, under no circumstances should he be hitting his child.

But because it was her mother who hit her son, it’s okay because its your mum, she doesn’t know any better, someone should have stepped in sooner, it was a one off isolated incident, she shouldn’t have done it, but...

@RattleOfBars

Why didn’t you stop the slapping game before it got out of hand?

He’s 4 and most 4 year olds know the difference between gentle pushing/slapping in a game and smacking an adult’s legs hard to enough to hurt. I’d be horrified if mine hit my mum aggressively, giddy or not. I expect she responded on instinct.

He was testing the boundaries and she showed him where those are.

I don’t agree with smacking children in general but I think there are situations where it is understandable. She shouldn’t have smacked his back (or any bony area) but a smack to the back of the leg or bottom was fairly normal for past generations.

Sounds like you’ve made YOUR boundaries clear to her now. But no I wouldn’t expect her to apologise to her grandson for disciplining him!

I would expect a grown adult to be able to fucking read and comprehend the post before pontificating, but we can't have everything, can we?

@Vivi0 IME unfortunately people with nice mums or even difficult mums who are still decent people, can’t comprehend what it’s like to have a deficient and/or abusive mother. That means (happily I guess!) most people can’t understand.

@Vivi0 - what you've said in spades.

I wouldn’t let her see him on her own at all. The slapping is bad enough but her reaction afterwards is more worrying- she will no doubt do this again.

Kids can hit hard, that doesn't justify her hitting him back, but even my one year olds can pinch, bite and pull hair VERY hard, it's silly to think that because he's four that it didn't hurt your mum. But yes of course, she's a grown woman and shouldn't hit a child. I wouldn't go NC though, just give her a warning that it's not OK to do.

In was smacked growing up and once my dad almost smacked my daughter, he caught himself at the last second stopped realising he was overstepping. It is not her place to smack and dictate. I couldn't cut out my mum but would go lower contact to protect child always making sure they are fully actively supervise. Likely no more coming to stay for a few days as getting too familar. Short couple of hour visits ok.

Out of fear my mother would do this, I haven't left her alone in private with my DC. After leaving her alone in public and accidentally seeing her when she didn't know, I've never done that again.

If you leave your child with your your mother ever again, you are allowing it to happen again.

Your job is to protect DC, not keep her happy. Base your decision on that please.

F***. Really? What kind of insane mind game was she playing here? I think she's a sick woman from that action alone. Unbelievable. Glad you protected your son immediately.

OP,

Very disturbing.

Whatever way you look at it, she was setting up your child to introduce him to a behaviour most parents would actively discourage, hitting, and also for him to be hurt.

Extraordinary behaviour for her to then defend.

Up to yourself about contact, but she certainly can't be trusted with a child again.

It was a stupid game that got out of hand. What a typically MN melodramtic over-reaction.

It was a stupid game that got out of hand. What a typically MN melodramtic over-reaction.

Hitting a child hard enough in the back to leave a red mark and MN users are the ones with the melodramatic overreaction?

Hitting a child hard enough in the back to leave a red mark and MN users are the ones with the melodramatic overreaction?

^This. And the OP's DM shouldn't have escalated it into a slapping game, why ever did she do that anyway??

It's fairly simple. OP your plan seems good. Infrequent contact and ensure child is not alone with grandma. I don't think it's a reason to go totally NC. Anyone saying to go NC over this are are just being unrealistic. OP said she doesn't want to go NC.

Sounds like you have a plan op. I wish you the best of luck sticking to it. Well done for protecting your dc

@katy1213 - of all the games a grandmother could play with a child, why instigate a slapping match? And of the two players, which one should be trusted not to let it get out of hand, the pre-schooler or the adult?

@Kljnmw3459

It's fairly simple. OP your plan seems good. Infrequent contact and ensure child is not alone with grandma. I don't think it's a reason to go totally NC. Anyone saying to go NC over this are are just being unrealistic. OP said she doesn't want to go NC.

I fail to see why NC is unrealistic. Why have someone like that in your life? There is no way I would tolerate anyone hitting my child.