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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is selfish for refusing to move

211 replies

TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:07

Long story short I moved to a place DH got a full time job. He worked full time and I was part time so I was happy to do this.

I work about 40-50 mins away so it’s fine to
drive, although now I’m more or less working full time, it’s starting to feel like too much.

Now with covid DH works from home so in theory it wouldn’t matter where we lived as he works remotely. So it would make sense to move nearer to my place of work as it would also save on petrol.

He point blank refuses to even discuss it. I’ve tried to bring it up and been shot down with him saying ‘you said you’d move here yada yada yada’ and I did about 6 years ago and it’s been fine, but now I’m pretty much full time at work, I’m staring to feel resentful that he won’t even discus it.

Circumstances have changed with covid and he just seems to care about himself and what he wants. I get mad when I think I can’t even bring it up without him throwing it back in my face saying ‘you said you said’.

I suppose it ends up being well he won’t do it for me or even discus it so why should I do it for him?

OP posts:
serialreturner · 30/09/2020 15:10

You're making the assumption Covid will go on forever as will WFH.

HIBU not even discussing it.

Who's the higher earner and what are both your prospects?

Original poster
TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:11

Just to add - the area is like to move to to make it easier is a nicer area with similar property prices and we can totally afford it.

OP posts:
Di11y · 30/09/2020 15:12

He's had his time of it being convenient for him. It's reasonable for you to want to find somewhere closer

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 30/09/2020 15:13

What are your connections to your current area and the new area? Friends, family, hobbies?

tornadoalley · 30/09/2020 15:14

What happens when he returns to work? Will he be the one with the 40 minute commute?

Original poster
TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:15

@serialreturner

You're making the assumption Covid will go on forever as will WFH.

HIBU not even discussing it.

Who's the higher earner and what are both your prospects?

He is the higher earner, although now opportunities at work are coming my way. Some of my work would potentially be further afield too, so living in a different area would make it more manageable.

I get what you’re saying about covid but I thunk the company he works for have found it works so well atm that they are looking to make it permanent. He’s certainly unlikely to ever have to go in to the office Monday - Friday 9-5 again

OP posts:
Original poster
TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:15

@tornadoalley

What happens when he returns to work? Will he be the one with the 40 minute commute?
No, its about 10 mins in the car
OP posts:
Howlooseisyourgoose · 30/09/2020 15:16

He sounds like a knob.

Whilst I wouldn’t move for a job, his total refusal to discuss it shows he is a knob.

I’m guessing he’s a knob in other ways?

Howlooseisyourgoose · 30/09/2020 15:17

What happens when he returns to work? Will he be the one with the 40 minute commute?

No, its about 10 mins in the car

Why did you agree to move? 10 mins is nothing.

GrumpyHoonMain · 30/09/2020 15:17

An hour’s commute is reasonable nowadays. I think you need to look at the bigger picture a bit - your job can be changed if needed. But you can’t change the support networks you’ve built up in your current area.

Original poster
TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:18

@KarlKennedysDurianFruit

What are your connections to your current area and the new area? Friends, family, hobbies?
Current area meh- it’s ok not the worst place to live, have a few friends but struggle to see them because of my daily commute I’m too tired etc

New area I’ve got a few friends but it’s more convenient for my work etc.

OP posts:
WetdreamBeliever · 30/09/2020 15:18

If the only reason to move is so that you can be nearer your part-time job, then I wouldn't move either.
If there are other reasons, then sell them to him.

Original poster
TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:19

@Howlooseisyourgoose

What happens when he returns to work? Will he be the one with the 40 minute commute?

No, its about 10 mins in the car

Why did you agree to move? 10 mins is nothing.

I was part time so thought it’s fairer. Regretting that decision now 😭
OP posts:
Original poster
TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:21

@GrumpyHoonMain

An hour’s commute is reasonable nowadays. I think you need to look at the bigger picture a bit - your job can be changed if needed. But you can’t change the support networks you’ve built up in your current area.
We haven’t got a support network in our current area. That’s why I can’t understand why he’s so adamant to stay here. There’s no ties.
OP posts:
LannieDuck · 30/09/2020 15:21

So you have 1 hr 20 commute every day and he has 0?

I would suggest he takes on 1 hr 20 of additional chores to even up your free time. It might help him understand your annoyance of that wasted time. And if it doesn’t, at least you’ll have offset your commute...

CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/09/2020 15:21

Was there anything he agreed to a number of years ago that no longer gets done?

Not suggesting for a moment you throw it back in his face...

Original poster
TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:22

@Howlooseisyourgoose

He sounds like a knob.

Whilst I wouldn’t move for a job, his total refusal to discuss it shows he is a knob.

I’m guessing he’s a knob in other ways?

You’ve hit the nail on the head. It’s his refusal to even discus it that gets my back up more than anything.

You’d think I was asking him to move to Canada

OP posts:
Howlooseisyourgoose · 30/09/2020 15:23

I was part time so thought it’s fairer. Regretting that decision now 😭

How easy is it to move? Do you have a mortgage or do you rent? Do you have kids?

If you don’t have the above, make sure you move before you get these. It will be much harder when you have these.

Original poster
TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:23

@WetdreamBeliever

If the only reason to move is so that you can be nearer your part-time job, then I wouldn't move either. If there are other reasons, then sell them to him.
I’m pretty much full time now and there are opportunities coming up where I could progress but just feel like the commute would be too much.
OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 30/09/2020 15:24

Are there other issues in your relationship? Sounds like part of a bigger problem.

Original poster
TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:24

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Was there anything he agreed to a number of years ago that no longer gets done?

Not suggesting for a moment you throw it back in his face...

😂 I’m trying to think haha
OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 30/09/2020 15:25

You need to wait for it to be confirmed he can work ft at home and it's stated in his I tract. Otherwise, there are no guarantees at all.

Would moving halfway an option. Are there kids involved and so a change of schools?

Original poster
TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:26

@GrumpyHoonMain

Are there other issues in your relationship? Sounds like part of a bigger problem.
I would say I try to look at the bigger picture and take in to account everyone’s view. I think he’s somewhat narrow minded at times.
OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 30/09/2020 15:26

Not being willing to discuss it is rubbish, definitely.

But I'm not sure that him not wanting to move is any more selfish than you wanting to. Moving is a costly upheaval. Most people need good reasons to do it.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 30/09/2020 15:26

But even if he does do jack to the office, you need to be equi-distant from office to home.

It’s not fair that you have a much longer commute.

When you agree to move you didn’t agree to move for life.

I wouldn’t want kids with this knob.

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