To think DH is selfish for refusing to move

[TableFlowerss]

Long story short I moved to a place DH got a full time job. He worked full time and I was part time so I was happy to do this.

I work about 40-50 mins away so it’s fine to
drive, although now I’m more or less working full time, it’s starting to feel like too much.

Now with covid DH works from home so in theory it wouldn’t matter where we lived as he works remotely. So it would make sense to move nearer to my place of work as it would also save on petrol.

He point blank refuses to even discuss it. I’ve tried to bring it up and been shot down with him saying ‘you said you’d move here yada yada yada’ and I did about 6 years ago and it’s been fine, but now I’m pretty much full time at work, I’m staring to feel resentful that he won’t even discus it.

Circumstances have changed with covid and he just seems to care about himself and what he wants. I get mad when I think I can’t even bring it up without him throwing it back in my face saying ‘you said you said’.

I suppose it ends up being well he won’t do it for me or even discus it so why should I do it for him?

@dontdisturbmenow

I suspect it has been discussed though. When the OP says 'he won't discuss it' i get the sense she means 'he won't discuss it then agree with me'. There are only so many times you can have the same conversation. This is the feeling I get too. It 2as discussed but because the discussion didn't reply in an agreement to move, OP wants to continue to do so until what? He reluctantly agree for some peace and quiet?

As to say that something agreed 6 years ago becoming redundant, funny how this is never the view of posters when a man had agreed marriage or to have a child but changes his mind after a few years. He is crucified for daring going back on his words.

Well, firstly he won’t discuss it, because I said I’d move there 6 years ago, when our situation was different. I never proclaimed this would be my forever home and I’ll never speak of moving in the future. (it is normal to move for various reasons you know.....)

When our circumstances started to change I said it would be easier if we moved to ‘xxx’ and he went of in a huff and said I’d agreed to move here...... I’ve not been able to bring it up again because he wants to stay where we are. Perhaps he doesn’t want to take on more responsibility, perhaps because of the money it may cost to move initially (although the amount we spend in petrol per month now is more than a 3rd of our mortgage payments!!

The fact is, if I do much as mention it, he walks out so I don’t bother. That’s not on!

In theory it shouldn’t matter to him where we live as he works from home. It’s not like he’ll have to take on a long commute. So why should I have to be stuck with all the driving just because he likes the house?!

And post doesn’t even make sense comparing it to marriage. Absolute not the same one iota....

@dontdisturbmenow

I suspect it has been discussed though. When the OP says 'he won't discuss it' i get the sense she means 'he won't discuss it then agree with me'. There are only so many times you can have the same conversation. This is the feeling I get too. It 2as discussed but because the discussion didn't reply in an agreement to move, OP wants to continue to do so until what? He reluctantly agree for some peace and quiet?

As to say that something agreed 6 years ago becoming redundant, funny how this is never the view of posters when a man had agreed marriage or to have a child but changes his mind after a few years. He is crucified for daring going back on his words.

You can't tell the difference between people moving somewhere because that worked for their circumstances then and then looking at moving again (because moving to a house isn't a lifetime commitment) because their work situation has changed, and someone tricking someone into a relationship by saying they want to get married / have children when they actually don't? Even if in the latter they genuinely did want to and now don't want to, it's still not the same as choosing a house which is not one choice for your entire life.

And refusing to discuss a family decision and stropping off is just pathetic.

Can you afford to book 2/4 nights per week somewhere cheap for a month near where you work? I think this will prove a point of how much you contribute to family life in addition to working nearly full time...

I would feel absolutely not valued and not equal and his attitude would be a deal breaker tbh.

Yep, start going in earlier, therefore avoiding rush hour and the school run. He'll have to step up then and may be more amenable to moving.

Sorry op wrong thread have asked for it to be deleted!

I like the hotel idea. 2 nights a week would be 3 days work in a row with no commute and a shock of family life for the dp.

I had a 50 minute drive to work. I changed my hours, starting and finishing an hour earlier. This significantly reduced the traffic and travelling time. However, when I took that job my DC were old enough to get themselves to school. DH also left early so it would have been difficult.
If your husband is determined to stay put, he will have to do the morning routine and school run.
I didn't like the midwinter drive, but I enjoyed most of the year driving through lovely countryside at 7am. I used to listen to the radio or audiobook.

Is it childish for you to now refuse to talk to him about anything at all until he talks to you about the issue? I’d be feeling really frustrated...

@NicholasTopliss that's a good point. Driving on lively uncrowded roads first thing can be bliss. Sadly you're expected to do the school run but it you ' had' to be at work earlier you could go when you are ready which is almost certainly a lot earlier. It would be nice for him to take over their morning routine. I'm sure he would enjoy it a great deal and he would realise how easy it is. 😉

Lovely uncrowded roads! Not lively!