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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is selfish for refusing to move

211 replies

TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:07

Long story short I moved to a place DH got a full time job. He worked full time and I was part time so I was happy to do this.

I work about 40-50 mins away so it’s fine to
drive, although now I’m more or less working full time, it’s starting to feel like too much.

Now with covid DH works from home so in theory it wouldn’t matter where we lived as he works remotely. So it would make sense to move nearer to my place of work as it would also save on petrol.

He point blank refuses to even discuss it. I’ve tried to bring it up and been shot down with him saying ‘you said you’d move here yada yada yada’ and I did about 6 years ago and it’s been fine, but now I’m pretty much full time at work, I’m staring to feel resentful that he won’t even discus it.

Circumstances have changed with covid and he just seems to care about himself and what he wants. I get mad when I think I can’t even bring it up without him throwing it back in my face saying ‘you said you said’.

I suppose it ends up being well he won’t do it for me or even discus it so why should I do it for him?

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 30/09/2020 15:51

I don’t want to go in to anymore details but the move would be better for the children Would it really? Or are you just projecting on to them. Because really uprooting your DH, going through the process of moving, uprooting your children from all their friends for the sake of a shorter commute which isn’t that long in the first place is incredibly selfish.

FWIW I’ve been on the other side of this. We moved for my eXH’s job. In fairness to him he really did have a long commute and was the main earner. But he told me it would be better for him and better for the DC. What I thought was irrelevant really. We’d discussed doing it previously but although he’d held off once it was never not going to happen. So we moved.

A year later we were divorced.

Moving only works if you’re both on the same page. And given you previously didn’t have an issue with where you were living I think that really this is just about a bit less time in the car and nothing more.

There is no guarantee you will sell your house, no guarantee you’re not going to be made redundant in the current climate or that he won’t be. In my case moving was relevant to eXH and it still came between us. In yours it really isn’t.

Original poster
TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:52

@Swampshade

Well, you're lying somewhere here OP. You're saying it takes you 40-50 minutes (and then later you say it's more like an hour) to get from your house to your work. You're saying you moved from another location so your husband would have a shorter commute to work. You've said that the location you'd like to move to is 10 minutes commute from your husband's work. So, if the new location is 10 minutes from your husband's work, your current place must be less than ten minutes (otherwise there'd be no reason to move there as you've said you moved because of his commute - who on earth moves over a ten minute commute anyway?). If his current commute is less than ten minutes from your current house and about ten minutes from the new house you'd like to move to - that's a total of a maximum of twenty minutes. How on earth are you saying it takes you 2-3 times longer to drive that distance?! It is not physically possible for this story to add up.
Omg are you a detective trying to pick it pieces? Confused for goodness sake....

The 10 min commute was easier for him that’s why I agreed to move here! If I said no I want to live in timbucktwo his commute would be a lot longer so yes 10 mins is a very short commute and that’s why he’s very happy!

Also it’s a bad county road and can take 40 mins or so on occasion but that doesn’t account for traffic that’s why I gave a 10 min window. I never ever get there in less than 40 mins. I can however be sitting for up to 55 mins

Is there anything else I’ve missed?! Confused

OP posts:
Minimumstandard · 30/09/2020 15:52

Do you like your job? Could you get a new job that you liked equally as much closer to home?

You say it would be better for the children but don't give specifics. The problem is these specifics are quite relevant. If you're running round doing school run/pick ups and generally being a taxi service, then commuting to your job and having to rush home for the kids while he sits on his arse wfh, then that sounds massively stressful and he's being unreasonable. If he's sorting all that stuff so all you have is your commute and also doing more household chores with the time he is saving, then maybe YABU.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 30/09/2020 15:53

I’m guessing the schools are better in the area the OP wants to move to.

NW2SW · 30/09/2020 15:54

Not a lie. I have a very similar commute. One long country road and it can vary between 45-75 mins quite frequently, especially during winter with darker nights and incompetent cautious drivers

dottiedodah · 30/09/2020 15:54

What are the practicalities involved? Would the new area be more expensive ? Would you be able to afford the same sort of property? On the face of it he does seem unreasonable .However maybe listen to some of his concerns . An hour or so is not excessive IMO ,but maybe you could point out less Travel time means less fuel and you would have more time together and be able to have a nicer evening meal?

ScatteredMama82 · 30/09/2020 15:55

40-50 minutes isn't a bad commute to be honest. You want to move your whole family to save 20 minutes in the car each way, but what if you get a different job? It seems like a lot of upheaval for not much gain, and it's not guaranteed to last forever.

Him refusing to even discuss it is unfair though.

contrmary · 30/09/2020 15:57

Something doesn't add up here, but anyway. Are you able to look for a job somewhere nearer, or something that you can work from home for?

Original poster
TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:57

School is on the way to my job so the closer we live to that, the less commute for my children. Please understand I don’t want to out myself that’s why I don’t want to go in to any further detail. I’m not trying to be obtuse I promise.

OP posts:
BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 30/09/2020 15:57

He’s being unreasonable to refuse to discuss it with you. That makes me think he probably doesn’t want to move because he’s fine working where he is without the hassle of moving and is just being selfish. If he had other reasons to not move, surely he’d want to discuss them.

dottiedodah · 30/09/2020 15:58

Sorry missed that you have DC .What about their Schooling /Friends and so on ? Would they be happy to move .I think you need everyone on board really .Having a slightly shorter commute seems a small thing if no one else wants to do it!

Cavagirl · 30/09/2020 16:00

Lol I'd love a 40 minute commute.

It sounds like you just want to move house.

Your OP should read:
I want to move house. My husband won't discuss it. I find this annoying. AIBU?

Then everyone would probably agree with you.

In the middle of a pandemic I'd be grateful you've both got jobs & clearly enough in savings to be able to fund a house move! You might need those later!

Original poster
TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 16:00

@NW2SW

Not a lie. I have a very similar commute. One long country road and it can vary between 45-75 mins quite frequently, especially during winter with darker nights and incompetent cautious drivers
Exactly this. With covid I was there and back in about 42 mins door to door when the roads were quiet but that’s not the norm. As you say in the winter it generally takes longer.
OP posts:
Swampshade · 30/09/2020 16:01

@NW2SW

Not a lie. I have a very similar commute. One long country road and it can vary between 45-75 mins quite frequently, especially during winter with darker nights and incompetent cautious drivers
I'm not saying it's a lie that a commute can take that long, I'm saying it's a lie that her commute from their current house to her work is 40minutes to an hour, but if they move closer to her work then her husband's commute would only be ten minutes. That's not true. It's not possible for it to take him so much less time to drive the same road in the opposite direction.
AlternativePerspective · 30/09/2020 16:01

Thing is, “discussing” it really means agreeing to do what the OP wants. After all, if they discuss it and DH still says no the OP will still think he’s in the wrong.

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2020 16:07

I’m not sure this does add up op. How he can’t still only be ten mins from work but you’re forty mins closer to yours?

Conquered · 30/09/2020 16:07

Thing is, “discussing” it really means agreeing to do what the OP wants. After all, if they discuss it and DH still says no the OP will still think he’s in the wrong.

Yup.

Purpledaisychain · 30/09/2020 16:09

It could be argued that you are being selfish for wanting to move.

Original poster
TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 16:09

I’m not saying it's a lie that a commute can take that long, I'm saying it's a lie that her commute from their current house to her work is 40minutes to an hour, but if they move closer to her work then her husband's commute would only be ten minutes. That's not true It's not possible for it to take him so much less time to drive the same road in the opposite direction

@Swampshade

What’s so difficult to understand? My commute is say 50 mins. DH is 10. Currently

If we move close to my work he will then have a longer commute and I will have a shorter commute?

If we move roughly half way we’ll both have about 25 mins...

Where did I say that my DH commute would only be 10 mins if we move?....

OP posts:
Original poster
TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 16:10

@AlternativePerspective

Thing is, “discussing” it really means agreeing to do what the OP wants. After all, if they discuss it and DH still says no the OP will still think he’s in the wrong.
I wouldn’t be happy but we both have to compromise.

He simply won’t discus it that’s my main issue

OP posts:
Swampshade · 30/09/2020 16:11

@TableFlowerss

I’m not saying it's a lie that a commute can take that long, I'm saying it's a lie that her commute from their current house to her work is 40minutes to an hour, *but if they move closer to her work then her husband's commute would only be ten minutes. That's not true It's not possible for it to take him so much less time to drive the same road in the opposite direction*

@Swampshade

What’s so difficult to understand? My commute is say 50 mins. DH is 10. Currently

If we move close to my work he will then have a longer commute and I will have a shorter commute?

If we move roughly half way we’ll both have about 25 mins...

Where did I say that my DH commute would only be 10 mins if we move?....

It's the eighth message in this thread, on the very first page. You posted it at 15.15.17 today.
44PumpLane · 30/09/2020 16:12

I don't get why you're being berated for your "only" 40 minute commute seeming like a long commute to you.

For the past 16 years I've worked within a 20 minute commute from my home, I actively turned down a job that would be a minimum of 40 minute drive from my house after being made redundant..... I knew I would hate the commute and didn't want to commit to it only to be miserable, 40-60 minutes in a car to and from work wouldn't work for my life and so I can totally understand why you'd want to reduce that OP.

Who cares if others take 90 minutes to get to work, if 40 minutes doesn't work for you then it doesn't work for you.

Also surely now if exactly the time to be talking about moving since there is no Stamp Duty to pay if you're buying below the threshold.

I agree with a prior poster, you need to tell you husband you want a serious discussion about this, arrange a time to sit down and talk and discuss.

If he refuses to engage I'd seriously consider whether you want to bother staying with someone who is not willing to engage with you over something so important. He doesn't have to move, but he absolutely should be willing to have an adult conversation with you about it.

Original poster
TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 16:12

@Purpledaisychain

It could be argued that you are being selfish for wanting to move.
It could be.

Refusing to discus something that affects both parties because you don’t want to hear it, imo trumps anything

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 30/09/2020 16:14

I find his refusal to discuss it at all ludicrous, tbh. It’s hardly a major move, it doesn’t involve changing jobs, children moving schools, etc.

Even if you both decide it’s not a good idea, he needs to discuss it with you. That’s called being a mature adult, listening to someone else’s opinions and coming to a joint decision!

44PumpLane · 30/09/2020 16:16

swampshade
It's the eighth message in this thread, on the very first page. You posted it at 15.15.17 today

The 8th message where the OP states the husbands commute is 10 minutes is in reference to him going back to work if covid restrictions end, ie 10 minute commute from where he lives currently, not from the new location.