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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is selfish for refusing to move

211 replies

TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:07

Long story short I moved to a place DH got a full time job. He worked full time and I was part time so I was happy to do this.

I work about 40-50 mins away so it’s fine to
drive, although now I’m more or less working full time, it’s starting to feel like too much.

Now with covid DH works from home so in theory it wouldn’t matter where we lived as he works remotely. So it would make sense to move nearer to my place of work as it would also save on petrol.

He point blank refuses to even discuss it. I’ve tried to bring it up and been shot down with him saying ‘you said you’d move here yada yada yada’ and I did about 6 years ago and it’s been fine, but now I’m pretty much full time at work, I’m staring to feel resentful that he won’t even discus it.

Circumstances have changed with covid and he just seems to care about himself and what he wants. I get mad when I think I can’t even bring it up without him throwing it back in my face saying ‘you said you said’.

I suppose it ends up being well he won’t do it for me or even discus it so why should I do it for him?

OP posts:
NW2SW · 30/09/2020 15:27

His justification of not moving because you having agreed to live there 6 years** ago would really get my back up. So immature - how much has changed in 6 years?!

Did you plan for this to be a forever home? Is that why he's struggling to even consider it.

Original poster
TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:27

@dontdisturbmenow

You need to wait for it to be confirmed he can work ft at home and it's stated in his I tract. Otherwise, there are no guarantees at all.

Would moving halfway an option. Are there kids involved and so a change of schools?

Yeah there done nice areas half way and I’d be fine with that too. It’s just his reluctance to even discuss it or consider it from my perspective
OP posts:
RednaxelasLunch · 30/09/2020 15:28

It doesn't matter a fig what was said 6 years ago. Things have changed.

There must be more to it, no reasonable adult would react as you describe DH doing.

Maybe say "I'm serious about this, I want you to support my career the same way I've supported yours, let's talk about it on X day when we've both had a chance to think about things".. give him a chance to get his head out of his arse.

RandomMess · 30/09/2020 15:28

I would tell him you are considering moving there by yourself as you are just too tired.

Look into renting a Mon-Fri room.

You may decide to move permanently without him...

Florencex · 30/09/2020 15:30

He might not be WFH for ever. If you want to move for other reasons, then YANBU for wanting to at least discuss it. However I think moving primarily to reduce a 40minute commute is bordering on insane. This is a perfectly reasonable and normal commute time, quite short if anything.

Original poster
TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:30

@NW2SW

His justification of not moving because you having agreed to live there 6 years** ago would really get my back up. So immature - how much has changed in 6 years?!

Did you plan for this to be a forever home? Is that why he's struggling to even consider it.

When we bought our house he always said he doesn’t want to move etc and that’s fine, but my work arrangements have changed now too and although I like this house, it’s just a house to me.
OP posts:
Smallsteps88 · 30/09/2020 15:31

I think it’s too soon into “the new normal” to make any big and costly decisions like moving for work. Covid isn’t permanent, and whilst it’s entirely possible he’ll never work on the office again I wouldn’t be in a rush to up-sticks just yet. But I agree he needs to be willing to have the conversation and doesn’t get to unilaterally decide it isn’t happening.

VinylDetective · 30/09/2020 15:32

None of my commutes have been less than 40 minutes, most of them considerably more. It’s hardly exhausting.

Original poster
TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:32

@Florencex

He might not be WFH for ever. If you want to move for other reasons, then YANBU for wanting to at least discuss it. However I think moving primarily to reduce a 40minute commute is bordering on insane. This is a perfectly reasonable and normal commute time, quite short if anything.
It’s often more like an hour. 40 mins is the bare minimum no traffic etc. Terrible country roads and often stuck behind tractors, wagons etc.
OP posts:
jdoejnr1 · 30/09/2020 15:33

So you work part time and want to move house to reduce the below average commute time you have? Yet he's the bad person? Also, what happens if the WFH ends? You sound massively unreasonable.

VeniceQueen2004 · 30/09/2020 15:34

Do you have kids? If not, sell up and get your own place where you want to live. It's not complicated at all unless there are children involved - he thinks his comfort is more important than yours, to the point he won't even compromise. That's not a relationship.

Original poster
TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:35

@VinylDetective

None of my commutes have been less than 40 minutes, most of them considerably more. It’s hardly exhausting.
I get that and that’s why I agreed in the first place, although it can be up to an hour if I get stuck behind lorry etc...

It’s just him not discussing it all. It’s ok for him as he doesn’t leave the house

OP posts:
nikkylou · 30/09/2020 15:35

Yanbu to expect a discussion. That doesn't mean you should move.

Also is the sole driver that you want an easier commute or is there a whole host of reasons? In theory, I'd support / expect support if one of us to move for work. But there are restrictions on that - complete location changes, higher salary. I'd be annoyed if my partner changed hours / role within the same area and declared he wanted to move because of that. Especially if part of his reason was oh you're working from home, it doesn't matter how far your potential commute might be.

Ultimately it was acceptable before...and if it wasn't upon changing the hours / job, I'd want a discussion as to whether they should accept and we'd up sticks or they'd decline and look for something more acceptable.

I suppose it comes down to how you're presenting. Are you saying - we should move because of my job.

Or saying, with my job change and the salary, perhaps we can review where we live.
One sounds like you've made the decision and want to sit down and discuss houses and stuff.
The other sounds more like you want to have a decent cost/benefit discussion, which might on inspection decide the family should stay put, even if that's not the best for you individually.

Just to be clear, I'm not saying you should sacrifice your happiness, just that you saving a bit of petrol and time isn't reason enough to move houses, when a job change would suffice.

No benefits can be just as bad as cost. Both houses have a lovely park nearby, near a good school etc., You don't gain or lose them but moving, but you will lose a couple of grand moving so....

Original poster
TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:39

@jdoejnr1

So you work part time and want to move house to reduce the below average commute time you have? Yet he's the bad person? Also, what happens if the WFH ends? You sound massively unreasonable.
I work 4.5 days.

The average is about 50 mind each way. Sometimes closer to an hour. Can be in the car for 2 hours each day.

That’s not to include any commute I need to go to a different office etc... I can’t do this at the moment though as it’s about 45 mins in the opposite direction. So my commute would be over 1.5 hours each way at least.

He’s been told that it’s very likely the company will not continue renting their current offices so working from home is going to be very very likely forever more.

He won’t even discuss it even though the circumstances have changed.

But yes, I see how it must be me being unreasonable......Hmm

OP posts:
Conquered · 30/09/2020 15:39

Moving is stressful, how did your last move go?

Does he love the house your in?

How did you approach bringing it up?

Your both being unreasonable in ways

AlternativePerspective · 30/09/2020 15:40

Do you have DC? I’m guessing so since three posters have asked this already and you haven’t responded....

A 40 minute commute is standard. TBH in the current climate I wouldn’t be prepared to discuss moving either.

The economy is in a bad place, no job is certain, buying and selling houses is immensely stressful, and if you have children now is not the right time to even think about uprooting them from their friends, because if schools should close again they will be socially isolated in an area where they know no-one.

quizqueen · 30/09/2020 15:43

It will cost you over 20 grand to move house. Why did you apply for a job so far away in the first place? That distance was always there so should have been factored into your original decision. I'm with your husband. Why should he move if he's happy where he is? If you became the main earner then that would be different. However, he should do more of the day to day running of the house as he has no commute.

Original poster
TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:43

I don’t want to go in to anymore details but the move would be better for the children Smile

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 30/09/2020 15:43

@RandomMess

I would tell him you are considering moving there by yourself as you are just too tired.

Look into renting a Mon-Fri room.

You may decide to move permanently without him...

Just do this.
Swampshade · 30/09/2020 15:44

Well, you're lying somewhere here OP.
You're saying it takes you 40-50 minutes (and then later you say it's more like an hour) to get from your house to your work. You're saying you moved from another location so your husband would have a shorter commute to work. You've said that the location you'd like to move to is 10 minutes commute from your husband's work. So, if the new location is 10 minutes from your husband's work, your current place must be less than ten minutes (otherwise there'd be no reason to move there as you've said you moved because of his commute - who on earth moves over a ten minute commute anyway?). If his current commute is less than ten minutes from your current house and about ten minutes from the new house you'd like to move to - that's a total of a maximum of twenty minutes. How on earth are you saying it takes you 2-3 times longer to drive that distance?!
It is not physically possible for this story to add up.

Original poster
TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:44

@quizqueen

It will cost you over 20 grand to move house. Why did you apply for a job so far away in the first place? That distance was always there so should have been factored into your original decision. I'm with your husband. Why should he move if he's happy where he is? If you became the main earner then that would be different. However, he should do more of the day to day running of the house as he has no commute.
I didn’t apply for another job. It’s the company I’ve always been in but just more hours and more responsibilities coming my way.
OP posts:
Conquered · 30/09/2020 15:48

Facts will keep changing because you're hoping to get everyone on side.

Im with your husband on this one.

2bazookas · 30/09/2020 15:49

Are you sure that either of your employers will survive Covid (and Brexit)? If there is any doubt one or other job might end , it might not be the best time to take on the expense and hassle of selling your house , buying another and moving to another area.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 30/09/2020 15:50

I moved three times for DH’s career, massive moves across that country that significantly impacted my own career ( not in a good way).
The moves were all within a ten-year period!

So no, yanbu to want to discuss a potential move and he’s being v. immature refusing to discuss it. From what you’re saying, you’re moving towards full-time now, with potential for career growth. It may make sense to move closer to your work place.

But, I agree with PP’s that now isn’t the time to make this decision, as everything’s so uncertain. Give it a few months and see what happens with your DH’s wfh arrangement first. If it becomes permanent, moving is definitely on the table- and what you decided six years ago is irrelevant.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 30/09/2020 15:50

@Conquered

Facts will keep changing because you're hoping to get everyone on side.

Im with your husband on this one.

What facts have changed? Hmm
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