Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is selfish for refusing to move

211 replies

TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:07

Long story short I moved to a place DH got a full time job. He worked full time and I was part time so I was happy to do this.

I work about 40-50 mins away so it’s fine to
drive, although now I’m more or less working full time, it’s starting to feel like too much.

Now with covid DH works from home so in theory it wouldn’t matter where we lived as he works remotely. So it would make sense to move nearer to my place of work as it would also save on petrol.

He point blank refuses to even discuss it. I’ve tried to bring it up and been shot down with him saying ‘you said you’d move here yada yada yada’ and I did about 6 years ago and it’s been fine, but now I’m pretty much full time at work, I’m staring to feel resentful that he won’t even discus it.

Circumstances have changed with covid and he just seems to care about himself and what he wants. I get mad when I think I can’t even bring it up without him throwing it back in my face saying ‘you said you said’.

I suppose it ends up being well he won’t do it for me or even discus it so why should I do it for him?

OP posts:
WhereamI88 · 30/09/2020 17:57

Sounds like your DH is used to putting himself first. Your comfort and career opportunities are coming second to his wants at all times it seems. Given he is wfh, I'd push for this move pretty hard. 1 hr driving each way every day is tough and there is no good reason for you to put up with it. Time for him to show you he gives a damn about you.

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2020 18:05

To be fair it is very expensive and stressful to move,

I understand why you wish to op. I also understand why he may not be willing to move, to spend thousands doing so and to go through the stress and upheaval

To be honest, we’ve been here six years, our working patterns have changed, i work from home my husband travels more, if he asked me to move I’d probably tell him to do one and to crack on with his forty/fifty min commute.

🤷‍♀️

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2020 18:09

And all the saintly ones saying he should move, I bet half of them who like where they live would also tell their husbands to do one if they asked, and not say yes darling, let’s call the agents now, I’d love to move twenty mins up the road,,

NicholasTopliss · 30/09/2020 18:10

This might not work during covid, but there are people who rent out a room in their house monday to friday. If you could find accommodation near your work would that help?
Would dh pick up the school run and domestic stuff during the week. Could you share shopping, washing and batch cooking?

iklboo · 30/09/2020 18:17

Does he currently take up the slack with school runs, housework and cooking since you're on the road for 2 hours a day and he's not?

OP has already said he doesn't.

Eddielzzard · 30/09/2020 18:33

iklboo I don't believe she has

iklboo · 30/09/2020 18:43

School is on the way to my job so the closer we live to that, the less commute for my children. Please understand I don’t want to out myself that’s why I don’t want to go in to any further detail. I’m not trying to be obtuse I promise.

Spiderbaby8 · 30/09/2020 18:45

I think he should at least have the conversation, although moving is stressful and expensive so I can see why he would be against it.

LemonTT · 30/09/2020 18:48

I think you have discussed it with him and he has discussed it with you. You have a reason you want to move, it reduces your commute. He has a reason he wants to stay, this is were you both agreed to settle.

Neither are great contentions and on balance one will cost £1000’s of pounds and might not yield savings in the joint commute costs. I don’t know why people on MN think it’s an easy and cheap thing to buy and sell houses. It’s not. That’s why people don’t move much these days.

You are at an impasse. You both need to reframe what you want from this situation and find a compromise.

Friendsoftheearth · 30/09/2020 18:48

Two things to consider:

  1. You have a long day, having any kind of quality of life is hard with a two hour commute.

  2. He needs to care enough about you for your health and wellbeing to be a priority.

This is not about whether it is about stressful to move, it is about your life and allowing you to live well. The fact he closes down the discussion without even hearing you out is outrageous. I would not stand for that. It is your life as well, this is not all about him!

He needs to listen to your ideas, you need to listen to his reasons for staying which may be valid. Is he always like this? Because his behaviour is coming across as extremely selfish and uncaring.

Friendsoftheearth · 30/09/2020 18:52

I may also add that agreeing to settle somewhere six years ago does not automatically mean your rights to move/change your mind/feel differently are forever null and void. Six years ago it worked for you, now it doesn't. You have lived there for long enough, it has been six years not six months. If my dh wanted to move and was not happy, no matter how much I love my house and my friends here, I would always seriously consider it, because I want him to be happy and feel well, especially given your reasons, it is not just a whim on your part.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/09/2020 19:00

Yep, you say that you've decided that you're going to go in early/come home later/ whatever, in order to minimise the travel stress, and so he now is responsible for school and also cooking etc - he has two extra hours, if that's going to be the plan forever, these hours can cover domestic stuff.

The first hint from him 'Hang on, no way, I'm busy... blah'

you just look at him

and say

no discussion

I thought that was the way things worked now?

:)

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 30/09/2020 19:02

I would make your commute his problem. Extra child care and housework cause you're not home. See a friend one night and stay over. You're making it easy for him to be selfish so he is. Don't.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/09/2020 19:04

Oh yes I would also start a few late nights... maybe even look into doing four long days???

And just stop, utterly stop with DOING MORE. 'No, I won't have time - I'll be out at work.' The Big Man job doesn't cut it in the face of the Big Commute Job. 'I'll probably not be home...'

caringcarer · 30/09/2020 19:06

If you have no kids it should be relatively easy to move but if kids at school it is less feasible. There is a cost to mooving too.

GameSetMatch · 30/09/2020 19:20

40-50 minutes isn’t that much of a commute, I’d say it’s a reasonable amount of time to drive to and from work everyday. Is it worth losing your husband over?

IndieTara · 30/09/2020 19:21

@GameSetMatch missing thepoint entirely

billy1966 · 30/09/2020 20:00

@GameSetMatch

40-50 minutes isn’t that much of a commute, I’d say it’s a reasonable amount of time to drive to and from work everyday. Is it worth losing your husband over?
It is if he's a selfish prick who won't discuss things and shuts his wife down!😁
MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 30/09/2020 20:09

Well the first thing you gave to dump on him is the school run. You are no longer going to work and/of coming home at a time that suits. Why would he move if he thought suddenly he was going to pick up the school run (no longer on the way)? Well take that out of the equation,

Ditto 'just picking up a few bits and pieces on the way home'. You pick up food like frozen pizzas or whatever you want to eat. Not what he wants to eat.

Words like 'since you're home all day could you just' come out of your mouth frequently. You express amazement if he says he's busy because if you wfh it can be done any time surely? He will hate it and get arsey but just look blankly at him and dont give in. You have, ON TOP OF your working day, two hours driving. So that's two hours every day more he has to keep the place clean, do the cooking and look after the kids. I do hope he's using that time productively!

In addition driving for an hour especially in badly lit country lanes at night is hard work. So when you come in you need 'space' to unwind before getting involved in anything domestic. Stop cooking for one thing. Ask him what you are having for dinner.. when he says nothing say 'ok I'll pick something up' and pick something up FOR YOU. Not for him. Again express amazement at his idea that you would be bringing food home for him. He's had all day to order it! The kids can be given something quick until he gets it.

But then you're home late anyway aren't you? Because you're commuting. 😉

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 30/09/2020 20:11

Oh and do stop discussing things. It's the biggest waste of time there is. You mention it once if you get shut down you start taking action to make their position uncomfortable.

Running around after them while complaining bitterly does no one any favours.

WINDOLENE · 30/09/2020 20:11

Draw straws, Rick paper scissors or perhaps talk to each other... Although the 3rd suggestion may be a bit out there 😉😂

Minimumstandard · 30/09/2020 20:29

Some good ideas here. I like the idea of essentially turning him into the primary carer for your DC by stealth. Go into work early, take on extra hours, stay late (even if you're really visiting friends) until, bit by bit, the "mental load" is transferred from your shoulders to your DH's. Then he might want to talk.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 30/09/2020 21:38

@Minimumstandard precisely. He will know it's happening because he's no doubt excellent at doing it to the OP. But he works from home so fairs fair 🤷‍♀️

Windolend you may have missed the but where she's said she's talked. Multiple times. I know it seems to you like it's that simple.. but it's really not. If it was then there would be no marital problems ever.

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2020 22:24

God, when did women become so manipulative? When did marriage become a war Zone. A place to fuck your partner over if he doesn’t do exactly what you want,

No wonder so many lonely single folks in the world based on the suggestions on here.

He doesn’t want to spend twenty grand moving twenty mins away, fuck that bloke over, and then when you’re done, fuck him a little more.

Does anyone actually behave like this in real life?

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 30/09/2020 22:44

You mean him doing a share of the housekeeping and child care based on the fact that he has two extra hours in his day? Omg you're right that's as manipulative as fuck 🙄🙄

He got her there on the premise he needed to be close to work. That it was temporary. Did he lie maybe? Or did he simply manipulate her because it was convenient for him?

With the stamp duty embargo currently they (not HE) are not spending £20k. Sitting in your car for an hour when you don't have to sucks. Living in an area you don't like and isn't near anything or anyone is something women do for men every fucking day. She did it. Now she doesn't want to and he's stonewalling her.

What's she supposed to do? Just shut up like a good girl? He's not willing to discuss it and has point blank refused. I'd be furious personally it's just selfish. He's had his way. Would it kill him to make his wife happy for a change?

Swipe left for the next trending thread