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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH is selfish for refusing to move

211 replies

TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:07

Long story short I moved to a place DH got a full time job. He worked full time and I was part time so I was happy to do this.

I work about 40-50 mins away so it’s fine to
drive, although now I’m more or less working full time, it’s starting to feel like too much.

Now with covid DH works from home so in theory it wouldn’t matter where we lived as he works remotely. So it would make sense to move nearer to my place of work as it would also save on petrol.

He point blank refuses to even discuss it. I’ve tried to bring it up and been shot down with him saying ‘you said you’d move here yada yada yada’ and I did about 6 years ago and it’s been fine, but now I’m pretty much full time at work, I’m staring to feel resentful that he won’t even discus it.

Circumstances have changed with covid and he just seems to care about himself and what he wants. I get mad when I think I can’t even bring it up without him throwing it back in my face saying ‘you said you said’.

I suppose it ends up being well he won’t do it for me or even discus it so why should I do it for him?

OP posts:

napody · 30/09/2020 16:41

@AlternativePerspective

Thing is, “discussing” it really means agreeing to do what the OP wants. After all, if they discuss it and DH still says no the OP will still think he’s in the wrong.

I disagree with this- it sounds as if he hasnt even given reasons to stay other than 'you agreed 6 years ago. They need to discuss it and weigh up the pros and cons. FWIW I think that cutting a 40 min commute down is a slightly feeble reason but if as you say there are other reasons then fine- he needs to respond to those.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 30/09/2020 16:41

Ask him why it's ok for you to run yourself ragged on his and the children's behalf when a move would mean you, too, have more time at home and less time on the road. And point out the family would save a fortune in petrol and wear and tear on the car, and probably insurance costs.

It's incredibly selfish for him NOT to consider a move.

You work, too.

You are an equal in the marriage.

A move makes sense for everyone. Him not 'wanting' to isn't a reason.

I'd seriously consider telling him you want to separate if he's just being a selfish wanker who won't engage in an honest discussion about it.

BillMasen · 30/09/2020 16:41

I think you’re right to start talking about it if you’re keen to move, and he should have that conversation. I’d be really cautious about something as major as a house move based on what may be a temporary WFH situation. I’m WFH and would love it to settle into less time in the office but that can’t be guaranteed.

If I were him I’d be happy to talk about it but probably not want to make a decision for a little while

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 30/09/2020 16:45

I couldn't stay with a man who refused to even have a discussion about something important to me. He does realise that if you left him, he'd have to sell the house and move anyway?

MoonJelly · 30/09/2020 16:45

Tell him to grow up and realise that circumstances can change over 6 years, and they have changed in your case in quite a big way given the change in your working hours. Would he really want to be held forever to things he said years ago?

AltoCation · 30/09/2020 16:52

LOL, now you are working almost f/t and driving and hour and 40 mins a day it must be VERY difficult to get home on time and have energy for cooking, so clearly now DH has no commute he will be able to take over all the weekday cooking.....

AcrossthePond55 · 30/09/2020 16:55

Personally, I wouldn't be making any major decisions until we figure out the 'end game' of life after this pandemic.

I don't think it's at all unusual to want to 'even up' commutes if you and DH will be permanently working approximately the same hours. It doesn't matter 'who earns what'. It has to do with 'hours available for the family'. Both of you should have approximately the same amount of 'family hours', just the way we expect to share household duties and childcare.

WFH is sort of a red herring in these arguments. One doesn't know if it will be permanent or may be withdrawn at any time, especially when things return to the 'new normal'. I'd say the 'fair' thing would be a home equidistance between the two workplaces regardless of his WFH and assuming you plan to continue working the same number of hours as he does. Could he be concerned that you'll move further away from his work and then you'll decide to reduce your hours?

Your husband's refusal to even discuss this is unreasonable. But I have a feeling that his 'unreasonableness' probably permeates more than just this issue.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2020 16:55

It sounds as if the move would benefit the majority of the household, not just you. I get it’s stressful to move. But far less stressful and tiring than driving, what can amount to 3 hours some days.

My dh does a commute of this distance btw. Circumstances changes as work was just round the corner and we moved a lot for his job. He is far more tired than he used to be. Moving won’t work for us as a family for various reasons. I would like dh to find something closer at some stage but that is his choice and he could retire soonish. If it were long term, that would be different.

Butterflyqueen990 · 30/09/2020 16:55

Sounds like rubbish advice but sometimes its easier I find with men to just kind of insist and start progressing things. Literally I have found that they have more of an issue when asked to discuss something than just going with the flow and being told something is happening. Perhaps look st properties in the area and use the power of suggestion, I.e 'ooh look at this lovely house in such and such area- right by *point of interest for him / the family' as opposed to 'can we discuss the possibility of moving'. Sometimes it really is just that the idea of changing what is obvs working for them & especially him in the circumstances is a headache and they shut it down before even considering opening their mind. Nagging perpetuated their delusion lol

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2020 16:55

Oops no he does 2 hours including shuttling between 2 sites.

Potterpotterpotter · 30/09/2020 16:57

Does he particularly like the area you are in now ?

My OH would like to move... I refuse as we are close to both our kids schools and I’m unwilling to pull them out of 2 x outstanding ofsted schools (one is a special needs school as son has severe autism) so that he can live closer to his work or cut down the commute to get his other daughter.

I will move within our current area. Iv told him the reasons though but I won’t engage in multiple conversations about it.

Good luck.

MostlyHappyMummy · 30/09/2020 17:00

This is the best advice you've been given.

I would give DH two options:

Consider moving; or
Take over responsibility for organising DC in the morning, the school run and preparing dinner in the extra 2 hours a day that he has compared to you. If your situations were reversed and it was you working from home, this would be a reasonable thing for you to do.

If he doesn't agree to either, you have some thinking to do about whether it's worth remaining in a relationship with someone this selfish.

thedancingbear · 30/09/2020 17:01

I suspect that, in the OP's world, 'refusing to discuss moving' equates to 'refusing to move'.

OP, you do realise that moving house can cost upwards of £20-30k? Is it really worth that for your commuting convenience? And 40-50 mins is pretty standard.

GabsAlot · 30/09/2020 17:18

the op takes the kids to school goes on to work and shes being unreasnable?

while dh has a quiet day to himself in peace yes i know he still works but its much more relaxed for him

ItIsEnola · 30/09/2020 17:19

It's not really that the circumstances have changed. It's that you've got bored. I wouldn't be basing a house move on the fact you're complaining about an average commute and think you can work more hours and might have opportunities for progression and are guessing he will always be able to wfh.
It's fine to revisit decisions but your reasons for contemplating a house move seem insubstantial.

Hopoindown31 · 30/09/2020 17:21

@thedancingbear quite possibly, or at least there is probably some further discussion to be had about what is worrying him.

Moving is fucking stressful as well as expensive, I could think of almost nothing worse at the moment.

As for the poster who basically suggested giving him an ultimatum by saying you are moving with or without him. That is really not acceptable behaviour and far worse than him refusing to move.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 30/09/2020 17:23

I expect he quite enjoys watching OP run around trying to leave the house on time while he WFH.

Minimumstandard · 30/09/2020 17:24

As for the poster who basically suggested giving him an ultimatum by saying you are moving with or without him. That is really not acceptable behaviour and far worse than him refusing to move.

I would give a different ultimatum. Start taking the kids to school and cooking dinners or you're walking out of the house in the morning by yourself without organising anyone. He won't want them hanging around all day while he works, he'll get them to school. And that will be one less job for you to do.

inlectorecumbit · 30/09/2020 17:26

you could suggest to him that you rent somewhere thriugh the week Air B&B etc, travel on onday back on Friday.
It will hit you financially but more manageable and you would be less tired and have a life

MirandaGoshawk · 30/09/2020 17:27

Find a fabulous house and send him a link to it. the fact that he refuses to listen is a big part of the problem.

I have to say that we are in the same boat, but it's me that doesn't want to move, so I understand how your DH feels. It took my DH getting very angry with me and talking about a possible split that made me realise how serious he was about moving. He also showed me a lovely house that we could afford and that would mean I wouldn't have to give up my ties to this area. Now that I've agreed to move, he has shut up about it!

thevassal · 30/09/2020 17:29

@jdoejnr1

So you work part time and want to move house to reduce the below average commute time you have? Yet he's the bad person? Also, what happens if the WFH ends? You sound massively unreasonable.

do you have any research to back up your confident assertion that average commute time in the UK is more than 45 minutes each way? Because 2 secs of googling suggested that OP's commute is significantly longer than the average, in fact outside of London and the SE her commute is double the average

www.tuc.org.uk/news/annual-commuting-time-18-hours-compared-decade-ago-finds-tuc#training

But God forbid you rely on, you know, actual facts rather than your own extremely narrow experience and unfounded righteous outrage....

dontdisturbmenow · 30/09/2020 17:32

He won’t even discuss it even though the circumstances have changed
But they haven't yet officially. It just seems premature to agree on something as significant as a move when all he's got at the moment is a 'likely' to continue to work from home.

Also, the situation with the children is unclear. How far off is it from where you are? Would they have to move schools. If so, that would not be fair in them just after the start of school. If staying at their school, who would take them? Him, since otherwise you'd be going out if your way, but what if he can work from home? He'd have to do the travel anyway.

And then what would happened if you were made redundant.

I can see why he wouldn't want to discuss further as it sounds that anyone not agreeing with you is deemed not worth considering.

billy1966 · 30/09/2020 17:37

@MostlyHappyMummy

This is the best advice you've been given.

I would give DH two options:

Consider moving; or
Take over responsibility for organising DC in the morning, the school run and preparing dinner in the extra 2 hours a day that he has compared to you. If your situations were reversed and it was you working from home, this would be a reasonable thing for you to do.

If he doesn't agree to either, you have some thinking to do about whether it's worth remaining in a relationship with someone this selfish.

Witch hunt is correct.

He sounds very selish to refuse to even discuss this.

If you are working nearly fulltime with that commute and doing the lions share of everything else, I'd be having a very difficult conversation FOR HIM this weekend.🙄

Eddielzzard · 30/09/2020 17:45

You're being very reasonable.

Does he currently take up the slack with school runs, housework and cooking since you're on the road for 2 hours a day and he's not?

Bibidy · 30/09/2020 17:46

I think it depends on the reasons why he doesn't want to move. He DOES need to discuss that with you.

If it's that he loves the house, the kids are settled in schools/nurseries, it's a nice area and you have friends/family around, then I think it's fair enough that you would need a strong reason to move away. In that situation, I wouldn't be wanting to move to a random area just to save my partner a 40-minute commute.

If he's just holding out in case he does end up back in the office and he doesn't end up with the commute, then that's another thing.

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